By
Dr. Newt Trishon

Today’s topic: How to shed those unwanted pounds of blubber
we all put on during the holidays.

Many noted experts say the secret is diet and exercise.

That’s right, some would have you believe you must limit
the amount of junk (the official nutritional term is "crap")
that you shove into your piehole and ALSO find it within your
lethargic soul to engage in some annoying regimen of actual
physical activity.

Well, fortunately there are plenty of crackpot alternatives.
For example, many people find they just don’t have much of
an appetite for exercise. For these torpid lard-cans, the
answer is simple: Hire an exorcist.

Hi, I’m Patti Arbuckle. I lost 452 pounds thanks to the Humor Gazette Diet, and you can too.

A competent exorcist can be found in the Yellow Pages (under
"Satanic consultants"). For a reasonable fee, the
exorcist will summon the powers of the underworld to literally
"burn those extra pounds away." And, you can eat
as much charred flesh of of cloven-hoofed animals as you desire.

There are also surgical options to consider, though it is
important to warn you that liposuction is for suckers and
gastric bypass is passé.

Instead, try this revolutionary new method described in the
January edition of the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

It’s
called a Staple-Gunectomy.

Simply press the loaded staple gun against your abdomen,
fix your face in a determined grimace, and fire away. Five
or six staples will usually do the trick.

Of course, there are many other valid approaches to "slashing
the old spare tire." The Humor
Gazette Diet is a proven favorite that has survived
the test of time and litigation.
Other new fad diets include:

South Pole Beach Diet: Simply go to the South Pole
(be sure to pack a warm parka, some mittens and a 14-inch,
whale-flaying knife). Upon arrival, set up your insulated
tent on the beach at Point Barrow and just shiver those calories
away. Every two months, hunt and kill a small baleen whale.
Enjoy.

Fear Factor Diet: Allow yourself nothing but maggots
and goat entrails for two weeks. You may eat a little the
first day, but studies show your appetite will quickly fade.

Broken Jaw Diet: Simply suffer a broken jaw and have
a qualified physician wire your mandible shut. Then utilize
an ordinary household straw to consume your meals. Repeat
as necessary.

Editor’s note: Readers are invited to share diet
tips and ideas for "dumping that extra kiloton"
in the Comments section below.

Related stories:
The
People vs. Ronald McDonald — July 30, 2002

Ronald
McDonald undergoes ‘McMakeover’ — June 10, 2005

Tang,
sweet Tang — July 27, 2005

Awesome
site plug: "Runway
Ready"

My gorgeous wife Debbie writes a smokin’ fashion blog over
at the newspaper where I used to work and she still works,
the Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald. Visit "Runway
Ready" for her fun look at fashion, downtown
Portsmouth and the whole pop-culture scene.

Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in
fiscal ’06

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues
for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report
released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives
remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.

While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest
2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.

The report also noted that Al Qaeda’s policy of indiscriminately
blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting
its public image.

A
key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming
the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife
under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in
the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers
might instead get three Baghdad opium ho’s and a bisexual
goat.

Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of
Qaeda’s anti-American video game system — Sunni PlayStation
3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked
Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"),
Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil’ Terrorists" and an
Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	‘Madman’ Hussein to plead insanity — Nov. 28, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

By
John Breneman

A report in this month’s Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals
that myrrh — once a popular Christmas and birthday gift —
can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets
to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very
few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the
substance — a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of
trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia — causes a range of malignant
conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents
began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful
anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as
a baby and we all know how things turned out for him,"
said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author
of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their
perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart
in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today’s most popular
scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago,"
said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new
fragrance by rapper 50 Cent — 50 Scent.

In
other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal meth."
The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or snorted, the
Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting a dramatic
upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense labs throughout
the rural South and Midwest.

