U.S. braces for Hurricane Akbar

By
John Breneman

A dangerous al-Qaeda affiliate calling itself the al-Roker
Umbrella Jihad has issued a statement claiming responsibility
for Hurricane Dennis.

"Florida is now burning with fear and terror, from north
to south, east to west," the group said. "The next
one, Hurricane Akbar, will be a Category 4 storm aimed at
Washington, D.C., or perhaps Tallahassee."

President Bush responded by pledging to bomb as many clouds
as necessary to defeat "this weather of mass destruction."
Regarding the group’s threat of future ill winds, Mr. Bush
said, "Bring ’em on."

The president declared Florida a "major disaster area"
and plans to send millions in federal disaster relief funds
down to his brother Jeb, the governor. He once again rejected
calls from his critics to declare Iraq a major disaster area.

The Department of Homeland Security warned there is evidence
of a high-pressure system gathering in the Middle East and
the CIA reportedly has intercepted some "chatter"
that Iran is working an advanced weapons system capable of
delivering a barrage of 120-millimeter, armor-piercing hail
stones.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff is urging Americans
to be extra vigilant against tornados, sand storms and tsunamis.

Tomorrow’s forecast calls for a 60 percent chance of terror,
prompting noted blues meteorologist and "Hurricane"
expert Bob Dylan to observe, "You don’t need
a weatherman to know which way the
war blows."

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