Osama eyes satellite radio

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio

By
John Breneman

Terror analysts say the message on the new Osama bin Laden
videotape can be summarized as follows: "Nah-nah, nah-nah-nah.
You caa-aan’t catch me."

His latest broadcast has renewed speculation that the 7-foot-tall
terror beanpole will soon follow Howard Stern in making the
jump to satellite radio.

"Not much to report. Still leading the jihad against
the infidels. Yada, yada, yada," said the self-proclaimed
King of All Mujahadeens, who has faced growing criticism from
supporters for his failure to destroy the Western world. "Oh,
and the kidney’s been acting up again."

The tape raises new questions about the whereabouts of bin
Laden, who sources say was spied last week spied canoodling
with several dozen virgins at a swanky Baghdad nightspot.

The only fresh clue to his location came when bin Laden’s
cell phone went off during the tape. "No, I said Cave
16B, not 16C!!" bin Laden fumed at the caller, believed
to be a pizza delivery man. "And there better be extra
cheese on that bad boy or I’ll hack your hands off with a
machete."

When the tape is played backwards, the international hate
mogul can be heard plugging his new video game for Xbox, "Osama
bin Laden’s Reign of Terror: 2006."

Bin Laden closed by thanking President Bush, saying he wouldn’t
be alive today if Bush hadn’t "taken the heat off"
by going after Saddam Hussein instead. He warned that more
attacks will be coming, just as soon as he can train the next
batch of idiots willing to blow themselves up in the name
of hate.

President Bush first responded by daring bin Laden to "take
your best shot," but was quickly reminded that he was
supposed lay off the tough-guy ("Dead or alive,"
"Bring ’em on") rhetoric.

A White House spokesman assured the public that capturing
bin Laden remains one of the president’s highest priorities,
right behind enacting permanent tax cuts for the rich and
shredding his Jack Abramoff papers.

Related stories:
Voice
on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman

Nov. 19, 2002

Comments (0) Jan 20 2006

"Negative reality" Lars Trodson

Posted: under lars.

Negative
reality

By Lars Trodson

When I was maybe 13 or 14 years old I stood in line at a
boat show in Providence, R.I., and, when it was my turn, received
an autographed picture of a Playboy Playmate. Oddly, one of
the things I remember most about the encounter was that she
spelled my name right. When I was growing up, no one ever
spelled my name right.

I have long forgotten who the Playmate was, but I remember
it was a black and white picture, and she was a pretty blonde.
I put it in the top drawer of my desk with a lot of other
junk and it has long since vanished; lost to the garbage bin
of history.

It served a useful purpose, though, because I could say to
friends who came over to the house that I knew a Playboy Centerfold.
This was usually followed by a negative frathouse reply, but
when I produced the picture the encounter was proved. I would
still be good-naturedly called a jerk for embellishing the
relationship, but a moment or two was nonetheless taken to
look over the picture and debate the physical aspects of our
mutual acquaintance. Give me a break on this; we were teenage
boys.

What’s
important about this story, in so much as it is important,
is that a photograph was used, and acknowledged, as proof
that something happened. I had met a Playboy Playmate and
no one disputed that because you could see it with your own
two eyes. She had signed it, written my name, and so there
it was.

No more. A photograph — one of the great tools of journalism,
one of the great methods of recording history as it has happened
— would no longer be taken as proof-positive that anything
had happened. There isn’t a kid at the age of 13 or 14 who
wouldn’t come back after looking at what I once used as evidence,
and say: "What’d you use, Photoshop?"

This all came to mind when I read a recent story in the New
York Times about how networks use computer generated images
to insert some product placement into TV shows. There, in
the photo, was a depiction of a couple of actors from "Yes,
Dear" and a coffee table in front of them. Here’s how
the New York Times described it on Jan. 2:

"Viewers of last April 25’s episode of the CBS show
"Yes, Dear" may have noticed a box of Club Crackers
sitting on a living room coffee table, next to a plate of
cheese. What they did not know was that the box did not really
exist, at least not on the set.

"The Club Crackers box was inserted into the scene through
virtual product placement, a process that uses computer graphics
and digital editing to put products like potato chips, soda
and shopping bags into television programs after the shows
are filmed or taped. As with traditional product placement,
producers can sell screen time on their programs to advertisers
eager to reach consumers who now have the ability to skip
traditional commercials using digital recorders like TiVo.

