Automakers thinking outside the
gearbox

By
John Breneman

Skyrocketing gasoline prices have scientists around the globe
scrambling to perfect new fuel-efficient technologies.

Rather than waste resources on wimpy solar-powered cars, the
people at Saturn Corp. are light years ahead of the competition
in tapping the energy created by planets revolving around
the sun. Coming soon to a showroom near you – the new
Saturn Uranus.

It has long been known that the petroleum and automotive industries
have squashed emerging technologies that would cut into their
profits. That is why you’ve never heard of the Dutch
windmill-powered car, the Jamaican hemp-powered GanjaMobile
or the nuclear-powered Mushroom Cloud U-238 out of North Korea.

But now even the major automakers are getting into the act.
Motorists who long for the days of the quintessential American
“muscle car” will want to test drive the new Chevy
Anabolica, a powerful 8-cylinder vehicle that runs entirely
on steroids. It not only gets decent mileage, it also is equipped
with simulated wood-grain Kevlar side panels for roid-raging
other drivers off the road.

Detroit is also developing a vehicle it hopes will make a
dent in the energy crisis and the drug epidemic with a sedan
that runs on crystal meth and high-test allergy pills — the
new Ford Ephedra.

And the people at Phillip Morris are working on a pickup truck
powered by the toxic brew of chemicals contained in the billions
of cigarette butts that smokers flick into the environment
each day. It is already ranked by J.D. Power & Associates
as the #1 arsenic-fueled vehicle in America.

British automaker Mini Cooper is said to be developing a compact
version of its popular Mini capable of getting 80 miles per
gallon while traveling up to 75 miles per hour. The only drawback
is that you have to squat on top of the thing with your knees
sticking out while reaching down to grip the tiny steering
wheel.

Click
here to spread the word about other little-known automotive
technologies.

Related story:
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Gas prices have U.S. motorists over a
barrel

By
John Breneman

Gas prices soared to record highs over the weekend, fueling
a corresponding spike in the use of crude language at the
pump.

"Bleep," said petroleum consumer Joe Ford while
pumping gas in Hyannis, Mass. "Nowadays when I hit the
gas, I go from zero to $20 in 3.7 seconds."

Rising prices have increased pressure on the automobile industry
to invent vehicles powered by political hot air. Lee Iacocca
is leading the way with his prototype for the new Chrysler
Rhetorica, featuring a revolutionary new fuel cell capable
of harnessing the vast quantities of hot air emanating from
Washington, D.C.

Its designers say that if the Rhetorica begins to lose power,
the driver can simply flip on the radio to Rush Limbaugh or
Bill O’Reilly and a specially designed fuel cell will transfer
the unremitting blasts of hot air straight into its state-of-the-art
engine. They also recommend keeping a CD of John Kerry speeches in the glove compartment for long-distance travel.

Honda is reportedly working on a methane-fueled car powered
by the bullcrap these politicians sling around rather than
actually getting anything done.

Fortunately President Bush has used the knowledge and contacts
he gained as a failed oil industry executive to keep the petroleum
powers-that-be from feeling the pinch. When asked after 9/11
whether Americans should pay more attention to energy conservation,
he wisely said "Nope."

Energy analysts say it is too early to tell if the president’s military drilling of Iraq will yield dividends.

Related stories:
Bush
puts the moves on Saudi prince — April 27, 2005

President’s
energy plan calls for personal petroleum accounts
— April 29, 2005

Tomorrow: read about a Dutch windmill-powered car
and other exciting new transportation technologies.

In honor of my mom’s birthday, this ode created several
years back by her first-born…

Dear
Mom, Happy birthday,
and thanks for the cool DNA

Hi Mom. I just wanted to say, um, Happy Birthday. And thank
you …
for literally everything.

Like for that time back in ’61 when you went to the hospital
and it was really painful, but you hung in there, and then
when you came home, you were holding me in your arms. Or all
those times when I made Winnie-the-Pooh and you got me cleaned
up, good as new.

