THIS DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — July 1

On
this day in 1862, Russia founded its national library,
with fines for overdue books starting at 10 years had labor
down in the gulag.

On this day in 1874, America’s first zoo opened in
Philadelphia, featuring daily battles bewteen the donkeys
and the elephants.

On this day in 1881, the first international telephone
call took place between New Brunswick, Canada, and Calais,
Maine. Several months later, a pizza arrived.

On this day in 1979, Sony introduced its new technologival
marvel, the Walkman, a gadget capable of playing music
on something called a "cassette tape."

On this day in 1987, excavation began on the Channel Tunnel,
but work was suspended when Col. Klink and Sgt. Schultz found
out about the scheme.

On this day in 1991, Court TV made its debut. It has
since lost its appeal.

BIRTHS

William Strunk Jr. (1869-1946): co-author of "The
Elements of Style," a classic book that teaches Americans
how to write good.

Estée Lauder (1906-2004): cosmetics entrepreneur
who made a fortune tricking women into buying expensive salves
and potions.

Olivia de Havilland, 91: actress, won Oscar for "Gone
With the Wind," then starred in the classic driver’s-ed
safety vidio "Gone With the Windshield."

Jamie Farr, 73: actor best known as Cpl. Max Klinger
on "M*A*S*H," also turned up in "Star Trek
14" as the wacky, cross-dressing Cpl. Max Klingon.

Fred Schneider, 66: singer with the B-52’s, later
performed with the F-16s and the M-2 Bradley Armored Infantry
Vehicles.

Dan Aykroyd, 55: inventor of the Bass-O-Matic, first
Conehead to star in a major motion picture.

Princess Diana (1961-1997): beloved yet doomed fairy-tale
princess who thought she was marrying a dashing British prince
but ended up with a boring, old toad.

Pamela Anderson, 40: actress, former star of "Baywatch"
and "home Improvement" is set to star in a cosmetic-surgery
reality show called "Ho Improvement."

Tie
goes to the father

What’s that, chum? Father’s Day kind of snuck up on you again.
Well, no need to panic. Heartfelt gifts for Dad can be found
just about anywhere — from Wal-Mart to the corner Pump ‘n’
Pay. These last-second surprises are sure to let Dad know
exactly how much you care:

Tube
socks — Dad’ll feel like a million bucks in these $1.99
beauties — each emblazoned with the three horizontal "racing
stripes" that say "he’s the man."

Tie — Wait’ll the boys at the office get a load of
Dad in this swell corporate-looking necktie – fashioned from
durable, non-flame-retardant polyester.

Coffee mug — His eyes’ll twinkle like they did on
the day you were born when he sees this one-of-a-kind "World’s
Greatest Dad" mug. Plus, if you’re a total loser, this
completes a set of six.

Skin Bracer aftershave — Who needs fancy $50 male
cologne products when every Dad knows there’s nothing more
exhilarating than a splash of Skin Bracer to start the day!?!

Pack of smokes — This one’s a no-brainer if Pop’s
a smoker. But hey, who cares what that bossy Surgeon General
says, Dad’ll love how the intoxicating blend of tar and nicotine
makes him feel manly and super cool.

Slippers — Comfort is important to hard-working dads
in their leisure time and these lightweight Taiwanese "mock-asins"
are perfect for kicking back in the La-Z-Boy. (Newspaper not
included.)

Can of mixed nuts — These generic morsels pack a
party in every can. Coupled with a Post-It note reading "I’m
nuts about Dad," this item helps you express the true
meaning of Father’s Day.

Roll of duct tape — Perfect for household projects
or Homeland Security preparedness, this space-age super-product
will help Dad feel like the ultimate handy man.

Ice scraper — Dad’s heart will melt when he sees
much thought you put into his gift. And when the snow flies
six months from now, he’ll be ready — tackling stubborn windshield
ice with taunts of "Who’s your daddy?"

Greeting card — Though it actually requires some
thought, devoted offspring often like to compose a personalized
message for Dad on his special day (example: "You’re
a champ, Pops!"), while creative types may add a "heart"
symbol to underscore their affection.

