New probe probes impact of probes
By
John Breneman
Recent probes into anthrax, church sex and corporate excess
have sparked public demand for intrusive new probes into every
orifice of American life.
"Polls show that people love a good probe," said
Barnaby Holmes, head of a blue-ribbon panel probing the public’s
renewed interest in probes. "Citizens have come to depend
on these probes to keep track of who’s getting screwed and
who’s doing the screwing."
Regarding the Justice Department probe into who leaked CIA
agent Valerie Plame’s identity, he said, “The American
people need to know who knew what and when did they know it.
Will the Plame leak probe spawn a new probe into ongoing leaks
about the probe itself? Probably.”
The House Subcommittee on Bipartisan Probes today announced
new probes into Martha Stewart’s nuclear capabilities, Saddam
Hussein’s secret diary and Dick Cheney’s trousers, while the
Justice Department launched a fresh probe of Microsoft CEO
Bill Gates’ large intestine.
Body-cavity probes at U.S. airports are at an all-time high
according to a New York Times probe. And the Wall Street Journal
is probing reports of proctologists who bill patients for
unnecessary probing.
Meanwhile, a National Enquirer probe led to shocking reports
on Bill Clinton’s aborigine love child, President Bush’s $177-million-a-day
war habit and Britney Spears’ steamy sex romp with Jerry Springer
and Cardinal Law.
The Securities Exchange Commission is probing allegations
of financial irregularities in Dolly Parton’s warchest. And
subpoenas have been issued for a federal probe into whether
the FBI has been probing the CIA or vice versa.
Experts in the fast-growing probe industry predict future
investigations into Pokemon card insider trading, political
liposuction and pro bono probes into pro baseball’s steroid
woes and Jose Canseco’s jockstrap.
Because probes are believed to have a positive economic impact,
Treasury Department officials have launched a probe into the
possible benefits of converting to a probe-based economy.