Have I ever mentioned that I am eternally grateful for the
approximately 12 tons of food you have given me over the years,
even, in retrospect, the 9 kilograms of lima beans. (I only
ate two kilos though, the other seven are hidden in a crawl
space in our old house in Pennsylvania.)

And thank you for the nice DNA. I really am enjoying it and
promise never to monkey around with cloning or tissue regeneration.

Oh and while I think of it, thanks for the name. I know it
must have hurt your feelings when I was about 8 and announced
that I didn’t really like the name John. I had decided there
just were too many of us at school, and so could you please
just call me Catfish from now on? Talk about humoring a kid.
I’ll never forget my birthday cake that year. Eight candles
and "Happy Birthday, Catfish" in sweet cursive frosting.
Now that I’m older and … older, I also feel I should
thank you for putting up with my (inherited?) eccentricities,
even when I refer to myself by my favorite pseudonym. You
know the one: Arturo
DiMaunche.

This is a family online newspaper, but I guess it’s OK to
mention that my rump still thanks you for your philosophical
opposition to corporal punishment. (P.S. Thanks, too, for
firing that mean baby sitter who spanked me with my Hot Wheels
track.)

And may I please express my enduring gratitude for teaching
me to be polite. I don’t know what you did, but I get a huge
kick out of being extra polite to people. Thank you, my dear
mother, for this and so many other simple gifts.

Thank you also for these things:

— For the way you took care of everything, all the while
letting Dad think he was really calling the shots.

— For that time when I lied to you, remember? About my involvement
in the Iran-Contra scandal. And you said, "Hmmm, is that
what really happened?" And of course I broke down and
told the truth, learning from you that it was better to be
honest than to go on trying to protect President Reagan and
Oliver North.

— For stopping me from wearing those blue pants with the
extra-hideous stripe embroidered down each leg to school for
the fourth straight day back in ’72.

— For not panicking when I got Ds in penmanship from Mr.
Mariner in the fifth grade because you knew that what I wrote
was much more important than how it looked on a piece of paper,
and that it was essential to encourage and nurture an active
imagination in your children.

— For that time when I stubbed my big toe on a deranged
armadillo when we went to the zoo in Afghanistan (OK, it was
in the pool during a vacation in Maine) and you stopped the
very rotation of the Earth so it wouldn’t throb quite so much.

— For that time when I was about 5 or 6 and I put on your
boots and went in the hall closet… On second thought, never
mind about that time.

— For getting me all those great shirts and, really, for
knowing me better than I know myself.

My appreciation and love for you cannot be overstated, even
under the intense pressures of satire. But most of all, thank
you so much Mom for your joyful, tender, protective, fearless,
empowering, unconditional and life-giving love.

John

Related story:
Mother’s
Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005

Signing
off …

Good evening. This just in… Sen. Bill Frist said today
he has looked at some videotape and disagrees with the diagnosis
that Peter Jennings has died of lung cancer.

On a more serious note: This is a sad day for the media.
Like all high-profile personalities, Peter Jennings certainly
had his critics.
But he also had sincerity, credibility and dignity, qualities
that can no longer be taken for granted in the "Runaway
bride" era of network news.

A note to our younger readers: There was a time when real
anchormen stuck to the facts, when "both sides of a story"
meant more than split-screen yakking by partisan hacks.

Peter Jennings will be greatly missed as one of the last
remaining links to a time when news reporters reported the
news.

Related stories:
Schiavo
autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state —
June 17, 2005
Dan
Rather hangs up his gasoline suit — March 11, 2005

Al Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of
dung

By
John Breneman

FBI forensic analysts have confirmed that the speaker in
a videotaped
message warning of more terrorist attacks is Ayman
al-Zawahiri, though in the footage seen around the
world on Thursday it is nearly impossible to distinguish him
from a steaming blob of camel excrement.