"According
to PQ Media, a media research firm, spending on product placement
totaled $3.45 billion in 2004. Of that amount, $1.88 billion
was spent on television, $1.25 billion on movies and $326
million on other media. While digital product placement has
been around at least since the 1990s, when it was introduced
largely for greater flexibility in featuring various brands,
it has gained traction on network television recently as advertisers
increasingly look beyond the traditional 30-second spot to
reach consumers."

It’s fast becoming very easy to simply not trust our eyes:
I see the box of Club Crackers, but I also know it isn’t really
there. How does my brain learn to process and accept this
conundrum? Should it even bother, or simply relax and get
used to the idea that everything might be fake?

Last year the movie version of the beloved Christmas tale
"The Polar Express" came out. The movie, which was
poorly reviewed — largely because the computer-generated
people in the movie looked creepy (an assessment with which
I agree) — and because it had padded out what was essentially
a very succinctly written fable.

It was strange, though, when the actors tried to explain
the process of the filming, which was something called "captured
performance." This meant their bodies were wired up,
the movements recorded on a computer, and then those detailed
records of the bodily movements were used to create the computerized
"performances" on the screen.

I remember thinking: Why didn’t they just film the actors?
What is this business of recording the movements, then recreating
them through a computer? It was as though the performances
wouldn’t be considered real unless they had been replicated
digitally. And from what I saw of the film, neither the actors’
movements nor their faces looked real at all. (But it does
beg another question: When a movie created entirely inside
a computer finally gets put out on DVD, in what dimension
does that movie actually exist?)

I think it is a very tricky thing to start altering the reality
around us. We need to trust what we see, of course, but we’ve
already started to question that. I can understand and even
appreciate the cleverness of using this new technology to
send a message to consumers, but it reminds me of that line
in "Jurassic Park" — a movie reference that is
appropriate enough — when Jeff Goldblum asks if even though
something can be done, should it be done?

Some self-governance is needed here. There are all kinds
of things that can be done, but should we, for the sake of
how we relate to our world, and how we fix our own place in
it? A thousand years ago a sailor could get across the ocean
by looking at the stars and trusting what he saw. There was
no questioning the reality of the stars, or the information
they provided. The same stars are there, but these fixed points
almost seem antiquated now, obsolete — certainly not terribly
sophisticated or fancy — and we certainly don’t use them
to find our way in the world any more. We have a GPS for that.

Well, I wish I still had that Playboy Playmate picture. Not
that I have any affection for the photo, or the woman in it,
but so many years have passed since I first got it, and I’ve
been faked out a million times by what I thought I’ve seen
since then, that I’d like to see the picture again just to
make sure that that brief adolescent encounter I thought I
had actually happened.

Lars Trodson can be reached at larstrodson@comcast.net.

Lars
Trodson archives

Comments (0) Jan 17 2006

Bush whacked in HumorFeed contest

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Bush
whacked in HumorFeed contest

By
Geraldo Rivera

More bad news for President Bush today as 4 out of 10 fake
news organizations selected as semifinalists in the first-ever
HumorFeed
satire contest
lambasted George W. as dumb, dumber,
ruthless and insensitive.

"President
Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French,"
reported
BSNews, noting that Bush got $25 million for this "fixer
upper," double what the U.S. paid back in 1803. Bush
said he would have done more to rescue poor people from hurricane-ravaged
New Orleans, if he knew that poor people existed, according
to Opinions You Should Have ("Existence
of Poor People A Surprise, Says Bush"
).

The
president is exposed as the head of violent Christian extremist
organization in an exclusive report from Brainsnap titled
"Christian
Fundamentalists Suspected of Terrorist Bombings."
And
he is portrayed as a bumbling moron devoid of common sense
in the Avant News scoop "President
Bush Paints Self Into Corner."
Asked if he had
learned anything from his experience, Bush said nope.

Other semifinalists deal with technology (a Microsoft
anti-spyware parody
from BBspot), science ("Scientists
Discover Most Boring Substance Ever"
by John
Fanzine) and English royalty (Prince
Charles and Camilla wedding red tape
from the Department
of Social Scrutiny).

