Palin ‘Going Vogue’ in maverick memoir

By
John Breneman

Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen
bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American
Life" finally hits bookstores.

Also out today, "Going
Rouge: An American Nightmare," a book
of essays critical of Palin complied by two editors
at The Nation and featuring a nearly identical cover.

And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from
Humor Gazette Media — "Going Vogue: A Real American
… Huh?"

With
startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss
Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going
Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless
elite liberal media and President
Obama’s death panels.

The publication — described as "a revisionist look
at a revisionist autobiography by America’s most fabulous
fabulist" — reveals that along with creationism, Palin
is a devout believer in creating her own reality.

"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe
in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary
War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and
apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every
fetus to own a gun.

In the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement’s Cute Rockne.

Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"?
You betcha.

In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin’s call for
the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman,
the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue"
spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker.
(See videos below)

Palin’s "family values" shtik
is increasing her family values by millions — with her best-selling
book, lucrative reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and
a new line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

BOOK
REVIEW
Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant,
on "Going Vogue"

Miss Piggy spreads swine flu on ‘Sesame Street’

(Today’s
episode of Triple-Action News
brought to you by the letters H1N1)

Filming of a popular PBS children’s program ground to a halt
today, as dozens of cast members reportedly caught swine flu
when longtime colleague Miss Piggy blew out the candles on
a birthday cake marking the show’s 40th anniversary.

The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that Miss Piggy —
the lovelorn, porcine prima donna — is under quarantine as
a carrier of the deadly H1N1 virus. Kermit the Frog is said
to be praying his longtime friend doesn’t "croak."

Meanwhile,
U.S. Rep. Roosevelt Franklin has sponsored legislation mandating
that the H1N1 vaccine be made more widely available to the muppet
community. But he admitted that, for now, his swine flu initiative
is "just a bill, sitting here on Capitol Hill."

The Sesame Street Journal is also reporting that PBS
superstar Big Bird has been identified as a possible carrier
of the deadly and horrifying avian flu.

In a related story: Triple-Action News anchorman Reid
Page needles the media’s coverage of the swine flu "oink-idemic,"
with expert insight from porcine pundit Dr. Napoleon Hamm.

Swine flu over the cuckoo’s nest

Good evening. I’m Triple-Action News anchorman Reid
Page.

Tonight – Swine flu: Friend or foe?

Despite claims that humans cannot get swine flu from pigs,
fears about a possible oink-idemic are sweeping the nation.

And – this just in – a new Internet rumor that
director Steven Spielberg contracted H1N1 from R2D2.

Neither Mr. Spielberg nor Mr. D2 could not be reached for
comment.

Questions about the swine flu outbreak abound, including
how it might impact our nation’s pork-based economy.

Fortunately, the media is rolling up its sleeves to inject
a dose of calm amid the hysteria – reporting that you
CANNOT get swine flu from corndogs, hog jowls or pigs in a
blanket. And there is no need to fear knackwurst or bratwurst,
except in a wurst-case scenario.

Epidemiologists agree that swine flu vaccine offers the best
protection, but say it comes with a risk … of being trampled
by the mobs trying to get some.

Meanwhile, the CDC says signs of possible exposure to the
virus include rutting, oinking and speaking in Pig Latin.

To help put things in perspective, we go now to our chief
swine flu correspondent, Dr. Napoleon Hamm.

***

DR. NAPOLEON HAMM (played by a pig puppet):

Yaahh! Humans gettin’ swine flu from us pigs. That’s
hogwash, see.

Just the udder day I was down at The Sty shootin’ the
slop with a couple a sows. And one of em tells me Wolf Blitzer
sez Jimmy Dean’s under quarantine. Can’t get the
vaccine.

Agghh! I’m sicka hearin about swine flu.

Swine flu got my bruddah but it’ll never get me, see.

SNEEZES

***

ANCHORMAN REID PAGE (now sporting a pig snout):

There you have it. Human beings cannot get swine flu from
pigs.

However, just to be safe the Dept. of Homeland Security is
cautioning people to avoid unprotected relations with members
of the porcine community and warning all Americans to stay
at least seven degrees away from Kevin Bacon.

Finally, President Obama is urging the American people to
go about their daily affairs with an appropriate level of
media-fueled swine flu paranoia.

Reporting LIVE from our state-of-the-art Triple-Action Newsroom,
I’m anchorman Reid Page.

CLICK
HERE: to see Humor Gazette videos on YouTube.

Rain Delay Man — baseball savant

Inspired by Dustin Hoffman’s Oscar-winning character in "Rain
Man," this video is an homage to the national pastime
by my imaginary baseball savant — "Rain Delay Man."

