Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick

Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi

By John Breneman

In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide
bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.

This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted
Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders,
to smithereens.

An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep
Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell
through for several reasons, including inclement weather and
a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven
is actually a load of camel dung.

"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager
for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just
an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide
bombings will resume tomorrow.

Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their
brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with
a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr
Manual," another had to attend his son’s graduation from
Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized
that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns
on killing innocent people in his name.

Other excuses included:
— overslept
— accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
— ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
— wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
— found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
— realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
— figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
material on eBay

Pope
says Islam is ‘really swell’

By
John Breneman

Pope Benedict XVI, reaching
out to Muslims offended by his recent comments about
Islam being an "evil" religion, today said he actually
believes Islam is "really swell."

"Oh yeah. I have a lotta new Muslim pals and they are
really good dudes," the pontiff told Al-Jazeera morning
show host Regis Zawahiri. "Seeing myself being burned
in effigy around the world was kind of a wakeup call. It was
like, duh, I’m not the boss of Mohammed."

The pope said "the Koran, the Qur’an — whatever you
call it — is a real page-turner," but observers said
he seemed fidgety and kept looking back over his left shoulder
as he concluded his remarks. "To recap, Islam is really
awesome. So please don’t firebomb the Vatican, OK?"

In a related development, the artist formerly known as Cat
Stevens (and currently known Shut Your Piehole, Idiot)
spoke out against the pope, saying his remarks cast a dark
"Moon Shadow" over the papacy and urging the pontiff to get
onboard the "Peace Train."

Related stories:
Pope
apologizes to Rosie O’Donnell — Sept. 18, 2006

Bashin’
of the Christ

Help
Wanted: Pope — April 18, 2005

Humor us with this foolish questionnaire

In
order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this questionnaire
as part of my work in the cutting-edge field of humor column research.

My bosses are pressuring me to provide 8-10 percent more laughs
in each edition of the Humor Gazette. I’m hoping the data you provide
here will help me tap into the very marrow of the human funny bone.

The first 100 respondents will be eligible to win a gold-embossed
collector’s edition copy of my new best-seller – "Blah Blah
Blah, Etc." (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.) To ensure
optimum results, I must request that you please hold your laughter
until the end of this column.

Warning:
The following questions are "multiple choice," so respondents
will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."

Questions
1. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway and chattering on the cell phone
in heavy traffic.
C. After the weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.

2.
Do you prefer humor columns that are:
A. side-splitting
B. knee-slapping
C. rib-tickling
D. windpipe-constricting

3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading humor
columns?
(select up to 6)

• kippered herring
• tofu jerky
• lima bean pizza
• Meat Whiz
• refried chitlins
• Oysters Rockefeller
• Venezuelan caviar
• animal by-products
• Spam-flavored lollipops
• Tender Vittles
• Pepto-Bismol smoothies
• that nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make

4. What is your current employment status?
A. pencil pusher
B. suit
C. dot-com geek
D. brown-collar slop jockey

5. What is your current family status?
A. single
B. double
C. disowned
D. married, divorced, remarried and living in squalor with 3.5 kids,
6.5 cats and an incontinent gerbil named Petey.

6. What is your current financial status?
A. mo’ money
B. no money
C. self-made pauper
D. assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which you
have become accustomed.

7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not provided
free as part of this fine newspaper Web site?
A. 1 yen
B. a plug nickel
C. a red cent
D. $1.2 million

8. What are some of your favorite humor column topics? (select
up to six)
o society’s seamy underbelly
o squirrel terrorists
o philandering politicians
o humpbacked sperm whales
o humpbacked politicians
o porcelain fixtures
o the role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
o algebraic equations
o machine gun-wielding gnomes
o blonds
o Polish sausages
o the mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser.

9. What is your greatest fear?
A. fear itself
B. snakes
C. George W. Bush
D. missing an important final exam because you have no clothing

and can only run in slow-motion.

10. What is your favorite name to call those idiots who cut
you off in traffic?
A. idiot
B. @$*#% jackass
C. nincompoop
D. road rage victim

Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire,
you are eligible to enrich your life by reading the Humor Gazette
as often as you like. However, I know your time is at a premium
so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I’m sure you’ll want
all the facts.

Consider:
? Humor Gazette columns offer
24 percent more insipid punch lines
than the other leading brand.

? Each week, we will print a generous
supply of comical words like "beancurd," "whimwham"
and "government."

? Special bonus columns will be peppered
with rib-splitting words like "putty," "angstrom
unit" and "Jello-brand gelatin."

? We also offer exclusive special
reports like "True Confessions of a Praying Mantis,"
"The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Raisins" and
"Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?"

? And finally, this column has been
endorsed by groups as diverse as Physicians For
Social Repugnancy, Daughters of the Albanian Revolution and the
National Water Pistol Association.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is:
A. almost as funny as gangrene
B. a pathetic little man
C. a veritable comic juggernaut
D. no longer allowed to play with weapons of mass destruction.

