Gillette unveils cutting edge miracle
razor

By
John Breneman

In a move certain to "revolutionize" the way people
blow money on intensely hyped gadgets, Gillette today unveiled
a state-of-the-art, five-blade razor featuring a built-in
cell phone, MP3 player, Internet connection and GPS navigation.

With its patented satellite-feed technology, the device will
also enable shavers to watch a full selection of NFL games
on its high-definition, five-millimeter plasma screen.

The quintuple-action razor, which also features pruning shears
and a powerful Black & Decker hedge trimmer, is being
called Fusion because "it needed a punchy, slick-sounding
name and Slingblade was already taken," said company
spokesman Les Nixon-Cutts.

But wait, there’s more. The Fusion is also equipped with
a pepper spray blaster to disable anyone who tries to get
up in your silky smooth face while you gab mindlessly on the
phone, surf the Web or play Donkey Kong on the tiny device.

Powered by a small nuclear core that makes it illegal in
all Axis of Evil countries, the Fusion system is expected
to be a huge revenue earner for Boston-based Gillette.

Company CEO James
Kilts, who has been harshly criticized for slashing
local jobs while reaping $180 million from the sale of Gillette
to Procter & Gamble, said Fusion will "set a new
standard in shaving technology and performance … AND
put another quick $100 million in my pocket."

However it appears the tension may be getting to Kilts, who
showed up at today’s unveiling ceremony sporting an unsightly
five o’clock shadow and several bloodied pieces of toilet
paper stuck to his face.

Brandishing a shiny new Fusion in his right hand, Kilts taunted
members of the media, ranting, "You want a piece of me?"
and "Don’t make me cut you."

Gillette rival Schick quickly announced plans to introduce
an 18-blade "Swiss Army shaving system with laser-guided
tracking, digital video camera and a nifty bottle opener."

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