It’s World Series time.
Fall Classic.

First played October 1, 1903,
Boston, Massachusetts.
Attendance 16,242 fans.
It was a Thursday.

Boston Americans beat Pittsburgh.
Cy Young – 28-9, ERA 2.08
He had an excellent slider.

National pastime. Colorful history.

Cubs win. Cubs win.
Last time October 14, 1908.
It was a Wednesday.

Tinker to Evers to Chance.
Excellent fielders.

Boston Red Sox.
1918 champions.
They sold Babe Ruth for $100. To the Yankees.
Ow.

Uh-oh.
Black Sox! Black Sox!
1919. Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner.
“Say it ain’t so.”

’27 Yankees. Murderer’s Row.
Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth
Sultan of Swat.
Bambino likes beer.

St. Louis Cardinals. 1934
Gashouse Gang
Dizzy Dean, 30 wins. 19 for Daffy.
Who’s on first? Ripper Collins
Excellent line driver.

October 15, 1946. It was a Tuesday.
Boston Red Sox. Game 7.
Ted Williams. Greatest hitter of all-time.
Severed head frozen at Alcor Life Extension Foundation in
Scottsdale, Arizona.

Johnny Pesky.
Enos Slaughter rounding third…
Here comes the throw. Not in time.
Red Sox lose.
Ow.

1955 Brooklyn Dodgers. Dem Bums
Jackie Robinson, definitely broke the color barrier
Duke Snider, Peewee Reese.
Finally beat the Yankees. October 4, 1955.
It was a Tuesday.
Roy Campanella … not a very good driver.

Carl Yastrzemski. Yastrzemski, Carl.
Born Aug. 22, 1939. It was a Tuesday.
Fans love Yaz. Won the Triple Crown in 1967.
Impossible Dream.

Uh-oh.
Bob Gibson pitching for St. Louis.
Ow. Ow.

1975 Cincinnati Reds.
Big Red Machine.
Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle.
All-time hit king – 4,256 hits.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner

1986
World Series. Game 6.
Who’s on first?
Uh-oh.
Billy Buckner.
Mookie Wilson at the plate.
Ow.

2004
Red Sox. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Bloody sock. Definitely bloody.

Great day for a ballgame.
Peanuts and crackerjack .
Don’t care if I ever come back.

World Series time.
Fall Classic.

Charlie Babbitt says: Any rebroadcast, retransmission or
other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without
the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited.
Definitely prohibited.

Rain
Delay Man suffers from a rare form of Postseason Traumatic
Stress Disorder.

Follow
Humor Gazette on Twitter

Media
high on helium during Balloon Boy coverage

By John Breneman

After going bonkers for the Balloon Boy hoax last week, CNN,
MSNBC and Fox News today broke the news that a young boy dressed
in a wolf suit had been kidnapped by "Wild Things."

When informed that the "Wild Things" news story
was actually a movie that opened over the weekend, the media
responded, "Oops. Never mind."

Defending his network’s coverage of the Colorado balloon
hoax, a CNN spokesman pointed out that the balloon was, in
fact, "extremely shiny."

Authorities now say they are preparing to file charges against
Richard Heene, an amateur scientist and inventor, and semi-professional
douche who now faces possible jail time for contributing to
the delinquency of the media.

The Balloon Boy hoax began to burst when 6-year-old Falcon
Heene vomited during a CNN interview and said to his parents,
"You guys said that we did this for the show."

Scrambling
to explain his son’s apparent confession, the elder Heene
said the boy had simply become confused because the family
is simultaneously pitching several reality shows, including
"Hurricane Boy," "Publicity Whore" and
"Leave it to Falcon."

Sources say the Heenes, who previously appeared on ABC’s
"Wife Swap," were also developing a project featuring
Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan and
former U.S. House Speaker Tom DeLay.

Fortunately, we here at Humor Gazette/Triple-Action News
had the good sense not to waste precious air time on the "Balloon
Boy" fiasco, reporting instead on Sarah
Palin‘s latest tweet, Glenn
Beck‘s latest mental breakdown and a rumor that the
Octomom plans to adopt a puppy.

Red Sox fans suffering
from
Postseason Traumatic Stress Disorder

By John Breneman

When the Boston Red Sox swept the New York Yankees in early
June to bring their season record against the Bronx Bombers
to 8-0, even the most realistic Sox fan had visions of the team rolling through the postseason to claim its third World Series title of the decade.

