House
passes Spanish "Banner" ban

By
John Breneman

The House today passed a bill making it a federal crime to
sing the national anthem in Spanish, while also criminalizing
the crooning of the "Star-Spangled Banner" in French,
Chinese, Arabic and Pig Latin.

The measure also outlaws the wearing of hats — from baseball
caps to sombreros — and establishes fines for slouching,
mumbling, cellphone-talking and nose-picking during the grand
old song.

A related provision seeks to protect the integrity of the
Stars and Stripes by making it a crime to take the flag’s
name in vain — effectively banning such antipatriotic epithets
as "Flagonnit," "Mother flagger" and "What
the flag?!?"

The bill is seen as a positive development for supporters
of a constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning. A new initiative
would also ban flag-mocking, flag-smoking and flag-sodomizing.

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Uncle
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