Jacko’s inner child cites years of abuse

By
John Breneman

The judge in the Michael Jackson molestation trial has agreed
to allow shocking photographic evidence of the singer’s
most severely traumatized alleged victim, his once-adorable
childhood self.

To substantiate the charge that he abuses young boys, prosecutors
introduced a photo of Michael Jackson at age 10, then placed
it next to a recent image of the freakish-looking pop star.

“Just look what Michael Jackson did to this innocent
little boy,” said Assistant District Attorney Ron Zonen.
“He took this precocious, joyful African American lad
and gradually turned him into hideous, perverted white woman.”

The jury gasped at the apparent physical and psychological
trauma evident in what the prosecution called “Exhibit
ABC.”

Jackson covered his face and pretended to almost faint. He
was then hospitalized overnight for dehydration, guilty conscience
and a quick nose job.

Meanwhile, the courtroom braced for blockbuster testimony
from another surprise witness, former Jackson confidant Bubbles
the Chimp.

Watergate source revealed to be porn star

By
John Breneman

The identity of America’s most famous anonymous source has
finally been laid bare. The Watergate informant known only
as "Deep Throat" is porn star Linda Lovelace, who
also starred in a movie by the same name.

Media analysts agree that the revelation gives new meaning
to the term "whistle blower."

Lovelace became a key figure in the 1974 resignation of President
Richard Nixon by offering the Washington Post sensational
information about kinky Republican shenanigans at the Watergate
Hotel.

Lovelace always denied her role in blowing the lid off the
Watergate scandal, saying in a 1999 interview with Hustler
magazine, "Mmmph bwallph gagh Nixolphg."

But investigative reporter Bob "The Wood Man" Woodward
today confirmed the explosive revelation about Lovelace and
said the spunky source urged him and colleague Carl Bernstein
to "follow the money shot."

After their reports revealed the president’s role in the
Watergate coverup, Nixon resigned in disgrace and went on
to star in the soft-core political porn movie "Tricky
Dick Does Dallas."

Mobster memo

Idea for mobster Vincent
“The Animal” Ferrara… Pick a specific
animal. No need to hog the whole animal kingdom, dude. There’s
plenty of species to go around.

The Shark. The Panther. The Tarantula. Now those names evoke
danger, power and terror as well as The Animal but with a
little extra zing. Though, you have to admit, The Animal does
have a certain uniquely animalistic quality to it.

But how about The Piranha? Man, those mothers are vicious.

The Wolverine. The Badger, nah.

Actually, I’ve always been partial to the fire ant.
They make a lovely nickname and they can also be utilized
to “rub out” an adversary with their fiery venom.

The Porcupine? I’m not messin’ with him.

The Penguin, wait that’s taken.

The Mongoose has potential. The Viper has a nice evil ring
to it. And you can’t beat The Jackal.
I don’t know, just a thought. The Animal probably works
best. Plus it would be a pain to change all the checks and
credit cards.

(Note to Mr. Animal. Please don’t "whack"
me… Sincerely, fire ant.)

Top baby name for 2005 is ‘Jacko’

Step
aside Joshua and Emily, Nicolas and Madison, the top baby
name so far in 2005 is Jacko.

Pay no attention to this “real
list” from the “government,” IBS News
has the inside dope from a “high-ranking source”
in the “administration.”

But with the obvious stigma attached to the name (Jackson
is charged with child molestation and self-induced facial
manslaughter), why are millions of devoted fans choosing to
name their infants Jacko, or for girls Jackolyn?

Note moniker expert Rachmaninoff Aspercreme Jr. believes that
new parents, like much of society at large, have been so brainwashed
by round-the-clock “Jacko” coverage that the word
has been literally drilled into their cerebral cortex. Jacko.

(IBS News will be following the Jacko story live for the
next hour so check back for possible updates. We return you
now to your regularly scheduled life.)

Fake news alert:

The Social Security Administration has just revealed that
the “Jacko is top baby name for 2005” story is a
hoax, this according to a high-ranking official close to the
other high-ranking official who leaked this “story”
to IBS News.

