Billy Buck Teefus on O.J. Simpson

Mr. Billy Buck Teefus — American redneck savant — tells of a frightening encounter with O.J. Simpson. Says Teefus: “Man, just think of what that double-murderin’ sumbitch coulda accomplished if his life of crime hadn’t been interrupted by a Hall of Fame football career.”

CLICK HERE to see the video.

Bin Laden linked to Satan’s pig-monkey

After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like ‘Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction’ would be a victory
for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times,
the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like ‘Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.’ Below are
some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it
Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal ’05 — Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001

Rich pooch makes Vick ‘my (bleep)’

By
John Breneman

Trouble, the ill-tempered Maltese that inherited $12 million
from hotel mogul Leona Helmsley, reportedly was spotted in
an upscale Manhattan pet store yesterday purchasing 100,000
Michael
Vick chew toys.

A spokesman for America’s
wealthiest dog said the toys will be distributed to
abused and underprivileged canines at the nation’s animal-cruelty
centers. "Payback," he said, "is a nasty little
bitch."

One lucky pooch will also win a day of pampering with Trouble,
including Shiatsu tummy massage and chi-chi avocado genital
masque.

In a related development — now that the Helmsley case affirms
the rights of dogs to have their own bank accounts — Michael
Vick is being sued by three dozen West Virginia mutts claiming
to be offspring of fighting canines killed by Vick and his
henchmen.

The
heirs of Slasher, Ripper, Shredder, Fangs, Prancer and Lassie24
are seeking punitive damages in a $12 million civil suit filed
against real Michael Vick and video-game Michael
Vick.

Related stories:
Dog
Fighting League faces uncertain future — Aug.
1, 2007

Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton — Sept. 6, 2006

THIS
DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — Sept. 2

By
John Breneman

Birthday fugitive Whitey
Bulger marks his 78th tomorrow by continuing his 13-year
game of hide ‘n’ seek with the FBI. There’ll be cake (vanilla
with vanilla frosting) and, if you wanna make a fast million,
just find out the undisclosed location of the Pale One’s birthday
bash and drop a dime to the feds.

The scavenger hunt for the notorious Hub gangster — who
disappeared in 1994, wanted for at least 18 murders — has
included Bulger "sightings" all over the world.
In fact, the No. 4 thug on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list
was last seen on the big screen, where he was played by Jack
Nicholson in "The Departed."

So, where’s
Whitey? Rumor is he’s holed up in Hollywood, pitching
scripts to Hub homeys Ben Affleck ("Gone Whitey
Gone") and Matt Damon ("The Bulger Ultimatum").

Actor Keanu Reeves turns 43 today. Having starred
in flicks called "My Own Private Idaho" and "Feeling
Minnesota," he’s now being eyed to play Sen. Larry
Craig, the disgraced Idaho pol fingered for perversion
in a Minnesota men’s room.

And happy 41st to Salma Hayek. After her success as
executive producer of Emmy-winning "Ugly Betty,"
her next project is a sitcom based on a bisexual, Communist
Mexican painter with a unibrow, "Ugly Frida."

On this day in 1901 at the Minnesota State Fair, Vice President
Theodore Roosevelt uttered his famous phrase, "Speak
softly and carry a big rocket-propelled grenade launcher."

Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh died at age 79 on
this day in 1969, leaving his heirs a napalm war with the
world’s leading superpower and a stake in his beloved basketball
team, the Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers.

The U.S. Department of the Treasury was founded on
this day in 1789, with strict instructions to try to keep
the federal deficit under $9 trillion.

On this day in 1969, Rockville Center, N.Y., became the site
of America’s first automatic teller machine, a bulky
contraption that dispensed a free toaster to the first 100
customers.

Sixty-three years ago today, Navy pilot George H.W. Bush
was bailed out of his burning plane after being hit while
bombing Japanese targets. Nearly 30 years later, his son George
W. was hiding from Vietnam in the Texas Air National Guard
when he, too, got bombed and bailed out.

