Aliens seize Tom Cruise’s brain

By
John Breneman

Sources say Tom Cruise’s recent spate of odd
behavior was triggered by an incident on the set of
his new blockbuster, "War of the Worlds," where
the controversial actor was reportedly given a brain probe
by disgruntled Martians.

The spacemen reportedly disguised themselves as movie aliens
to get close to Cruise, then jammed a three-foot titanium
cylinder into his skull and made off with nearly half of his
cerebellum.

Since then the actor has puzzled observers by playing trampoline
on Oprah’s couch, getting
in "Today" show host Matt Lauer’s face and
proclaiming his eternal love for Batman’s girlfriend.

Is it all just a publicity stunt to hype his starring role
in the new $130 million Steven Spielberg epic? Perhaps, but
Hollywood insiders suggest Cruise is using the promotional
tour to proselytize for his beloved Church
of Scientology, a trendy religion founded by Nebraska
author L. Ron Hubbard that apparently encourages its followers
to act like bossy know-it-alls.

Cruise, who recently scolded Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants,
now subsists entirely on Scientology-flavored
Kool-Aid and is reportedly mulling a bid to become
the church’s Exulted Grand Poobah.

In Spielberg’s "War of the Worlds," opening June
29, the director stays relatively faithful to the classic
H.G. Wells novel despite Cruise’s effort to rewrite
it so a family of Scientologists defeats the alien menace
and creates a new world order.

Critics praise President
Bush’s
"I think about Iraq every day" speech

By
John Breneman

When future generations assess the legacy of President George
W. Bush, they will surely reflect on his now-famous "I
think about Iraq every day" speech of June 20,
2005.

Asked what he thought of Dick Cheney’s load of bull about
the insurgency being in its "last throes" when violence
there is actually increasing, the president disarmed the blatantly
anti-patriotic question by saying, "I think about Iraq
every day — every
single day."

As the world heaved a great sigh of relief to learn that
the man who started the war actually finds time to mull it
over each day, Bush shoveled on even more reassurance by saying,
"I understand we have troops in harm’s way…"

Critics say Bush’s keen understanding of the fact that he
is getting people killed "every day" suggests he
may be ready to adopt a more realistic view of Iraq than that
laid out in his now-historic "Mission
Accomplished" address.

The president revealed that not only does he think about
his own personal Iraqi hellhole "every single day,"
he admitted that some days he thinks of it two or three times.
Maybe even half a dozen times on Monday after the weekend
death toll numbers come in.

A White House memo obtained by IBS News confirmed that some
random thought or another about Iraq crept into the president’s
brain 57 times so far this month alone. Sources say that early
on in the war, President Bush occasionally forgot to think
about Iraq until Condoleezza Rice gave him a string to wear
on his finger.

Fortunately, President Bush also realizes that the fate of
the world rests with his ability to not accidentally destroy
it, a fact he articulated brilliantly in his memorable Oct.
3, 2004 "Bein’
president is hard work" speech.

The hard work can range from pronouncing wacky names like
"Abu
Ghraib" to deftly fielding trick questions as
he did April 14, 2004, in his inspirational "I’m
sure something will pop into my head" speech.

Veteran Bush watchers give the president high marks for his
"I think about Iraq every day" message, but most
agree it will be difficult for him to surpass the startling
audacity of his March 26, 2004, comic bomb — the spine-tickling
"Those
WMDs must be around here somewhere" oratory.

Senator
apolgizes for Nazi no-no

By John Breneman

With his jackboot-in-mouth use of the words “Nazi”
and “U.S. troops” in the same soundbite, Sen. Dick
Durbin invited a blitzkrieg of blowback and demonstrated once
again that mentioning Nazis in any context is about as smart
as cracking a bomb joke to an airport security guard.

Hitler rears his ugly head pretty regularly in the rough-and-tumble
world of dumbass remarks and humble apologies.

Pennsylvania
Sen. Rick Santorum had a Sgt. Schultz moment last
month. Wal-Mart
also did time in Stalag 13. Adolf even animated the Bush-Kerry
presidential war. And hapless Prince
Harry become a poster boy for Nazi numbskullism.

Bad sign for the state of American discourse that on the same
day Durbin
issued his apology, Indiana idiot Rep.
John Hostettler said that “like moths to a flame,
Democrats can’t help themselves when it comes to denigrating
and demonizing Christians.”

Oh the humanity. The Rev. Rep. Hostettler concluded his hyperbolic
House floor sermon by busting out a flaming cross to hold
the Jesus-hating, Nazi-loving Democratic heathens at bay.

Recent
advances have been made in the prevention of NFPS (Nazi Faux
Pas Syndrome). Research shows that a drug called Nazicept
is effective in regulating the area of the brain that compels
people to blurt out the word “Nazi.”

