Hammer
getting hammered

By John Breneman

Nailed with a new indictment for alleged money laundering
this week, Tom DeLay — the powerful former House majority
leader once known as "The Hammer — now finds himself
just another political tool.

Asked how the indictments might affect DeLay’s status as
a national conservative political figure, one longtime associate,
the rapper MC Hammer, said simply, "You can’t touch this."

However, in addition to relinquishing his duties as majority
leader, DeLay also has been stripped of lucrative endorsement
deals with Craftsman and Arm & Hammer.

"That’s
not the type of laundering we care to be associated with,"
said a spokesman for the wholesome-imaged baking soda and
detergent giant.

The Humor Gazette/IBS News has learned that still more indictments
may be forthcoming against DeLay, as a Texas grand jury weighs
whether to charge him with five counts of being a lousy jerk.

House Speaker Dennis "Needlenose Pliers" Hastert
has selected a temporary replacement for "The Hammer,"
choosing Missouri Rep. Roy "Socket Wrench" Blunt
over California Rep. David "Hot Glue Gun" Dreier.