Bin Laden’s driver linked
to Miss Daisy

By John Breneman

The
Supreme Court heard oral arguments this week from attorneys
for Osama bin Laden’s former chauffeur, a longtime Guantanamo
Bay resident who is challenging the Bush administration’s
right to try accused war criminals by military tribunal.

"One day I was driving
Mr. B down to the Piggly Wiggly," said Salim
Ahmed Hamdan, who bears a striking resemblance to
the actor Morgan Freeman, "and alls he could talk about
was bombing the American infidels."

"So I said, ‘Mr. B, you too old to be hatin’ like
that.’ But he didn’t pay me no mind, just laughed at me while
he beheaded the cashier and pistol-whipped the stockboy."
Legal analysts say the court also expected to hear testimony
from bin Laden’s former butler, his dry cleaner and the
guy who took care of his fish tank.

Justice Anton Scalia said anyone who believes detainees
have any rights is an "idiot." He said Hamdan
had "a rap sheet as long as a camel’s dong" —
including speeding, driving to endanger the free world and
illegal transportation of non-existent weapons of mass destruction.

The alleged terror wheelman denied that he drove the getaway
car when President Bush let bin Laden escape from the mountains
of Tora Bora. Meanwhile, Judge Samuel Alito kept glancing
at his watch and asking if it was time to overturn Roe v.
Wade yet.

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Saddam
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