French
doctors perform first ass transplant

By
John Breneman

PARIS — French doctors have shocked the medical world by
performing the world’s first successful ass transplant. The
patient: an obese man whose original buttocks was disfigured
when he was attacked by wolverines while eating beef jerky.

Claude Derriere came through the surgery well and is now
under round-the-clock observation to make sure his body does
not reject the ass — or, even more important, that the new
gluteus maximus does not reject him.

The crack team of ass surgeons used a state-of-the-art croquet
mallet to anesthetize the 300-pound patient before slapping
on the considerably smaller donor buttocks, harvested from
a Chippendale’s dancer who was killed in a bizarre accident
involving a top hat, a walking stick and five unidentified
gerbils.

Doctors encountered several complications during the nine-hour
operation, including periodic blasts of flatulence described
as "heinous." Efforts to salvage part of the man’s
original can were unsuccessful.

"Both cheeks were totaled in the attack. Those wolverines
really wrecked ’em," said Dr. Francois Butay, noting
that surgeons were forced to use polyurethane putty, roofing
tar and an ordinary household caulking gun to help secure
the donor ass.

Doctors
say Mssr. Derriere should be able to live a fairly normal
life, once his loved ones get used to the constant odor of
industrial waste. But he has been told he will definitely
need an ass lift in several years and, of course, biannual
injections of Botox in the buttocks.

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