In "Terri
Schiavo Dies; Congress Orders Feeding Tube Reinserted,"

Confusion Road reported that Vice President Dick Cheney, who
has been clinically dead several times in the past four years
and, according to some, may still be so, said, "If someone
tried to remove my feeding tube, I’d be furious."

The death of the pontiff set off a chain reaction of pandemonium
and destruction in the Studio 8 Entertainment report "Popeless
World Plunges Into Chaos."
And finally, sex sells
tsunamis in The Fake News exclusive "One
Hot White Chick Injured in Tsunami Disasters,"

which points out that the tragedy also claimed the lives of
some 200,000 non-supermodels.

The
10 semifinalists were chosen by a vote of member sites, who
each submitted their best story of the year. Click
here to see all the entries.

The
top 10 will now be reviewed by a panel of judges
from
the increasingly converging worlds of journalism and humor.
The top three winners will be announced on February 1. For
more information contact E.F. Watley, editor@watleyreview.com

Comments (0) Jan 17 2006

Sick boy’s parent sue God

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Sick
boy’s parents sue God

By
John Breneman

The parents of a Massachusetts boy have filed a $4.5 million
lawsuit against God, alleging that the Creator willfully caused
their son to be born with leukemia, rickets and a gimpy heart.

Fred and Martha Blass of Wrentham, Mass., claim the Lord
violated the "All men are created equal" clause
of U.S. law by denying their son his "inalienable right"
to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Attorneys for the Lord (aka Him, The Almighty, Notorious
G.O.D., The Man Upstairs, Omnipotent Holy Kahuna) accused
the Blass family of blasphemy and filed a motion for dismissal,
calling the case "an arbitrary and capricious bit of
satire."

Theological spokesmoron Rev. Pat Robertson suggested the
parents brought their misfortunes upon themselves by openly
supporting same-sex marriage and Israel’s pullout from Gaza.
He advised them to drop their case or be struck dead by lightning
bolts.

Robertson (aka The
Sermonator
) also warned activist judges and trial
lawyers to "back off" or risk being swarmed by flesh-eating
locusts.

Legal experts say the case represents the first instance
of "theological malpractice" since 2001, when 500
Indonesian residents filed an unsuccessful class-action suit
against God for wiping out their village with a tsunami.

Related stories:
God
announces plan to cut non-essential humans
— Sept.
26, 2005

Bush
received faulty intelligence from God
— July 14,
2004

Comments (0) Jan 16 2006

Hate exercise? Hire an exorcist

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Hate
exercise? Hire an exorcist

By
Dr. Newt Trishon

Today’s topic: How to shed those unwanted pounds of blubber
we all put on during the holidays.

Many noted experts say the secret is diet and exercise.

That’s right, some would have you believe you must limit
the amount of junk (the official nutritional term is "shit")
that you shove into your yawning piehole AND find it within
your lethargic soul to rise up off your lazy ass and engage
in some annoying regimen involving actual physical activity.

Well, fortunately there are plenty of crackpot alternatives.
For example, many people find they just don’t have much of
an appetite for exercise. For these torpid lard-cans, the
answer is simple: Hire an exorcist.

A competent exorcist can be found in the Yellow Pages (under
"Satanic consultants"). For a reasonable fee, the
exorcist will summon the powers of the underworld to literally
"burn those extra pounds away." And, you can eat
as much charred flesh of the dead as you desire.

There are also surgical options to consider, though it is
important to warn you that liposuction is for suckers and
gastric bypass is passé.

Instead, try this revolutionary new method described in the
January edition of the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

It’s
called a Staple-Gunectomy.

Simply press the loaded staple gun against your abdomen, fix
your face in a determined grimace, and fire away. Five or
six staples will usually do the trick.

Of course, there are many other valid approaches to "slashing
the old spare tire."
The Humor
Gazette Diet
is a proven favorite that has survived
the test of time and litigation.

Editor’s
note:
Readers are invited to share diet tips and ideas
for "dumping that extra kiloton" in the Comments
section below.

