Potsie
loses millions in Fonzie scheme

By
John Breneman

Henry Winkler, best known for playing hoodlum Arthur Fonzarelli
on the 1970s sitcom "Happy Days," has allegedly
swindled millions from his former cast mates in what police
are calling a full-blown Hollywood "Fonzie scheme."

Sources say Winkler/Fonzarelli used his roguish charm to
con his victims, often deflecting questions about their investments
by giving them the thumbs up and assuring them that everything
was "cool."

Anson Williams, who portrayed the dim-witted Potsie, reportedly
handed over his entire $1.6 million savings when Fonzarelli
simply looked at him and said, "Aaaaaay."

Oscar-winning
filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme,
and actor Scott Baio lost his pants. Also duped were a husband
and wife identified in the federal indictment as "Mr.
and Mrs. C."

Donny Most, who played wise-cracking Ralph Malph back in
happier days, was also among those bilked by Winkler/Fonzarelli.
Said Most, "I assumed he could make stock-market fortunes
by just snapping his fingers."

Winkler/Fonzarelli, who was apprehended at Arnold’s Drive-in
in Milwaukee wearing an Armani leather jacket and driving a $150,000 Claudio Castiglioni MV Agusta F4 motorcycle, denied any
knowledge of the Fonzie scheme.

Osama
unveils new look in 9/11 video

By John Breneman

U.S. forces just missed nailing Osama bin Laden at a stylish
Pakistan beauty parlor last week. This from a source close
to the hairdresser who trimmed and dyed bin Laden’s beard
for today’s highly anticipated 9/11
anniversary video.

In
another close call, Air Force B-2s bombed a heavily fortified
luxury spa remote Uzbekistan moments after bin Laden stopped
in for a manicure, pedicure and avocado mango butter facial.

Sources say the narcissistic terror kingpin likes to look
sharp for the anniversary of his Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on
America.

One year he bought himself a full-length mink coat. In 2007,
he sported a jaunty straw hat. And longtime bin Laden watchers
say his sense of fashion steadily improved since the embarrassing
cornrow fiasco of 1998.

"I would personally kill a man to get my hands on his
collection of cashmere shawls," said Amira Raj, editor
of Allah Girl and a leading authority on extremist Islamic
fashion trends.

Last
month, she predicted bin Laden would have "work"
done on his signature beard, saying, "The ZZ Top look
is sooo 2005."

Raj noted that the Islamotainment industry is eager for a
sneak peak at bin Laden’s incendiary new looks for Spring
2010.

In a related development: A spokesman confirmed that bin
Laden is no longer just a Grecian Formula Muslim Beard Club
member, he is now the president.

Obama
heckled by Animal House of Representatives

By
John Breneman

Days after deriding President Obama’s pep talk to America’s schoolchildren as some sort of socialist plot, Republican congressmen heckled the president during a major speech on health care, lobbing spitballs and calling the president a stinking, Nazi, big-government liar.

South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and others responded to Obama’s appeal to join together for the good of the country by channeling a scene from “Animal House” — blurting out “death panel!” while pretending to cough into their hands.

Later it was discovered that GOP lawmakers had littered the floor of Congress with crumpled-up paper airplanes and used magic markers to scrawl “Obama loves Pelosi” and “Barack sucks” on the backs of chairs.

Though some Democrats slammed Wilson for his disrespectful outburst, key Republicans praised him for sucking up half the air time that might have been used to cover the actual speech.

Analysts say GOP reaction to the president’s speech proves his Republican foes are determined to turn one of the most important issues of our time into a political food fight.

Palin ‘death panel’ claim escalates war
on Obama

By
John Breneman

The GOP’s war on health care escalated today as Sarah Palin
accused President Obama of establishing a “death panel”
to kill babies and old people.

WATCH:
Humor video

Palin claimed Obama’s “evil” plan would force
Americans to smother their parents at age 75 with a government-issued
pillow.

