Jacko
reclaims control of media spotlight

By
John Breneman

After a brief tussle with Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul
II, embattled pop star Michael Jackson today reclaimed control
of the media spotlight with a videotaped message to the millions
around the globe in search of moral and spiritual guidance.

Sporting a sequined "Pope Rocks!" armband and appearing
next to a shrine festooned with pictures of Macauley Culkin,
Jackson issued a plea for world peace and heightened tolerance
of well-meaning albino pedophiles.

Jackson promised "the faithful" that he will be
acquitted of molestation charges and likened his suffering
to that of Pee-Wee Herman. He also shared his belief that
stem-cell research is "icky" and that the death
penalty should only be used to punish "meanies."

In other news, Jacko denied accepting kickbacks from the
United Nations oil-for-food program and danced around allegations
that he has flip-flopped on Social Security reform.