Global warming caused
by increased activity in Hell
Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have
solved the mystery of global warming.
A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev.
Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual
rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes
in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but
rather by increased activity in Hell.
Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis,
Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature
climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is
caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly
to Hades.
For example:
— Snatching of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous
fiscal year.
— Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 10.3 percent,
due in part to double-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and
greed during the 1980s and 90s.
— Underworld space constraints have caused a construction
boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.
The Helsinki report also cited charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization
of the oil-rich Middle East.
Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the
University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone,
no smoking gun."
"This is just another example of the Devil being used
as a scapegoat for man’s innate tendency toward stupidity
and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference
held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.
Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary
of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.
"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch — call
him what you will — has been around for thousands of years
perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now,
all of a sudden? It doesn’t make sense."
The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained,
because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington,
D.C.