Owens
mulls rehab
for publicity addiction

By John Breneman

Experts say Terrell
Owens‘ recent non-suicide attempt may have been a
cry for help from a man whose brain is afflicted with a malignant,
metastasizing ego.

The Dallas Cowboys superstar is so addicted to the limelight,
said one psychologist, that if the chronic swelling of his
head is left untreated, he risks overdosing on his own toxic
narcissism.

So will T.O. seek treatment?

"Nah," said a source close to one of Owens’ nine
full-time publicists. "That’s just a rumor he started
to keep the spotlight on. Know what I’m sayin’? T.O. is takin’
‘Me’ to the next level."

Owens,
who recently underwent surgery for a broken bone in his right
hand, played well in Sunday’s 45-14 victory over Tennessee.

A source close to his third-string mirror polisher said Owens
had planned a new touchdown dance in which he "accidentally"
flashes his left
breast. However, Owens failed to score, leading pundits
to predict a high-profile publicity stunt with the next 24
hours.

With the Terrell Alert Level on "High," there is
widespread speculation that Owens may try to get some TV time
by smuggling a weapon onto an airplane or snapping at Fox
News reporter Chris Wallace. A source close to Owens’ teeth-whitening
specialist said T.O. is set to announce that he is the true
father of Anna
Nicole Smith‘s baby.

Editor’s note: Other sources consulted for this
report include the ghost writer of Owens’ fourth autobiography,
the guy who rubs baby oil on T.O.’s abs and the therapist
who tries to keep Dallas coach Bill Parcells’ head from exploding.