Hammer
getting hammered

By John Breneman

Nailed with a new indictment for alleged money laundering
this week, Tom DeLay — the powerful former House majority
leader once known as "The Hammer — now finds himself
just another political tool.

Asked how the indictments might affect DeLay’s status as
a national conservative political figure, one longtime associate,
the rapper MC Hammer, said simply, "You can’t touch this."

However, in addition to relinquishing his duties as majority
leader, DeLay also has been stripped of lucrative endorsement
deals with Craftsman and Arm & Hammer.

"That’s
not the type of laundering we care to be associated with,"
said a spokesman for the wholesome-imaged baking soda and
detergent giant.

The Humor Gazette/IBS News has learned that still more indictments
may be forthcoming against DeLay, as a Texas grand jury weighs
whether to charge him with five counts of being a lousy jerk.

House Speaker Dennis "Needlenose Pliers" Hastert
has selected a temporary replacement for "The Hammer,"
choosing Missouri Rep. Roy "Socket Wrench" Blunt
over California Rep. David "Hot Glue Gun" Dreier.

Bush
pal hits jackpot

By John Breneman

President Bush said today he is "supremely confident"
that nominee Harriet
Miers will be confirmed to the Supreme Court.

Miers has never been a judge but supporters say she is supremely
well-qualified. Her favorite musical group is The Supremes
and she subsists primarily on Pizza Hut Super Supreme pizza,
though there is little or no paper trail on what toppings
she prefers. She also has a cat named Oliver Wendell Holmes
and a schnauzer named Bork.

Currently serving as White House counsel, Miers has a reputation
as a shrewd lawyer who has spent much of her career being
appointed to various positions by George W. Bush, starting
with the Texas Lottery Commission in 1994.

Asked if the selection of a longtime friend who once gave
personal legal advice to Bush smacked of cronyism, a White
House spokesman pointed out that in selecting Miers the president
passed up an opportunity to nominate his brother, his dad
and several cousins.

Described in 1996 by Bush as "a pit bull in size 6 shoes,"
Miers is being compared favorably to both William Howard Taft
("Hippo in a Size XXXL Robe") and the woman she
is nominated to replace, Sandra Day "Wolverine Protecting
Her Young" O’Connor. Her idol is said to be the distinguished
former Chief Justice Joseph
Albert Wapner and she once did pro bono work for Sonny
Bono.

However, critics say Miers’ lack of a judicial track record
makes her a "stealth candidate" and raises concerns
that she might be a strict neo-originalistic anti-Darwinian
constructionist. Democrats have already asked for records
of her work in the White House and Sen. Ted Kennedy has reportedly
demanded samples of her brain tissue.

During
the upcoming confirmation hearings, Democratic senators are
expected to employ a variety of tactics — including intense
questioning, badgering, tickling, sodium pentathol and genital
electrodes — to get Miers to reveal her opinion on Roe v.
Wade, the landmark 1973 decision upholding the right of all
fetuses to own a gun.

Related stories:
Judge
Roberts faces abortion litmus test — July 29,
2005

Court pick seen as victory for oppressed white Christian male
— July 20, 2005

Bush linked to hemorrhoid controversy

The
White House today issued a statement denying that President
Bush faltered during the crucial early phase of Hurricane
Katrina because he was busy making ads for a new medication
used to treat hemorrhoids.

Critics claim this is yet another example of Bush doing favors
for his cronies in the powerful anti-hemorrhoids industry
and have called for a probe on whether he profited from his
alleged endorsement of a product called Preparation W.

However, a spokesman pointed out that the ad actually makes
the president look like a jackass and is probably a "partisan
attack" from some latte-drinking, liberal satirist.

Preparation W, the ad claims, "relieves the painful
burning, itching and discomfort associated with President
Bush and his policies." The fine print says it "helps
shrink swollen budget deficits" and "prevents further
insurgency in the affected area."

Sen. Ted Kennedy declined to comment on the controversy over
Preparation W and its promise of "fast, temporary relief
from a pain-in-the-ass president." But sources say the
Massachusetts Democrat has discreetly inquired about ordering
five cartons.

DeLay named ‘Big House’ Majority Leader

By
John Breneman

A Texas grand jury today charged Rep. Tom
DeLay with political dirty tricks and campaign finance
chicanery.

Leading House Democrats responded by issuing the following
brief statement: "Ha, ha."

DeLay, who is pretending to be innocent, faces a potential
two-year prison sentence, though some Democrats have called
for him to be hanged.

When informed of his indictment, DeLay reportedly headbutted
a sheriff’s deputy and carjacked a White Bronco before surrendering
to TV bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman.