John Breneman

Popeye
stricken by tainted spinach

By
John Breneman

Cartoon legend Popeye the Sailor Man is in stable condition
at Bethesda Naval Hospital, where he is recovering after sucking
several cans of bad spinach through his corncob pipe.

The 77-year-old Popeye, a colorful spokesman and lobbyist
for the spinach industry, defied FDA warnings that more than
130
people have fallen ill from a deadly outbreak E. coli
attributed to the leafy, iron-rich vegetable.

The muttering, one-eyed muscleman, who credits a spinach-based
diet with giving him steroid-style forearms and super-human
strength, claimed the spinach scare may be the work of his
arch-nemesis Bluto, perhaps as part of yet another scheme
to steal Popeye’s girl, the floss-thin anoerxia poster girl,
Olive Oyl.

Related stories:
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote

Li’l
Abner hurt in meth lab blast

Pope
apologizes to Rosie O’Donnell for slamming Islam

By John Breneman

Pope Benedict XVI today asked forgiveness from Rosie O’Donnell
for badmouthing Islamo-fascism.

Under the gun for saying it is "evil" to spread
religious beliefs "by the sword," and controversial
stuff like "violence is incompatible with the nature
of God and the nature of the soul," the
pope apologized to the Muslim world in general and
O’Donnell in particular.

"I’m
sorry if my reference to some 14th century Byzantine
emperor offended Muslims or any of Rosie O’Donnell’s fans
in the radical, extremist, lesbian Islamo-Hollywood community,"
he said in an exclusive interview with Regis Philbin.

O’Donnell,
meanwhile, is taking heat for saying "radical Christianity
is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like
America." Inflammatory words. So it was vitally important
that the daytime talk show blabbermouth be burned in effigy
by the nighttime blabberpundits on cable, while enraged Muslims
torched pope posters in Pakistan.

In other cable-news news: Forensic analysts are conducting
tests to determine if chunks of shredded human flesh found
in the razor-sharp teeth of self-appointed CNN legal attack
dog Nancy
Grace is that of a young Florida woman took her own
life after being interrogated
by Grace about her missing son.

The incident sparked fresh debate over whether the Geneva
Conventions should apply to Grace’s program or ratings-motivated
media grillings in general. Grace is also under fire for allegedly
waterboarding a sexy blonde teacher who banged one of her
students.

Related stories:
Help
Wanted: Pope — April 18, 2005

Rev.
Jesse Jackson mulls pope bid — April 11, 2005

Schiavo
autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state
— June 17, 2005

Brain usage: 10% and dropping

By John Breneman

The percentage of the brain that people actually use — once
estimated to be 10%
— is now approximately 8.2% and falling, according to a new
study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from 12% in places
where there is no cable TV to a stultifying 5.9% in greater
Washington, D.C., according to Daft Foundation neurologist
Dr. Sarah Bellum. The study relied on both societal observations
and scientific testing to reach the conclusion that human
beings are getting dumber by the day.

Among its findings, the report revealed an alarming decrease
in the number of people who have enough sense to look both
ways before crossing the street. However, the number of motorists
who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal, even if it helps
save a human life, appears to have stabilized at 72 percent.

The Daft Foundation team also administered electroencephalogram
(EEG) brain wave tests to a cross-section of test subjects
and found that 92% of them thought EEG referred to an oval-shaped
breakfast food made by a chicken.

The study also reported the estimated percentage of the brain
utilized by the following test groups:

Rocket
scientists — 10.2%
Laboratory mice — 11.3%
Administration officials — 2.1%
Steroid users — 4.2%
Drunk drivers — 0.10%
Reality TV show producers — 1.6%
TV "news" talking heads — 0.003%
Moronic humor columnists — 0.002%

Spears baby to be named T-Bone

By
John Breneman

Britney Spears has given birth to a boy, the second of her
12 children, and a source close to her cigarette dealer claims
the beloved pop commodity plans to continue the trend of oddball
celebrity baby names like Suri, Coco, Shiloh and Apple.

"Yeah, she’s gonna name him Camel, either that or Marlboro,"
said Cleetus Chesterfield, a Kentwood, La., tobacco distributor.

Off-the-chain hip-hop megastar Kevin Federline, believed
to be the baby’s mama’s "pimp daddy," is reportedly
leaning toward calling him Lil’ K-Fed or Toxic G.

While mini FedX is just Spears’ second child, he is at least
the fourth for Federline (father of Kori, 4, and Kaleb, 2,
with Shar Jackson). The National Enquirer is reporting the
opportunistic rap god may have sired as many as 25-40 children
with dozens of random "beeyatches" and "hos."

Spears reportedly delivered a 6-pound, 11-ounce boy just
before 2 a.m. Tuesday, via a rare procedure called an MTV-section.

In related news: Actress Minnie Driver gave birth to a boy,
Racecar.