Lighter — Give Dad the ability to make fire with
just the flick of his thumb. He’ll be so grateful, he’ll bust
out the drinks and T-bones and fire up the grill — instant
barbecue!

Zombie industry booming despite Zombie
scandal

By
John Breneman

Raging, cannibalistic zombies hauled in $10 million at the
box office last weekend, causing much rejoicing throughout
the zombie community.

Zombies also made inroads in the financial community with
the news that Geico’s new multimillion-dollar ad campaign
would feature the slogan: "So easy a zombie can do it!"

However, there is also bad news for the soulless demographic.

Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation’s best-known
bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants,
is not an actual zombie, the Humor Gazette has learned.

In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie’s
real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts,
he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was
voted "Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human
Corpse."

Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers
as "Superbeast," "The Devil’s Rejects"
and "Scum of the Earth," is considered a pioneer
in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.

However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people’s necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster
wannabe.

Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released
a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when
it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several
hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that
Mr. Zombie is "a masterful self-promoter," whereas
most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.

In other zombie news:
MUSIC — Zombies reunion tour leaves thousands dead
in Cleveland
SPORTS — Hard-hitting Zombies slaughter Yankees, 18-2
POLITICS — Homeland Security raises zombie alert level
to "Blood-Curdling"
NIGHTLIFE — Local watering holes breathe new life
into "The Zombie"
WEATHER — Swarm of Category 4 zombies moving in from
the northwest

Related reading:
"Everything
You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies But Were Too Horrified
to Ask"

New movies:
"Revenge
of the Living Dead 5: Dibs on the Brain Meat"

This Day in Revisionist History — May
13

On this day in 1607, English colonists landed near
Virginia’s Jame River led by a man claiming his name was John
Smith. Yeah, sure pal.

On this day in 1846, the United States declared war on
Mexico in a dispute over whether people crossing the border
needed any "stinking badges."

On this day in 1888, Brazil abolished slavery, prompting
celebrations all along Harriet Tubman’s Amazon Railroad.

On this day in 1888, DeWolf Hopper first recited "Casey
at the Bat," prompting immediate allegations that the
slugger was made "mighty" by steroids.

On this day in 1917, three peasant children reported seeing
the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. However, she
disappeared by the time the paparazzi arrived.

On this day in 1958, Velcro registed its trademark,
prompting the "Great Shoelace Industry Panic of ’58."

Today’s Birthdays:

Pope Innocent XIII (1655-1724): former pontiff, no
relation to Pope Not Guilty and Pope Nolo Contendre.

Joe Louis (1914-1981): boxing great, knocked out Nazi
pugilist Max Schmeling in 1938, leaving Hitler with a nasty
welt.

Beatrice Arthur, 85: actress, her battles with Archie
Bunker rank among the greatest heavyweight bouts of the 1970s.

Stevie Wonder, 57: singer, his "Ebony and Ivory"
duet with Paul McCartney sparked claims of racial discrimination
from Asians, Latinos and Native Americans.

Dennis Rodman, 46: basketball player, led NBA eight
straight seasons in offensive tattoos.

Court
battle erupts over
Captain America’s remains

By John Breneman

The shocking death of Captain America at the hands of a sniper
last week has sparked a furious courtroom battle over where
the iconic superhero and World War II veteran should be buried.

Iron Man testified that Captain America once told him he
wanted to be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.
However, that is considered unlikely because he refused to
submit to a Bush administration policy requiring mandatory
federal registration of all superheroes.

Mr. America believed the policy violated his civil liberties,
putting him at the center of the debate individual rights
versus national security and causing President Bush to accuse
him of "undermining the troops" and "emboldening
the enemy." After surrendering to face charges of violating the superhero
registration law, he was gunned down while being led into
federal court.

Born Steve Rogers on July 4, 1917, and known as Cap to those
closest to him, Mr. America first achieved fame for battling
the Nazis during World War II and Commies during the 1950s.