"That’s why they call him al Qaeda’s ‘number-two man’
— because he’s a cowardly piece of (bleep)," said FBI
spokesman John Doe, adding that one longtime agent also recognized
several of the maggots that have been hiding in Zawahiri’s
beard since the mid-1970s.

In a pro wrestling-style rant broadcast on the Arabic television
station Al Jazeera, Zawahiri (also known as "The Grand
Fuqwad") angrily jabs his finger at the camera to show
what a tough guy he is while threatening to have his loose
affiliation of brainwashed
morons blow up more innocent people.

But just who is Ayman
al-Zawahiri?

Longtime acquaintances describe him as a "#$%&@#$%*&"
perhaps best known for emitting a sulfurous stench powerful
enough to subdue foes and fellow jihadists alike.

The son of a Jalalabad opium ho named Fatima and a semi-professional
goat sodomizer named Ahab, Zawahiri left home at age 7 after
his mother beat the crap out of him for decapitating his pet
kitten, Infidel.

He declared his first fatwa at age 12, unsuccessfully trying
to invoke the wrath of Allah against a schoolmate
who flushed his head in the toilet and soiled his favorite
"America blows" turban. Sources describe the young
Zawahiri as a 98-pound weakling frequently humiliated by older
future-terorrist boys fond of kicking desert sand in his face.

After serving a brief prison stint for raping a hyena, Zawahiri
found he couldn’t cut it as an outhouse maintenance technician,
so he decided to become a terrorist and spit in Allah’s face
by murdering people in his name.

In a 1982 manifesto he wrote, "Terrorism helps me forget
that Allah really gave me a bum deal when he was handing out
male reproductive equipment."

Now 54, Zawahiri met Osama
bin Laden in Afghanistan in the mid-1980s and quickly
gained access to his inner circle by allowing the lusty terror
kingpin to have his way with Zawahiri’s best-looking goat.

Unfortunately the new videotape revealed no clue as to his
whereabouts, according to the FBI spokesman, who noted that
the elusive, sheep-loving Fuqwad is constantly "on the
lamb."

Shuttle repair costs ‘out of this world’

By
John Breneman

NASA officials say today’s historic repair of some fabric
dangling from the space shuttle’s underbelly was an unqualified
success. But more technical woes lurk on the horizon, including
a squeaky timing belt and a possible blown gasket in one of
the vessel’s powerful V-8,000,000 engines.

While NASA engineers remain optimistic that Discovery did
not "throw a rod," such a condition would increase
the likelihood that Commander Eileen Collins would need to
radio AAA for assistance during the return trip.

Another spacewalk repair mission is being planned for tomorrow,
involving a 58-foot robotic Craftsman socket wrench operated
by a grimy-faced spaceship mechanic named Rusty. Including
parts and labor, the job shouldn’t cost taxpayers more than,
let’s say, 18 million bucks.

Among the many other maintenance challenges facing the shuttle:
If Discovery travels approximately 18,000 miles per hour, then
to avoid unnecessary wear and tear the crew should change
the oil roughly every 10 minutes. However, this is not practical
due to the high cost of petroleum and the fact that it is
difficult to store 50,000 quarts of Pennzoil 10W-40,000,000
in the shuttle’s cramped payload.

Trade talks scrubbed, superstar shines

By
John Breneman

Mission control specialists at Fenway Park yesterday celebrated
the spectacular re-entry of Starship Ramirez into the rarified
atmosphere of Red Sox Nation after more than 72 hours in orbit.

The situation was touch-and-go throughout the weekend as
the millions who idolize the eccentric slugger savant reacted
to his request to be traded and his absence from the lineup
with the same dispiriting prognosis: "Boston, we have
a problem."

But then intergalactic superstar Manny Ramirez — one of
the only men capable of blasting a baseball to the
moon — at least temporarily retracted his invisible force
field and decided he would rather play ball than mind games.

