America
to Decider: You stink, pal

By
John Breneman

A disgruntled herd of donkeys stampeded across the nation
yesterday, leaving a trail of trampled elephant carcasses
and delivering a massive dookie-gram to the White House.

George W. Bush could not be reached for comment.

White House spiritual consultant Ted Haggard said he advised
the president to snort some crystal meth, get a massage from
a male prostitute and pray.

Millions of Americans — sick of hearing about "cut
and run" and "stay the course" and "a
vote for the Democrats is a vote for the terrorists"
— flipflopped the House of Representatives to start reclaiming
America from the crew that dragged us into the Iraq war on
phony "facts" and then botched it worse than a John
Kerry punchline.

However, a Republican spokesman expressed confidence that
Bush’s buddies on the Supreme Court would award the Senate
to the GOP.

And so, following the nastiest campaign season in memory
— negative ads featured fake mobsters, political porn and
footage of Hitler — America is ready to demand answers about
the tricks used to lead us into war and the billions of dollars
squandered once we got there.

The pundits predicted disgruntled voters would turn Tuesday’s
election into an anti-Bush smackdown, and they did. Mission
accomplished.

Kerry
tries stand-up, forced to stand down

By
John Breneman

That wacky
Josh Kerry (D-Massa … Hey Lady!), he’s got a million
of ’em. Yep, this war is a real knee-slapper. You probably
already heard the one about the blowhard politician who tried
to make a joke about the president being a clueless moron
and ended up distracting the voters from what a clueless moron
the president is.

One of Dick
Cheney‘s joke boys penned a good one for the boss
in response to the Kerry combat-boot-in-mouth incident, telling
the crowd at a campaign stop in Montana that Kerry actually
"was for the joke before he was against it."

Some troops "stuck
in Irak" also displayed a sense of humor. Perhaps
Sen. Kerry should have hired the Humor Gazette to knock out
a couple of Iraq gut-busters.

JOKE #1
Q: How many brave but undermanned, underequipped U.S. troops
does it take to wage an idiot president’s unnecessary war
in a country that had no weapons of mass destruction?"

A: Ask Rummy.

JOKE #2
Q: What did the president of the United States say to the
incompetent hand-picked hack who led the administration’s
botching of the Hurricane Katrina disaster?
A: "Brownie,
you’re doing a heck of a job."

JOKE #3
"Knock knock."
"Who’s there?"
"Iraq."
"Iraq who?"
"Iraq will greet us as liberators and become a shining
beacon of democracy and ululate the praises of President George
W. Bush from Basra to Fallujah."

JOKE #4
Q: How many no-bid government contractors does it take to
screw in a $600 Halliburton lightbulb in between power outages
in Baghdad?
A: The U.S. General Accounting Office does not know.

JOKE
#5 (With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

If terrorists threaten to kill soldiers that you put in harm’s
way, and you tell ’em to "Bring it on" … you may
be a redneck president.

If you’re trying to rally the rest of the world to fight
terrorism and you tell ’em "you’re either with us or
you’re with the terrorists" … you may be a redneck
president.

If yer idea of a perfect vacation involves clearin’
brush … you may be a redneck president.

If yer vice
president shoots a man in the face on a huntin’ trip
… you may be a redneck president.

* * *

Finally, I found the joke Kerry actually meant to deliver
at LotsOfJokes.com,
(author unkown).

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under
false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the
Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit;
he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy
and corporations over the rights and needs of the population;
he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward,
the United States around the globe; he has ignored global
warming, to the world’s detriment; he has wantonly broken
our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners;
he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States;
he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital
national importance.

Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach
him?

Related stories:
Terror
and laughter: Bush’s stand-up routine — Jan. 25,
2006

Comic
bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26,
2004

Trick-or-Treat
plot foiled

By John Breneman

A group of Washington D.C. fourth-graders has been charged
with terrorist activities for toilet-papering the White House
in a Halloween prank gone awry.

