Immigrants
given fighting chance

Uncle Sam offers citizenship to illegal immigrants willing to go to Iraq

By John Breneman

Uncle Sam today unveiled a new immigration initiative: Illegal
aliens will be offered citizenship if they sign up for a two-year
stint in Iraq. Experts predict as many as two dozen of the
nation’s 11 million illegal residents may take advantage of
the deal.

Debate over immigration reform continued today as a new poll
reveals the majority of Americans are puzzled why it took
so long for the government to realize it needs to secure our
borders and deal with millions of lawbreakers.

Some 32% support building a giant wall and a moat filled
with dragons, 15% support "sending them damn aliens back
to outer space" and 1.2% support seizing Cancun by eminent
domain.

One
House bill includes a provision issuing special badges to
guest workers, but a leading immigration advocate objected
vehemently, saying, "We don’t need no stinking badges."

Related story:
Frito
Bandito busted on immigration charges — May 4,
2005

Bin Laden’s driver linked
to Miss Daisy

By John Breneman

The
Supreme Court heard oral arguments this week from attorneys
for Osama bin Laden’s former chauffeur, a longtime Guantanamo
Bay resident who is challenging the Bush administration’s
right to try accused war criminals by military tribunal.

"One day I was driving
Mr. B down to the Piggly Wiggly," said Salim
Ahmed Hamdan, who bears a striking resemblance to
the actor Morgan Freeman, "and alls he could talk about
was bombing the American infidels."

"So I said, ‘Mr. B, you too old to be hatin’ like
that.’ But he didn’t pay me no mind, just laughed at me while
he beheaded the cashier and pistol-whipped the stockboy."
Legal analysts say the court also expected to hear testimony
from bin Laden’s former butler, his dry cleaner and the
guy who took care of his fish tank.

Justice Anton Scalia said anyone who believes detainees
have any rights is an "idiot." He said Hamdan
had "a rap sheet as long as a camel’s dong" —
including speeding, driving to endanger the free world and
illegal transportation of non-existent weapons of mass destruction.

The alleged terror wheelman denied that he drove the getaway
car when President Bush let bin Laden escape from the mountains
of Tora Bora. Meanwhile, Judge Samuel Alito kept glancing
at his watch and asking if it was time to overturn Roe v.
Wade yet.

Related
stories:
Speed
Racer busted for speeding,
possession of speed — July 27, 2005

Anna
Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp — March 1, 2006

Saddam
tells judge to ‘go (bleep) yourself’ — Jan.
30, 2006

‘Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity — Nov. 28, 2005

Editor’s
note: This one appeared
in the
March 25, 2006, edition of the Boston Herald.

The oratorical stylings
of Pres. George W. Bush

By John Breneman

President Bush was feeling chatty last week, rolling from
Ohio
to Washington
to West
Virginia to riff about the elusive and bloody quest
for Iraqi democracy.

But the three-day, three-city tour doesn’t mean Bush has
"flip-flopped"
on his policy of talking a lot while saying very little.
(Actually, he did admit he’ll be long gone before the U.S.
ever gets out of Iraq and that, while linking Iraq to al-Qaeda
in the public perception, he has been "very
careful never to say that Saddam Hussein ordered
the attacks on America.")

For armchair Bush observers, these sessions provide a fascinating
glimpse into the folksy, shoot-from-the-lip communication
style brandished by the man who brought us such legendary
soundbites as "bring ’em on" and "dead
or alive."

Bush explained that in addition to "Commander-in-Chief,
I’m also the Educator-in-Chief." Today’s lesson: his
God-given ability to spin rambling monologues around the
semiautomatic repetition of familiar words, phrases and
anecdotes. Victory will be ours as long as we don’t "lose
our nerve," he said four more times Tuesday (saving
the sister soundbite "shake our will" for Wednesday).

One of the president’s favorite "education" tools
is to tack the word "see" to the front or back
of any statement to sound like he’s conveying key information.
(On Wednesday: "An interesting debate in the world
is whether or not freedom is universal, see …" Then,
two seconds later, "See, I believe freedom is universal.")

Yes, I see. Unfortunately, every time Bush instructs me
to "see" he reminds me of those Mugsy-type gangsters
on Bugs Bunny. ("You dirty terrorists. You’ll never
shake our will, see.")

