Judging Roberts

When asked his position on Roe v. Wade — the landmark 1973
decision guaranteeing all fetuses the right to own a gun —
Judge John Roberts declined to comment on whether he would
confirm or deny his position or non-position on any hypothetical
issue that may or may not come before the Supreme Court.

Today’s Senate confirmation hearings present a fresh chance
to absorb the satiric wisdom of this July 29 Humor Gazette
exclusive:
"Judge Roberts faces abortion litmus test"

Also this July 20 item suggesting that in selecting a white
Christian male nominee, President
Bush "disappointed those who hoped he would add diversity
to the Supreme Court by picking the nation’s first openly
gay Mexican-Chinese transvestite albino jurist."

Brownie
the Clown makes us all frown

By John Breneman

Buffeted by gale-force, Category 4 criticism for botching
the federal response to Hurricane Katrina, embattled
FEMA chucklehead Mike Brown was sent home to prepare
for his new post as the national poster-boy for governmental
dementia.

However, the Humor Gazette has learned that Brown’s blithering
incompetence and his status as a grossly underqualified political
hack were not the only reasons he was relieved of his doody.

A source close to the 18-year-old sex intern who is banging
Brown’s resume-padding consultant says there is evidence linking
Brown to an elite Middle Eastern equestrian unit called the
International Arabian Horse Association.

Brown reportedly concealed ties to the terror pony syndicate
on his resume, which reportedly exaggerated his qualifications
to hold any job whatsoever. For example, a resume entry entitled
"Oversaw dairy industry cleanup efforts" is an apparent
reference to Brown’s role in utilizing a paper towel to wipe
up some milk that spilled in his kitchen in the late 1990s.

When informed that he has being yanked from the hurricane
relief effort, Brown made some asinine remarks about going
to his warm, dry taxpayer-funded mansion to pig
out on Mexican food and stiff margaritas.

However, several witnesses at the press conference swear
Brown actually said, "(Bleep) FEMA. I’m gonna hop in
my Beamer and get (bleep)-faced on Zima."

Gas prices impact ‘drive-by’ shootings

By
John Breneman

The high cost of gasoline is affecting yet another segment
of the economy, as U.S. gang leaders report skyrocketing fuel
costs are crippling their ability to administer "drive-by"
shootings.

"The pump price for unleaded has increased the cost
of pumping a punk full of lead," said the noted gangland
economist Notorious S.T.P., whose observation prompted an
angry-looking colleague with a giant gun tucked in his underpants
to respond, "Word."

Because such slayings are customarily carried out in gas-guzzling
Cadillac Escalades and Lincoln Continentals, gang enforcers
have been forced to take a hard look at the number of vehicle-based
murders they can afford in their budgets.

This past week here have been scattered reports of Bloods
and Crips switching to fuel-efficient drive-bys in Toyota
Prius hybrids "pimped out" with menacing tinted
windows and "low rider" hydraulics.

Police in the gang-ravaged Compton section of Los Angeles
have witnessed a spike in the number of "walk-up"
shootings and there is at least one report of a teen killer
"rolling up" on a Big Wheel to "cap" a
fellow thug.

In a related story, authorities report an increase in the
number of drive-by gunfire coming from Chryslers now that
Snoop Dogg has joined the posse of Detroit-based gang boss
Lee Iacocca (aka "Ike-a-Zizzle").

Gas
prices have U.S. motorists over a barrel — Aug.
15, 2005

Have a Jalapeno Coke and a smile

By
John Breneman

The makers of Coca-Cola report that Jalapeno Coke has become
so popular they are now working on other new flavors of the
world’s most popular soft drink.

"Three out of four hard-core soda junkies say they enjoy
zesty, five-alarm Jalapeno Coke," said Coca-Cola spokesman
Marlin Fizzwater, adding, "Consumers will be happy to
know that Jalapeno Coke has 10% more potassium benzoate and
a pinch more phosphoric acid than the other leading brand."

Industry insiders report that if sales of Jalapeno Coke continue
to be brisk, the company, which introduced Cherry Coke in
1985, will move forward with plans to launch a Chocolate Coke
and a decadently carbonated Strawberry Short-Coke.

Also in the works are a trendy Coca-Colatté and a
briny, pickle-flavored soda called Vlassic Coke. Still in
the research-and-development stage are: Garlic Coke, Diet
Lima Bean Coke and Genuine Maine Lobster Coke.