Calling Obama a cannibalistic, Kenya-born communist, Palin
also appealed for civil debate – showing once again why
polls rank her the nation’s most surrealistic political
performance artist.

Rush Limbaugh swastika’d Obama by comparing the president
to Adolf Hitler. Obama is a fascist, brown supremacist liberal
jihadist, warned the legendary white-wing media arsonist –
casting himself as Sgt. Schultz in the War on Obama.

White-wing media arsonist Rush Limbaugh firebombed Obama
by comparing the president to Adolf Hitler. Obama is a fascist,
brown supremacist liberal jihadist, warned Limbaugh –
casting himself as Sgt. Schultz in the War on Obama.

Glenn Beck fired up his troops by calling
Obama a “racist” who hates white people.

Enraged members of the Glenn Beck Militia then stormed town-hall
meetings to shout down the socialist president’s bigoted,
big-government health-care plot.

CNN’s Lou Dobbs remained neutral, advising Obama to
simply fork over some Hawaiian DNA to prove he’s a real
American.

Meanwhile,
as the anti-Obama industry churns out fictional talking points
and free presidential effigy kits, Fox News urged disgruntled
viewers to flood their congressmen with patriotic death threats.

Next in the War on Obama: Bill O’Reilly stokes fears that
the racist, Nazi, baby-killing president will block conservative
nominees from serving on his evil health-care death panel.

When we return: Is aggressive treatment of toxic pundits
covered under Obama’s plan?

Triple-Action News: the latest poll

Good
evening, I’m anchorman Reid Page and this is Triple-Action
News.

A new Gallup poll reveals that conservatives and liberals
agree on at least one key issue — 82% of Americans say they
would like to punch a politician in the face.

Another 74% say they would like to choke a cable TV news
pundit.

This as a majority of conservatives AND liberals agree that
efforts to make America more healthy are being distorted by
malicious cable news fear-mongering, and sabotaged by typical
hypocritical political greed.

In
a new Fox News poll …

86% of Fox News viewers are confused about whether President
Obama is a socialist, a communist, a Nazi, a Muslim extremist
or — worse — all of the above.

74% don’t want their schoolchildren exposed to that radical, foreign,
brown bogeyman who lives in the White House.

Another 46% fear Obama is plotting to implant an Obamaton
microchip in the left forearm of every schoolchild.

And 99% of Fox News viewers say they do not want to be euthanized
by some government death panel or one of Obama’s big-government
zombie storm troopers.

However, 99% of Fox viewers ALSO say they wouldn’t mind having
health insurance that covered pre-existing conditions, that
didn’t keep skyrocketing in price and that actually paid most
medical bills instead of arbitrarily denying coverage.

For Triple-Action News, I’m anchorman Reid Page.

Pundit Frankie Goldchains slams Glenn
Beck

ANCHORMAN REID PAGE:

Good
evening, I’m anchorman Reid Page. Tonight on "America’s
Most Hateful Pundits" — cable TV cancer Glenn Beck trying
to make headlines and boost his ratings by calling President
Obama a "racist."

Repugnant self-aggrandizing bigotry or triple reverse racist
gibberish?

With us is ex-Mafia media pundit Frankie Goldchains.

WATCH
VIDEO:
FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS
vs. GLENN BECK

FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS:

Yeah, I’m Frankie Goldchains.

Ya hear about this facehole Glenn Beck calling Obama a racist
on Fox News?

"Obama’s a racist." Yeah, that’s it.

Who writes your material, Beck? The Imperial Grand Dragon
over there at Ku Klux News?

I see right through you — you Fascist, narcissist, Commie
propaganda monkey!!

Our
president hates white people?!? Not even your viewers are
that stupid, Beck!! Spewin’ that pulpy bullshit from your
bully pulpit.

Man, I seen some race baiters in my day. But you — you’re
some kinda master race baiter. Tryin’ to incite the anti-Obama
whackjobs.

Stirrin’ up some kinda Reich-wing Fuhrer.