There is much the president wants us to "understand."
He deployed the word 26 times Wednesday, including this
elegant three-fer: "You got to understand that I fully
understand there is deep concern among the American people
about whether or not we can win. And I can understand why
people are concerned."

Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand many of us aren’t
impressed each time he repeats, "I understand people’s
lives are being lost."

Another
way the president likes to educate us simple folk is his
clever and escalating use of the phrase "in other words"
(nine times Tuesday and an unofficial record 14 on Wednesday).

Sounds like he’s expanding on the previous point, see.
But it’s actually just verbal filler — buying a second
before he delivers his next line of banter or, just as often,
repeats the previous one. (Example from Wednesday: "Iraq
is a part of the global war on terror. In other words, it’s
a global war.")

Yes, when the president hops on a word, he sure rides it
into the sunset. Take "threat," for example. It
popped out of the presidential piehole 16 times in Cleveland
and another 20 in West Virginia, where he packed nine "threats"
into this edited 40-second spiel: "I saw a threat in
Iraq. I’ll tell you why I saw a threat. … Congress
in both political parties saw a threat. My predecessor saw
a threat. I mean, my predecessor saw a threat and …
The world saw a threat. … We saw a threat. I’ll tell
you why I saw a threat. I saw a threat because…"

Finally, one staple of any presidential address is the
anecdote. Well your president has a new favorite and if
you haven’t heard it yet, don’t fret. When the president’s
father fought in World War II, Japan was our sworn enemy,
see. But today, Bush mugs, Prime Minister Koizumi is "one
of my best buddies."

Unfortunately, the story does less to illustrate the president’s
point about progress toward peace than it does to underscore
the harsh contrast between the decorated Navy hero and the
back-slapping, Vietnam-ducking National Guard party boy
— the father who knew bagging Baghdad "wouldn’t be
prudent" and the son who now has no choice but to "stay
the course."

Boston Herald copy editor John Breneman is editor
of the satire Web site www.HumorGazette.com.

Related stories:
Critics
praise President Bush’s ‘I think about Iraq every day’speech
— June 27, 2005

Bush
vows to do standup until terrorists stand down —
Jan. 25, 2006

President
takes part-time job clearing brush — Jan. 26,
2005

Comic
bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26,
2004

President
Bush’s 2006 New Year’s resolutions — Jan. 11, 2006

President
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction — Jan. 2, 2006

Bush
received faulty intelligence from God — July 14,
2004

Abramoff
fingerprints found on president’s ass — Jan. 23,
2006

Bush
tells nation: ‘I’m sure something will pop into my head’
— April 14, 2004

Osama Bin Laden’s list of travel demands

By John Breneman

Vice President Dick
Cheney‘s list of hotel travel requirements — featuring
such bland fare as bottled water, diet Sprite, decaf coffee
and a mandatory dose of Fox News — has mushroomed into
a major news story today after being leaked by the
Smoking Gun.

However, a secret addendum to the list reveals that Cheney
also demands a loaded shotgun, a Bugs Bunny-Elmer Fudd DVD
and an inflatable Ann Coulter sex doll. The VP also reserves
the right — if a television is tuned to any channel other
than Fox News — to smash the hell out of it then hurl it
out the window.

The
Humor Gazette has obtained a similar list detailing the
hotel requirements of fugitive terror kingpin Osama
bin Laden, who often registers under the alias Osama
Smith.

One 30-pack of Milwaukee’s
Best beer
and a jug of Mountain Dew Code Red

A 64-inch, high-definition, flat-panel

plasma television tuned to Al-Jazeera

Two packs of Camel non-filtered cigarettes

A half-pound of fois gras pate and a
box of Ritz crackers

Two unopened bags of Sta-Puff marshmallows

Five tins of Dinty Moore beef stew

A half-dozen nubile virgins

A bag of opium

An organic buckwheat pillow

Three unopened canisters of VX nerve gas

A suitcase containing $50,000 in unmarked
U.S. $100 bills

A Baxter 1550 kidney dialysis machine
and six chilled pints of type O blood

A Gideon Koran in the top drawer of his
nightstand

Editor’s note: What else would bin Laden
demand in his hotel room? Comments below