Marlboro Man: ‘Come to where the cancer
is’

By
John Breneman

Today’s mailbag included some thoughtful correspondence from
the Marlboro Man inviting me to "Come to where the flavor
is."

He didn’t mention anything about coming to where the chemotherapy
is, but I guess that doesn’t kick in until later. The legendary
tobacco spokes-icon is a Marlboro
Man of few words, letting his $1, $2 and $5 coupons
speak for themselves.

Depicted in an extreme closeup — dirt flying, cowboy hat
and rough denim sleeve shadowing the flinty determination
etched in has face as he tackles some unfortunate stunt steer
against a backdrop of subliminal stars and stripes — the
Man is as virile as his product is virulent.

And whether he’s hooking some hapless cow or hooking his
next patsy, the Smoking Man doesn’t pull any punches. My sweet
Marlboro pamphlet tells exactly how much tar and nicotine
come in each flavor-packed cancer stick.

By
my read, the best deal seems to be the 100 Regulars because
you get a satisfying 17mg dose of tar and 1.3 mgs of nicotine.
They don’t even mention the generous helpings of bonus ingredients
like arsenic,
ammonia, hydrogen cyanide and carbon monoxide.

The Marlboro promo reminded me of a standup snippet; I believe
it was Steve Martin who once quipped: "My doctor recommended
I take up smoking. He said I wasn’t getting enough tar."

Anyway, despite the mighty Marlboro Man’s kind invitation
to suck toxic chemicals into my lungs and take a premature
dirt nap, I don’t think I want to "Come to where the
flavor is." No thank you.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking may kill you stone
dead. But, hey, don’t let that stop you from forking over
your hard-earned money to filthy rich, morally bankrupt super-corporations.
It’s a free country, after all. Just ask the dude in the cowboy
hat.

Related story:
Coming
soon: Cancer in a pouch — Aug. 8, 2001