And
on this day in 1945, Japan surrendered aboard the battleship
USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay in exchange for a moratorium on
U.S. mushroom clouds and a jobs program for displaced kamikaze
pilots.

Related story:
President
nominated for Purple Chin award — May 30, 2004

THIS DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — Aug. 26

By
John Breneman

When Iraq War enthusiasts argue that "everybody"
thought Saddam Hussein had WMDs, here’s why.
Speaking to the Veterans of Foreign Wars on this day in 2002,
Vice President Dick Cheney told the world — quote — "there
is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction."

Cheney, who obtained five military deferments to weasel
out of serving in Vietnam, fired off the word "weapon(s)"
31 times and "terror(ist)" 20 times in his bid to
weasel America into Iraq.

White House untruths were handled differently back in Ben
Bradlee‘s heyday. The Boston-born Washington Post journalist
fought to expose government deception in Vietnam by publishing
the "Pentagon Papers" in 1971, then helped expose
a corrupt president in the Watergate scandal. He turns 86
today.

On this day in 1498, Michelangelo was commissioned
to carve the Pietà, under a contract guaranteeing
the legendary master a seven-figure advance, an executive
producer credit and 5% of future museum gift-shop sales.

With the big Lions-Gladiators playoff showdown coming up
and no Guinness on hand, Julius Caesar invaded Britain
on this day in 55 B.C.

On this day in 1883, the eruption of Mount Krakatoa
in Indonesia killed thousands while spewing almost as much
toxic junk into the atmosphere as your average presidential
debate.

Charles "Lucky Lindy" Lindbergh‘s luck ran
out on this day in 1974 when the aviation hero went down with
lymphoma at age 72.

The 19th amendment was certified on this day in 1920,
giving women the right to vote and raising the electoral question:
What does a modern woman wear to the voting booth.

The first baseball game was televised on this day
in 1939 (Reds vs. Dodgers at Brooklyn’s Ebbets Field), frightening
many viewers with the ominous warning that "any rebroadcast,
reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of
this game without the express written consent of Major League
Baseball is strictly prohibited."

Today’s births

Green-blooded Boston Celtics broadcaster and Hall of Fame
player Tommy Heinsohn turns 71 today. But the team’s
failure to win a title since 1987 has not shaken his belief
in leprechauns.

Ex-child star Macaulay Culkin plans to celebrate his
27th today by playing pin the tail on one of Michael Jackson’s
donkeys.

Today is the 55th birthday of famed New York Times crossword
editor Will ______ (six letters, starts with S).

Tom
Ridge, 62, as first head of Homeland Security he regularly
exposed the nation to an "elevated risk" of politically
motivated propaganda, pioneering the practice of using trumped-up
terror press conferences to distract attention from White
House screw-ups.

John Breneman’s "This Day in (Revisionist) History"
appears in the Boston Sunday Herald.

Related story: Tom
Ridge’s
Homeland Security horoscope

THIS DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — Aug. 19

Massachusetts struck a blow for the Colonies’ "War
on Witchcraft” on this day in 1692, executing five people
found guilty of dabbling in the dark arts.

Evidence
included eye of newt, a broom and the testimony of
several mischievous young girls. Capital-punishment fans hailed
the hangings and scoffed at concerns that an innocent person
might be put to death for sorcery.

However, a recent review of the case using a modern investigative
technique called "common sense" revealed the so-called
"Salem 5" probably were not guilty of witchcraft.

On this day in 1812, the U.S.S. Constitution roughed
up the British frigate Guerriere off Nova Scotia, earning
the nickname "Old Ironsides." It is now a
popular tourist vessel docked at the Charlestown Navy Yard,
where these days it receives better care than the piece of
paper it was named after.

Afghanistan gained its independence from Great Britian
on this day in 1919, soon realizing its destiny as a poverty-wracked,
opium-producing haven for terrorists.