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Kris
Kringle may be tapped to head
Department of Elf Education and Welfare or
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development

By John Breneman

Firing Donald Rumsfeld didn’t help him
at the polls, so now President Bush hopes to boost his Grinch-like
approval numbers by naming a universally beloved figure
to a key Cabinet post.

According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only
Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a
possible top job in the Bush administration.

Conservative pundits say the move could also be a decisive
blow in the War on Christmas.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for
his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has
no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered
a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability
rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a
gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political
baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus’ cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus’ innate ability to tell who’s been "naughty"
vs. who’s been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general.

And several leading economists — noting Mr. Claus’ powerful
impact on the nation’s gross national product each year at
this time — suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation’s leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
are convinced that — like those mythical weapons of mass
destruction — he doesn’t actually exist.

FBI
investigators will be checking Mr. Claus’ background and "checking
it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented
"love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.

A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip. But
President Bush said he is eager to meet over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa
Claus is coming to town."

Related stories:
Bush
wounded in War on Christmas — Dec. 9, 2005

Britney’s wardrobe dysfunction

By
John Breneman

Britney Spears is celebrating her much-anticipated
divorce/comeback by treating herself to a rejuvenating Celebrity
Slut Makeover at the fabulous Paris Hilton.

The luxury Hilton package includes low-rider
limos perfect for the naughty new mom eager to score a tabloid
splash by flashing her white-trash gash to the ever-present
crotcherazzi.

The vagina-centric vacation comes with a penthouse
suite at Hilton’s notorious Tramp Tower and unlimited womb
service. Hilton also offers complimentary pole-dancing
lessons and pointers on how to eat a hamburger while
humping a soapy car.

Spears also gets a free extra-small T-shirt
for her 12-week-old baby. "Mommy flashed her (BLEEP!)
with Paris Hilton and all I got was this lousy Gucci wifebeater."

A source close to Spears’ clitoris said the
pop tart loves Hilton’s A-list parties and B-movie camp
and that her September C-section isn’t slowing her down one
bit. ABC
News reported: "In less than a week, cameras
have captured Britney Spears’ nether regions on four separate
occasions."

One paparazzo claimed that when he blew up
a shot of Spears’ "junk" he was surprised to discover
some lint and loose coins, a crumpled-up Cheetos bag and one
of Hilton’s fishnet stockings.

Etiquette expert Emily Post, after being revived,
declined to comment but issued a statement reading, "Egad!
Well, I never."

Stay tuned for breaking news on Britney’s
ongoing attempts to portray a kinder, genitaler image. And,
now that pubic exposure is the sexy, hot new publicity strategy,
other celebs said to be considering flashing their anatomy
for the cameras include Star Jones, Martha Stewart and Hillary
Clinton.

Related story:
Scent
of a pop tart: Britney’s new perfume — Dec.
15, 2004

Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent — Sept. 23, 2005

By
John Breneman

Several people were hurt and 140 million Americans
sustained an estimated $9 billion in damage to their bank
accounts on Black Friday — the coordinated pre-dawn assault
on the nation’s retailers also known as "Operation Shop
and Awe."

The quest to obtain the most sophisticated video-game
weapons technology led to scattered violence, with unconfirmed
reports of Shiite shoppers targeting Sunni PlayStations in
strife-torn Circuit City.

Experts say the post-Thanksgiving economic offensive
marks the opening salvo in the annual campaign to spend billions
on material goods for Jesus’ birthday. Several wise men representing
the National Retail Federation predict U.S. shoppers will
fork over $457.4 billion before the Dec. 25 deadline.

This
despite simmering tensions between the (cheapo 42-inch plasma
TV) haves and have-nots, and heightened concern over how U.S.
policies affect the availability of Tickle Me Elmo T.M.X.

Related story:
Bush
eyes Santa for Cabinet post — Dec. 13, 2005

Lame duck pardons
turkey

Popeye stricken by tainted spinach

By John Breneman

President Bush today pardoned a turkey that had been indicted
by a federal grand jury for leaking a highly classified U.S.
government cranberry sauce recipe.

