Brangelina to accelerate adoption binge

By
Chris Elliott and John Breneman

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to adopt a child from each
of the nations of the Pacific Rim, according to the underground
newspaper Brangelina Today.

The Pitt-Jolie child-raising dynamo intends to go alphabetically
starting with Brunei, Cambodia, Chile and Colombia and ending
some time in 2012 with Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam — averaging
seven per year as they expand their brood from six children
to a whopping 32.

"I sure hope Brad doesn’t end up banging the Vietnamese
child like Woody Allen did," said Jolie. "Maybe
we’ll adopt a boy from Hanoi."

While technically part of the Pacific Rim, the two intend
not to adopt from Australia, Russia, Canada or the United
States because those don’t sound like poor countries. Pitt
was recently overheard discussing the duo’s parenthood plan
with pal George Clooney on the set of "Ocean’s Whatever."

"What kid wouldn’t be psyched about getting yanked out
of a festering pisshole like North Korea and being raised
in luxury by movie-star parents," he said. "And
by parents, of course, I mean a team of nannies."

Brangelina’s own biological children will not receive special
treatment. "Each will receive the Lamborghini of their
choice on their 16th birthday and have a teaching hospital
bearing their name in their country of origin," said
a source close to Jolie’s lip stylist.

Mom to Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne (biological) Maddox, Pax
and Zahara (adopted), the gorgeous Golden Global U.N. Goodwill
ambassador is eager to expand her mini melting pot.

And the Rumor Gazette has obtained a list of possible names
for upcoming adoptees, including: Oskar, Tats, Floyd, Lara
Croft, Mombassa, Thelma, Wheezy, Rusty and Smitty.

Also,
Pitt and Jolie may or may not be in negotiations to film a
reality TV show called "The Brangy Bunch."

Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment.

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Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse

Sarah
Palin goes donkey hunting at GOP convention

Two puppets — Fox News Fox and GOP Elephant — give you
the scoop on how Sarah Palin once slaughtered a herd of caribou
with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white
teeth.

WATCH:
Fox News puppet pundits

Sarah
Palin: How many igloos does she own?

Sen. John McCain has selected Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as
his vice presidential running mate. Other than the fact that
few have ever heard of her, the biggest question: How many
igloos does she own?

Despite being a virtual unknown, Palin’s chief qualification
is her status as what is known in GOP political circles as
"a woman."

Eleventh-hour negotiations with former Massachusetts Gov.
Mitt Romney broke down at the last minute despite Romney’s
offer to get a sex change if that would help the GOP cause.

Negative
ad: Obama, McCain and Hussein

Negative attacks rock Election 2008, as both Barack Obama
and John McCain are linked to Saddam Hussein and the 9/11
terrorist attacks. WATCH

Olympic
humor video

Join MSG-NBC analysts Bob Gold and Rings Gardner for exclusive
humor from the Beijing Olympics. Get the scoop on fake gold
medals with lead paint and the key to the mens 100m doggy-style.
WATCH

Also, the all-you-can-eat buffets the Chinese have prepared
for the athletes are heaped with the best food in Olympic
history. However, two hours after they eat, the athletes feel
like competing again. WATCH

China takes gold in Olympic propaganda

By
John Breneman

Why shanghai a 7-year-old Olympic hopeful’s chance to sing
in Beijing? For Chinese officials, yanking the real crooner
for a lip-synching cutie — like filling the sky with made-for-TV
fireworks — was all about hosting the best Summer Games ever,
by any means necessary.

"What’s the big deal, silly vanilli?" asked Tony
Chin, a dashing ex-karaoke champion identified as the "organizer"
of the 2008 Summer Games. Chin was standing in for the actual
Olympic organizer, whose imperfect teeth and oversized facial
pores disqualify him from playing a more public role.

Asked about reports that the host country was combating lower-than-expected
attendance by filling half-empty stadiums with legions of
fake fans, Chin responded by saying, "The Olympics are
just super."

The controversy has caused critics to wonder aloud if China’s
lip-synching mentality has crept into the competitive arena.
("Accepting the gold medal on behalf of the homely, goggle-eyed
swimming champion is this far more aesthetically pleasing
specimen of Chinese cultural and genetic superiority,"
joked one ZNBC commentator.)

The government’s desire to stage manage every aspect the
Olympics is also causing security concerns. This, according
to disgruntled police officers who say they’ve been forced
to pull desk duty while their glamorous and lucrative Olympic
overtime shifts are covered by more attractive but less experienced
trainees.

At least the thick smog that threatened to cast a toxic pall
over Beijing has been brought under control, according to
Bubbles Wang, the perky "minister of air pollution,"
lip-synching at a press conference for the wheezing, soot-covered
actual minister of air pollution.

The Beijing air is also rife with rumors that the 2008 Olympic
medals are not actually gold, silver and bronze, but a cheap
alloy coated with lead paint.

Summing up the controversy, Tony Chin reiterated that the
China that is hosting the 2008 Summer Olympics is not the
scary, authoritarian, polluted-wracked, human rights-repressing
China, but instead the fancy, shiny China that is only brought
out to impress guests on special occasions.