However, experts say it is vital that parents make sure their
children are aware of basic “Nazi etiquette.”

Right: “That Hitler was one evil son of a bitch.”

Wrong: “That Hitler had a pimped-out mustache.”

Right: “Adolf Hitler is the worst human being ever.”

Wrong: “Everybody knows (Hitler) was good at the beginning
but he just went too far.” (Former
Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott, 1996)

In a related development, the Nazi Police are pressuring filmmaker
Mel Brooks (“Springtime for Hitler”), Jerry Seinfeld
(“The Soup Nazi”) and the creators of “Hogan’s
Heroes” to issue retroactive apologies to anyone they
may have offended.

Related story:
When
Harry met Nazi — Jan. 14, 2005

Tyson
to fight Michael Jackson

By John Breneman

Boxing promoter Don
King sees two men in a ring: the King of Pop versus
the former king of popping people in the face.

That’s
right, in a classic showdown between bizarre, washed-up, girly-voiced
sex offenders, Mike Tyson will square off with Michael Jackson.
Former heavyweight champ versus reigning fast-fingered featherweight
chump. King is calling his Pay-Per-View spectacle "Thrilla
vs. Gorilla."

Possible venue: Manila.

One’s a rapist, the other’s a pedophile. One bit an opponent’s
ear off, the other mutilated his own nose. Both have lost
a fortune and need quick cash — Tyson for creditors and whores,
Jackson for a down payment on a state-of-the-art $5.2 million space-age polymer face.

The weight differential is substantial, with Tyson weighing
in at 242 pounds and Jackson tipping the scales at 136 ounces.

Tyson is the early favorite, but scrappy little Jacko learned
from his abusive dad how to absorb a good thrashing. Ringside
observers say his ability to moonwalk will help Jackson compensate
for the fact that Tyson is a stone vicious psycopath and he
is a delicate little fruitcake psychopath.

Wild pre-fight hype is a staple of any Don King event and
Tyson today took the first shot, demonstrating his well-earned
reputation
for outrageous, even cannibalistic, trash talk.

"I’m gonna cut him like a fish. Then I’m gonna eat his
liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti," said
Tyson. "I might sodomize him in the ring. I’m not sure
yet."

Jackson, not as adept in the vernacular of macho posturing,
retorted, "Oh yeah? Well I’m a smooth criminal. I’m dangerous."

After the bout, Jackson hopes to build Neverland parks for
cancer-afflicted children in Nigeria, Cambodia and Iraq. Tyson
said he plans to pursue a missionary position.

Schiavo
autopsy
reveals media in
persistent vegetative state

By John Breneman

The autopsy of Terri Schiavo has confirmed that not only
was Schiavo indeed in a persistent vegetative state, so too
is the entire media that exploited her tragic death with sensationally
executed overkill.

Analysis revealed that although the media’s ability to
reflexively emit knee-jerk, soundbite “coverage”
of important issues may make it appear there is cognitive
activity, in reality the media as we once knew it has gone
largely brain-dead.

“It’s worse than we thought,” said Sen.
Bill Frist (R-Tenn.), a physician who said the autopsy
in no way underscored what a moron he was for offering a politically
driven “medical opinion” that Schiavo wanted him
to rush to her defense.

Laughing from the sidelines, former
CBS News anchor Dan Rather said the media covered
Schiavo’s death “like a poison blanket on a hapless
Indian.”

Further evidence of a mentally incapacitated media was offered
during the macabre and madcap papal deathwatch, culminating
in FOX News anchor Shepard Smith’s premature ejaculation,
“Facts are facts, Pope John Paul II has now died.”
Smith
soon added, “Oops.”

Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart said it best in this video
clip, “The Schiavo feeding tube will soon be
removed from the cable news networks.”

Related news:

Burger
King intervenes in Schiavo case — March 30, 2005

"The
reports of my death are greatly exaggerated" –
Mark Twain

Pope
suffers pulled hamstring – March 25, 2005

Jacko verdict rocks the globe

By
John Breneman

Reaction to the Michael Jackson verdict has taken a violent
turn amid reports of anti-Jackson forces clashing with pro-Jacko
extremists around the globe.

Reporting live from Baghdad, Geraldo Rivera called the situation
there "bad" and "dangerous" as he described
a wave of looting, pillaging and baby dangling sparked by
the news that America’s most bizarre megastar was acquitted
on four counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

Several jurors were hospitalized for rabies shots after being
attacked outside the courthouse in Santa Maria, Calif., by
a pack of salivating media jackals. And an angry mob of molestation
victims lynched a Jackson look-alike in Jackson, Mississippi.