Coca-Cola, invented in 1886 by Dr. John Stith Pemberton of
Atlanta, was first marketed as a "brain and nerve tonic."
Its popularity grew throughout the 20th century with such
colorful marketing slogans as "The Pause That Refreshes"
(1929), "It’s the Real Thing" (1970) and "Things
Go Better With the World’s Favorite Multinational Beverage
Conglomerate" (2001).

One of Coke’s selling points is its nostalgic appeal as it
harks back to the drugstore soda fountains of decades gone
by. The lure of nostalgia also has high-level Coke pushers
thinking about reintroducing one of the beverage’s original
ingredients — cocaine — in a controversial new inner-city
soda called Crack!

However, Coke officials reportedly have scrapped plans for
at least two new beverages: 97% of test subjects succumbed
to severe gastric discomfort after consuming Coke-e.Coli,
and soft drink researchers in Central Africa reported few
survivors in taste tests of Ebola-Cola.

Meanwhile,
longtime cola drinkers are bubbling with excitement over the
next wave of Coca-Cola and Coke byproducts.

"Personally, I can hardly wait for them to come out
with that new Nacho Cheese-Flavored Coke everybody’s been
talking about," said Joe Sixpack, 24, of Aspartame, Oregon.
"I’m Coke man. I’d pay good money for any flavor they
put out — Tuna Coke, Asparagus Coke, Pineapple Upside-Down
Coke — you name it. I’ve been hooked ever since I popped
my first Cherry Coke back in ’87."

The soft drink maker, which is also said to be tinkering
with an all-natural Tofu Coke, has long touted the soft drink’s
therapeutic effects.

"The health benefits of guzzling 2-liter jugs of Coke
are well-documented," said Dr. Pepper, a pop culture
specialist with the Sprite Foundation.

Coca-Cola shareholders, he said, are also very excited about
a new Coke formula that burns unsightly fat cells, relieves
stress and makes you forget that you are paying a $1-$2 for
a couple mouthfuls of brown carbonated water that costs less
than one-tenth of a penny to make.

‘Tis
the sneezin’

Insidious plague afflicts millions:
Minute airborne particles attack human respiratory systems.
Fever clogs victims’ heads, causing spasms and blurred vision.

By John Breneman

I come to you with shocking revelations about … ALLERGIES.
I must speak quickly, though, because the pollen count is
quite heavy and I don’t have much time.

Millions of people suffer from the seasonal ravages of this
miserable epidemic. It’s medical name is "pollinosis,"
which I believe is Latin for "please jam a bushel of
dried flaxseed pollen up my left nostril."

I know from experience that it is not unusual for a hay fever
sufferer to wake up and begin the day by sneezing. Maybe once.
Or maybe, like me this morning, 15-18 consecutive times.

The following is an exaggerated re-enactment of actual non-stop
sneezing fit. (Editor’s note: Do not try this at home without
the supervision of a certified allergy professional.)

7:02 a.m. — Jolted awake by that first sneeze of
the day, I yawn and gulp down 250 million airborne particles
that begin an involuntary chain reaction of misery. The invaders
anesthetize my face and begin time-releasing phlegm for the
next 1-12 hours.

7:02 a.m. — The familiar second sneeze makes my eyes
watery and impairs my vision. Hypersensitivity to any light
source adds to the fun.

7:03 a.m. — On my third sneeze, I temporarily lose
the use of my lungs, heart and pancreas.

7:03 a.m. — My fourth sneeze, a whopper, frightens
the birds and squirrels outside my window.

7:03 a.m. — With my fifth sneeze I lose the ability
to reason and wipe out two-thirds of a box of industrial-strength
Kleenex in the 4.5 seconds that elapse before …

7:04 a.m. — … sneeze number six. This one makes
me consider administering an emergency tracheotomy to maintain
my rapidly diminishing ability to breathe.

7:04 a.m. — My seventh consecutive sneeze makes me
weep like a baby. Upon realizing that I cannot remember my
name, Social Security number or species, I scrap all plans
to operate heavy machinery.

7:05 a.m. — My eighth sneeze blows out the retina
in my right eyeball and fills my brain with strange thoughts
about U.S. foreign policy and the pros and cons of deploying
ragweed-tipped missiles against Kim Jong Il.

7:05 a.m. — Sneeze number nine (I like to call it
"El Nino") induces an out-of-body experience in
which a crack team of surgical allergists sedates me with
5,000 milligrams of pseudophedrine hydrochloride and extract
from my sinus cavity a wad of goldenrod the size of a Polish
kielbasa.