"Bring ’em on! Dead or alive!" said President Bush,
who reportedly took refuge in the powder room while the alleged
juvenile terrorists draped the West Wing with rolls of extra-plush
Charmin.

Members of the prepubescent terror cell, whose ringleader
was said to be wearing a frighteningly realistic John Kerry
mask, are also being charged with illegal use of a personal
hygiene product for smearing several White House windows with
shaving cream. Also charged with felony trick-or-treating
were: a fireman, the Geico gecko and a 4-foot-tall Osama bin
Laden.

The schoolchildren, reportedly upset that the fitness-conscious
president gave out apples and raisins instead of Snickers
and Milk Duds, were required to submit to U.N. inspections
of their candy bags.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales ordered that the mischievous
young evil-doers be blindfolded and sent to a barbed-wire
holding facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Unreliable sources said the pint-sized enemy combatants will
bob for apples while strapped to a waterboard.

Just got back from a press
junket to Fort Lauderdale.
Stay tuned for a travel
story later this week:

In related news, the Humor
Gazette’s IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of
a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:

Air travel is safe and
fun

Always check under your seat for terrorists before takeoff.

Never attempt to light a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash landing."

Just follow this simple diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of survival.

Our "Wet ‘n’ Wild" ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.

Life vests in first class are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked brie.

Children who refuse to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply on the head.

Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency door.

Passengers are encouraged to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso afloat.

And
baby makes 3 (hundred million)

By
John Breneman

A day-old Florida crackbaby has been identified as America’s
300 millionth person, according to a wild guess by
the U.S. Census Bureau.

Baby 300M (his real name is being withheld so his tiny soul
is not crushed by overexposure to the media) clocked
in at 7:46 a.m. Tuesday to win a crate of Gerber Spinach
Puree, two kilos of Johnson’s Baby Powder and a year’s supply
of Armani silk diapers.

Unconfirmed reports place his unofficial weight at 6-9 pounds.
He reportedly has no health insurance.

Thousands of women in delivery rooms across the country waged
a frantic
competition to pop out the lucky little one, whose
baby swag bag also includes Vanilla Coke, Chocolate Pepsi,
Slim Jims, Twinkies, Doritos, Cheetos, Big Macs, Froot Loops,
Nike booties, Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat.

Related story:
Spears
baby to be named T-Bone — Sept. 12, 2006

The Dept. of Homeland Security warns that the dreaded Jason may be planning a grisly spree of violence Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
‘bad luck’ alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

Memo: Jason determined to attack inside the U.S.

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck"
advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid
the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves
with rabbits’ feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained
thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at
Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and
uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step
on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the
risk of one’s mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost
or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape
will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn’t
waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent
piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans
that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years
bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney’s
head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn’t worry about Friday the
13th because he has everything under control, but conventional
wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.

UN
to put N.Korea on double secret probation

By
John Breneman

As the United Nations mulls issuing him a "timeout,"
North Korean mini-dictator Kim Jong-Il today warned of more
nuclear monkey business unless President Bush apologizes for
calling him a "pygmy."

Kim, who is 5-foot-3 but stands 6-foot-4 in his platform
shoes and freakish bouffant hairdo, may yet be spanked with
sanctions for his rude, uninvited entry into the nuclear club.

Despite facing possible UN double secret probation, Kim celebrated
his nuclear no-no by throwing a lavish Johnny Walker-fueled
orgy for himself and six dozen teenage concubines.

"What’s with those Islamic morons and their 72 virgins
in the afterlife? I do that every Friday with the Joy Brigade,"
he said of his harem of sex slaves.

Kim, who like President Bush inherited power from his father,
also threw a weekend parade in Pyongyang, where he clapped
along while his 1,000-piece military marching band played
"For He’s a Jongy Good Fellow."

New polls show that his approval rating has risen to 106%,
up from a low of 100%.

Known as "Dear Leader" among his brainwashed, malnourished
subjects, Kim said that after his nuclear triumph he will
also answer to "Fission Magician" and "Doomsday
McMushroom-Cloud."