You hate our president so much. Go back to Glennbeckistan!!!

You smug illegal Caucasian domestic terrorist !!

Pass the word to your boys O’Reilly and Dobbs and Hannity,
too. Stinkin’ up the airwaves with your revolting jowl movements!!
Good thing you clowns are protected by Freedom of Speech.

You wanna debate?!?

I’ll come down there — DEBATE THE CRAP OUTTA YOU !!!

FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS STYLE !!

RELATED VIDEO:
Frankie
Goldchains to replace Colmes on ‘Hannity & Colmes’

Jacko murdered? Wacko sister
wants him buried in Jackson Hole

Good
evening, I’m Humor Gazette 13 O’Clock News anchorman Reid
Page, reporting live from our Neverland bureau.

Welcome to Day 20 of the Michael Jackson Death Watch.

WATCH
THE VIDEO

Boosted by round-the-clock media
e-jacko-lation, Michael Jackson
hit #1 on the TV News charts for the third sconsecutive week.

Now
sister LaToya Jackson is crying "murder!" She offers
no evidence, but media jackals are gorging on her claim like
a pack of choreographed zombies from "Thriller."
Sources say her chief suspects are Tito, Bubbles and Dr. Phil.

Sales of Mr. Jackson’s music have soared — along with memorabilia
ranging from sequined gloves and surgical masks to Michael
Jackson action figures and commemorative Jacko-lanterns.

The
retail blitz has provided a much-needed stimulus to the nation’s
ailing finances — analysts estimate the singer’s death has
generated at least $1.2 trillion dollars in jacko-nomic impact.

Our first guest has a PYT in Jacksonian HIStory from Jackson
State University, where he is one of the nation’s pre-eminent
jackologists.

Please welcome, professor Jack Michaels. … Professor
Michaels, how has Mr. Jackson’s tragic death affected you?

PROFESSOR
JACK MICHAELS: Thank you, Reid.

In the past "48 Hours," I’ve been interviewed by
Oprah, Regis, Geraldo and Whoopi; Wolf Blitzer, Fox &
Friends, Morning Joe and the Daily Show.

I’ve dished dirt to Rosie, spilled my guts on Springer and
told all to Montel.

Katie Couric had me on a panel with Kato Kaelin and Casey
Kasem, and Ryan Seacrest asked me who I was wearing.

I’ve been verbally abused by Bill O’Reilly, bum-rushed by
Limbaugh and called a "disgrace" by Nancy Grace.
I was even grilled by Bobby Flay.

I’ve bared my soul to fill the newshole on (singing) ABC,
it’s easy as MTV, as simple as BET, A&E, channel E!, even
TMZ, sir.

And tomorrow, you can see me on Jacko-tainment Tonight, Access
Bollywood and a very special edition of the Twilight Zone.

I also testified before Congress supporting a blanket resolution
honoring Michael as the greatest alleged pedophile of our
time.

REID
PAGE: Thank you, professor Jack Michaels … for reminding
us that here in America, mega-celebrities accused of bizarre
behavior are innocent until proven freaky.

This just in: More mindless speculation about Mr. Jackson’s
final resting place — now believed to be in Wyoming, in a
multimillion-dollar hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.

For the Humor Gazette 13 O’Clock News, I’m anchorman Reid
Page.

Related
story & video:
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of ‘Off the Wall’ entertainers

Sarah ‘Barracuda’ Palin’s fishy resignation
speech

Good
evening. I’m Fox News anchor-puppet Deuce Murdoch — reporting
live from Anchorage …

Tonight:
Why did Sarah Palin resign as governor?
I don’t know — but Alaska!!

VIDEO
(CNN iReport)

What we do know is that Sarah Barracuda has gone maverick
again — stunning the political world by announcing her resignation
Friday in a fishy, salmon swimming upstream-of-consciousness
speech that ticked off the elite, liberal media by giving
them no coherent comment on why she did it or what she’ll
do next.