Longtime friend the Sub-Mariner claims Caption America wanted
to be buried in a block of ice in the North Atlantic, but
fellow Avenger the Human Torch told the National Enquirer,
"Cap always said that, when the time came, he wanted
me to cremate him."

Related stories:
Bush
rushes home to attend funeral of Capt. America —
Unconfirmed Sources

Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004

Anna
Nicole baby to enter rehab

By
John Breneman

Distraught by round-the-clock TV drivel about her mother’s
decomposing body and her father’s identity, Anna Nicole Smith’s
5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, has checked into rehab for
treatment of depression, exhaustion and media exploitation.

Sources say the tiny pawn in this sordid made-for-reality-TV
commentary on American society is undernourished because the
former stripper and girlie mag starlet wanted her baby to
be "sexy."

The troubled infant’s agent claims Playboy is offering $1
million in a bidding war for exclusive nude ultrasound photos.

Rumors are rampant that the Smith-Stern-Marshall-Prince Von
Anhalt-Birkhead baby has subsisted largely on TrimSpa formula
and Gerber’s methadone puree since birth and has difficulty
breast-feeding because she rejects anything smaller than a
42DDD.

Maybe someday they’ll get around to a DNA test to determine
the baby’s daddy, but until then don’t be surprised to see
Kevin Federline, Larry the Cable Guy and Scooty Libby’s names
come up at the paternity inquisition.

Next: Geraldo demands a canine custody hearing to determine
who gets Sugar Pie, if the drug-addled toy poodle hasn’t already
OD’d.

Media analysts say it is no surprise the busty blonde train
wreck knocked the astronaut diaper scandal from the spotlight,
since she once drove 1,200 miles in Depends just to score
a bag of crystal meth.

In life, she banged her way from a humble Texas strip club
to the United
States Supreme Court. Now a kangaroo court judge has
awarded custody of her remains to Dannielynn for burial in
the Bahamas. Saddest of all, Anna Nicole Smith will never
realize her dream of dangling her daughter over a hotel balcony
in Vegas.

Related story:
Anna
Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp — March 1, 2006

Tang
to blame in astronaut love triangle

By
John Breneman

The deranged diaper-assed astronaut who drove from Texas
to Florida to confront a romantic rival may have been under
the influence of Tang.

Toxicology tests revealed that Lisa Nowak’s bloodstream contained
more than five times the recommended daily allowance of Tang,
the powdery orange beverage favored by astronauts since 1965.

The flighty spacewoman, whose car was littered with empty
baby bottles containing Tang residue, allegedly confronted
Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman armed with a knife, a BB gun,
some pepper spray, a light saber and a Star Trek phaser set
on "stun."

Unconfirmed reports suggest Nowak was also in possession
of a $14.2 billion NASA robotic arm and may have been planning
to bitch slap Shipman. Authorities said Nowak wore a diaper
so she could make Apollo 1 or 2 without having to stop her
car.

NASA spokesman George W. Jetson said America’s astronauts
are under so much stress they occasionally need to "blast
off" some steam, "but not like those postal workers."

Asked about reports of fornication and toga parties aboard
the International Space Station, Jetson said, "What happens
in a low-gravity environment stays in a low-gravity environment."

The makers of Tang refused to comment on any connection between
their product and freakish astronaut murder plots.

Related stories:
Crack
found in foam of shuttle fuel tank — July 4, 2006

Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005

Groundhog
predicts six more weeks of sectarian violence

By John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator,
spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow this morning and
forecast six more weeks of war.

The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet foresees a bloody springtime
outside the Green Zone marred by Karbala car bombings and
Baghdad body bags. He also dropped a heinous stinkbomb said
to portend rising gas prices.

A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them
on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back
into his heavily fortified underground bunker. But not before
President Bush pledged to smoke the varmint out of its Saddam
Hussein hole for "emboldening the terrorists."

The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between
elephants and donkeys in Washington.

But
with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler’s
Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media
has once again neglected equally deserving members of the
animal kingdom.