7:06 a.m. — My tenth straight sneeze brings on a
sensation of vertigo, itchy lungs, sprained larynx and bronchial
tube asphyxiation.

7:06 a.m. — With cataclysmic sneeze number 11, my
head slams face first onto my hardwood floor where it considers
placing a call to noted allergy relief specialist Dr. Kevorkian.

About then, I am able to drag myself into the bathroom where
my medicine cabinet houses a mind-boggling array of pills
promising "prompt, effective relief."

Claritin, Clarinex, Chlortrimetron. I like Chlortrimetron
because the box says it contains 47 percent more "oleic
acid, potato starch and talc" than the other leading
brand.

No luck. So I take some Tavist-D and wash it down with some
Dimetapp. Or was it Drixoral? Dristan? A blast of "pump
mist" Affrin doesn’t stop the sneezing, but makes me
wonder whether there is such thing as a quadruple nasal bypass.

My roommate told me there’s a laser treatment in which they
cauterize the nasal membrane, rendering it impervious to most
known allergens. Side effects: The ocean, lilacs and beautiful
women all smell like burnt toast.

Then I remember my grandmother’s secret remedy: Stick your
head into a burlap sack filled with a mixture of baking soda,
Triple Sec and Hamburger Helper. Then breathe deeply and count
to 157.

If that doesn’t work, I’ve heard that a Sudafed factory in
the Sudan is working on a weapon of mass decongestion that
combines 30 milligrams of benadryl with aged Russian caviar,
neutralized anthrax and a cherry-flavored uranium isotope.

Marlboro Man: ‘Come to where the cancer
is’

By
John Breneman

Today’s mailbag included some thoughtful correspondence from
the Marlboro Man inviting me to "Come to where the flavor
is."

He didn’t mention anything about coming to where the chemotherapy
is, but I guess that doesn’t kick in until later. The legendary
tobacco spokes-icon is a Marlboro
Man of few words, letting his $1, $2 and $5 coupons
speak for themselves.

Depicted in an extreme closeup — dirt flying, cowboy hat
and rough denim sleeve shadowing the flinty determination
etched in has face as he tackles some unfortunate stunt steer
against a backdrop of subliminal stars and stripes — the
Man is as virile as his product is virulent.

And whether he’s hooking some hapless cow or hooking his
next patsy, the Smoking Man doesn’t pull any punches. My sweet
Marlboro pamphlet tells exactly how much tar and nicotine
come in each flavor-packed cancer stick.

By
my read, the best deal seems to be the 100 Regulars because
you get a satisfying 17mg dose of tar and 1.3 mgs of nicotine.
They don’t even mention the generous helpings of bonus ingredients
like arsenic,
ammonia, hydrogen cyanide and carbon monoxide.

The Marlboro promo reminded me of a standup snippet; I believe
it was Steve Martin who once quipped: "My doctor recommended
I take up smoking. He said I wasn’t getting enough tar."

Anyway, despite the mighty Marlboro Man’s kind invitation
to suck toxic chemicals into my lungs and take a premature
dirt nap, I don’t think I want to "Come to where the
flavor is." No thank you.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking may kill you stone
dead. But, hey, don’t let that stop you from forking over
your hard-earned money to filthy rich, morally bankrupt super-corporations.
It’s a free country, after all. Just ask the dude in the cowboy
hat.

Related story:
Coming
soon: Cancer in a pouch — Aug. 8, 2001

Rev. Robertson (aka The Sermonator)
calls for more righteous whackings

By John Breneman

Rev. Pat Robertson today clarified his call for the assassination
of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, saying he was only delivering
a message from God.

"Hasta la vista, baby." Robertson claimed the Lord
appeared to him in a vision and said He wanted U.S. special
forces to "smite" the ornery South American leader
by "busting a cap in his loins."

God also mentioned that He wants North Korean leader Kim
Jong Il to "sleep with the fishes," according to
Robertson, who added that the Creator has targeted three top
Iranian leaders to be "iced," "whacked"
and "rubbed out."

The Christian Coalition founder also elaborated on his recent
prayer that God grant conservatives another Supreme Court
vacancy "one way or the other," saying that
any judge who supports a woman’s right to an abortion ought
to be put down for a "dirt nap."

"And don’t get me started on Allah," said Robertson.
"I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse."