Related
stories:

Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il

Iran
develops bird flu bomb

Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon

Iran
agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar

Gunfight
at the WMD Corral — Feb. 11 2005

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid
probe

By
John Breneman

Noted superhero The
Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit fingering several top pro baseball players for alleged steroid use.

Attorneys for the comic
book icon — best known for his bright green skin,
bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition — say
they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the probe
but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily
explosive temper.

Related story: Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush

The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances,
attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "laboratory
accident" involving exposure to "gamma
rays." But sources say Captain
America will testify that he once injected the Hulk’s
buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.

The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned
the Hulk’s credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many
of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin
conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes
called "roid rage."

"Mr. Hulk is admired as a role model by many children
and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message,"
said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don’t want impressionable
young kids thinking it’s cool to go around smashing in people’s
skulls and flipping over automobiles."

The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to
end steroid use among comic book heroes. Superman
could not be reached for comment.

Steroids infiltrating
Washington, Wall Street
Santa
Claus denies use of performance-enhancing drugs

Owens
mulls rehab
for publicity addiction

By John Breneman

Experts say Terrell
Owens‘ recent non-suicide attempt may have been a
cry for help from a man whose brain is afflicted with a malignant,
metastasizing ego.

The Dallas Cowboys superstar is so addicted to the limelight,
said one psychologist, that if the chronic swelling of his
head is left untreated, he risks overdosing on his own toxic
narcissism.

So will T.O. seek treatment?

"Nah," said a source close to one of Owens’ nine
full-time publicists. "That’s just a rumor he started
to keep the spotlight on. Know what I’m sayin’? T.O. is takin’
‘Me’ to the next level."

Owens,
who recently underwent surgery for a broken bone in his right
hand, played well in Sunday’s 45-14 victory over Tennessee.

A source close to his third-string mirror polisher said Owens
had planned a new touchdown dance in which he "accidentally"
flashes his left
breast. However, Owens failed to score, leading pundits
to predict a high-profile publicity stunt with the next 24
hours.

With the Terrell Alert Level on "High," there is
widespread speculation that Owens may try to get some TV time
by smuggling a weapon onto an airplane or snapping at Fox
News reporter Chris Wallace. A source close to Owens’ teeth-whitening
specialist said T.O. is set to announce that he is the true
father of Anna
Nicole Smith‘s baby.

Editor’s note: Other sources consulted for this
report include the ghost writer of Owens’ fourth autobiography,
the guy who rubs baby oil on T.O.’s abs and the therapist
who tries to keep Dallas coach Bill Parcells’ head from exploding.

Port boss needs to get his slurs correct

By Chris Elliott

I am appalled at Geno Marconi’s reappointment as head of Portsmouth’s Port Authority, not so much because of his highly publicized racial slurs, but rather because, according to Portsmouth Herald reportage, it seems to me that he might have invoked the wrong one.

The slurs were directed at a ship’s captain referred to as Captain A in much of the press coverage. Marconi having admitted to using the racial slur, “sand nigger,” naturally I was thinking Ahab the Arab from the old Ray Stevens song. Next though, the Herald printed the captain’s name, and it was Pakistani, sort of the buffer zone of racial identifiers between the Arab world and India.

Additionally, the Herald reported that the captain was born in India. The captain’s last name was in the tradition of a group of Pakistani nomads who ended up settling in Punjab, which is among the disputed lands in Kashmir, between India and Pakistan. It sounds to me that the ship’s captain might not be a sand nigger at all. He might even be a dot-head.

Any regular readers of this column know that I am a stickler for precision in language, not necessarily in argument or rhetoric, which in my opinion are bettered by remaining fluid, but the terminology, the word-by-word tool set must be respected to an absolute, and if Marconi is calling an elephant jockey a camel jockey, I have a problem with that.

Amateur racists like Marconi have to learn that races don’t start and end with cartographic precision at the drawn border.

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