For example: We know that, in most cultures, if the livestock
act jittery it means a devastating earthquake or tornado is
coming soon, maybe a tsunami. But few humans are aware that
indigenous people in the jungles of South America look to
the agile spider monkey to help determine when the rainy season
will come.

If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its tail from a tree
limb munching a fistful of berries, the rainy season will
come at the normal time. However, if the monkey is seen chain-smoking
a pack of Marlboro 100s, it means corporate interests will
defoliate the rain forest in 17 days.

In many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark’s fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed the season
may be marred by gruesome tragedy and subpar revenues.

Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated an uncanny
knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of one’s mother-in-law,
and the cuddly koala has been known to give profitable insider
tips to stock brokers dabbling in the volatile eucalyptus
market.

In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed
that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under
an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo
meiotic division of its nuclei, there will be six more weeks
of accelerated binary fission. And, of course, many leading
zoologists favor a new American holiday recognizing the amazing
powers of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the
mud dauber wasp.

Related story:
Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell

Truthiness in the No Spin Zone

By
John Breneman

Did you see the bizarro world meeting between the nation’s
most bombastic ego and the truthy satirist who plays him on
cable TV?

Yes, it was Bill O’Reilly meets Stephen Colbert — the first-ever
No Spin Zone Twilight Zone Colbert Nation Lovefest Smackdown.
(Palooza?) These two titans of broadcasting traded appearances
on each other’s programs last night, "The O’Reilly Factor"
(top-rated cable news show, 8 p.m. on Fox) and "The Colbert
Report" (11:30 p.m. on Comedy Central).

Hosting first was O’Reilly, the blustery master of sound
and fury signifying whatever he tells his viewers/devotees
it signifies. Later, O’Reilly’s visit was trumpeted as a historic
summit by Colbert, widely acclaimed for wielding irony like
a blunt instrument in his O’Reilly-based persona.

"You’re about to watch me enter a No Spin Zone,"
Colbert said at the top of his show, having confessed earlier
to the man he calls Papa Bear that O’Reilly’s version of "no
spin" gives him "vertigo."

Colbert had also admitted that "emulating" O’Reilly
was taking a toll. "I haven’t seen my kids in 18 months
and I’m losing calcium in my bones," the actor told O’Reilly
on "The Factor."

"What keeps you going?" he asked. "Jesus Christ
or Pat Robertson’s protein shakes?" Just a little jab
at O’Reilly’s prominent stature among the religious righteous.

Back in Colbert Nation, Fauxreilly set the stage by unveiling
a mischievous "Mission Accomplished" banner to commemorate
his own ability get O’Reilly on the show (and to tweak conservatism’s
blind loyalty to the bumbling war president).

Colbert then excitedly opened the last door on "my Bill
O’Reilly advent calendar," complete with the beatific
Baby O’Reilly in the manger.

Colbert’s genius extends to gesture, as when he disarmed
O’Reilly’s "Culture War" cult of personality by
slapping a 30% off sticker over the self-important author’s
book cover mug (evoking David Letterman’s famous "About
60% of what you say is crap" in-your-facer to the TV
bully).

When Colbert popped his most loaded question — "Which
is destroying America more: activist judges, gay marriage,
illegal immigration or NBC?" — Blowreilly gobbled the
bait and blurted "NBC." (He also weaved in this
fair and balanced analysis of The New York Times: "They’re
scum.")

O’Reilly took a shot at calling Colbert out when he characterized
the two camps in his beloved, breadwinning culture war as
"secular progressives like yourself and traditionalists
like me." And he couldn’t resist trotting out his "stoned
slacker" soundbite in reference to the audience demographic
watching "The Daily Show" and presumably "Colbert."

On his home turf, O’Reilly attempted to "nail"
his mocker by accusing him of having changed the pronunciation
of his last name from Colbert with a hard T to the French-sounding
Colbert.

At one point O’Reilly awkwardly bellowed, "Are you COL-bert
or Col-BEAR?!?" Colbert, who must have been cracking
up inside, simply praised his host for the gale-force volume
of his question.