On this day in 1929, the radio comedy "Amos and Andy"
made its national debut, entertaining millions with racially
offensive stereotypes.

The first Soap Box Derby was held in Ohio on this
day in 1934. The Budweiser car emerged victorious,
hitting the finish line seconds before tiny vehicles plastered
with Viagra and Marlboro logos.

Finally, child monarch Mary Queen of Scots, 18, returned
from a rehab stint in France on this day in 1561. Her
publicist said the 16th century hellcat crashed her
Cabriolet while trying to elude the paparazzi.

On today’s birthday blotter:

Bill
Clinton turns 61. Sources close to the former president’s
belly say he plans to celebrate with a big cake and some ice
cream and Twinkies and potato chips and Quarter-Pounders and
doughnuts and Kentucky Fried Chicken and …

Advisers are urging actor Fred Thompson (star of "Law
& Order: Political Opportunists Unit") to mark his
65th birthday with a vigorous game of pin the tail on the
Romney.

Birthday gal Tipper Gore, 59, has invited friends
over to burn some Marilyn Manson CDs and play the environmentally
correct parlor game, Inconvenient Truth or Dare.

Gone but not forgotten:

Born tiny on this day in 1931, legendary jockey Willie
Shoemaker died in 2003 but revealed in his memoir that
he was always happiest with a half-ton beast between his legs.

Finally, a V-fingered Vulcan salute to "Star Trek"
creator Gene Roddenberry (1921-1991), who in 1997 joined
fellow dead space cadet Timothy Leary on a funeral rocket
to "boldly go where no tube of cremated ashes has gone
before."

John Breneman’s "This Day in (Revisionist) History"
appears in the Boston Sunday Herald.

Dog Fighting League faces uncertain future

Even the most savage combatants in the Dog Fighting League face the constant risk of injury.

By John Breneman

The Pittsburgh Pit Bulls mauled the Philadelphia Beagles
14-3 last night in a vicious DFL showdown that has drawn the
attention of animal-rights watchdogs, FBI bloodhounds and
rabid fans.

In other Dog Fighting League action: The Cleveland Curs dominated
the Baltimore Bitches, the Oakland Rottweilers abused the
underdog New Orleans Saint Bernards and the heavily favored
Chicago Bullmastiffs were savaged by the Kansas City Chihuahuas.

The indictment of the league’s poster boy, NFL superstar
Michael Vick, has shined a harsh spotlight on the underground
world of extreme canine brutality. But DFL analysts suggest
investigators instead probe an organization that grooms chemically
enhanced human beings to engage in violent combat for entertainment
purposes — the National Football League.

In tonight’s DFL matchups: The Miami Mongrels attack the
Jacksonville Jugulars, the Green Bay Puggers take on the Fighting
Irish Setters of Notre Dame and the Miami Mongrels are crated
up and shipped to Motown where they hope to disembowel the
Detroit Dachshunds, despite a hamstring injury to league MVP
(Most Valuable Pooch) Killer #247.

At stake is the saliva-covered league championship trophy
and a lavish prize package that includes a 10-pound sack of
Alpo and one full week without being beaten, shot or electrocuted.

Related story:
Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton — Sept. 6, 2006

Corgis
dream of Iditarod glory — Aug. 15, 2004

No place like Homer

Massachusetts scribe Mike Scully

tells of work on ‘Simpsons Movie’

By John Breneman

What’s a mild-mannered jokester from Springfield doing
in a place like . . . Springfield?

Living the dream, you might say. And in Mike Scully’s
dream, all the people are bright yellow. They screw up every
week, but their dysfunctional family is true blue. And now
they’re headed for the silver screen.

Anticipating the Friday release of “The Simpsons Movie,”
Scully — a producer and writer on the series and blockbuster
film — took a few moments to discuss his improbable journey
from West Springfield, Mass., to the animated Springfield
(location: undisclosed) inhabited by Homer, Bart and the rest
of the metropolis’ four-fingered citizenry.

