Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute

By
John Breneman

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally gunned down a dozen
spectators while performing a Memorial Day 21-gun salute at
an undisclosed location.

Cheney apologized for the holiday mayhem, saying he thought
he saw a quail out of the corner of his eye. A bald eagle
remains in critical condition.

A spokesman said Cheney feels really bad about the incident,
but remains upbeat about sending 2,500 U.S. soldiers to their
deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The vice president, who wisely obtained five deferments to
avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, complained that the
media always ignores all the "good news" on Memorial
Day.

Meanwhile President George W. Bush, who wisely used family
connections to avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, gave
a speech saluting "the fallen" whom he had pushed
into battle.

A Bridgeport, Conn., woman is pleading with the court to spare her cat the death penalty for terrorizing and attacking neighbors, the Associated Press reported today.
The razor-clawed perpetrator, identified only as Lewis, allegedly laid siege to an unsuspecting Avon lady as she emerged from her vehicle. He is also accused of three counts of biting a different victim, leaving three sets of fang marks and eight deep scratches as Exhibits A through K.

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Conn.
woman fights for one of her cat’s lives

Feline rights advo-cat

A Bridgeport, Conn., woman is pleading with the court to
spare her cat the death penalty for terrorizing and attacking
neighbors, the
Associated Press reported today.

The razor-clawed perpetrator, identified only as Lewis, allegedly
laid siege to an unsuspecting Avon lady as she emerged from
her vehicle. He is also accused of three counts of biting
a different victim, leaving three sets of fang marks and eight
deep scratches as Exhibits A through K.

The cat’s owner, Ruth Cisero, faces a second-degree reckless
endangerment rap for her sidekick’s violent hissing fits.
One of Lewis’ victims is pressing for cat capital punishment,
but Cisero is fighting to save one of her little buddy’s lives.
Tuesday’s court proceeding was attended by several pro-Lewis,
animal rights purr-otesters.

Biggest unanswered question:
Would any criminal activity in one of Lewis’ past lives
be admissible in court?

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying
he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary
union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant
Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.

Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban
Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of
monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief
dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained
that his jones for Jimmy’s bones dates back to the 2002 when
he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped
up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous
douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to
impress a chick he’s trying to nail, the film’s working title
is "Dude, Where’s Hoffa?"

The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood’s biggest
names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in
on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president’s rotting
corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana
Jones: Quest for Hoffa’s Bones" and sources say Madonna
is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive
labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."

Read the rest of this entry »

Jacko
wacko about Jimmy Hoffa

By
John Breneman

Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying
he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary
union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant
Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.

Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban
Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of
monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief
dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained
that his jones for Jimmy’s bones dates back to the 2002 when
he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped
up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous
douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to
impress a chick he’s trying to nail, the film’s working title
is "Dude, Where’s Hoffa?"

The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood’s biggest
names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in
on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president’s rotting
corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana
Jones: Quest for Hoffa’s Bones" and sources say Madonna
is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive
labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."

Meanwhile, leading Hoffa-ologists say it’s unlikely his remains
will be found at the Michigan horse farm now swarming with
G-Men because he is actually alive and well in Argentina,
where he lives on a heavily fortified llama ranch with Elvis
Presley and Hitler’s love child.

Other
theorists say Hoffa survived a 1975 attempt to shove him into
the trunk of a late-model sedan and bury him in the end zone
of the Giants Stadium, only to be "whacked" by a
hitman connected to the Soprano crime family.

Related story:
Cheney
implicated in Soprano shooting — March 13, 2006

Ono! … Yoko to blame for McCartney split

By John Breneman

Yoko Ono, widow of John Lennon and perhaps the world’s most
reviled scapegoat, is responsible for the breakup of Paul
McCartney’s marriage to Heather Mills, the Humor Gazette has
learned.

Sources say Mills "really dug" McCartney, but eventually
fell under the spell of Ono’s shrill and relentless portrayal
of Paul as a creative midget next to the God-like genius of
John. Musical analysts say Ono’s new single "(I Ain’t
Sayin’ She a) Peg-Legged Gold Digger" — a three-minute
shriek accompanied by a chorus of baby harp seals in various
stages of distress — could be a subtle dig at Mrs. McCartney.

The latest polls reveal that Ono is also receiving a hefty
share of the blame for the trouble in Iraq, the immigration
problem and rising gas prices. The growing anti-Ono ire is
good news for the Bush administration, which announced it
has evidence linking the notorious band-wrecker to the attacks
of Sept. 11, 2001.

Ono’s approval is nearing its all-time low of 3 percent in
when the Beatles broke up in 1970, thanks to her. She recently
provoked ire in the Muslim world by saying she is "bigger
than Allah."

The
eccentric widow could not be reached for comment because she
is channeling all her karmic energy into her latest project
— a one-woman plastic Ono neo-coed naked Zen minimalist Haiku
mosh pit.

