Dewey hammers Truman in Iraqi election

By
John Breneman

The Iraqi election is being hailed as a triumphant first
step in that country’s violent transition to an Islamocratic
form of government, and a mandate for President Bush’s crusade
to rid the world of non-democracy.

The vote was widely seen as a crushing defeat for Terrorist
Party leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, whose effort to literally
"take out" the vote yielded a pathetic single-digit
turnout of suicide bombers. A spokesman for Al Qaeda suggested
Zarqawi may have squandered too much on his anti-election
warchest on costly attack ads boasting of Election Day attacks.

The networks reported that turnout might have been somewhere
around 60 percent (margin of error 10.6 inky blue fingers),
while devoting approximately 60 percent of their coverage
to speculation on how the strong turnout would affect everything
from the price of oil to the New York Stock Exchange and the
all-important Fatwa Index.

FOX News blasted Al Jazeera, Al Arabiya and Al Franken for
biased coverage, while offering "fair and balanced"
commentary accusing U.S. liberals of "rooting for the
insurgents."

The highlight from the FOX newsroom — where anchors actually
read the line "only one network has real journalism"
— was when Shepard Smith personally heralded Geraldo Rivera
for his "impressive" work reporting on what the
day meant to Geraldo.

One exit poll said 99 percent of the voters believe terrorists
are "morons and assholes" and reactions on the streets
of Baghdad ranged from that annoying high-pitched ululating
sound to joyous shouts of "Holy Shiite!"

President Bush’s approval rating among Iraqis skyrocketed
to a record-high 3.2 percent, prompting White House speculation
that if he rolled through Baghdad in a ticker-tape parade,
Bush would be showered with sweets, flowers … and that
annoying high-pitched ululating sound.

An administration spokesperson added that the Iraq vote could
pave the way for future elections in Iran, Syria, North Korea
and other naughty governments on the president’s regime-change
list.

Despite a few hanging jihads, the election was considered
a raging success. But most holy war pundits agree it will
still be a rocky road to Iraqi democracy.