Related stories:
The
People vs. Ronald McDonald
July 30, 2002

Ronald
McDonald undergoes ‘McMakeover’
June 10, 2005

Tang,
sweet Tang
July 27, 2005

Comments (0) Jan 13 2006

Bush’s 2006 resolutions

Posted: under Uncategorized.

President Bush’s resolutions for 2006

The Humor Gazette has obtained
a top-secret imaginary White House

document that details President
Bush’s "New Year’s Resolutions" for ’06:

1.
Ride
my bike more

2. Stay the course (no booze and
coke)

3. Tell
Rummy he’s doin’ a heckuva job

4. Continue
to "think about Iraq every day"

5.
Figure out who’s askin’ for it worse: Iran or North Korea

6.
Keep eye out for bin Laden

7.
Cut down on funds paid to conservative media figures to spread
propaganda

8.
Clear more brush

9. Remember to emit "9/11"
at least three times in every speech

10.
(from Rummy) destigmatize "secret prisons" by referring
to them as "detainee information processing facilities"

11.
Keep world safe for Jesus-based democracy

12.
Don’t forget Rolls Royce for Prince Abdullah’s birthday (!!)

13. Keep more junk secret (like wiretaps
and stuff)

14.
Work on excellent, new variations of the smirk

Related story:
New
Year’s resolution: kick Pez addiction
Jan. 18,
2005

Comments (0) Jan 11 2006

Li’l Abner hurt in meth lab blast

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Li’l
Abner hurt in meth lab blast

By John Breneman

Comic book icon Abner Yokum (aka Li’l Abner) was injured
in a meth lab blast on the outskirts of Dogpatch, Arkansas,
police said.

Sources say the Dogpatch SWAT Team converged on a remote
tarpaper drug laboratory after reports of an explosion and
found Mr. Abner covered in black soot with smoke rising from
his trademark pompadour.

Dogpatch District Attorney Bubba T. Cornpone said Mr. Abner,
who also suffered a stoved-in head and lost three of his four
remaining teeth, has not yet been charged in the incident
pending a full investigation.

Mr. Abner’s attorney said his client, an illiterate professional
mattress tester, "knowed nuthin’ about no drug labber-tory."
Daisy Mae is wanted for questioning but sources say she has
"packed off to Cal-uh-FOR-nee" to pitch her script
for "Li’l Abner: The Movie." Mammy and Pappy Yokum
could not be reached fer comment.

Editor’s note: According to Lil-Abner.com,
"Li’l Abner was the title character in the beloved, long-running
(1934-1977) syndicated newspaper strip by cartoonist Al
Capp
. Hardly li’l, Abner was a hulking, naive man-child,
and the frequent foil for Capp’s satiric stories about American
life and politics."

Any connection between the real fictional Li’l
Abner and the fictional Li’l Abner described above is purely
… fictional.

Related
story:

Speed
Racer busted for speeding,
possession of speed

Comments (0) Jan 09 2006

Sermonator strikes again

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Sermonator

strikes again

By John Breneman

And the Rev. Pat Robertson preacheth today that the Lord
smote, or "capped," Israeli Prime Minister Ariel
Sharon for messing with His turf.

The Sermonator has spoken.

Robertson, who last year hatched a plot to whack
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
, wrapped up his sermon-op
by calling for a few assassinations and a drive-by excommunication. Possible upcoming targets on the Sermonator’s hit list include
a fistful of Iranian antichrists and North Korean nuke-slinger
Kim Jong Il.

Meanwhile a source close to the Lord said the Big Guy is eyeing Rev. Robertson for a possible massive heart attack. In a related development, Robertson’s plan to draw attention
to himself by issuing moronic statements is working quite
nicely.

Related story:
Robertson
suggests God smote Sharon
CNN

"Serial
smiter’s … righteous rampage"
Ridiculopathy

Comments (0) Jan 06 2006

Fake Quotes of the Year: 2005

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Fake Quotes of Year: 2005

"I
thought it would be a gas."

Prince Harry, attributing his decision to attend a costume
party dressed as a Nazi to a combination of booze, ecstasy
and crack (Jan. 14, "When Harry met Nazi")


"This
is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat
for man’s innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction."

Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp,
in the Jan. 27 exclusive "Global warming caused by increased
activity in Hell"


"That
guy kills me. Axis of Evil, bring ’em on, dead or alive. He’s
got a million of ’em."

