Gas prices have U.S. motorists over a
barrel

By
John Breneman

Gas prices soared to record highs over the weekend, fueling
a corresponding spike in the use of crude language at the
pump.

"Bleep," said petroleum consumer Joe Ford while
pumping gas in Hyannis, Mass. "Nowadays when I hit the
gas, I go from zero to $20 in 3.7 seconds."

Rising prices have increased pressure on the automobile industry
to invent vehicles powered by political hot air. Lee Iacocca
is leading the way with his prototype for the new Chrysler
Rhetorica, featuring a revolutionary new fuel cell capable
of harnessing the vast quantities of hot air emanating from
Washington, D.C.

Its designers say that if the Rhetorica begins to lose power,
the driver can simply flip on the radio to Rush Limbaugh or
Bill O’Reilly and a specially designed fuel cell will transfer
the unremitting blasts of hot air straight into its state-of-the-art
engine. They also recommend keeping a CD of John Kerry speeches in the glove compartment for long-distance travel.

Honda is reportedly working on a methane-fueled car powered
by the bullcrap these politicians sling around rather than
actually getting anything done.

Fortunately President Bush has used the knowledge and contacts
he gained as a failed oil industry executive to keep the petroleum
powers-that-be from feeling the pinch. When asked after 9/11
whether Americans should pay more attention to energy conservation,
he wisely said "Nope."

Energy analysts say it is too early to tell if the president’s military drilling of Iraq will yield dividends.

Related stories:
Bush
puts the moves on Saudi prince — April 27, 2005

President’s
energy plan calls for personal petroleum accounts
— April 29, 2005

Tomorrow: read about a Dutch windmill-powered car
and other exciting new transportation technologies.