Shedding our cell-phone hangups

By
John Breneman

Hello? Yeah, it’s me. Due to recent advancements in technology
and marketing, I am now convinced that I can no longer exist
without a cell phone. Lately I’ve noticed that almost everyone
is having great fun chatting into them while walking down
the street or weaving down the interstate.

Can you hear me now? I’m told Virgin Mobile has cherry deals
for cell-phone virgins and, no, I don’t believe reports that
the radiation causes brain damage in laboratory rats.

From watching TV, I am aware that cellular phone manufacturers
are always innovating, dreaming up new ways for consumers
to enjoy their product. The people at Nextel say you can now
utilize their popular 6600 model to insulate yourself from
non-cellular sensory experience and blot out up to 90% of
the annoying audiovisual stimuli produced by the world around
you.

Sanyo says you can hear voices in your RX100 while doing
yoga, sitting through interminable religious services or tucking
in the baby. If you’re hip to the hype you know a shiny Samsung
can help you feel young, Audiovox rocks and Panasonic is simply
symphonic. Talk about the old hard sell, a slick-talking nametag
at Circuit City assured me I can "choke my Nokia"
whenever and wherever I please.

So don’t tell me it’s unsafe to zigzag down the highway with
a phone in my hand and a voice in my head. Wheeling and dealing
behind the wheel is all part of the deal. Why else would Motorola
make an 8-megapixel i860 equipped with overhead cameras and
a factory hemi?

Another thing that appeals to me about the cellular telephone
craze is that they are always coming out with "cool"
new phrases to use on your "cell." The following
are "in" for 2005:

— "Lemme speed up, I can’t hear you with all these
stupid cars honking at me."
— "At the end of the day I just want to diversify my
portfolio."
— "While I’m here, do we need any analgesic? Cube steak?"
— "And so I was, like, whatever."
— "Sorry, I can ba–ly underst–d wh– you’re s–ing
with all this f—ing st-tic."
— "No thanks. I don’t want to consider switching to
a new plan."
— "Hang on while I finish up this orgasm."

Yet despite all these swell advancements (smell-phones by
Calvin Klein, coming soon) cellular communication has its
detractors, those who would stem cell-phone research for ethical
reasons. How dare they? Freedom of wireless speech is guaranteed
in the U.S. Cellular Constitution …

Hold on a second, I think I feel something vibrating in my
pants.