The president then thanked the feisty, feathered beast for
its service to the country and awarded it the Congressional
Medal of Freedom. The bird, identified only as "Tom Doe,"
was also pardoned for attempting to sexually assault the president
during the photo-op.

Democrats reflexively gathered outside the White House to
protest the pardon, the war, White House malfeasance and Bush’s
smirking face. One man waved a banner calling the president
"soft on turkeyism."

President Bush is reportedly holed up at his ranch/bunker
in Crawford, Texas, where he is said to be excited about an
opportunity to "clear some brush."

Related story:
Thanksgiving
down off’m Greenleaf Parsons Road

Thanksgiving
blessing #1 and #2

Curious
George goes to Vietnam

By
John Breneman

President Bush arrived in Vietnam today, poked his head out
the doorway of Air Force One and declared, "I love the
smell of democracy in the morning."

When an aide explained that Vietnam was overrun by communist
forces after America pulled out in 1975, Bush responded, "That’s
what I call ‘cut and run.’ " And when told the pungent
aroma was actually canine teriyaki being sold by a naked,
7-year-old street vendor, the president added, "Zoinks."

Ushered to a nearby podium, Bush greeted Vietnamese Prime
Minister Nguyen Tan Dung by asking, "Is your name really
Dung?" and then making a stinkface while pretending to
sniff the bewildered head of state.

The president said he hoped to discuss trade agreements and
then maybe "take a flame-thrower to some Viet Cong, for
old times’ sake."

Bush explained that he wanted to come to Vietnam back in
the early 1970s but his mom wouldn’t let him. Plus, he reasoned,
he would have risked accidentally earning some medals for
getting wounded in action and knew better than to give some
future political enemy that kind of ammunition to use against
him.

The president said sending young Americans to their deaths
in Iraq had given him a deeper appreciation for the wartime
risks he evaded as a younger man, when he weaseled his way
into, then out of, the Texas Air National Guard.

Asked
for his thoughts on the Vietnam War, Bush said, "Our
boys did a heckuva job over here. Sean Penn and Charlie Sheen.
Robin Williams. I was really bummed out when Lt. Dan lost
his legs." He lauded the Khmer Rouge as "a heckuva
bottle of wine."

Also on the president’s itinerary: a basketball game between
the Hanoi Red Menace and the Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers.

Related story:
Cheney
suffers Vietnam deferment flashback — Feb. 14,
2006

VH-1 shooting Charles Manson reality
show

By John Breneman

Negotiations for a new Charles Manson reality show on VH-1
have broken down over the notorious serial killer’s demand
that each episode end with the ritualistic slaying of two
baby gerbils and a music industry executive.

Footage has already been shot for several episodes of the
program — tentatively titled "Charlie Knows Best,"
"Manson Family Values" or "Death to the Television
Whore-Bastards."

In one, a heavily shackled Manson visits an old-folks home
and delights skeptical seniors by teaching a workshop on how
to carve Nazi insignias into their foreheads.

In another, furious when guards at California’s Corcoran
State Prison strip a tattered Farrah Fawcett poster from his
6-by-8-foot "crib," Manson sets fire to his mattress,
poops on the floor and spits into the camera 142 times.

Manson spews contempt for his rivals in one chilling segment,
fashioning a crude jailhouse shiv from a Mountain Dew can
while threatening to eat the intestinal "sweet bread"
of Hulk Hogan, Danny Bonaduce and Flavor Flav.

VH-1 insiders also are touting a special cameo in which Lynette
"Squeaky" Fromme is caught trying to assassinate
President Bush, ex-Beach Boy Brian Wilson and Oprah.

A source close to the guy who cleans the maggots out of Manson’s
beard claims the celebrity psychopath delighted producers
with his catchy signature slogan: "The streets will run
red with the Robitussin cough syrup of the non-believers!"