America’s favorite moose-cookin’, Putin-huntin’ hockey mom
did say she was sick of being a political hockey puck.

And sources claim she’s so steamed about scandal rumors involving
her $1.2 million igloo that she plans to take a brief vacation
shooting media jackals from an airplane.

Then
she may hit the paid-speaker circuit, where she can reel in
big money with her inane ability to spout random strings of
words that underscore her refreshing lack of knowledge and
experience.

That would also help position her for 2012, when some say
she’ll be the GOP’s best hope to stop that President Hussein
Obama from palling around with socialists.

Supporters of a presidential bid point out that she’s a staunch
conservative who hates all the right things and is passionate
about the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.

Stay tuned to Facebook and Twitter to find out what’s next
for ex-Gov. Palin, whose family values stand to increase by
millions — with her book and TV opportunities, and her new
line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

From Anchorage, I’m Fox News anchor-puppet Deuce Murdoch.

WATCH
THE VIDEO

Jackson joins Peter Pantheon
of ‘Off the Wall’ entertainers

Good
evening and welcome to Day 6 of our round-the-clock salute
to legendary pop star Michael Jackson.

I’m Humor Gazette news anchorman Reid Page … and this
is the 13 O’Clock News. (CLICK
to see VIDEO)

Since his death on Thursday at age 50, the media’s nonstop,

over-the-top King of Pop coverage has been absolutely sensational.

But critics claim it is overshadowing such vital news stories
as the unrest in Iran, which has taken a violent turn as pro-Jackson
demonstrators clash with repressive anti-Jacko extremists.

Certain tabloids have aired rank speculation about whether
"Wacko Jacko OD’d on cracko," but we here at 13
O’Clock News have taken a more respectful tone in our coverage
of the only American entertainer ever to walk on the moon.

Idolized around the globe — he is revered as Michael Jacko-san
in Japan and feared as El Jacko in parts of Venezuela — few
could argue that his legacy places him in the Peter Pantheon
of beloved, yet deeply troubled artists.

And while we would be remiss not to acknowledge his unparalleled,
self-provoked contributions to the world of tasteless humor,
let the record show that Mr. Jackson — honored at the White
House in 1984 by President Ronald Reagan for his work with
the Elephant Man — is credited with pioneering breakthroughs
in the fields of plastic surgery, baby dangling and zombie
choreography.

His 1970 hit "ABC" is credited with teaching millions
of young children to learn the first three letters of the
alphabet.

The notoriously reclusive Mr. Jackson died just as he was
set to launch a London comeback tour with 50 sold-out shows.

Details were scarce, but CNN — in a live broadcast from
its Neverland bureau — reported that in addition to several
numbers featuring giraffes and albino backup dancers, Mr.
Jackson planned to take the stage with Jesse Jackson, former
"Charlie’s Angel" Kate Jackson and singer Jackson
Browne in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian democracy
… with a portion of the proceeds benefiting the Shoeless
Joe Jackson Foundation.

Mr. Jackson endured a difficult and traumatic perpetual childhood
— from vicious beatings at the hands of his father and years
of ridicule from media "haters," to being set on
fire by Pepsi in 1984.

His
valiant attempts to live a so-called normal life included
marrying the daughter of Elvis Presley and palling around
with chimpanzees, parasitic enablers and Liza Minelli.

He is survived by three children — Gloved One Jr., Prince
Albert-In-A-Can and Electric Blanket Jackson.

Creepy eccentricities aside, this singular pop singer-slash-icon
will be remembered as a sensitive and compassionate being
who donated millions to charity, and as an outspoken advocate
for peace and racial harmony.

On a personal note: Ever since this reporter, as a child
himself, saw a young
Michael Jackson perform on TV, he has appreciated
— and felt first-hand — this gifted, tragically flawed artist’s
electrifying ability to use music to touch the human soul.

With enduring respect for Michael Joseph Jackson, I’m 13
O’Clock News anchorman Reid Page.

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