When asked how he could justify calling for murder when the
Sixth Commandment clearly states "Thou shalt not kill,"
Robertson responded, "You talking to me, punk?"

Related story:
Holy
hitman: Rev. Robertson says ‘Thou shall kill’ — Aug.
25, 2005

Holy
hitman: Rev. Robertson says ‘Thou shall kill’

By
John Breneman

Humor Gazette/IBS News anchorman Reid Page is standing by
his comment that pin-headed televangelist Pat Robertson needs
to be "dope slapped."

Commenting on Robertson’s
televised call for America to assassinate the president of
Venezuela, Mr. Page also suggested that U.S. covert
operatives "stuff a sock in Robertson’s hypocritically
holier-than-thou pious-hole."

Robertson has been trying to weasel out of his comments since
Monday, first denying he used the word "assassinate"
(it’s on the videotape, moron) and then employing the time-honored
"taken out of context" defense.

A spokesman for Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network
explained that the commandment "Thou shalt not kill"
— like all religious rules and regulations — was never meant
to apply to egomaniacal TV pulpit pundits.

The Bush administration has distanced itself from Robertson’s
assassination plan, stating that a more prudent course of
action would be to bomb the hell out of Venezuela, forcing
its president to hide in a cave and sparking an insurgency
that would assure continued U.S. presence for the next 5-10
years.

In other news:
Humor
Gazette/IBS News obtains sneak peak at Iraqi Constitution
— July 25, 2005

Bad
news for the noodle

By John Breneman

The percentage of the brain that people actually use — once
estimated to be 10%
— is now approximately 8.2% and falling, according to a new
study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from 12% in places
where there is no cable TV to a stultifying 5.9% in greater
Washington, D.C., according to Daft Foundation neurologist
Dr. Sarah Bellum. The study relied on both societal observations
and scientific testing to reach the conclusion that human
beings are getting dumber by the day.

Among its findings, the report revealed an alarming decrease
in the number of people who have enough sense to look both
ways before crossing the street. However, the number of motorists
who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal, even if it helps
save a human life, appears to have stabilized at 72 percent.

The Daft Foundation team also administered electroencephalogram
(EEG) brain wave tests to a cross-section of test subjects
and found that 92% of them thought EEG referred to an oval-shaped
breakfast food made by a chicken.

The study also reported the estimated percentage of the brain
utilized by the following test groups:

Rocket
scientists — 10.2%
Laboratory mice — 11.3%
Administration officials — 2.1%
Steroid users — 4.2%
Drunk drivers — 0.10%
Reality TV show producers — 1.6%
TV "news" talking heads — 0.003%
Moronic humor columnists — 0.002%

New probe probes impact of probes

By
John Breneman

Recent probes into anthrax, church sex and corporate excess
have sparked public demand for intrusive new probes into every
orifice of American life.

"Polls show that people love a good probe," said
Barnaby Holmes, head of a blue-ribbon panel probing the public’s
renewed interest in probes. "Citizens have come to depend
on these probes to keep track of who’s getting screwed and
who’s doing the screwing."

Regarding the Justice Department probe into who leaked CIA
agent Valerie Plame’s identity, he said, “The American
people need to know who knew what and when did they know it.
Will the Plame leak probe spawn a new probe into ongoing leaks
about the probe itself? Probably.”

The House Subcommittee on Bipartisan Probes today announced
new probes into Martha Stewart’s nuclear capabilities, Saddam
Hussein’s secret diary and Dick Cheney’s trousers, while the
Justice Department launched a fresh probe of Microsoft CEO
Bill Gates’ large intestine.

Body-cavity probes at U.S. airports are at an all-time high
according to a New York Times probe. And the Wall Street Journal
is probing reports of proctologists who bill patients for
unnecessary probing.

Meanwhile, a National Enquirer probe led to shocking reports
on Bill Clinton’s aborigine love child, President Bush’s $177-million-a-day
war habit and Britney Spears’ steamy sex romp with Jerry Springer
and Cardinal Law.

The Securities Exchange Commission is probing allegations
of financial irregularities in Dolly Parton’s warchest. And
subpoenas have been issued for a federal probe into whether
the FBI has been probing the CIA or vice versa.

Experts in the fast-growing probe industry predict future
investigations into Pokemon card insider trading, political
liposuction and pro bono probes into pro baseball’s steroid
woes and Jose Canseco’s jockstrap.

Because probes are believed to have a positive economic impact,
Treasury Department officials have launched a probe into the
possible benefits of converting to a probe-based economy.