Alaska
governor palin-izes Newt Gingrich

By
John Breneman

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin definitely did NOT plagiarize Newt
Gingrich during a recent speech about Ronald Reagan. She Palin-ized
him.

Though Palin failed to mention that chunks of her 17-minute
speech were lifted from a 2005 article co-written by Gingrich,
she did acknowledge that, "Recently, Newt Gingrich, he
had written a good article about Reagan…"

While introducing Reagan’s son Michael at a GOP event in
Alaska last Wednesday, Palin said Reagan taught us that, "courage
and persistence are keys to historic achievement." In
contrast, Gingrich credited Reagan with teaching that, "Courage
and persistence are the keys to historic achievement."

Palin also mentioned the Gingrich
article a second time during her address — and though
several passages appear
to be lifted directly from Gingrich’s writing, supporters
say Palin sufficiently mangled the former House speaker’s
words and threw in enough "you betchas" to claim
the ideas as her own.

After all, Palin was a college journalism major who was far
too smart to fall for Katie Couric’s trick "gotcha"
questions about what she reads to stay so well-informed.

Critics who are fond of claiming that President Obama is
illiterate without a teleprompter pointed out that Palin was
not reading from ANY electronic devices whatsoever when she
said of Reagan:

"Reagan knew that real change and real change requiring
shaking things up and maybe takin’ off the entrenched interest
thwarting the will of the people with their ignoring of our
concerns about future peril caused by selfish short-sighted
advocacy for growing government and digging more debt, and
taking away individual and state’s rights and hampering opportunity
to responsibly develop our resources, and coddling those who
would seek to harm America and her allies."

A
little Reagan trickles down into the speeches of all Republican
politicians, but Palin’s little Dutch treat showed she’ll
do whatever it takes to be the GOP’s new Cute Rockne.

In other efforts to appear Reaganesque, Palin announced
she had just signed legislation that outlaws Russia forever
and ordered the Alaska National Guard to begin bombing in
five minutes.

She also called on the repressive communist government of
China to "tear down that wall."

VIDEO
of Palin’s Gingrich/Reagan speech

Related story: Palin
comparison: she’s no Dan Quayle — Oct. 3, 2008

Humor Gazette video: Fox
Puppet News: Sarah Palin & GOP convention — Sept.
3, 2008

Cheney shoots political enemy in the face

By
John Breneman

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has shot former counterterrorism
chief Richard Clarke in the face, metaphorically.

The attack came Monday as Cheney continued his daring, 50-state
propaganda spree at the National Press Club in Washington,
D.C.

Asked about a recent Clarke op-ed piece critical of the administration,
Cheney said, "You know, Dick Clarke. Dick Clarke, who
was the head of the counterrorism program in the run-up to
9/11. He obviously missed it."

Pow.

Cheney’s muzzle-load of bull-shot richocheted straight into
the face of every American, especially those who know that
Richard Clarke spent the months leading up to 9/11 carpet-bombing
the White House with messages warning of an al-Qaeda attack,
begging unresponsive Bush officials to take heed.

Cheney blasted away at Clarke despite a smoking-gun
paper trail of correspondence from the counterterrorism
boss, including:

"Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack" (May
3, 2001)
"Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing" (May 26)
"Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent" (June 23)
"Bin Ladin and Associates Making Near-Term Threats"
(June 25)
"Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks" (June
30)
"Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays"
(July 2)

And finally, unable to interest the White House in this urgent,
imminent peril, Clarke emailed Condoleezza Rice on Sept. 4,
2001, asking, "Are we serious about dealing with the
al-Qaeda threat?"

When reminded by the moderator of Clarke’s well-documented
warnings, Cheney — after a brief pause during which he decided
not to shoot the moderator in the face — pretended he didn’t
remember and then fired off a punch line, saying, "That’s
not my recollection, but I haven’t read his book."

Wow.

Cheney’s magical revisionist history tour — a series of
guerrilla TV appearances intended to cement his legacy as
America’s spine-chilling, unrepentant torturer-in-chief —
is apparently having an impact.

As the truth continues to ooze out about the Cheney gang’s
dark White House, polls show that 82% of Americans admit being
scared that Cheney might come to their house late at night
and strangle them in their sleep.

Related story: Cheney
slays 12 in Memorial Day 21-gun salute — May 29,
2006

Rush,
Newt back Sotomayor for Supreme Court job

By
John Breneman

Conservative pundits Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich announced
today they strongly support elevating federal appeals court
Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court … as its cleaning
lady.

Sotomayor has been branded a racist by both men — Gingrich,
the former Tweeter of the House, and Limbaugh one of the nation’s
leading producers of racist rhetoric.

The judge stands to become the first Hispanic justice to serve
on the High Court, but because she was nominated by President
Obama, some on the far right believe it is their duty to trash
Sotomayor by any means necessary — part of their mission
to purge the Republican Party of everyone except rich conservative
honkies.

Former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo, whose anti-immigrant
2008 presidential run was hailed by those who share his Archie
Bunker mentality, said Sotomayor was a member of the "Latino
KKK" and offered to burn her house down in the middle
of the night.

