Mad cows sent to anger management

By
John Breneman

To protect American consumers from a possible recurrence
of a deadly public health crisis, hundreds of mad cows are
being herded into anger management counseling.

"These cows must seek professional help to confront
their inner rage," said Dr. Milton Shepherd of the U.S.
Department of Agriculture. "Otherwise, millions of Americans
will never feel safe eating a hamburger or a juicy, steaming
bowl of Beef-a-Roni."

As health officials scramble to pinpoint the source of a couple slabs of tainted beef found in the Northwest, they are also quarantining all
pissed-off or angry-looking cows to make sure the disease
does not spread to other animals.

"If this mad cow situation is not contained quickly,
before we know it we could have a mad pony epidemic on our
hands," said Dr. Shepherd. "Not to mention mad chickens
and mad pigs. They say mad kittens are the worst."

Health officials are also busy separating fact from myth.

"Humans cannot contract crabs or camel toe by eating
tainted meat," said Dr. Fester N. Carcass of the Centers
for Disease Control. "And there is absolutely no connection
between mad cow and the monkeypox scare that swept the nation
in 2003."

Nevertheless, the public is being urged to remain vigilant
about animal-related medical conditions. "Just use common
sense," said Dr. Carcass. "Consult a physician if
you are feeling mousy, bird-brained or dog tired. And don’t
eat anything called Bovine Encephalitis casserole."