During O’Reilly’s interview we learned that Colbert’s middle
name is Tyrone. (Or did we?) Regular viewers already know
he regards bears as "giant marauding godless killing
machines."

Afterward, he brought in talking heads to ask them why people
love Colbert yet loathe O’Reilly, who is regularly named the
day’s "Worst Person on the World" on MSNBC’s "Countdown
with Keith Olbermann" and who is immortalized in such
lefty books as "Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly"
and "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and
Balanced Look at the Right" by Al Franken (O’Reilly sued
in a failed attempt to block distribution of the latter book,
which describes him as "a lying, splotchy bully").

One of the heads (Bernard Goldberg, Fox News Analyst) concluded,
"We live in a cynical age," therefore "smart-ass
wiseguys" are seen as "cutting edge." (Finally.)
The anti-O’Reilly concluded his big day by revealing that
he had stolen a large microwave oven from the Fox studio.

DISCLOSURE:
Roger Ailes, president of Fox News, includes my Web site (www.HumorGazette.com)
on his "Enemies List" (rogerailes.blogspot.com),
making me a card-carrying member of the liberal smart-ass
wiseguy media.

Critics praise President
Bush’s
‘breathing space’ for Iraq speech

By
John Breneman

President George W. Bush’s historic Jan. 10 call to send
more young Americans to their deaths in order to give the
Iraqi government some
"breathing space" was yet another spellbinding
piece of oratory.

But when future generations assess the legacy of our silver-tongued
leader, they will look first to several more memorable addresses.

For example, who could forget President Bush’s rollicking
January
2006 attempt to use standup
to make the terrorists stand down, his encore three months
later as commander-in-cheek, or his March 2006 pledge that America can only
fail in Iraq if we "lose
our nerve"?

And, of course, many historians believe the Rev. Martin Luther
King’s stirring "I have a dream" rhetoric will one
day be obscured by Mr. Bush’s now-legendary "I
think about Iraq every day" speech of June
20, 2005.

Asked what he thought of Dick Cheney’s load of bull about
the insurgency being in its "last throes" when violence
there is actually increasing, the president disarmed the blatantly
anti-patriotic question by saying, "I think about Iraq
every day — every single day."

The oratorical stylings of Pres. George W. Bush — March 28, 2006

As the world heaved a great sigh of relief to learn that
the man who started the war actually finds time to mull it
over each day, Bush shoveled on even more reassurance by saying,
"I understand we have troops in harm’s way…"

Critics said then that Bush’s keen understanding of the fact
that he is getting people killed "every day" suggested
he might be adopting a more realistic view of Iraq than that
laid out in his now-historic "Mission
Accomplished" address.

The president revealed that not only does he think about
his own personal Iraqi hellhole "every single day,"
he admitted that some days he thinks of it two or three times.
Maybe even half a dozen times on Monday after the weekend
death toll numbers come in.

A White House memo obtained by IBS News confirmed that some
random thought or another about Iraq crept into the president’s
brain 57 times so far this month alone. Sources say that early
on in the war, President Bush occasionally forgot to think
about Iraq until Condoleezza Rice gave him a string to wear
on his finger.

Fortunately, President Bush also realizes that the fate of
the world rests with his ability to not accidentally destroy
it, a fact he articulated brilliantly in his memorable Oct.
3, 2004, "Bein’
president is hard work" speech.

The hard work can range from pronouncing wacky names like
"Abu
Ghraib" to deftly fielding trick questions as
he did April 14, 2004, in his inspirational "I’m
sure something will pop into my head" speech.

Many veteran Bush watchers give the president high marks
for his provocative "breathing space" address, but
most agree it will be difficult for him to surpass the startling
audacity of his March 26, 2004, comic bomb — the spine-tickling
oratory of "Those
WMDs must be around here somewhere."

Election
2004 flashback:
HUMOR GAZETTE ‘ENDORSES’ GEORGE
W. BUSH — Aug. 27, 2004