DeLay, an outspoken Texas conservative known for his colorful
Ten Commandments underwear and devious money-laundering schemes,
is accused of playing God with state and national politics.

In an unrelated development, DeLay announced he plans to
relinquish his post as House majority leader, citing a desire
to "spend more quality time with my defense attorneys."

God
announces plan to
cut non-essential humans

By John Breneman

Citing a burgeoning, unruly populace and dwindling natural
resources, God today unveiled a plan to streamline the operations
of Planet Earth Inc. by eliminating an estimated 30 million
positions.

A PR spokesman for the Lord said He is "sick and tired"
of humans abusing His bountiful creation and breaking all
Ten Commandments as if they weren’t even etched in stone.

"’Thou shalt not kill’ just doesn’t resonate with the
modern generation today," said Ward O’DeLord. "We’re
thinking of changing it to, ‘Don’t friggin’ kill each other
you morons.’"

Man’s self-destructive behavior, it seems, has put the Heavenly
Bossman in a smiting mood.

"The hurricanes are just the beginning. The Big Guy
just goes like this," said DeLord, pursing his lips and
blowing a puff of air. "Oh, there’s gonna be tsunamis,
pestilence, 40 days and 40 nights of monsoon acid rain. He’s
considering a Category 5 locust infestation on Wall Street."

A source close to God’s assistant undersecretary for human
affairs said certain categories of people are targeted to
receive a lightning bolt in the ass, among them psychopaths,
pedophile priests and terrorist
nimrods. As part of the downsizing, arrogant politicians
and corporate criminals around the world will be getting the
old cardiac pink slip.

The Celestial Enquirer is reporting that the Omniscient One’s
long-term vision calls for a United Nations-like governmental
and economic agency led by a bipartisan coalition of chimps
and dolphins.

Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent

By
John Breneman

Imagine the dangerous aroma of a freshly fired 9mm semiautomatic
handgun. Blend in the rich, pungent aroma of a burlap sack
stuffed with $100 bills. Now add a delightfully naughty whiff
of urban skank ho.

Introducing 50 Scent — a gangsta-licious new fragrance created
by platinum-toothed rapper 50 Cent.

Just dab some on your neck, behind your ear and all around
your groin area to drive the ladies wild. Or slather some
on that unsightly machete scar to make old wounds with sizzle
with brutish sensuality.

"Mr. 50 is a smart businessman. He know he can slap
his name and picture on any damn thing and sell millions,"
said a high-ranking member of the rapper’s entourage, pausing
briefly to shoot a young man who got too close to 50 Cent’s
security phalanx.

"I mean just look at P. Diddy. That (bleep) can go the
bathroom, take a big old crap and sell it for $100. Call it
P. Shizzle."

Negotiations are reportedly under way to create a whole line
of 50 Cent products ranging from guns, knives and numchucks
to bath beads, potpourri and exfoliating creams. Coming
soon: a hedonistic aftershave with complimentary straight
razor.

50 Scent is available at a perfume counter near you.
Manufacturer’s suggested retail price: 50 Dollar.

Related story:
Scent
of a pop tart: Britney’s new fragrance — Dec.
15, 2004

Trump to Bush: ‘You’re fired’

By
John Breneman

Donald Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom
today to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America
Inc.

"You’re fired."

The superstar New York developer cushioned the blow by saying
he might be able to find something for Bush as a mid-level
executive in one of his shell companies or perhaps "clearing
brush" outside one of his skyscrapers.

"For a guy with a bachelor’s from Yale and an MBA from
Harvard, you don’t have much sense, do you?" said Trump,
who seemed to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping
the axe on the slack-jawed former president.

Trump said Bush had already been on thin ice for leading
his organization into an expensive, high-risk war that offered
little potential for return on the massive investment of taxpayer
money.

But the final straw was the recent fiasco surrounding the
botched federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Like many Americans,
Trump also seemed bothered that the White House misled the
world about weapons of destruction.

After sleeping on what he said was a difficult decision,
the man known as "The Donald" woke up, dragged a
$6,000 Armani comb through his fabulous hair helmet and ordered
his helicopter pilot, Jeeves, to zoom down to Washington to
give "The Dubya" his walking papers.

Trump, who briefly explored a presidential run in 1999, said
he would consider filling in as interim president, as long
as he didn’t have to take orders from Vice President Dick
Cheney like Bush does.

The star of the popular reality TV show, "The Apprentice,"
Trump further justified sacking the president by saying that,
under Bush, the federal deficit is expanding almost as fast
as his own gargantuan ego.

In the end, Trump concluded, he had little choice but to
can Bush "despite all those crazy tax cuts he dishes
out for insanely wealthy guys like me."

