First ass transplant

Posted: under Uncategorized.

French
doctors perform first ass transplant

By
John Breneman

PARIS — French doctors have shocked the medical world by
performing the world’s first successful ass transplant. The
patient: an obese man whose original buttocks was disfigured
when he was attacked by wolverines while eating beef jerky.

Claude Derriere came through the surgery well and is now
under round-the-clock observation to make sure his body does
not reject the ass — or, even more important, that the new
gluteus maximus does not reject him.

The crack team of ass surgeons used a state-of-the-art croquet
mallet to anesthetize the 300-pound patient before slapping
on the considerably smaller donor buttocks, harvested from
a Chippendale’s dancer who was killed in a bizarre accident
involving a top hat, a walking stick and five unidentified
gerbils.

Doctors encountered several complications during the nine-hour
operation, including periodic blasts of flatulence described
as "heinous." Efforts to salvage part of the man’s
original can were unsuccessful.

"Both cheeks were totaled in the attack. Those wolverines
really wrecked ’em," said Dr. Francois Butay, noting
that surgeons were forced to use polyurethane putty, roofing
tar and an ordinary household caulking gun to help secure
the donor ass.

Doctors
say Mssr. Derriere should be able to live a fairly normal
life, once his loved ones get used to the constant odor of
industrial waste. But he has been told he will definitely
need an ass lift in several years and, of course, biannual
injections of Botox in the buttocks.

Related story:
Everything
is hazardous to your health

Comments (0) Dec 05 2005

Holiday health tips

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Holiday
health tips

By John Breneman

— Using a phony-looking, artificial tree instead of a nice,
freshly killed natural tree may reduce your risk of being
consumed in a "Christmas conflagration" by up to
3.2%.

— Never attempt to "catch" a gingerbread man,
especially if it is running … running … as fast
as it can. (See related story: "Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase.")

— If a large, bearded man clad in red gains entrance to
your home through the chimney, hold your fire until you can
ascertain whether or not he is "the real Santa Claus."

— Drinking more than three 10-oz. glasses of spiked egg
nog may inhibit your ability to operate heavy machinery.

— Setting foot in a mall greatly increases your risk of
being crushed and/or trampled by angry mobs of "holiday
shoppers." (See related story: "Three slain in Wal-Mart
Xbox incident")

— Mincemeat is an excellent source of riboflavin

— Failure to be "nice" during the year may reduce
the quantity of material positions you are eligible to receive
later this month.

— Consuming three or more gooey marshmallow treats greatly
reduces your risk of being afflicted with SDD (Sugar Deficit
Disorder).

— "Popping" holiday bubble wrap can provide hours
of fun for all ages, but it can also kill a baby.

— Eating too much foodstuff described as "yummy"
can cause problems in your "tummy."

— Conduct a thorough background check before exposing your
child to a seemingly benevolent "department store Santa."

Related story:
Shop
and awe
— Dec. 3, 2004

Comments (4) Dec 02 2005

Saddam pleads insanity

Posted: under Uncategorized.

‘Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity

By John Breneman

BAGHDAD — Charged with attempted genocide and first-degree crimes against
humanity, a defiant Saddam Hussein today pleaded "temporary
insanity" — a defense strategy built around the fact
that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately
12,465 times since Sept. 11, 2001.

Hussein, clad in a grey suit with no pants and oversized
polka dot clown briefs, denounced the tribunal, berated the
judge, then jumped onto the floor and performed the "Curly
shuffle" while emitting high-pitched whooping noises.

"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."

Prosecutors conceded that Bush called the defendant a "madman,"
but said the president was beating the term into the ground
"rhetorically," much like the words "weapons
of mass destruction" and "links to al-Qaeda."

The prosecution is calling for the triple death penalty —
hanging then gassing, followed by stoning. The defense reportedly
has offered to plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter and
digging mass graves without a permit.

Wearing a bloody glove on his right hand and a sequined glove
on his left, Hussein shouted "It wasn’t me!" and
blamed the dozens of lookalikes he once used to absorb assassins’
bullets. He pleaded with the judge to release him with an
ankle bracelet so he could begin his search for "the
real genocidal maniac."

