VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A gnarly workplace dispute may cause unforeseen complications involving television cameras and child welfare authorities. Resist the temptation to bang a seven-gram rock at dusk. Bring it.

A loved one may resent threats of being stabbed in the eye with a penknife. Don’t let societal restraining orders inhibit your warlock powers. Tiger blood is thicker than water.

Goddesses are attracted to your virile, ruggedly handsome bank account. Spend less time pretending you’re not a totally bitchin’ rock star from Mars. Celebrate your inner crack ninja. (MORE)

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STORY: OSCAR BUZZ FOR SHEEN FILM PROJECT
— ‘THE GODFATHER: PART TWO AND A HALF’

Libyan protesters demand ouster of Gadhafi, Khadafi, Qadhafi and Khaddaffi

Libyan crazy man Moammar Gadhafi is reportedly
"going ballistic" as protesters call for an end
to his four-decade reign.

Col. Qaddafi, whose name is routinely spelled
Gaddafi, Kadhafi, Qadhaffi, Khaddafi and countless other
variations in media reports, is not only a ruthless despot
— he’s also a raving schizophrenic, with at least one outlandish
personality for each spelling of his name.

Sources describe him as "a real dictator’s
dictator" with a fondness for mustard gas, donkey prostitutes
and human oppression. A defiant Khaduffy has vowed to remain
in power — pledging to govern his people to death if necessary.
His vow to battle protesters to the "last drop of blood"
(theirs, not his obviously) sent the price of blood spiking
to over $100 a barrel.   (MORE)

Stupid
brat, 3, destroys
Watson supercomputer
at Candy Land

The Watson supercomputer that dominated its human competition
on the quiz show "Jeopardy" has been humiliated
by dimwitted 3-year-old Massachusetts boy.

Locked in an epic game of Candy Land, little Jimmy Murphy
was losing badly to the IBM supercomputer when he employed
a uniquely human strategy — a temper tantrum — to vanquish
his soulless rival.   (MORE)

The
trouble with Valentine’s Day

Sometimes,
Jay mused to himself as he scanned the sports page on a
blustery mid-February morning, life just isn’t fair.

Here it was Valentine’s Day, and he was feeling more than
a bit lonely and depressed that all his relationships had
failed, even the ones he’d truly hoped would last.   (READ
MORE)

Happy birthday, Sarah Palin

Chapter
2: The Early Days

Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger
in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks
later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the
ever-present threat of socialism.

READ
MORE:
"(Real) America by Heart: Reflections on
(Exploiting) Family, Faith and Flag (For Fun & Profit)"

Humor Gazette buys The Daily Palin for $315M

The Humor Gazette, the underground media/satire
conglomerate that claims to trace its roots to the Revolutionary
War, has purchased The Daily Palin for a reported $315 million.

The blockbuster deal shocked media analysts,
coming amid speculation that the controversial Palin satire
site was about to be gobbled up by one of the handful of
media companies that now own everything.

In addition to stock options, sources say
the mega-sale included five caribou pelts, a box of guns
and an undisclosed sum of cash rumored to be in excess of
$4.

Humor Gazette CEO John Breneman said the acquisition
made financial sense despite Palin’s plummeting approval
numbers, because her disapproval numbers are skyrocketing.
Polls show Americans equally divided on whether Palin will
run for president, foment an armed revolution or goad some
maniac into taking a shot at "Death Panel" Obama.

"Obviously, since Tucson, Palin is just
not even remotely funny anymore," he said. "But
as long as she keeps firing off hateful, incoherent rants
against the president — and the media keeps lapping it
up — she’s a hot commodity." The Daily Palin also
offers Palin products ranging from "Gall
of Duty" video games to Sarah’s
Super-Sensitive In-Your-Face Cream for Ultra-Thin Skin,
and a parody book titled "(Real)
America By Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family Faith
and Flag (For Fun & Profit)."

Sources say The Daily Palin’s head writer
is taking an indefinite medical leave to combat ailments
(including malignant soul
weevils) triggered by Palin’s rare ability to spread
cancer without actually having it.

Headquartered in New York, Los Angeles and
London, with brand-new international bureaus popping up
in skyscrapers from Dusseldorf and Dubai, the Humor Gazette
is also said to be eyeing The Daily Romney, Gingrich Aficionado
and The Huckabee Post.