Obama’s selection of Sotomayor has also disappointed some
on the left who hoped he would be more aggressive about adding
diversity to the court by picking the nation’s first openly
gay Haitian-Japanese transvestite albino Orthodox Pagan jurist.

Also troubling to some analysts, Sotomayor’s judicial record
reveals no indication how she would rule when the inevitable
"John & Kate Plus Eight" divorce case reaches
the high court.

Other critics say Sotomayor’s record on the bench raises
concerns that she might be a strict neo-originalistic pro-Darwinian
reconstructionist.

However, supporters say she is supremely well-qualified.
Her favorite musical group is The Supremes and she subsists
primarily on Pizza Hut Super Supreme pizza, though there is
little or no paper trail on what toppings she prefers. She
also has a cat named Oliver Wendell Holmes and a schnauzer
named Brown vs. the Board of Education.

Her
idol is said to be the distinguished former Chief Justice
Joseph Albert Wapner and she once did pro bono work for Sonny
Bono.

Senate Republicans are expected to employ a variety of tactics
— intense questioning, badgering, tickling, sodium pentathol
and waterboarding — to grill her about her stance on Roe
v. Wade, Donkey v. Elephant, Paper v. Plastic and the People
vs. Pea-Brained Satirists.

Related story: Judge
Roberts faces abortion litmus test — July 29, 2005

Captain
Freedom here to satirize the day

Captain
Freedom (aka mild-mannered satirist Newton-based satirist
G. Xavier Robillard) flies in to the Brookline Booksmith tomorrow
evening to single-handedly read from his new book "Captain
Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice and the Celebrity
He So Richly Deserves."

Captain Freedom’s many triumphs in keeping the world safe
for de-mock-racy include his recent victory in the fourth
annual HumorFeed
Satire News Awards, for his rollicking exclusive "Baristas
Claim Obama’s Coffee Not Black Enough."

"Captain Freedom," just published by HarperCollins,
is the first novel for the busy Robillard, who runs the humor
Web site AllDayCoffee.net.

Visit Captain Freedom online or see him in person tomorrow
(Feb. 11) 7 p.m. at the Brookline Booksmith, 279 Harvard Ave.,
Brookline MA.

And
don’t forget to support Freedom by purchasing copies of his
new book.

("I laughed until I accidentally spun a web."
— Spider-Man)

("Very comical, indeed." — Bruce Wayne)

Related Story:
Bush
sworn in on a stack of Bibles (Jan. 20, 2005)

By
John Breneman

An Alabama man says he felt blessed when X-rays revealed
a mysterious 8-inch growth in his brain that was the spitting
image of Jesus.

However, his rejoicing was shortlived. Doctors say the tumor
is malignant, leaving him just 4-6 weeks to revel in the glory
of his medical miracle.

"The Good Lord works in mysterious ways," said
Larry Holiday, an unemployed church janitor. "Who am
I to question the almighty divine holy creator in the sky?"

Holiday said he plans to auction the tumor, posthumously,
on eBay to provide for his family and dreams of reaping $5,000
for the sacred carinoma.

"I heard a man got $700 for a dang grilled-cheese Jesus,"
he said. "So I figure to make a bundle. Lord willing."

However, analysts say the sluggish economy has depressed
the market for items and surfaces bearing the image of Christ,
including baked potatoes, wallpaper stains and puppy fur.
One expert, though, believes the Holiday tumor could be the
savior of the hard-hit Jesus iconography industry.

"I’ve seen the Big Guy’s face in cauliflower, rutabagas,
floor boards, tree bark, rocks, pie crust, vomit. You name
it," said Bethlehem University jesusologist Fred Cross.
"But this tumor, this is the biggest thing since the
beatific Cheeto of Luxembourg."

Jesus of Nazareth could not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Jesus
Christ, box-office superstar
— What if Mel Gibson’s "Passion of the Christ"
(aka "Bashin’ of the Christ" or "Lethal Whippin’")
made Jesus a Hollywood heavyweight starring in "There’s
Something About Mary Magdalene" and "Guess Who’s
Coming to the Last Supper"? (June,
2004)

Hannity’s
new Colmes: Frankie Goldchains

Fox News has announced that Alan Colmes will soon leave his
post as liberal co-host of "Hannity & Colmes."

As Fox decides whether to simply rename the show "Hannity
and More Hannity," one contender to replace Colmes is
tough-guy media pundit Frankie Goldchains, a former mob hit
man, rat and underworld consultant.

"HANNITY & COLMES" SCREEN TEST:
FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS

Sean, you ignorant schmuck! This here is Frankie Goldchains!!

Yeah, too bad about your boy Colmes. I heard he busted up
your little "Hannity & Colmes" sorority party.
So I’m taking Colmes’ old job, see.

I got you figured out, Hannity. Right-wing pretty boy. …
You talk a big game, but I bet you got a glass jaw.

Day after Colmes leaves, I’m in your face like a frickin’
left-wing cage fighter. Bada-BOOM! Bada-BING! And don’t expect
me to be some limp, lefty punching bag like old Colmesy there.