Motion denied, the madman called for a brief recess so he
could go out to the parking lot and play some kickball.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Prosecutors say the Humor Gazette
may be called to testify about conversations related to its
May 23, 2005 exclusive
"Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs."

Related
stories:

A CNN/Al-Jazeera poll revealed
Hussein’s approval rating is at an all-time low.

Legal analysts speculate that several other Gazette/IBS News
scoops may also come up during the much-anticipated next "Trial
of the Century," including:

"Rumsfeld
links Saddam Hussein to … Rumsfeld"

June 11, 2004

Saddam
Hussein seeking work as a media pundit
March
21, 2005

Saddam
and Osama adopted shaved-ape baby
Oct. 28, 2003

Hussein
pulls lawsuit out of briefs case
May 25, 2005

Saddam
loses shirt in stock market
July 19, 2002

Also today, a
sneak peek at the Iraqi Constitution.

Comments (0) Nov 28 2005

Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls

By
John Breneman

Faced with plummeting poll numbers, al-Qaeda douchebag Abu
Musab al-Zarqawi is thinking of quitting terrorism to become
a used car dealer.

A new study reveals that now that he is bombing his own people
nearly everyone has turned against al-Zarqawi, including his
own family. Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating has sunk to 3 percent
and there are unconfirmed reports that the bigshot terror
honcho may actually be a sniveling little sissy.

The U.S. has placed a $25 million bounty on al-Zarqawi’s
ass and is offering a $500 reward to anyone who punches him
in the face.

"He was always a jerk," said younger brother Abu
"Bob" al-Zarqawi. "When we were kids he used
to he used to put a bag over my head and threaten to chop
my arms off. He even beheaded our gerbil, Lil Pete."

U.S. intelligence sources say al-Zarqawi, known for his hideous
garlic breath, yellow teeth and uncontrollable dandruff, is
also a Level 3 sex offender with a fondness for young donkeys.

Related stories:
Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung
Aug.
5, 2005

Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick
June 6,
2005

London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks

July 8, 2005

Comments (0) Nov 25 2005

Bush pardons turkey

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Lame duck pardons turkey

By John Breneman

President Bush today pardoned a turkey that had been indicted
by a federal grand jury for leaking a highly classified U.S.
government cranberry sauce recipe.

The president then thanked the feisty, feathered beast for
its service to the country and awarded it the Congressional
Medal of Freedom. The bird, identified only as "Tom Doe,"
was also pardoned for attempting to sexually assault the president
during the photo-op.

Democrats reflexively gathered outside the White House to
protest the pardon, the war, White House malfeasance and Bush’s
smirking face. One man waved a banner calling the president
"soft on turkeyism."

President Bush is reportedly holed up at his ranch/bunker
in Crawford, Texas, where he is said to be excited about an
opportunity to "clear some brush."

The turkey is literally "going to Disneyland" —
resting its wings on a first-class flight to California to
serve as honorary
grand marshal in Disneyland’s annual Thanksgiving Day parade
.

Related story:
Thanksgiving
down off’m Greenleaf Parsons Road

Thanksgiving
blessing #1 and #2

Comments (0) Nov 23 2005

Gazette hate mail

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Gazette targeted by extremist hate speech

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette has learned that the Humor Gazette has
been targeted by a right-ring republofascist hate group for
its apparently rage-inducing
criticism of President Bush
.

Publisher Arturo DiMaunchie confirmed that the influential
satire publication received an email containing the words
"strap a bomb to yourself" and "you fucking
asshole."

A person identifying himself as "(Flaming Douchebag)"
claimed responsibility for the mini-manifesto. Authorities
are withholding the actual name of the perpetrator pending
a probe by the Department of Poetic Justice. The full text
of the message is printed below:

why don’t you just strap a bomb to yourself and go blow
up a bunch of innocent people. obviously you sympathize with
Islamofacists, so why not adopt the same tactics.
You fucking asshole.

Publisher DiMaunchie said he fortified security at Humor
Gazette headquarters in Manhattan and its satellite offices
in Los Angeles, Islamabad and Gaza. He said the company also
has taken the precaution of hiring a middle-school kid to
screen its mail for anthrax.

