Holiday
health tips

By John Breneman

— Using a phony-looking, artificial tree instead of a nice,
freshly killed natural tree may reduce your risk of being
consumed in a "Christmas conflagration" by up to
3.2%.

— Never attempt to "catch" a gingerbread man,
especially if it is running … running … as fast
as it can. (See related story: "Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase.")

— If a large, bearded man clad in red gains entrance to
your home through the chimney, hold your fire until you can
ascertain whether or not he is "the real Santa Claus."

— Drinking more than three 10-oz. glasses of spiked egg
nog may inhibit your ability to operate heavy machinery.

— Setting foot in a mall greatly increases your risk of
being crushed and/or trampled by angry mobs of "holiday
shoppers." (See related story: "Three slain in Wal-Mart
Xbox incident")

— Mincemeat is an excellent source of riboflavin

— Failure to be "nice" during the year may reduce
the quantity of material positions you are eligible to receive
later this month.

— Consuming three or more gooey marshmallow treats greatly
reduces your risk of being afflicted with SDD (Sugar Deficit
Disorder).

— "Popping" holiday bubble wrap can provide hours
of fun for all ages, but it can also kill a baby.

— Eating too much foodstuff described as "yummy"
can cause problems in your "tummy."

— Conduct a thorough background check before exposing your
child to a seemingly benevolent "department store Santa."

Related story:
Shop
and awe — Dec. 3, 2004