Letter
to the groom

I’m tying the knot this weekend. Below is a note I wrote
to a friend of mine a little while back when he was getting
married…

Dear Chris —

I’m thrilled and honored that you’ve asked me to be your
best man. I hope I can help in some small way to make your
wedding day unforgettable. Just got your tuxedo instructions
in the mail, but it turns out I won’t need to be fitted after
all.

I have a wardrobe of about 15 custom tuxes for all occasions
but am having a new one tailored for your special day. I’m
sure you and Lisa won’t mind that I have added a few flourishes.

It will be the traditional black velvet, of course, an Armani
"Monkey Suit" model with prehensile tails. I’ve
taken the liberty of adding a broad, white Formula One-style
racing stripe down my back, with the numerals 910 emblazoned
next to it. The suit is fire-retardant, of course, and conforms
to rigorous NASCAR safety specifications.

I’ve also added a trifle of raspberry wainscotting to the
jacket and faux alligator-skin ruffles to the legs of my see-through
Ralph Lauren pants.

I will be sporting a military-fatigue utility cummerbund,
with velcro pockets to accommodate my arsenal of weapons,
communications devices and intoxicants.

My bowtie is a little something I found at Weddingo’s Novelty
Shoppe. It is fluorescent black and will spin around at a
rate of approximately 600 revolutions per minute.

My
state-of-the-art neckwear will emit a high-pitched squealing
sound and shoot white sparks approximately five feet into
the air, but its force should not be sufficient to lift me
off the ground at any point during the ceremony.

In recognition of my religious beliefs, I will have to insist
on wearing a 4-foot-tall chromium alloy cross around my neck,
encrusted with polished gravel and etched with the likenesses
of Pedro Martinez, Speed Racer and Jesus.

I plan to wear my favorite Indonesian-rules kickboxing gloves,
if that is OK, and my steel-toed platform Doc Marten boots.
Black, of course.

I’ve created a lovely organic cauliflower boutonniere, but
am waffling on whether to wear my "Whack Iraq" stickpin.

The timeless elegance of matching 4-carat diamond tongue
and nose studs should round out the ensemble quite nicely,
I think.

I guess that’s about it — other than my Jose Cuervo eyepatch,
my 3-foot-tall Dr. Seuss top hat and my fire-red "Congratulations
Chris and Lisa" neck tattoo.

Looking forward to the big day!

PS — Just let me know if you want me to take care of the
wedding cake.

John