Anyone having any information on the allegedly false Jacko
baby name story is advised to email jacko@humorgazette.com

Beantown buzzing with Bono banter

With
a certain beloved Irish rock band in town for a three-night
stand, seems like everybody today is writing about U2. Me
too.

The Inside Track has tracked Bono to his ritzy
Boston bedroom.

Back in March, Bono
met with former deputy defense secretary and current World
Bank head Paul Wolfowitz. Bono, the only rock official
whose name was "bandied about" for the World Bank
post, pushed the Wolf Man to feed some cash to food agencies
and the Wolfinator gave Bono an idea for hit a song about
how great the war is going in Iraq.

Now Bono, though incredibly cool (“f—ing brilliant,”
you might say), has never been a heave the TV out the 12th-story
window kind of rock star. He’s more of an anti-poverty,
human rights, world peace kind of rock star.

Remember three years ago when he toured Africa with U.S.
Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill? Well, it just so happens
I sent an IBS News crew along and filed this must-read report:

Bono, O’Neill rattle and hum through Africa

By John Breneman

(May 28, 2002)  Irish pop legend Bono, now touring
Africa with U.S. Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill in hopes
of alleviating third world poverty, today challenged the western
world to do more to supply impoverished Africans with the
rocker’s favorite blue-tinted Romeo Gigli sunglasses and black
Prada boots.

"These Africans are very cool people. But think how
much bloody cooler they could be if they were able to dress
like me," Bono said during a visit to a Ford plant in
Pretoria, South Africa. The rock star reacted emotionally
to conditions at the plant, where he observed that many of
the workers were clad in dusty generic black sunglasses and
beat-up Herman’s Survivor boots.

Noting that the global economy works in "mysterious
ways," Bono said he visited an HIV clinic located "under
a blood red sky" in a part of Uganda "where the
streets have no name" and was impressed by the people
and their "unforgettable fire."

Hussein pulls lawsuit out of briefs
case

By
John Breneman

Saddam Hussein is threatening to slap The Sun with a $1 million
lawsuit for publishing pictures of him in his skivvies. Hussein
contends the incident has caused him emotional distress, though
not quite as much as being bombed out of his palace then busted
cowering in a dirt rathole.

The murderous dictator, who gassed his own countrymen for
fun, is also claiming the media has tarnished his image by
portraying him as a murderous dictator who gassed his own
countrymen for fun. He is being represented by the law firm
of Zarqawi, Chalabi & Dershowitz.

After debriefing President Bush, a Pentagon spokesman briefed
the press on the latest developments swirling around Saddam’s
briefs.

But Newsweek got the scoop again: According to an anonymous
source close to the guy who does Hussein’s laundry, the
half-naked madman is distraught that U.S. personnel allegedly
ruined his copy of the Koran in the washing machine.

Related fake news:
Saddam
Hussein seeking work as a media pundit

Atomic thrill-a-buster…

Congratulations, fellow "nuclear option" survivors.
The thrill-a-minute filibuster crisis is history.

Democracy as we know it has been saved, in a riveting Senate
showdown that most Americans find hopelessly boring compared
to the unfolding drama involving Saddam Hussein’s underpants.

A recent IBS News poll reveals that 92% of U.S. media consumers
instinctively fall into a deep slumber when hearing the term
"stalled judicial nominations," but are easily revived
by the words “half-naked Iraqi madman.”

Meanwhile, with all the attention focused on the Senate’s
so-called “nuclear option,” Iran has reportedly
developed the capacity to suppress dissent using chemical
and biological filibusters. Worse yet, North Korea is said
to be six months away from deploying a neutron filibuster
that destroys all humans within earshot but leaves the buildings
standing.

Click
here to visit John Breneman’s new blog at BostonHerald.com

Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs

By
John Breneman

President Bush said today that photos published in a London
tabloid prove Saddam Hussein possessed a terrifying arsenal
of BVDs.

