Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image

By John Breneman

The
United Nations has assembled a blue-ribbon task force to rebuild
bullet-riddled Afghanistan and there is encouraging fake news
on the diplomatic front. U.N. envoys have agreed to a transitional
post-Taliban administration headed by Muhammad Ali
and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

The delegates also have hammered out a plan to establish
a new Islamocratic form of government composed of a democratically
elected Senate and House of Mullahs.

The U.N. accord puts in motion an aggressive economic development
strategy, beginning with the immediate deployment of 400 McDonald’s
franchises serving Allah-approved Happy Meals and Lentil McNuggets.

The nation’s rugged landscape will be strategically targeted
with a barrage of Wal-Marts and its bombed-out highway infrastructure
will receive a much-needed overhaul to support the incoming
armada of Coca-Cola trucks.

Chrysler has announced plans for a string of dealerships
run by the popular Afghani car salesman "Crazy Al"
Qaeda.

Inventor Dean Kamen’s vision is to equip 100,000 Afghanis
with his revolutionary new Segway scooter. He also plans to
unveil three new inventions in Kabul tomorrow – the goat-hair
toupee, mutton-flavored toothpaste and the ergonomically correct
prayer mat.

Meanwhile, U.S. financial consultants are devising a strategy
to help the nation convert from its traditional dirt-based
economy to a more stable greed-based system. And developers
hope to ease the nation’s housing shortage by converting caves
into condos.

Other initiatives to aid this war-ravaged nation include
a "War on Poverty," "War on Hunger" and
"War on Illiteracy." Attorney General John Ashcroft
is pushing for a "War on Poppies" to stop the nation’s
illicit opium trade. To fill the void, U.S. tobacco makers
will flood the region with Camels, Kools and Marlboros, which
will be dirt cheap until everybody gets addicted.

Western specialists will rebuild Afghanistan’s tattered medical
system by establishing heartless HMOs that will produce enough
red tape to ensure inadequate high-priced health care for
all.

Seizing
an opportunity to hook a whole new market of tube-addicted
drones, the television industry is working on a blockbuster
fall lineup featuring programs like "Buffy the Taliban
Slayer," "Fiends" and "Who Wants to Be
a Military Casualty?"

And, citing the enduring popularity among Americans of the
patriotic symbol "Uncle Sam," U.N. nation builders
are hoping to foster national pride by introducing a ubiquitous
Afghani cartoon character called "Uncle Stan."

12-10-01

Stop the presses!! There must be some kind of mistake. The new
five-spots are coming out Wednesday, but who’s that fool on the
bill and what has he done with Abe Lincoln?!?

Relax, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for all of
this. No reason to be alarmed. Abe is perfectly safe. In fact, as
you’ll soon see, he’s looking sharper than ever. He’s still got
that wise presidential twinkle in his eye, he parts his hair just
the same as always, and his familiar right ear is even bigger than
before.

It’s
just that the boys down at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing
wanted our 16th president to look his absolute best for the big
May 24 debut of the redesigned $5, so they sent the fancy new Lincoln
portrait engraving out for a real thorough polishing job.

Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Lawrence H. Summers needed somebody
to stand in and do some of the promotional work that, quite frankly,
someone as important and dignified as Mr. Lincoln should not be
bothered with.

I mean, someone has got to tell the public about all the state-of-the-art
security features on the new fives and tens — the watermarks, the
delicate microprinting, the contemporary gangland graffiti spraypainted
on the Lincoln Memorial.

And since I had done such a good job helping out with the introduction
of the new $20 back in August of ’98, my pals down in D.C. shipped
me an exquisitely etched invitation to pitch in again. Naturally,
I was eager to oblige.

First, I feel it is imperative to debunk certain rumors about the
new $5. Abe Lincoln will NOT be wearing Bolle wraparound sunglasses
(thank God) and, despite the overwhelming preference of several
focus groups, he will NOT be sporting his trademark stovepipe hat.
Our U.S. currency is simply not tall enough to accommodate Lincoln’s
prodigious and distinctive headgear.

At first glance, the most obvious difference in the new fives and
tens is that the faces of Lincoln and Alexander Hamilton —
like Michael Jackson on the $20 and Aretha “Ben”
Franklin on the $100 — appear gigantic compared to the old
bills.

The Treasury states that the enlarged portrait of President
Abraham Lincoln is easier to recognize. This is good because
I’ve often heard people mistaking him for folks like Buddy
Ebsen, Janet Reno and Sammy Davis Jr.

The Lincoln Memorial will still appear on the reverse side of the
bill, but this time instead of sitting in that big armchair way
up amid those pillars, Lincoln will be out front tossing a baseball
with myself and documentary filmmaker Ken Burns.

But the really interesting part is the high-tech, anti-counterfeiting
measures that our government has dreamed up to deter treasonous
lowlifes from running off batches of $20s on the laser printer.
To stay one step ahead of the counterfeiters — including the notorious
“El Marko” magic marker syndicate — the new $5 will also
feature:

1. A polymer security thread embedded vertically in the bill that
glows with the words Keep away from heat sources when held next
to a bright light or acetylene torch.

2. An eight-dimensional hologram of Lincoln’s left thumbprint.

3. Strategically placed slivers of uranium-236 that radiate and
crackle when held near an ordinary household Geiger counter — one
in Lincoln’s left eyebrow, and one just under the E. in E. Pluribus
Uganda.

4. An unidentified brownish smudge thought to have been caused
by a crack-smoking pressman at the U.S. Mint.

5. Microprinting: Running around the edges of the portraits oval
frame, in words so tiny they can only be viewed through a powerful
electron microscope, is the phrase “Try replicating THIS, you
feeble counterfeiters.”

6. There is even a watermark of John Wilkes Booth being tarred
and feathered by a mob of angry Whigs that appears when the bill
is immersed in Guiness Stout and then held in front of a total eclipse
of the sun.

“The new security features and an informed public who knows
who how to use them is our best and first line of defense against
counterfeiting,” said Treasury Secretary Summers. Larry cautions
cash-handlers that any bill featuring a picture of Puff Daddy or
Ted Kaczynski, or one that has the numeral “1” scratched
out and “5” written over it in pencil, may be counterfeit.

To help familiarize the American public with the new currency,
the Treasury Department will be launching an extensive educational
campaign with public-service ads showing Al Gore and George W. Bush
handing out freshly minted $5s and $10s to potential supporters.

Several major retailers are also getting involved.

7-Eleven, in each of its 5,645 U.S. stores, will be selling the
new fives at a “special introductory price” of only $6.99
for the May 24 launch.

Ace Hardware stores across the country are posting point-of sale
displays featuring a smiling Elian Gonzalez receiving a crisp new
American $5 for his allowance. Other corporate partners include
McDonalds, Burger King, Microsoft, Lincoln Cash Services, Lincoln-Mercury
and Lincoln Logging Co.

To help offset the governments cost of printing the new bills,
the microprinting feature will also be used to emblazon the words
“Nike” and “Coke” onto the facade of the Lincoln
Memorial, and to paste the slogan “Drink Milk” across
Abe’s upper lip.

John Breneman
5-21-00