Scully is a 50-year-old family man whose adopted clan debuted
as a strange cartoon in 1987 and evolved into an American
cultural phenomenon (in 1999, Time magazine named “The
Simpsons” the 20th century’s best TV show).

But growing up in West Springfield, Scully said, “I had
hoped to be a musician or a hockey player.” The music
thing didn’t work out. But hey, sitting on a couch going
over a script with Mick Jagger ain’t a bad consolation
prize.

“I definitely wanted to break into comedy,” said
Scully, but “I really had no reason to believe I could
succeed at this.” Nevertheless, he packed his bags for
the proverbial trip to L.A., knowing he could always “go
back to Springfield and get a job as a janitor or a driving
instructor,” the last two positions he held before moving
to California.

Humor writer helped Stones paint it yellow Longtime “Simpsons” writer and producer Mike Scully says he’ll never forget “the days Mick Jagger and Keith Richard came in.” The Stones rolled in to voice a 2002 episode (“How I Spent My Strummer Vacation,” written by Scully), in which the family takes Homer to a rock ’n’ roll fantasy camp. "Mick’s manager came in and said ‘Mick would like to see you in the green room.’ He patted the couch for me to sit down next to him. He had the script in his hand. … We went through the script page by page,” said Scully. “On the outside, I was trying to project the image of a television professional, but on the inside I was screaming like a 12-year-old girl: ‘Oh my God, it’s Mick Jagger!’” Also among the countless musical acts who have “appeared” on “The Simpsons,” Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Kid Rock, Willie Nelson, Elton John, 50 Cent, Aerosmith, The Who and U2.

Scully got his start penning punch lines for Ukrainian yukster
Yakov Smirnoff and honed his craft at comedy amateur nights
(“stand-up comedy with the emphasis on amateur”),
which he now describes as “a crash course on how to write
jokes.”

The aspiring humorist bought some old TV scripts (“Taxi”
among them) to teach himself the half-hour comedy format and
began “bouncing around Hollywood working on some of the
lousiest sitcoms in history.”

His break came when then-executive producer David Mirkin read
some sample scripts and hired him to work on “The Simpsons,”
long known for hiring Harvard talent. “I started as a
writer on the show in 1993,” said Scully, who attended
Holyoke Community College for one day.

In retrospect, he said, “I think if I had actually succeeded
at college and gotten a degree in accounting or something,
I might have given up too quickly on writing. Having no marketable
job skills was a tremendous incentive to keep trying to succeed
as a writer.”

Scully considers himself “incredibly lucky” to have
hooked up with “The Simpsons,” now the longest-running
sitcom in American history (surpassing “The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet”).

The show has won 23 Emmy Awards and a Peabody. Time named
Bart Simpson one of the 20th century’s 100 most influential
“people” and Homer’s signature catchphrase
— “D’oh!” — is now listed in the Oxford English
Dictionary.

As for the movie, Scully said it was fun doing “certain
scenes that would have a visual scope and scale that just
wasn’t possible on the series.”

Eighteen years in the making, “The Simpsons Movie”
is receiving intense promotion. Homer appeared at the baseball
All-Star Game and on “The Tonight Show.” Select
7-Elevens were converted into Kwik-E-Marts. Burger King is
on board, sponsoring simpsonizeme.com (upload a photo to see
a Simpsonized version of yourself or a friend). And the nation’s
leading Springfields squared off in a contest to host the
premiere (Vermont won despite a Bay State Springfield pitch
featuring an appeal by Sen. Ted Kennedy, the inspiration for
Springfield Mayor "Diamond Joe" Quimby).

“Simpsons” creator Matt Groening appeared on “The
Daily Show With Jon Stewart” on Wednesday and shared
this nugget about the creative process, “Homer falls
in love with a pig and the rest just wrote itself.”

