Sources:
Rocker Rob Zombie not an actual zombie

By
John Breneman

Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation’s best-known
bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants,
is not an actual zombie, the Humor Gazette has learned.

In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie’s
real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts,
he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was
voted "Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human
Corpse."

Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers
as "Superbeast," "The Devil’s Rejects"
and "Scum of the Earth," is considered a pioneer
in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.

However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people’s necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster-man
wannabe.

Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released
a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when
it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several
hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that
Mr. Zombie is "a masterful self-promoter," whereas
most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.

Related reading:
"Everything
You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies But Were Too Horrified
to Ask"

Movies:
"Revenge
of the Living Dead 5: Dibs on the Brain Meat"

Can’t figure out what to get for
the birthday baby who has everything? Just imagine the joy on Baby’s tiny
face when he lays his baby blues on … Baby’s First Pitbull.

What better fuzzy companion could
there be — for the modern toddler on the go — than a vicious
domesticated killing machine with a skull-crushing jaw and
razor-sharp fangs?

With his hair-trigger temper, Baby’s
First Pitbull enhances Baby’s street reputation as an infant
not to messed with. Plus, Baby’s cuddly, bloodthirsty new
pal will help keep him or her safe from external threats.*

* Chance of death by mauling
just 14 percent.

ALSO:

Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton

Florida
crackbaby is America’s 300 millionth person

Swine
flu over the cuckoo’s nest

Tweety
Bird sues Twitter for $500M

Fox News brainwashes American redneck savant

BILLY BUCK TEEFUS: Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here –
American redneck savant. Well. Obama, he seems like a nice,
level-headed young feller. But I heard on Fox News that he
was a: communist, facist, racist, elitist, egotist …

Czarist, Muslim extremist, radical Islamist, militant leftist,
socialist, anti-socialist, anarchist, limp wrist, Leninist,
Stalinist, Marxist, Maoist, Hitlerist, Idi Amin-ist, Darwinist,
Confucianist, jack-bootist, pro-abortionist, brown supremacist,
teleprompter ventriloquist. Plus, he pals around with terrorists.

And them folks at Fox wouldn’t steer us wrong, would
they?

VIDEO
BOOK REVIEW:
Billy Buck Teefus, the
American Redneck Savant,
reviews "Going Vogue" by Sarah Palin

SATIRE
VIDEO: The Tea Party

The Tea Party

Two little girls discuss Tea Party politics while having a lovely tea party.

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this video are
actual statements from actual right-wing influence-makers,
and actual images widely on display at actual Tea Party events.

OBVIOUSLY these views are not shared by ALL Tea Party people.

I salute the citizen activism of all well-intentioned Tea
Party people who reject these views, and hope they agree that
such views have no place in American political discourse.

VIDEO
BOOK REVIEW:
Billy Buck Teefus, the
American Redneck Savant,
reviews "Going Vogue" by Sarah Palin

Groundhog predicts groundhog-led government
coup

By
John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the Pennsylvania groundhog credited with
being able to forecast the coming of spring, popped out of
his burrow yesterday and predicted six more weeks of government
gridlock.

The groundhog also predicted the emergence of a groundhog-led
political party, followed by six decades of peace and prosperity
under iron-fisted groundhog rule.

The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet then bit one of its top-hatted
handlers and scampered back into its heavily fortified underground
bunker — a move said to portend six more weeks of economic
gloom.

Additional predictions by Punxsutawney Phil include:

— A shocking 35-31 Groundhog victory in Super Bowl XLIV.

— Six more years of the little guy getting screwed by Washington
and Wall Street fat cats.

— Six more weeks of hibernation, y’all.

Edwards admits paternity, Bush Sr. may be next

By
John Breneman

Disgraced former presidential candidate John Edwards, who
previously claimed that DNA testing would clear his sperm
of any wrongdoing, today admitted that he is the father of
a love child.

The
news sparked rampant speculatation about whether former President
George H.W. Bush would finally admit paternity of White House
ne’er-do-well George W. Bush.

Sources say that after years of finger-pointing based on
their nearly identical names and strong physical resemblance,
the elder Bush may finally step forward to confirm what many
have long suspected — he is the father of one of the nation’s
all-time worst presidents.

Related stories:
Edwards
flip-flops on infidelity issue
— Aug. 14, 2008

Bush
may suffer from Iraq-tile dysfunction
— Jan. 2, 2006

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

By
John Breneman

A report in this month’s Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals
that myrrh — once a popular Christmas and birthday gift —
can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets
to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very
few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the
substance — a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of
trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia — causes a range of malignant
conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents
began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful
anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as
a baby and we all know how things turned out for him,"
said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author
of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their
perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart
in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today’s most popular
scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago,"
said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new
fragrance by rapper 50 Cent — 50 Scent.