But now that Boston has been swept from the playoffs by the
Angels, sports psychologists estimate that up to 82 percent
of Red Sox Nation may be suffering from … Postseason Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Symptoms include:
O Sensations of droopiness in your “We’re
#1” foam finger.
O Recurring flashbacks to October of 1986.
O Delusion that TV clicker can be used to change playoff
loss into victory.
O Irrational fear of men named Vladimir and anyone
clad in pinstripes.
O Unshakable feeling that Manny Ramirez is laughing
at you.
O
Hallucinations involving the frozen, severed head of Ted Williams.

Leading sports neurologists report there is no cure, though
some counselors suggest afflicted Sox fans may benefit from
a treatment once used by supporters of the old Brooklyn Dodgers
called “Wait till next year” therapy.

Related story:
Hub
fans bid curse adieu — April 13, 2005

Related video:
Rain
Delay Man

Rain Delay Man

Just in time for the playoffs and World Series, a short video
featuring a baseball savant reflecting on the national pastime

— Rain Delay Man.

Related story:
Boston
Marathon
madness — April
7, 2006

Health-care reform rhetoric
hazardous to your health?

By
John Breneman

As the debate over health-care reform becomes more feverish,
polls show a majority of Americans are getting a migraine from
listening to politicians who are more concerned with the well-being
of greedy health-care corporations the health of the American
people.

"13 O’Clock News" chief medical correspondent,
Dr. Bill Payne, reports that other side effects of prolonged
exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:

(YouTube
VIDEO of this report)

Tourette’s syndrome, exploding jugular vein, electile dysfunction,
restless middle-finger syndrome, paranoid trillionosis and
post-traumatic soiled-pants syndrome.

Ruptured spleen, projectile vomitosis, degenerative pharmaceutical-industrial
complex, enlarged premium syndrome, recurrent claim denial
and early-afternoon alcoholism.

Also:
Curvature of the liver, gastrointestinal wretching, mental
calcification, metaphysical disorientation, ideological leprosy,
cerebral hemorrhoids and cognitive primordial dwarfism.

Clinical depression, douple-dip recession, triple dementia,
testicular hallucinations, intellectual bulimia, lyme disease,
BlackBerry dereangment syndrome and chronic diaper tension.

Other
side effects:
Cold sweats, hot flashes, inflammation of the wallet, varicose
brain, greased palm, clubfoot, hammer toe, housemaid’s knee,
rainbow gout, rickets, rabies and shingles.

Heartworms, facial ticks, intestinal locusts, cardiovascular
fleas, pancreatic scorpions, black lung, chopped liver, chronic
bubonic plague, soul weevils and unmitigated gallstones.

Other risks may include:
Whooping cough, congressional meningitis, moral obesity, SpongeBob
SquarePants disorder, Irritable Pundit Syndrome, male-pattern
hypocrisy and spastic Rush Lymphoma grandiosis.

Philosophic thrombosis, ethical psoriasis, fudge sickle-cell
anemia, hepatitis ABCDEF&G, temporary insanity, malignant
media brainwashing and esophageal bloviation.

Finally:
The surgeon general has warned that additional side effects
of prolonged exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:

Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance.

In other medical news:
Study:
Myrrh may be hazardous to your health
— Dec. 12, 2006

Brain
usage: 10% and dropping

Everything
may be hazardous to your health

Kim Jong-il out for season with torn ACL

By
John Breneman

A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny
rumors that the enigmatic North Korean dictator may be dead,
incapacitated from a stroke, or simply recovering from one
of his legendary cognac benders.

However, ESPN reports the longtime Axis of Evil honcho has
torn his anterior cruciate ligament and could be sidelined
for the entire 2009-10 terror campaign. Still other reports
suggest he could be afflicted with pancreatic vapors, red
lung, cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.

Questions about Kim’s health arose last week when he failed
to attend the nation’s 60th anniversary military parade, despite
his well-documented love of choreographed goose-stepping.
Sources say Kim was slated to hold one of the strings guiding
an enormous SpongeBob SquarePants balloon along the downtown
Pyongyang parade route.

North
Korean state media called reports about Kim’s ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.

The health concerns have sparked uncertainty about the leadership
picture in North Korea, where Kim — much like former U.S. President
George W. Bush — inherited the job from his dad.

Little is known about the diminutive (5′ 3") leader,
who is rarely seen in public without his trademark platform
shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuits and pompadour hairstyle.

Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action
figure.

His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O’Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."

He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides.
His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and shooting
off his missiles.

Kim, regarded as part immortal by his subjects, claims to
have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken
and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in
golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he
played.

His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.

Related stories:
Nuke
fight at the WMD Corral