DiMaunchie vowed that the Humor Gazette will not "cut
and run" from its mission of poking fun at President
Bush and his misleadership. A source close to the guy who
screens all media for Bush and gives him a daily 25-word synopsis
said the president welcomes constructive criticism and often
chokes on a pretzel laughing at Humor Gazette headlines. (The
Gazette
"endorsed" Bush
in August 2004.)

Speaking
from an undisclosed location, DiMaunchie said: "We will
stay the course because the world must be made safe for irreverent,
even subversive humor. Anything less would be a shot to the
groin of the First Amendment and a victory for the satire-haters."

Here is the offending commentary: Bush
flees to Asia
Nov. 14, 2005

EDITOR’S NOTE: The first comment below is the
text of another recent message from an agitated reader. This
guy is fairly reasonable in presenting an opposing perspective
(which I encourage and appreciate), yet he can’t resist belittling
me as a "simpleton" (which I suppose, arguably,
I am).

I’ve never fully understood the personal attack stuff coming
from readers who disagree with the ideas presented, though
I do find most of it hilarious and believe it reveals much
more about the writer than his/her intended target. Your thoughts?

Comments (0) Nov 21 2005

Capitalist piggy banks

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Capitalist
piggy banks

NEW YORK — Stocks, bonds, T-Bills and mutual funds continued
their decline today as Wall Street reeled from an unprecedented
surge of investment in piggy banks.

Leading analysts interpret this as a sign that investors
have finally figured out that the stock market is a gigantic
sham and therefore are opting to horde their money in colorful
pig-shaped receptacles made of plastic and ceramics.

"People now realize that most high-finance executives
are greedy swine and that the market can no longer be counted
upon to ‘bring home the bacon,’" said Bubba Pennington
of John Hamcock Financial Services. "They’d rather slip
their hard-earned money into piggy banks than slop it into
the corporate feeding trough."

Brown-chip stocks and pork futures also rose sharply, with
brisk trading of Piggly Wiggly, MicroSty and Tenderloin Technologies.

But shares of AOL Time Warthog continued to plummet amid
frenzied activity on the trading floor, where Wall Street
brokers wallowed in discarded slips of paper while squealing
like scared little capitalist piglets.

Comments (0) Nov 18 2005

Bush flees to Asia

Posted: under News.

Bush
flees to Asia

By John Breneman

His approval numbers sinking like a Siberian thermometer
at dusk, President Bush today fled to Asia for his eight-day
"Democracy Rocks/Terror Sucks" tour. The president
told Americans not to worry: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove will
be in charge while he’s gone.

Using exotic Asian backdrops, Bush plans to duck his mounting
woes by crowing about his early-bird perch on the avian flu
pandemic and parroting his new "my critics are trying
to rewrite history" soundbite.

Commenting on his record-low approval rating of 36 percent,
Bush repeated what he told the Humor
Gazette in May 2004
, saying the poll numbers "send
the wrong message to our troops" and accusing unpatriotic
poll respondents of trying to "weaken our resolve."

Bush plans to sing the praises of democracy from Japan to
Mongolia and exchange winks and smirks with China about human
rights. Among the places President Bush will not stop during
his trip: Baghdad, Kabul, Teheran and Pyongyang.

While he is away, the president’s crack team of spin doctors
will try to reverse his ailing numbers by pointing out that
his "insufferable jackass" rating has skyrocketed
to 64 percent.

More good news: Bush’s approval rating is a robust
94% among those who believe it was a super idea to bust into
Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest of the world,
no clue that the welcome parade would be a military funeral
procession, no idea that his action would actually fuel the
international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize
this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get the
hell out.

Comments (0) Nov 14 2005

"Comics" By Lars Trodson

Posted: under lars.

Of
Calvin & Hobbes, Andy Capp and Van Gogh

By
Lars Trodson

It’s a strange world, inside those little boxes on the comics
page.

