Shocking fake news report from Gitmo

IBS
News has obtained shocking new information about alleged prisoner
abuse at Guantanamo Bay, where detainees are being forced
to eat hot-buttered lobster until they are about to burst.

As part of its investigation into reports that the skells
at Gitmo get better food than their Nazi-esque
guards, the Humor Gazette/IBS News team was the only
fake news organization invited to observe conditions there
first-hand.

Our probe yielded evidence that the practice of treating
prisoners to chateau briand and lobster thermidor
began as a way to deflect attention from alleged mistreatment
of detainees at Gitmo, where allegations of abuse run almost
as rampant as those involving Angelina
Jolie.

The investigation also revealed:
— One guard made fun of an inmate’s Koran
and called Allah a "bonehead."
— At least one inmate fashioned a crude weapon out of a Pez
dispenser.
— Several instances of Muslim prisoners being forced to look
at racy pictures of Angelina Jolie.
— Three uncooperative enemy combatants were forced to stay
at the table and finish all of their mutton or else go to
bed without their date pudding.
— The falafel was awful, but the dirty rice was quite nice.

In order to improve public opinion about the alleged goings-on
at Gitmo, the White House has announced a special benefit
concert by the Guantanamo Bay City Rollers. (Ba-da-bump.)
They’ll be there all week.

In
other news, a source close to a source who used to be close
to Paris
Hilton, says the airhead heiress and her fiancé
— noted Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, plan to name their
first-born child … Paris. Subsequent children emerging
from skimpily clad Hilton’s barely concealed baby hole will
reportedly be named London, Venice, Manhattan (girl) and Bangkok
(boy).

In addition to making movies and TV shows and books and music
CDs and handbags and cheesecake cheeseburger commercials,
Hilton will soon be introducing a new line of stylish genital
jewelry. She is also said to be repurposing her infamous home
porn flick as an instructional video for children about how
babies are made.

Related stories:

Sean
Penn takes up fake journalism — By Peter Chianca

Scent
of a pop tart: Britney unveils perfume — Dec. 15,
2005

Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen demise — Jan. 12, 2005