Scully says he’s had to remain pretty tight-lipped about
the plot, even though one of his gags involving Bart and some
full-frontal cartoon nudity has appeared on one of the trailers.

“My
own family didn’t even know what the script was,”
he said.

Scully’s wife, Julie Thacker, is also a comedy writer;
together they co-created “The Pitts” for Fox and
“Complete Savages” for ABC. They have five daughters
ages 17-24. His brother, Brian Scully, is a writer on “Family
Guy.”

One secret to “The Simpsons’ ” success is itsemphasis
on family and community values.

At the beginning of each episode, the Simpson family gathers
(to put it mildly) at the couch, in effect inviting all of
us to join them in front of the TV. Their hometown of Springfield,
said Scully, “is supposed to represent Anytown, USA.”

So for Scully, “It’s a huge kick when somebody tells
me it’s one of the few things the family does together
as a family is watch ‘The Simpsons.’ ”

A “Simpsons” musical CD (“Testify”) is
set to drop in September, timed to coincide with the start
of season 19. Having now surpassed 400 episodes, Scully said
of the show, “I think it has become an institution in
this country.”

The Oscar buzz hasn’t started yet but “I know the
expectations are really high and we certainly hope we don’t
disappoint anybody,” said Scully, joking that he’s
been on a “one-man mission to lower expectations.”

So what happens? Scully’s not saying, but (spoiler alert)
“I can tell you that Homer does something stupid.”

John
Breneman is an editor and writer at the Boston Herald.
The above story appeared in the Herald on July 22, 2007.

Operation
Polyps: Bush
doctors secure ‘Brown Zone’

By Ernie Pyles

WASHINGTON — Army phycisians revealed yesterday that they
extracted a large insect known as the Saddamus Husseinious
from the rectum of President George W. Bush during his weekend
surgery and expressed wonder that the commnader in chief had
apparently been living with such a giant Iraqi bug up his
ass for more than a decade.

"If we’d only known he had the Saddam bug up his ass
seven years ago, we’d have extracted it then and maybe spared
our nation a giant wretched smelly mess," said Army surgeon
Lt. Col. Wink Martindale. "As it was, it was pretty deeply
embedded in the colonic wall and we had to use an improvised
explosive scalpel to get it out."

The White House issued a statement declaring that Bush was
"whiny and uncomfortable" and that the president
hoped "the brief but intense surge he is currently experiencing
would allow for a smooth transition to a more cohesive and
stable movement in the direction of regularity … in Iraq,
I mean, of course."

The
Saddamus bug is described as a cross between a giant tick
and a giant sand weevil. Doctors said they were forced to
decapitate the painful insect with a makeshift surgical noose
and extract its body followed by its head.

Related stories:
Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon — Feb. 14,
2006

French
doctors perform first ass transplant — Dec. 5,
2005

Sharpton
slaps Santa for saying ‘ho’

By
Chris Elliott

The
Rev. Al Sharpton has set his sights on the North Pole
over what he calls "Santa’s casual and constant use of
the word ‘ho’."

"Calling
any woman a ‘ho’ is demeaning and abusive and it should not
be tolerated on any level. With Santa it’s always, ho this,
and ho that, and then pretty soon it’s ho ho ho with that
fat old cracker," said Sharpton. "People cut him
slack because of his philanthropy, but I am tired of watching
him denigrate our beautiful black sisters. I didn’t let Imus
get away with it and, as popular as he is, Santa won’t get
away with it either. Racism in America is perpetuated by ignorance
and hate, and I plan to micromanage the language people are
permitted to use by claiming that the word ‘ho’ is a setback
to civil rights and the advancement of equality."

Santa issued the following terse statement via reindeer express:
"Tell Sharpton I’m making him a Tawana Brawley doll.
It tells lies until you slap it around a little bit, ho ho
ho!"

Related story:
Bush
eyes Santa for Cabinet post — Dec. 19, 2006