You smug millionaire gasbag. I’ll smack that frickin’ grin
off your makeup-caked piehole.

Fair and balanced, yeah right. You unbalanced fairy.

I’m gonna come down there … debate the crap outta you.

No more "Hannity & Colmes." From now on its
"Hannity & Goldchains," see. Wait, I got a new
name for you, Pinhead — "Goldchains & Hannity"
!!!

Brought
to you by: Humor Gazette Theater

Radio
host to Obama: ‘Go screw yourself’

By
John Breneman

If you love to hate Barack Obama, but don’t know where to
turn now that 65 million Americans have cast their vote for
his bright, passionately expressed vision for our nation’s
future, I have four letters for you — WTKK (96.9 FM, Boston).

There, right-wing talk radio host Jay Severin exercised his
freedom of speech by playing a snippet of Obama’s moving election-night
speech and offering this response to the president-elect:
"Go screw yourself."

This patriotic fellow’s stated aim is "to politically
destroy Barack Obama … to undermine and destroy his political
ability to govern or to have any hope of a successful administration."

Mr. Severin praises his listeners as "the best and brightest,"
while washing their brains with white noise about the boogie
man’s love of socialism and terrorism. He smugly demeans Obama
supporters as "the young and otherwise ignorant."

His station bills itself as "Boston’s Talk Evolution."
Sadly, my commute does not coincide with Mr. Severin’s air
time. So to feed my curiosity about the media’s de-evolution,
I instead subject myself to small doses of his colleague,
comedian Michael Graham, whose best punch line is calling
his program "The Natural Truth."

Echoing
the newest right-wing yakking point, Mr. Graham’s post-election
shtick is to pretend he is being censored and oppressed by
"our liberal overlords."

Imploring listeners to "join the resistance," he
proclaimed that "talk radio is under assault." Now
that our totalitarian "dear leader" has assumed
power, Mr. Graham lamented, he can no longer utter the middle
name of "Barack You-Know-Who Obama."

Of course, he can say "Barack Hussein Obama" till
he’s blue in the face. America still isn’t falling for the
Muslim terrorist sympathizer routine.

On Friday, one of the Mr. Graham’s first callers picked up
on his rhetoric about Obama’s plan to help young people afford
college in exchange for military or community service. The
caller said the plan reminded her of Hitler youth in Nazi
Germany. Guess who plays Hitler in this scenario. (Clue: His
middle name is Hussein.)

That’s
"The Natural Truth" for you — America oppressed
by the evil Obama.

The "fair and balanced" crowd is sounding the alarm
that Obama and his godless, elite, liberal cronies are bent
on reinstituting something called the Fairness Doctrine, which
scares the right with language intended to hold extremists
on both sides accountable for their most egregious smears,

However, since Mr. Obama holds our Constitution in higher
regard than our current president, it is unlikely he would
tolerate restrictions on freedom of speech.

If anything, Obama’s election is regarded as a boon to right-wing
talk radio. Now that he is in power, efforts to demonize him
— or "politically destroy" him as Mr. Severin puts
it — will be even more financially lucrative.

These self-styled mini-Rush Limbaughs are smart operators.
They figure the unimpeded flow of anti-Obama effluent is what
keeps them in a higher tax bracket than you, me and Joe the
Plumber.

* * * * *

Note: I invite defenders of Mr. Severin and Mr. Graham to
respond, but please understand that I am unequivocally against
censoring them or anyone else.

Also, thank you in advance for reminding me that I can change
the channel. Mr. Best & Brightest and Mr. Natural Truth
purport to facilitate a public discourse; I am simply responding
to their offer in a way that expresses my thoughts more fully
than would be possible on the radio.

Related links:
Jay
Severin’s phony Pulitzer

Severin’s
oops about killing Muslims

Swift
potato: McCain linked
to Potato-Industrial Complex

By
John Breneman

New evidence has emerged linking Republican presidential
nominee John McCain with Canadian-based McCain Foods, the
world’s leading producer of French fries.

A
group calling itself McCain Lovers For Obama has released
an anti-McCain attack ad charging that Sen. McCain is "in
the pocket of Big Potato," having taken billions from
"the Potato-Industrial Complex."

The ad features two iconic blue-collar voters, Joe Lunch-Bucket
and Tommy Twelve-Pack, discussing their love for McCain while
savoring a plate of McCain crinkle cut French fries.

The ad then blatantly attempts to "Swift Potato"
Sen. McCain with unsubstantiated "Tater-Gate" allegations.

Related story:
McCain
linked to error kingpin Abu Dubya

Erection
’08: Bob Dole running for president

Saying
America needs a spunky, virile leader to get its flaccid economy
back on top, 1996 Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole
announced today he is taking another crack at the White House.

“The economy’s shootin’
blanks,” said Bob Dole. “America needs a stiff dose
of Bob Dole.”

Pledging to “stick
it to the special interests,” Dole said he is counting
on support from “schwing voters” who may be suffering
from “electoral dysfunction.”

Watch
Bob Dole lay out his platform for what he is calling “the
biggest erection of our time.”

Related story:
Doctors:
Bush suffers from Iraq-tile dysfunction