Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio
By
John Breneman
Terror analysts say the message on the new Osama bin Laden
videotape can be summarized as follows: "Nah-nah, nah-nah-nah.
You caa-aan’t catch me."
His latest broadcast has renewed speculation that the 7-foot-tall
terror beanpole will soon follow Howard Stern in making the
jump to satellite radio.
"Not much to report. Still leading the jihad against
the infidels. Yada, yada, yada," said the self-proclaimed
King of All Mujahadeens, who has faced growing criticism from
supporters for his failure to destroy the Western world. "Oh,
and the kidney’s been acting up again."
The tape raises new questions about the whereabouts of bin
Laden, who sources say was spied last week spied canoodling
with several dozen virgins at a swanky Baghdad nightspot.
The only fresh clue to his location came when bin Laden’s
cell phone went off during the tape. "No, I said Cave
16B, not 16C!!" bin Laden fumed at the caller, believed
to be a pizza delivery man. "And there better be extra
cheese on that bad boy or I’ll hack your hands off with a
machete."
When the tape is played backwards, the international hate
mogul can be heard plugging his new video game for Xbox, "Osama
bin Laden’s Reign of Terror: 2006."
Bin Laden closed by thanking President Bush, saying he wouldn’t
be alive today if Bush hadn’t "taken the heat off"
by going after Saddam Hussein instead. He warned that more
attacks will be coming, just as soon as he can train the next
batch of idiots willing to blow themselves up in the name
of hate.
President Bush first responded by daring bin Laden to "take
your best shot," but was quickly reminded that he was
supposed lay off the tough-guy ("Dead or alive,"
"Bring ’em on") rhetoric.
A White House spokesman assured the public that capturing
bin Laden remains one of the president’s highest priorities,
right behind enacting permanent tax cuts for the rich and
shredding his Jack Abramoff papers.
Related stories:
Voice
on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
— Nov. 19, 2002