Calling the images "horrifying" and "definitely
not sexy," Bush invited the civilized world to join him
in mocking the defrocked dictator and his feeble act of "half-naked
aggression."

When reminded that his reason for war was Hussein’s WMDs
and not his BVDs, the president grinned and said, "Naked
aggression, heh-heh."

Responding to charges that the U.S. only inflames anti-American
hatred with stories about Koran shenanigans and photo of scantily
clad dictators and pig-piled detainees, President Bush said,
"C’mon, we’re not trying to humiliate the man. I mean,
we’ve almost got that sucker potty trained. Wacky little madman.
I’ve got his pistol."

Bush explained that the controversial photographs were actually
part of an elaborate prank pulled by Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld.

"Yeah, Rumsfeld punked him," said Bush, "somehow
convinced him he was getting a conjugal visit from Angelina
Jolie." But instead of a pouty-lipped sexpot, Hussein
instead found himself on a blind date with an elite U.S. paparazzi
unit.

A spokesman said Hussein is eager to begin filing lawsuits
and added that, despite the circumstances, the aspiring Hanes
poster boy feels "good all under."

A high-ranking lieutenant in the Hugo Boss organization said
Hussein could have a promising future in the underwear industry.
"Bad is good, evil is money and Hussein’s got this sort
of Marky Mark meets Hitler thing going."

Calvin Klein could not be reached for comment.

Shiite hits the fan over bum Newsweek
report

By
John Breneman

Newsweek reported today that, for the third consecutive week,
the Koran is ranked #1 on the New York Times most-flushed-down-the-toilet
list.

The magazine’s controversial report about alleged mistreatment
of the holy book has sparked outrage in the Muslim world and,
of course, plenty of senseless killings. Osama bin Laden vowed
to seek vengeance by farting on a Bible if someone could just
FedEx one to his cave.

Other books contending for the top spot on the prestigious
most-flushed list: "Suicide Bomber’s Guide to the Galaxy"
by Douglas Adams, Mitch Albom’s "Tuesdays With Moammar"
and the final installment in the Star Wars saga, "Revenge
of the Shiite."

Plumbers have also reported handling an increase in wadded-up
copies of "The Da Vinci Code," particularly in Catholic
households. Also swirling in the literary hopper, best-selling
vowel movements by Jane Fonda, Bob Dole, Zell Miller, Suzanne
Somers, Queen Noor, Jenny McCarthy and the Welches, Jack and
Suzy.

And just out on paperback, "The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Insurgents" and Mitch Albom’s other chart-topper,
"The Five Nubile Virgins You Meet in Heaven."

(Real news alert: "Fear and Loathing in Las
Vegas" by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson clocked in at #33 on
the Times’ Paperback Nonfiction list … right behind "The
Making of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.")

Rolling Fossils
announce world tour

By John Breneman

The Rolling Stones, affectionately known as the Rolling Fossils,
have announced plans for a worldwide "Rock the Hospice"
tour opening Aug. 21 at Fenway Park and marking the first
time the Stones have played Boston since 1918.

In a related development, archaeologists have unearthed evidence
that the band, originally thought to have formed in London
in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic
forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.

Rock historians are ecstatic over the discovery, reportedly
a Stone Age fossil bearing the impression of a giant set of
human lips with a tongue sticking out.

Also found at the scene, several flint guitar picks and a
sheath of woolly mammoth skin with the lyrics to the Stones
hit "Monkey Man," now being interpreted as a biting
musical commentary on mankind’s evolution from Neanderthal
to Cro-Magnon.

The discoveries suggest that wrinkly frontman Mick Jagger,
until recently thought to be 61 years old, is actually closer
to 6,100. Nevertheless, the cocky, Viagara-popping rocker was
recently named "Sexiest Sexagenarian Alive" by AARP
magazine.

The Stones (also known as "Their Arthritic Majesties")
have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their
advanced age. The following is a partial list of old favorites
the band is expected to play.