The Jacko verdict death toll now stands at one with more
fatalities expected in the days ahead, particularly in Sumatra
where a zookeeper sick of seeing that woman release doves
on TV responded by releasing a pair of man-eating tigers.

The situation was also tense in Madagascar, where the nation
is sharply divided into warring factions — those who worship
Jackson as a mystical putty-nosed deity and those who fear
him as a whitish-black anti-Christ capable of summoning a
fiery apocalypse with a wave of his sequin-gloved hand.

Fox News reported that much of the violence can be blamed
on Newsweek, which has since retracted an item saying Jackson
planned to celebrate by throwing a pajama party gangbang with
free "Jesus juice" for boys under 12.

In religious circles, the Rev. Jesse Jackson continued his
marathon "I’m with Jacko" filibuster and a Jackoist
monk imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay went on a hunger strike,
claiming guards mishandled his sacred copy of "Thriller."

* * *

Stay tuned to the Jacko
Channel for live updates from our Action Jackson 5 News
team.

Angelina Jolie romantically linked
to Kim Jong Il

Kim
Jong Il, maniacal president of North Korea and devoted movie
buff, has finally agreed to give up his lust for long-range
nuclear missiles in exchange for one night of forbidden passion
with Hollywood bombshell Angelina Jolie.

The swanky Axis of Evil party boy issued a statement saying
he likes "bad girls" and inviting Jolie to come
and personally inspect his "weapon of mass destruction."

A source close to Jolie’s luscious, pouty lips said the actress/international
activist is "intrigued" by the opportunity to defuse
the volatile North Korean whackjob. Hollywood insiders say
she’d love to put a Nobel Peace Prize next to the Oscar she
won for "Girl Interrupted" in 1999.

To sweeten the deal for Jolie, United Nations goodwill ambassador
and mother of an adopted Cambodian boy, Jong Il said she can
take her pick of cuddly impoverished North Korean infants.

"Hey, I’m no Brad Pitt. But I know how to party,"
said Jong Il. "And if Mr. Pitt wants a piece of me, my
bodyguards will go ‘Fight Club’ upside his pretty face."

Meanwhile, the international paparazzi is on a state of high
alert, with tabloids reportedly willing to pay up to $10.3
million for a photograph of the dictator "canoodling"
with the movie queen.

A spokesman said that if the Jolie negotiations fall through
Jong Il might be willing to bang Paris Hilton in exchange
for relinquishing a rusty Soviet machine gun.

Ronald McDonald undergoes ‘McMakeover’

By
John Breneman

Under doctor’s orders to change his greasy, high-fat diet
or die, fast-food superstar Ronald McDonald reportedly has
become a vegetarian.

Stung by complaints that he is a moronic poster clown for
childhood obesity, McDonald is reinventing himself as an athletic,
healthy-eating … clown. The "McMakeover"
includes a custom-tailored Armani sweatsuit, Nike cross-trainer
jumbo clown boots and a butt-load of liposuction.

Mr. McDonald said he felt a bit sluggish during his 42 years
as the company mascot, but never imagined that subsisting
solely on Quadruple Quarter-Pounders and extra-salty French
Fries was partly to blame. "Me and the Hamburglar didn’t
know any better," he says now.

McDonald credits the documentary "Supersize
Me" with helping him realize that he was being
"oppressed by the corporate goons of the red meat-industrial
complex." He said he hopes his new focus on good health
will help him realize his dream of playing in the NBA with
his good friend Yao Ming.

As part of his health regimen, McDonald now eats tofu and
does yoga each day. He has also sworn of booze, sleazy hookers,
heroin and crystal meth.

Related story:
(This one’s from when the guy sued McDonald’s for making
him fat)
The
People v. Ronald McDonald — July 30, 2002

Just got back from a trip to Florida.
Pretty smooth flight even though the pilot had a couple 12-packs in him.

In related news, the Humor Gazette’s IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:

Air travel is safe and
fun

Always check under your seat for terrorists before takeoff.

Never attempt to light a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash landing."

Children who refuse to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply on the head.

Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency door.

Passengers are encouraged to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso afloat.

Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick

Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi

By John Breneman

In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide
bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.

This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted
Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders,
to smithereens.

An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep
Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell
through for several reasons, including inclement weather and
a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven
is actually a load of camel dung.

"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager
for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just
an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide
bombings will resume tomorrow.

Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their
brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with
a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr
Manual," another had to attend his son’s graduation from
Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized
that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns
on killing innocent people in his name.

Other excuses included:
— overslept
— accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
— ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
— wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
— found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
— realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
— figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
material on eBay

Tune in to the 5 p.m. edition of IBS News for a followup
on our exclusive "Suicide Bomber Excuses" report.

(Note: the I-Team welcomes reader
submissions).