Bin Laden linked to Satan’s pig-monkey

After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like ‘Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction’ would be a victory
for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times,
the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like ‘Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.’ Below are
some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it
Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal ’05 — Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001

Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann

By
John Breneman

Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is
the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual
cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have
decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette’s
resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.

Question: Where should I go to see the peak foliage?

— Bud Smith, Exeter

Answer: The most glorious foliage in all the world
can be seen in a quaint Maine hamlet called Carotene Falls.
Unfortunately, you can’t get there from here.

Question: If there is too much foliage in my yard,
should I use a defoliant?
— Biff Dupont, New Castle

Answer: Uh, no. A defoliant is a chemical that strips
growing plants of their leaves. Believe it or not, if you
just wait a bit the leaves will fall off the trees by themselves.

Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?

— Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth

Answer: No. I have found that it’s best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.

Question: Where did the 2004 presidential candidates stand
on foliage?
— Joe Voder, Dixville Notch

Answer: John Kerry was ranked the 5th-most pro-foliage
legislator in the U.S. Congress. He also voted FOR a $1.2 million foliage appropriation before he voted against it. George W. Bush believes we
can stop unwanted foliage by increasing the amount of toxic
emissions in the environment.

Question: Why are the trees so pretty in the fall?

— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Well you see Jenny, leaves contain some green
stuff called chlorophyll. But the cold weather breaks down
the chlorophyll in most deciduous plant life forms. When that
happens, other pigments contained in the leaves (xanthophyll,
yellow; caretenoids, orange-red; anthocyanins, red and purple)
come shining through.

Question: Oh, why are there no blue leaves?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Uhhh. Because.

Question: How can I protect my children from seeing
foliage on the Internet?
— Jenny’s mom

Answer: Of course it is best to shield your child
from all external stimuli, but that is not always possible.
Instead, you might consider raking up a big pile of leaves,
starting a bonfire, and throwing your computer into the center
of the flames.

Question: Who makes all the oxygen for humans to breathe?

— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Plants and trees.

Question: Why are humans destroying the rain forests?
— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Too much oxygen.

Question: How has the fluctuating stock market affecting
the international market for foliage-related goods and services
(cameras and binoculars, bus tours, T-shirts, petroleum products,
etc.)?
— A. Greenspan, Washington

Answer: Let’s just say that black market "Genuine
Maine Leaf Peeper" T-shirts are raking in quite a few
million yen in North Conwei, Japan.

Question: Are travel agents authorized to arrange
obscenely expensive leaf-peeping excursions for wealthy tourists?

— Arthur Mulch, York Harbor

Answer: Yes, my sources in the industry tell me that
a Hampton travel agent is now offering a seven-day, seven-night
"Leaf Safari" package that starts with a champagne-and-hot-tub
limousine ride to the White Mountains. There, the group will
be flown to scenic Moosehead Lake aboard the S.S. Equinox,
a luxury dirigible that serves braised lobster and offers
unparalleled autumn vistas from the air. Tour organizers also
have arranged for a partial eclipse of the sun to create a
spectacular once-in-a-lifetime visual foliage extravaganza.

Question: What can we, as humans, learn from the humble
leaf?
— Kofi Annan, United Nations

Answer: Well, if we humans could all develop the ability
to produce our own nourishment using the miracle of photosynthesis,
why we could solve world hunger and increase our disposal
income without triggering a windfall profits tax.

Question: Do leaves go to Heaven?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Yes.

Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman has given up red
meat in favor of photosynthesis.

Ex-Chihuahua sues Paris Hilton

By
John Breneman

A disgruntled Chihuahua once owned by Paris Hilton is suing
the long-legged, pinheaded heiress for $2.5 million, alleging
lurid tales of canine porn and doggie-style debauchery.

Attorneys
for the dog, identified in court documents as "Tinkerbell
7," claim Hilton had made "certain representations"
about taking care of the diminutive handbag-dwelling pooch
in "the lifestyle to which it has become accustomed."

A spokesman for Hilton claimed the dog was let go after it
breeched an unwritten agreement by peeing on a $500,000 jewel-encrusted
minidress while sitting in Hilton’s lap at Daddy Bling’s in
Monaco. But the dog’s legal team says several eyewitnesses
will testify that "Paris had already peed on the same
dress at least twice that night."

The lawsuit also hints at domestic abuse. "Paris used
to beat me," claims the former pet, citing one incident
in which it suffered a fractured front leg when Hilton "bitch
slapped" it for walking in unannounced while she was
entertaining an identified pile of men.

Tinkerbell 7, who once dreamed of hauling his mistress to
glory in the MTV Celebrity Iditarod, has been reduced to panhandling
(yapping "Where’s the beef" for spare change on
Rodeo Drive) and doing guest spots on shows like VH1’s "100
Nastiest Celebrity Poop-Related Incidents."

Related
stories:
Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton
— June 12, 2006

Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent
— Sept. 23, 2005

Ono!
… Yoko to blame for McCartney split
— May 19, 2006

Anna
Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp
— March 1, 2006