This was brought to mind a couple of weeks back when my friend
Don Kerr wrote in his column "The
Culling"
about the creator of Calvin and Hobbes
who walked away from it all 10 years ago. I liked what Don
wrote, although I disagreed with it, and it got me to thinking
about this odd three-paneled landscape that causes so much
passion among people. More on what Don wrote later, but first:

As a newspaper editor for many years, there are several things
that can really destroy an editor’s day and they are a) screwing
up the lottery numbers, b) screwing up an obituary (not a
minor thing), c) not running the crossword puzzle answers
and d) making a decision to stop running a particular comic.

Newspaper editors have now more or less opted out of this
last debate. When the time comes to crease out a comic, editors
usually do a reader’s poll to see which comic comes out on
top, and then they can throw up their hands and say: "It
wasn’t my choice!"

I suppose if you lament how fast our world is changing then
one can always look to the comics page for reassurance that
there are some things that never really change. Some newspapers
are still running "Peanuts," which I find both disturbing
and sad. Other comics such as "Beetle Bailey" or
"Family Circus" became family affairs, in which
a child of the creator has taken on the mantle of pushing
what is an anachronism — taking what is essentially a 1930s
radio sitcom, say, such as "Blondie" — and wedging
it into the 21st century. Somehow.

I can remember, in my 20s, laughing out loud to a comic called
"Bloom County" but other than that they never really
made me laugh. In my childhood, when I did read the page both
in the daily paper, which back then was the evening edition
of the Providence Journal, and in the Sunday paper, I found
it a playground full of boozers, misogynists, awkward slapstick,
hedonism, treacly sentimentality and tedious soap operas,
such as Prince Valiant, which gave you the scantiest of plot
developments possible in a few panels of ink.

People
my age will recall the sweet surrealism of "Nancy,"
penned by the estimable Ernie Bushmiller, which chronicled,
even in my day, the hapless exploits of two youngsters trapped
inside the obstacles posed by growing up in the Great Depression.
Sluggo may have been anti-social, but he really didn’t impress
me as much as H. Rap Brown or any of the other firebrands
parading across the news pages in 1968.

At some point, in the early 1970s, came "Doonesbury,"
which was difficult to digest. I didn’t quite get the "Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty!" liberalism of that strip at the time.
I wasn’t drawn to it. Rather, each night at the dinner table
in my house I was exposed to the points of view of my father,
the former Marine, who was a conservative Republican, and
my mother, who was a Connecticut liberal and who had hung
a small poster on the cupboard of the kitchen that said: "War
is not healthy for children or other living things."
You can imagine the conversation.

My dad, in those long-gone days of the middle 1960s and early
1970s, was also a drinker (a very, very bad habit he gave
up in 1972), so the late-night brawls of Andy Capp both fascinated
and repelled me. When Andy walked home in the middle of the
night intoxicated I didn’t necessarily find that funny, I
kind of used it to validate my own landscape.

It
was around this time I noticed that an abnormal amount of
drinking went on in the comics page: Gen. Halftrack of "Beetle
Bailey" was always swilling a martini while ogling Miss
Buxley. Hagar the Horrible always seemed to have a mug of
beer, there were the genial domestic hijinks in "Hi and
Lois," in the "Wizard of Id" there was a court
jester who was constantly smashed and the overstuffed reporters
in "Shoe" had a tree-loft bar where they always
seemed to retire.

I thought, this is a very strange atmosphere for a child.
I imagine things have changed, however. But when I looked
at the comics page the other day there was some offhand swearing
(In one comic some kids are watching TV and one says, "This
program inhales." In the next panel, the mother says
to the father "I told him not to use the S* word in front
of the other children." At first I thought the word was
"shit," but then I realized it was "sucks."
No matter, vices still abound on the comics page.

Given that so much of the behavior on that page is mummified
and unfunny, it is no wonder my friend D. Allan Kerr of "The
Culling" fame writes with admiration about how the artist
behind "Calvin and Hobbes" decided to split the
game at the top of his craft.

Comics artists, much like politicians, don’t know when to
leave the stage. Perhaps they are congenitally unable to,
so it is a relief and an anomaly when one decides to break
from the pack.

But to say, as Don did, that this is a stamp of artistic
integrity is a bit off the mark. Bill Watterson apparently
dropped the insanely popular strip in 1995 and walked away.
I have a vague memory of the child and his stuffed animal,
but since I didn’t read it I never became a fan. I was too
busy emulating my heroes in "Shoe" to notice what
was going on.