Compounding
the potential danger, the FDA is warning that at least one
death has been traced to a batch of tainted myrrh from China.
The black-market Chinese myrrh is said to contain additives
ranging from arsenic and asbestos to coal and reindeer feces.

In other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal
meth." The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or
snorted, the Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting
a dramatic upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense
labs throughout the rural South and Midwest.

Related items:

VIDEO:
Redneck Christmas CD
featuring Mr. Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant

Arm
yourself for
the War on Christmas
with high-tech Weapons of
Midnight Mass Destruction

"The
Twelve Days of
(Gangsta) Christmas"

Holiday
health tips
(Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase)

This
just in from sister publication Jacko
Digest:

Jacko
Digest reports: Stone-dead Michael Jackson killed
at the American Music Awards, winning four pointy plastic
phallic symbols for the mantle at his multimillion-dollar
hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.

As media e-jacko-lation ensues, the nation’s leading jacko-logists
estimate $1.2 trillion in jacko-nomic impact.

Pretty young thing Taylor Swift, who beat Dead Jacko for
Artist of the Year, said: "To even be mentioned in a
category with Michael Jackson, who we will miss and love forever,
is both an unimaginable honor and a little creepy." Kanye
West could not be reached for a pompous self-aggrandizing
comment.

In other highlights Lady Gaga performed at a flaming piano,
"in honor of that time Michael’s hair caught on fire."

Related stories:
HUMOR/TRIBUTE:
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of ‘Off the Wall’ entertainers

Wacko
sister says Jacko murdered

Top
baby name for 2009 is ‘Jacko’

Jacko
gets off: Verdict rocks globe — June 14, 2005

Jackson
testifies vs. Jacko at trial: Inner child cites years of abuse
— June 3, 2005

Tinky
Winky claims ‘Jacko touched me’

U.S.
forces nab Jacko’s #2 man in Pakistan

JACKO
DIGEST

Oprah
quits Oprah to start Oprah network, star in ‘Phantom of the
Oprah’

This just in: Oprah has made it O-fficial. In a major O-nnouncement
that sent shockwaves from Chicago to Tokyo.

Winfrey is qutting Oprah to star opposite George Clooney
and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?"
and make her Broadway debut in "Phantom of the Oprah."

See
the full story at my blog at the Boston Herald.

Palin calls National Geographic cover
‘sexist’

By
John Breneman

Responding to criticism from Sarah Palin that her depiction
on the cover of National Geographic was "sexist
and oh-so-Newsweek," editors at the magazine
defended the use of a provocative image paired with the headline,
"GOP Cougar Unleashed!"

"Our interest in Sarah Palin is strictly anthropological,"
said editor Jack Wildebeest. "Plus we wanted to sell
a couple million magazines."

Palin claimed the magazine played "gotcha" by tricking
her into admitting that she doesn’t believe in evolution.

According to the article: "Palinus Politicus (species:
anti-homo sapiens) is a fierce, cold-blooded carnivore often
mocked in the political jungle for stalking as prey the swifter,
nimbler, more intelligent Kenyan Obama."

Palin,
riding a wave of publicity with the release of her best-selling
autobiography "Going Vogue" and a controversial
Newsweek cover, also complained about sexist cover treatment
in the Christian Science Monitor, Ebony and the Reader’s Digest
swimsuit edition. She is calling a report in Vanity Fair
"unbalanced."

Sarah ‘Going Vogue’ in maverick memoir

By
John Breneman

Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen
bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American
Life" finally hits bookstores.

Also out today, "Going
Rouge: An American Nightmare," a book
of essays critical of Palin complied by two editors
at The Nation and featuring a nearly identical cover.

And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from
Humor Gazette Media — "Going Vogue: A Real American
… Huh?"

With
startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss
Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going
Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless
elite liberal media and President
Obama’s death panels.

The publication — described as "a revisionist look
at a revisionist autobiography by America’s most fabulous
fabulist" — reveals that along with creationism, Palin
is a devout believer in creating her own reality.

"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe
in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary
War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and
apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every
fetus to own a gun.

In
the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement’s Cute Rockne.

Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"?
You betcha.

In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin’s call for
the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman,
the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue"
spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker.
(See videos below)

Palin’s "family values" shtik is increasing her
family’s value by millions — with her best-selling book, lucrative
reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and a new line of Sassy
Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

Related
story:
Our
Fox puppet report on Sarah Barracuda’s fishy, salmon swimming
upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech. —
July 5, 2009

Related links:
"Going
Rouge" — The Coloring Book

"Going
Rouge: An American Nightmare"

Huffington
Post — Palin page