Groundhog
predicts
six more weeks
of suicide bombings
By John Breneman
Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator,
spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow yesterday and forecast
six more weeks of suicide bombings.
Rather than spring, he also predicted the onset of an apocalyptic
nuclear winter and six more generations of global warming.
The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet also took a small dump said
to portend rising gas prices,
A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them
on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back
into his heavily fortified underground bunker.
The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between
elephants and donkeys in Washington.
Related news:
In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed
that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under
an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo
meiotic division of its nuclei, then there will be six more
weeks of accelerated binary fission. MORE