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— Feb. 24, 2006

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— July 4, 2004

FCC
fines NBC for Olympic coverage
— Aug. 19, 2004

Edwards
flip-flops on infidelity issue

By
John Breneman

Swanky ex-presidential candidate John Edwards is drawing
fire from critics accusing him of flip-flopping on the issue
of whether or not he had an extramarital affair.

"First he swears he didn’t have an affair. Then he claims
he did," said Sen. David Vitter (R-La.). "What the
heck are we supposed to believe?"

Edwards now admits to getting buck wild with Rielle Hunter,
a woman he hired to "make videos" for his presidential
campaign.

Hunter is now sporting a love child, but Edwards says he
is willing to take a paternity test to clear his sperm of
any wrongdoing.

Despite the controversy, Edwards said he still believes his
own rhetoric about two Americas. "Yeah, there’s America
the country and there’s America Ferrera, that ‘Ugly Betty’
actress I totally did not tag even though my wife’s cancer
was in remission."

He also admitted to sometimes feeling "egotistical and
narcissistic" when gazing at himself in the mirror after
one of those sweet $800 haircuts.

Edwards’ confessions, following a wee-hours hotel rendezvous
with the National Enquirer-arazzi, gives added credence to
that publication’s reports that John McCain had an affair
with Paris Hilton space aliens are secretly ruining the economy.

In other news:

Bush sends troops to Georgia, vows
Russia will never take Atlanta

Cereal
thrillers: Celtics go for endorsement green

By John Breneman

Bust out the milk! Celtics superstar Kevin Garnett is the
new poster boy for Wheaties — breakfast of NBA champions!

Friendly millionaires like KG know that winning a world title
can do wonders for their earning potential. But what about
some endorsement greenbacks for the rest of the Glorious Green
Team?

The Celtics are all about the shamrocks and leprechauns.
So don’t be surprised to see Paul Pierce’s smiling
mug turn up on boxes of Lucky Charms after his “magically
delicious” MVP performance against the Lakers. Terms
of the deal were not disclosed, but imaginary sources say
Pierce will earn at least several pots o’ gold.

Doc Rivers is not a real doctor. But after taking a flaccid
Celtics squad and restoring its confidence and manhood (makers
of male-enhancement pharmaceuticals take note) he would be
an ideal spokes-Doc for Viagra.

What
can Celtics reserve P.J. Brown do for you? Hub fans know this
guy can really deliver; if they’re smart, so do the advertising
honchos at UPS.

Ray Allen — after getting poked in the left cornea during
Game 6 — reportedly is eyeing a deal with Visine. The Green
three-point monster will tell consumers that Visine really
“gets the red out,” any time you get raked in the
face by a 6-foot-10, 230-pound assailant.

It’s location, location, location for new Century 21
real estate pitchman Eddie House. And Glen “Big Baby” Davis may soon be elbowing
the iconic Gerber bambino from his job as spokes-infant for
strained peas and applesauce.

No such luck for the Lakers. But following his humorous Game
4 recap (“We just wet the bed”), Kobe Bryant may
soon be doing commercials for a new line of jock-strap diapers
from the makers of Depends.

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(Sox celebrate 2004 championship on Opening Day ’05)

World premiere: "The Stag Hunt"

(Note: Think deep-voiced movie announcer)

From the DaVinci-esque creator of the "Norman Rockwell
Code" and the visionary videographer who my wife duped
into shooting videos for her super-fabulous fashion blog (Runway
Ready) — a dramatic, enigmatic new blockbuster …
"The Stag Hunt"!

That’s right film fans, our friend Jeff
Spires (Dover, N.H-based cinematographer extraordinaire)
has hooked up with writer/director Alfred Thomas Catalfo and
an all-star filmmaking team in this 21-minute, "Hitchcockian
thriller."

And the world
premiere is tomorrow night at the Boston International Film
Festival! The screening — Wednesday, June 11, 6 p.m. at the
Loews/AMC Theater at Boston Common, 175 Tremont St. — will
be followed by a Q&A.

Check
out the trailer. It looks hip and edgy, cool and
cerebral, with pistols blazing and talk of "probability
theory" and "quantum mechanics."

And if the voice that opens the trailer sounds familiar,
that’s because it’s Steve Zirnkilton, the actual guy who does
the opening voice-over on (chung-chung) "Law & Order"!!

Produced by Marc A. Dole and presented by Left Bank Films,
"The Stag Hunt" also has been selected for the Long
Island International Film Expo (screening July 14 in Bellmore,
Long Island).

It was filmed locally, including a tense, action-packed airport
sequence at Pease Tradeport. Here’s a piece spotlighting Writer-director
Catalfo and the film in Portsmouth Magazine.
http://www.thestaghunt.com/portsmouthmag.cfm

Catalfo also collaborated with producer Dole, founder and
CEO of Portsmouth-based Hatchling
Studios, on a smash, 35-minute "DaVinci
Code" spoof called "The Norman Rockwell
Code." Roll
the trailer.

Based on the trailer alone — slick, well-produced, with
crisp dialogue — my wife is nominating "The Stag Hunt"
for a 2008 Debbie Award. Congratulations to Jeff (director
of photography) and his colleagues on what looks like a fantastic
film!

NH
bum Gangrene Willie begging for change in ’08

Undecided New Hampshire hobo Gangrene Willie describes his
desperate need for change in this exclusive
13 O’Clock News video.

Related story:
Poll shows 100% of bums want change