Related story:
Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse — Jan.
12, 2005

Ono! … Yoko to blame for McCartney
split

By
John Breneman

Yoko Ono, widow of John Lennon and perhaps the world’s most
reviled scapegoat, is responsible for the breakup of Paul
McCartney’s marriage to Heather Mills, the Humor Gazette has
learned.

Sources say Mills "really dug" McCartney, but eventually
fell under the spell of Ono’s shrill and relentless portrayal
of Paul as a creative midget next to the God-like genius of
John. Musical analysts say Ono’s new single "(I Ain’t
Sayin’ She a) Peg-Legged Gold Digger" — a three-minute
shriek accompanied by a chorus of baby harp seals in various
stages of distress — could be a subtle dig at Mrs. McCartney.

The latest polls reveal that Ono is also receiving a hefty
share of the blame for the trouble in Iraq, the immigration
problem and rising gas prices. The growing anti-Ono ire is
good news for the Bush administration, which announced it
has evidence linking the notorious band-wrecker to the attacks
of Sept. 11, 2001.

Ono’s approval is nearing its all-time low of 3 percent in
when the Beatles broke up in 1970, thanks to her. She recently
provoked ire in the Muslim world by saying she is "bigger
than Allah."

The
eccentric widow could not be reached for comment because she
is channeling all her karmic energy into her latest project
— a one-woman plastic Ono neo-coed naked Zen minimalist Haiku
mosh pit.

Related story:
Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse — Jan.
12, 2005

America on the fence on immigration
reform

By
John Breneman

Illegal aliens will be streaming across the border tonight
to catch President Bush’s prime-time address on how to stop
illegal aliens from streaming across the border.

The president is calling in the National Guard and suddenly
our friend Mexican President Vincente Fox is craving some
of that sweet uranium yellow cake.

Analysts say Mexicans are backdooring it into America because
they want to share the same eroding rights and liberties enjoyed
by U.S. citizens. Meanwhile, the latest poll reveals that
99 percent of the nation’s estimated 11 million illegal immigrants
could not be reached to participate in the latest poll.

Surveys show Americans are on the fence — a high-voltage,
barbed-wire fence — when it comes to border security and
immigration. 29 percent of Americans believe that, given his
track record of visionary leadership from Iraq to New Orleans,
President Bush is sure to figure out a wise solution to the
immigration tsunami.

However, 68 percent believe the U.S. could strengthen its
position on immigration and other issues by deporting Bush
to Mexico. Another 3 percent support "shipping them dang
aliens straight back to Mars."

On Thursday, President Bush will pay a video-op visit to
the Mexican border. Tentative plans call for Bush to chase
down a fleeing illegal on his mountain bike and give him the
old "Hasta la vista, baby."

In a related development, presidential pop George H.W. Bush
has offered to pull a shift patrolling the Rio Grande in his
supercharged cigarette boat.

Related stories:
House
passes Spanish "Banner" ban — May
3, 2006

Frito
Bandito busted on immigration charges — May 4,
2005

Bush’s
new pen pal

The Humor Gazette has obtained a copy of Iranian President
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s followup letter to President Bush:

Dear Mr. President George W. Bush —

OK if I call you Dubya? I think maybe there’s some bad blood
between us, so I’m writing this letter because I really want
to have relations with you.

By the way, how’s Mrs. Bush and the girls? I hope they enjoy
the complimentary burkas. Sheesh, I just had to stone the
bejesus out of Mrs. Ahmadinejad because I caught her watching
"Oprah" on the Devil’s picture box. Women, eh? Can’t
live with ’em; can’t deny them basic human rights and dignity.
Oops I forgot, you can.

So maybe we could get together sometime. Doesn’t have to
be a big fancy "summit" or anything, just two guys
having some coffee or a couple dozen beers. Yeah, we could
go up to your place in Kennebunkport and play some tennis
or go fishing on your dad’s cigarette boat.

Now you might be asking yourself, "What’s in it for
me?" For one thing, I’ll stop calling you "The Great
Satan." You don’t need that hassle. How about "The
Best Satan Ever"? Now that’s some respect.

Also, please enjoy the Whitman’s Sampler of dates and sweet
mutton truffles. Oh, I almost forgot: What’s wrong with us
having a little taste of uranium yellow cake. For electricity,
man. Not for bombs, I swear. It’s all good.

Anyway, have your people call my people and we can set up
a meeting at a Starbucks. Good luck with those approval ratings,
amigo!

Your pal,
Mahmoud

Related story:
Iran
develops bird flu bomb — April 24, 2006

Finally, a standup comic who kills. He may stop by occasionally
to crack a joke.

After I thought of him (not the most original play on words
ever), I Googled and discovered the Grin Reaper is no stranger
to the Internet. There is even a Web
site bearing his name.