Don writes: "The truth is, the artist has to eat and
pay bills to survive. And yeah, it’d be nice to get some appreciation
every once in a while, too. The trick is in doing so without
selling yourself out. That’s why Bill Watterson should be
an inspiration to anyone with any serious artistic inclination."

One has to get rich and famous to walk away from it, and
then of course, once you are rich, it isn’t much of a sacrifice.
Later I learn from Don that Watterson didn’t exactly chuck
it all, he allows, in his artistic purity, his publisher to
issue anthologies of the work, which have sold upwards of
30 million copies. If he really wanted to impress me he’d
stop the machinery altogether and let it live unsullied, as
a little strip once published in your local paper. If you
really were passionate about the strip you could go to your
local library and Xerox that day’s comic out of each daily
edition of the newspaper and collect it that way, I suppose.

Now, Don and I have had a million conversations about the
role of the artist and how much one should commit to the cause.
He and I have always diverged on one simple point, and it
is one that he repeats in his column: "It’s lovely to
romanticize the lonely painter/writer/musician/whatever holed
up in an inner-city apartment or isolated cave, churning out
works of brilliance for the sake of creation, unsullied by
ambition or avarice. We celebrate the concept of the uncompromising
artist, the pure idealist, but who among us is willing to
make the sacrifices such commitment requires?"

Well, a lot of people, including the celebrated Mr. Watterson,
to answer that last question. He was holed up in his garret
drawing strips before he became rich and famous, I would imagine.
But no one, I don’t think, celebrates the artist who works
in obscurity; he’s not really a valid character to emulate
because the end result is unhappy; it means all that work
didn’t pan out. That’s not a good goal.

But what I find, on occasion, is that I marvel at someone
like Van Gogh, whose creativity never wavered despite lacking
that external validation so many of us require — well, that
all of us require in one form or another, no matter what we
do.

To
continue to pursue your singular vision, and end up with a
body of work, despite poverty and despite madness is, to me,
one of those odd miracles of nature. What I, personally, take
away from that is the idea that if Van Gogh can attack an
empty canvas under those circumstances then I certainly can
look at a blank screen and attempt to write despite the fact
I’m feeling a little blue. But I don’t prefer this story.
I wish Van Gogh had gotten known and made a little money in
his own lifetime.

So I’m not rooting for anyone to enter the Posthumously Famous
Hall of Fame. I hate the idea of true brilliance never getting
the proper recognition it deserves. Despite the incredible
opportunities out there for people to work and to write and
to paint, it still happens.

I understand Mr. Watterson walked away from it all, but he
was a millionaire when he did that. Good for him, but I don’t
celebrate and admire that guy so much as I do the guy who
must have taken his idea, this Calvin and Hobbes idea, and
drafted it and refined it and kept at it when no one was looking,
when no one knew if it would ever see the light of day.

Lars Trodson can be reached at larstrodson@comcast.net

Read
more columns by Lars Trodson.

Comments (0) Nov 11 2005

Curious George calls for probe

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Curious George calls for investigation

By
John Breneman

Curious George today demanded a congressional investigation
into the Bush administration’s handling of pre-war intelligence
to justify launching military action against Iraq.

Citing a growing "curiosity" in both the human
and simian communities as to why the nation was guaranteed
Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction when,
in fact, he did not, the adorable children’s book icon suggested
President Bush and his "handlers" may be guilty
of "mischief," or perhaps even outright "monkeyshines."

Anonymous administration insiders dismissed the criticism
as "the banana-fueled rantings of a dirty, ignorant ape"
and leaked the information that Mr. George’s closest associate
is a mysterious "man in a yellow hat."

Karl Rove appeared on "Manipulate the Press" to
claim Mr. George has links to an orangutan terror syndicate,
but was pelted in the face with feces before he could begin
his talking points.

The administration backed away from its early strategy of
discrediting Mr. George by citing his lower standing on the
evolutionary scale when it was realized that President Bush,
despite his uncanny resemblance to a wise-cracking chimp,
does not believe in evolution.

Related stories:
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
March 28, 2004
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Comments (0) Nov 09 2005