The impact was immediate and profound, as Ramirez strapped
on his helmet and calmly tapped out a game-winning hit just
54 minutes after the countdown to a possible trade reached
:00 and talks of a disruptive transaction were officially
scrubbed.

Judge Roberts faces abortion litmus test

By
John Breneman

While Republican supporters hail John G. Roberts as a strict
constitutionalist who will certainly vote to overturn Roe
v. Wade, Democratic critics are assailing the Supreme Court
nominee as a strict constitutionalist who will certainly vote
to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Despite the fact that politicians always deny there is any
"litmus
test" for evaluating nominees, Supreme Court
hopefuls for the last three decades have been judged on their
relative acidity to or basic support of a woman’s right to
choose.

Sen. Edward Kennedy was reportedly seen chasing after Roberts
with a slip of paper that would turn red if, as expected,
Roberts is hostile to Roe v. Wade and blue if he is even remotely
sympathetic or open-minded. Instead the chubby Kennedy turned
red from over-exertion, then passed out and turned blue until
a paramedic resuscitated him by administering a ham sandwich.

There is widespread consensus that Roberts possesses a brilliant
legal mind and impressive credentials. And though both sides
are comfortable with his rambunctious
four-year-old son, Democrats have expressed angst
about his openly pro-life wife.

Also troubling to some women’s groups, Roberts’ judicial
record reveals no indication on how he would rule should the
contentious Brad Pitt v. Jennifer Aniston divorce proceeding
reach the high court.

Tang, sweet Tang

Let’s toast the space shuttle Discovery astronauts with a
tall glass of delicious orange-flavored Tang.
Do you remember Tang?
I was a big Tang
man as a boy and even dreamed of becoming an astronaut before
I decided to be a pro baseball player.

Now they’re saying it won’t be long before the dream of space
tourism becomes a reality. Some experts believe America
can achieve the goal of putting a camera-toting, flipflop-wearing,
sun-burnt family of four on the moon by the end of this decade.

It’ll be great. You’ll just call your travel agent … "Yeah,
I need two round-up tickets to Mars on the 17th. Any window
seats available?"

And the best part: Just think of the bonus miles you can
rack up when your destination is 64 million miles away.

The first space tourist — a South African millionaire named
Mark Shuttleworth — took a little joy ride with the Soviets
back in 2002. Here’s the piece I filed making fun of his $20
million, 10-day, 10-night vacation to the International Space
Station.

IBS News obtains sneak peak at Iraqi Constitution

By
John Breneman

Iraq is making progress
in hammering out a new Constitution, now that the
Sunnis have ended their boycott and returned to the bargaining
table with an assortment of mallets, gavels and ball-peen
hammering devices.

Humor Gazette/IBS News has obtained an exclusive sneak peek
at an early draft of the document, which is scheduled for
a national referendum on Oct. 15 if the country is not completely
destroyed by then.

Etched on the finest Mesopotamian papyrus, it calls for the
creation of an Islamocratic
form of government with a democratically elected House
of Mullahs. It also contains also provisions dealing with
possession and transportation of moonshine, and the possible
right of women to show their faces in public under certain
conditions.

A source close to Karl
Rove, speaking on the condition that I be sent to
Guantanamo Bay if I ever so much as whisper his name, revealed
that there is widespread agreement on the first two articles.

Article I.
Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of
religion, except to prohibit those extremist douchebags from
killing people in the name of Allah.

Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech,
except in the case of naughty words (see also Article XXX:
"Wardrobe malfunctions).

Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the press
to publish juicy celebrity tidbits or to broadcast rank speculation
and blatantly biased opinion-mongering as "news."

Article II.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security
of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear
rocket launchers, Uzis and surface-to-air missiles, shall
not be infringed. (Also protected: Molotov cocktails, Saturday
night specials AK-47s, Gatling guns, bazookas, M4 Carbines,
sawed-off shotguns, etc.)