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il,
speaking of President Bush in the Feb. 11 story "Gunfight
at the WMD Corrall."


"I
admit I was skeptical, didn’t believe I could lose weight
by combining unusual delicacies like goat beef and Lucky Charms
cereal. But before I knew it, that extra quarter-ton of blubber
had disappeared and my skin hung on me like a cheap radiation
suit."

Patti Arbuckle,
on losing 452 lbs. with The Humor Gazette Diet (Feb. 25)


"These
cows must seek professional help to confront their inner rage."

Dr. Milton Shepherd of the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
commenting in the March 7 story "Mad cows sent to anger
management"


"Michael
Jackson is being persecuted by the imperialist running dogs
of the U.S. media-industrial complex."

Saddam Hussein, media pundit (March 21)


"Gotcha.
Heh-heh. You been punk’d."

President Bush to a pack of slack-jawed media jackals
(April 1, "President ‘punked’ press, public with Iraq
gag")


"Those
teachers didn’t care if you could read. As long as you demonstrated
intense hatred of the American pig-dogs they would just pass
you on to the next grade. In fact when I was in sixth grade,
I was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."

Wak-Jaab al-Jalopy,
describing how their fanatically anti-American education
has left many Muslim extremists hopelessly stupid (July 22)


"That’s
why they call him
al Qaeda’s ‘number-two man’ — because he’s a cowardly piece
of (bleep)."

FBI spokesman John Doe,
speaking of Ayman al-Zawahiri after the terror leader released
a videotaped message (Aug. 5)


"Don’t
get me started on Allah. I’m going to make him an offer he
can’t refuse."

Rev. Pat Robertson,
aka "The Sermonator"
(Aug. 29)


"The
pump price for unleaded has increased the cost of pumping
a punk full of lead."

Noted gangland economist Notorious S.T.P.,
commenting on the Sept. 9 story "Gas prices impact ‘drive-by’
shootings"


"’Thou
shalt not kill’ just doesn’t resonate with the modern generation
today. We’re thinking of changing it to, ‘Don’t friggin’ kill
each other you morons.’"

Ward O’DeLord, PR spokesman for God
("God announces plan to cut non-essential humans,"
Sept. 26)


"He
was always a jerk. When we were kids he used to he used to
put a bag over my head and threaten to chop my arms off. He
even beheaded our gerbil, Lil Pete."

Abu
"Bob" al-Zarqawi,
younger brother of terrorist dickhead
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (Nov. 25)


"I
am Saddam.
Saddam I am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham."

Saddam Hussein,
pleading insanity (Nov. 28)


"Both
cheeks were totaled in the attack. Those wolverines really
wrecked ’em."

Dr. Francois Butay,
French ass transplant surgeon (Dec. 5)


Real Quotes of the Year: 2005

"I
think about Iraq every day."

President Bush (June 20)


"Brownie,
you’re doin’ a heck of a job."

President Bush (Sept. 2)

Comments (0) Jan 04 2006

Bush has Iraq-tile Dysfunction

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Bush suffers from
Iraq-tile Dysfunction

By
John Breneman

President Bush may suffer from a rare medical condition called
Iraq-tile Dysfunction. This according to an anonymous whistle-blower
close to the president’s unit.

Symptoms are said to include limp oratory, feeble rhetoric
and droopy poll numbers.

"Lame-duck presidents are particularly vulnerable to
feelings of impotence," said former Republican presidential
nominee Bob Dole. "Some days you’re trying like heck to nail an insurgency
but you feel like you’re just shooting blanks."

One expert in presidential sexual disorders says that with
proper medication, President Bush should be able to regain
his spunky, confident smirk* in no time. "A fistful of
Viagra, a couple Levitra and ole W’ll be riding Osama bin
Laden like a rodeo cowboy," said William J. Clinton,
noted former U.S. commander-in-beef.

According
to the latest poll, President Bush’s flaccid approval rating
could grow depending on the outcome of the recent Iraqi erection.

* Seek immediate medical care if smirk lasts longer than
four years.

Related stories:
Preparation
W: For fast, temporary relief from a pain-in-the-ass president

Rummy
does Cialis
May 25, 2004

Comments (0) Jan 02 2006