Of course the decision was "nothing personal,"
Trump reminded Bush. "Just business."

IBS
News
wins Emmy

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette/IBS News cleaned house at last night’s
Emmy awards ceremony with imaginary newsman Reid Page taking
home the statue for Worst Fake Anchorman on a Satire Series.

Page, reading his acceptance speech from a teleprompter with
expert inflection, thanked fellow anchormen Jon Stewart and
Ted Baxter, and said he owed his creative lifeforce to such
diverse inspirations as Will Rogers, Kurt Vonnegut and Gandhi.

IBS News also won Best Animated War Coverage for "SpongeBob
SquareBodyArmor" and the critically acclaimed "Sleeping
With the Yemeni" was named Best Made-for-TV Terror
Drama, beating out "Last Tango in Pakistan," "Man
in the Iron Mosque," "Allah Doesn’t Live Here Anymore"
and "Al Qaeda on the Western Front."

Humor Gazette Productions collected trophies for Best Insect
Documentary ("Desperate Houseflies") and Most Repugnant
Comedy Series ("Everybody Loves Jacko"), and for
its epic 16-part miniseries "The Life and Death of Herman
Munster."

On the red carpet, IBS News anchor Reid Page confided with
E celebrity interviewer Star Jones that he was wearing vintage
Air Jordans, Puff Daddy underwear and a
"gasoline suit" by Dan Rather. Momentarily
disoriented by the paparazzi, Page blurted out, "I’d
just like to thank Geraldo, George W. Bush and your mother."

Related
stories:

Bush
wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil

People
mag names top 50 pretty people

Schiavo
autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state

Gillette unveils cutting edge miracle
razor

By
John Breneman

In a move certain to "revolutionize" the way people
blow money on intensely hyped gadgets, Gillette today unveiled
a state-of-the-art, five-blade razor featuring a built-in
cell phone, MP3 player, Internet connection and GPS navigation.

With its patented satellite-feed technology, the device will
also enable shavers to watch a full selection of NFL games
on its high-definition, five-millimeter plasma screen.

The quintuple-action razor, which also features pruning shears
and a powerful Black & Decker hedge trimmer, is being
called Fusion because "it needed a punchy, slick-sounding
name and Slingblade was already taken," said company
spokesman Les Nixon-Cutts.

But wait, there’s more. The Fusion is also equipped with
a pepper spray blaster to disable anyone who tries to get
up in your silky smooth face while you gab mindlessly on the
phone, surf the Web or play Donkey Kong on the tiny device.

Powered by a small nuclear core that makes it illegal in
all Axis of Evil countries, the Fusion system is expected
to be a huge revenue earner for Boston-based Gillette.

Company CEO James
Kilts, who has been harshly criticized for slashing
local jobs while reaping $180 million from the sale of Gillette
to Procter & Gamble, said Fusion will "set a new
standard in shaving technology and performance … AND
put another quick $100 million in my pocket."

However it appears the tension may be getting to Kilts, who
showed up at today’s unveiling ceremony sporting an unsightly
five o’clock shadow and several bloodied pieces of toilet
paper stuck to his face.

Brandishing a shiny new Fusion in his right hand, Kilts taunted
members of the media, ranting, "You want a piece of me?"
and "Don’t make me cut you."

Gillette rival Schick quickly announced plans to introduce
an 18-blade "Swiss Army shaving system with laser-guided
tracking, digital video camera and a nifty bottle opener."

Related story:
Shedding
our cell-phone hang-ups — Jan. 24, 2005

Gilligan
‘taken out’ by CIA

The Humor Gazette/IBS News has learned that Gilligan, the
lovable TV knucklehead known to billions as "Little Buddy,"
was assassinated by the CIA because he "knew too much."

Agency spokesman Arthur Gunn confirmed that the CIA "whacked"
Gilligan (aka Bob
Denver), on orders from a high-ranking Defense Department
official who is part human, part wolverine. But he declined
to reveal if it was because the legendarily empty-headed Gilligan
"knew too much." And, if so, too much of what?

Some say Gilligan claimed to have sensitive information about
a certain "three-hour booze cruise" that President
Bush took during his National Guard career.

But a source close to the Skipper revealed that a Pentagon
official, described as part human, part rabid gorilla came
to believe that Gilligan had gotten ahold of some uranium
and was concocting a half-baked scheme to build a nuclear
bomb so a passing ship might see his mushroom cloud and transport
him back to "civilization." The concern is reportedly
outlined in a 2001 document entitled "Gilligan Determined
to Strike in U.S."

Related story:
Pat
Robertson (aka "The Sermonator") — Aug.
29, 2005