Fake Quotes of Year: 2005

"I
thought it would be a gas."

Prince Harry, attributing his decision to attend a costume
party dressed as a Nazi to a combination of booze, ecstasy
and crack (Jan. 14, "When Harry met Nazi")

"This
is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat
for man’s innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction."

Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp,
in the Jan. 27 exclusive "Global warming caused by increased
activity in Hell"

"That
guy kills me. Axis of Evil, bring ’em on, dead or alive. He’s
got a million of ’em."

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il,
speaking of President Bush in the Feb. 11 story "Gunfight
at the WMD Corrall."

"I
admit I was skeptical, didn’t believe I could lose weight
by combining unusual delicacies like goat beef and Lucky Charms
cereal. But before I knew it, that extra quarter-ton of blubber
had disappeared and my skin hung on me like a cheap radiation
suit."

Patti Arbuckle,
on losing 452 lbs. with The Humor Gazette Diet (Feb. 25)

"These
cows must seek professional help to confront their inner rage."

Dr. Milton Shepherd of the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
commenting in the March 7 story "Mad cows sent to anger
management"

"Michael
Jackson is being persecuted by the imperialist running dogs
of the U.S. media-industrial complex."

Saddam Hussein, media pundit (March 21)

"Gotcha.
Heh-heh. You been punk’d."

President Bush to a pack of slack-jawed media jackals
(April 1, "President ‘punked’ press, public with Iraq
gag")

"Those
teachers didn’t care if you could read. As long as you demonstrated
intense hatred of the American pig-dogs they would just pass
you on to the next grade. In fact when I was in sixth grade,
I was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."

Wak-Jaab al-Jalopy,
describing how their fanatically anti-American education
has left many Muslim extremists hopelessly stupid (July 22)

"That’s
why they call him
al Qaeda’s ‘number-two man’ — because he’s a cowardly piece
of (bleep)."

FBI spokesman John Doe,
speaking of Ayman al-Zawahiri after the terror leader released
a videotaped message (Aug. 5)

"Don’t
get me started on Allah. I’m going to make him an offer he
can’t refuse."

Rev. Pat Robertson,
aka "The Sermonator"
(Aug. 29)

"The
pump price for unleaded has increased the cost of pumping
a punk full of lead."

Noted gangland economist Notorious S.T.P.,
commenting on the Sept. 9 story "Gas prices impact ‘drive-by’
shootings"

"’Thou
shalt not kill’ just doesn’t resonate with the modern generation
today. We’re thinking of changing it to, ‘Don’t friggin’ kill
each other you morons.’"

Ward O’DeLord, PR spokesman for God
("God announces plan to cut non-essential humans,"
Sept. 26)

"He
was always a jerk. When we were kids he used to he used to
put a bag over my head and threaten to chop my arms off. He
even beheaded our gerbil, Lil Pete."

Abu
"Bob" al-Zarqawi,
younger brother of terrorist dickhead
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (Nov. 25)

"I
am Saddam.
Saddam I am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham."

Saddam Hussein,
pleading insanity (Nov. 28)

"Both
cheeks were totaled in the attack. Those wolverines really
wrecked ’em."

Dr. Francois Butay,
French ass transplant surgeon (Dec. 5)

Real Quotes of the Year: 2005

"I
think about Iraq every day."

President Bush (June 20)

"Brownie,
you’re doin’ a heck of a job."

President Bush (Sept. 2)