Homeland Security Dept. spokesman Jason urged Americans to be extra alert on Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
‘bad luck’ alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck"
advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid
the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves
with rabbits’ feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained
thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at
Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and
uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step
on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the
risk of one’s mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost
or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape
will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn’t
waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent
piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans
that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years
bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney’s
head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn’t worry about Friday the
13th because he has everything under control, but conventional
wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.

Tonight on The Jacko Channel …

5:00 p.m.   "Jacko Celebrity
Poker"  —  Watch Jacko try to bluff his
way to riches with a measly pair of jacks.

5:30 p.m.   "Everybody
Loves Jacko"  —  Deborah frets
about whether to leave Jacko alone with the twins, Jeffrey
and Michael.

6:00 p.m.   "Jacko-tainment
Tonight"  —  Exclusive
unsubstantiated chatter about Jacko’s affair with Paula Abdul’s
kid brother.

6:30 p.m.   "World
Wrestling Federation Presents: Jacko Smackdown"
 —  Can you smell what Jacko is cookin’?

7:00 p.m.   "Jacko
Fear Factor"  —  Watch the Speedo-clad
Jacko eat live maggots while dangling upside-down from a moving
helicopter.

8:00 p.m.   "CSI:
Neverland"  —  Gil Grissom and
his team of forensic sleuths comb Neverland for clues about
Jacko’s involvement in a grisly serial killing.

9:00 p.m.   "Law &
Order: Jacko Victims Unit"  — 
Detective Ice-T comes down hard on an alleged pop star pedophile.

10:00 p.m.   "The
O’Jacko Factor"  —  Jacko berates
hapless liberals, says he doesn’t see anything wrong with
sharing his bed with Rush Limbaugh.

11:00 p.m.   "Extreme
Race and Gender Makeover"  —  An
exclusive, behind-the-scenes report on how Jacko fulfilled
his dream of becoming a scary-looking white woman.

12: 00 a.m.   "Mister
Jacko’s Neighborhood"  —  Can you
say "molestation"? A friendly, cardigan-clad Jacko
entertains the kids with help from King Friday and Mr. McFeely.

Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden

FBI profilers say Osama bin Laden’s psycopathic behavior is rooted in conflicted feelings about his mother (pictured above).

By John Breneman

Authorities hunting for Osama bin Laden tracked the elusive
terrorist mama’s boy to Akbar’s House of Flowers in Afghanistan,
where he sent his mom a cheap bouquet and a cheesy card promising
"the mother of all Mother’s Days."

"Dear Mimsie — Ten thousand virgins could not stop
me from showering you with hatred, I mean love," read
the card, which was intercepted by U.S. authorities and also
included a gift certificate for a new burka from Old Navy.

One FBI profiler claims bin Laden’s all-consuming quest to
"kill whitey" is rooted in unresolved feelings about
his mother, who reportedly pushed him to become a doctor,
lawyer or oil tycoon and did not hide her disappointment when
he instead became an international hate-monger.

Sources say the young bin Laden grew up hopelessly confused
about how his mother’s reverence for Allah squared with her
passion for Western television programs like "Maude,"
"The Jeffersons" and "Love, American Style."

Margaret "Ma" bin Laden once told Geraldo Rivera
that she tried to get young Osama to play baseball or marbles,
but he was always too busy waging backyard "holy wars"
against imaginary "infidels." She also confided
that she long ago gave up her dream that he would someday
buy her a cable-ready condominium in Palm Beach.

Forces nab Jacko’s #2 man in Pakistan

Authorities say Abu Faraj al-Libbi is Michael Jackson’s #2 man in Iraq.

By John Breneman

Al
Qaeda’s #3 leader, captured this week by Pakistani forces,
is also a top-ranking Michael Jackson lieutenant in the region,
according to completely fabricated reports.

Abu Faraj al-Libbi, a blotchy-faced Libyan terror kingpin,
reportedly suffers the same skin condition as the embattled
King of Pop, whom he met at a vitiligo victims support group
in 1992.

Sources say the pop star had a profound influence on the
young jihadist, who later worked as a Michael Jackson impersonator
and is known in some circles as "Iraq-O Jacko."

Al-Libbi refused to reveal any information about his relationship
with Jackson, but under intense questioning with women’s underwear
strapped to his head revealed that he once saw Osama bin Laden
molest his pet chimpanzee, Lord Fauntleroy.

He said he had last seen bin Laden six months ago at a Ramada
Inn in Baghdad, where the al Qaeda boss had arranged a secret
rendezvous to share tips about eluding manhunts with notorious
Boston mobster Whitey Bulger.

Bin Laden usually registers under the aliases Al Carter,
Fred Bush or Sammy McLaden, according to Al-Libbi, who also
confessed that bin Laden hates broccoli, has a schoolboy crush
on Laura Bush and never travels far unless accompanied by
his harem of bisexual monkeys.

Frito Bandito busted on immigration charges

By
John Breneman

Immigration officials say they arrested the Frito Bandito
at the Mexican border today trying to transport an 18-wheeler
full of illegal aliens to a corn chip-processing facility
in Chula Vista, California.

While officials from Homeland Security and the Department
of Justice wrangled for jurisdiction over the case some FBI
men tried to interrogate the alleged Bandito, but all he would
say was, "We don’t need no stinking badges."

The legendary snack food icon reportedly went "underground"
after Doritos and Cheetos and extra-strength Tostitos surpassed
his once-dominant Fritos in popularity among American consumers,
then quickly climbed to #1 on the INS "most wanted"
list.

The heavily armed Bandito surrendered without a firefight,
but he now claims he was roughed up by Immigration Dept. agents
who he claims yanked his mustachio and ruined his sombrero.
He referred all questions to his attorney F. Lee "Speedy"
Gonzalez.

Related
story:
Bin Laden
eludes Wile E. Coyote

Also under investigation
by the Humor Gazette:

Jolly Green Giant files racial
discrimination lawsuit

Pres. Bush awards Congressional Medal of Freedom to Captain
Crunch

Runaway bride-to-be abducted by aliens

By
John Breneman

The Georgia bride-to-be who disappeared days before her wedding
and told police she had been kidnapped has vanished again,
this time leaving a note saying she had been abducted by two
alien beings in a blue spaceship.

Jennifer Carol Wilbanks, 32, hopped a bus to Las Vegas last
week and turned up Friday in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where
she faces charges of false reporting of a crime and yelling
"Fire!" in a crowded theater.

Authorities say that upon returning home to Duluth, Georgia,
Wilbanks reunited with her jilted fiancé, rescheduled
her nuptials for today and upped the number of bridesmaids
and groomsman to 18 each.

But this morning family members found a note from Wilbanks
saying a pair of alien thugs had forced her to board a late-model
UFO. There was also evidence that she had shed her Earth clothing
and shaved her head.

Police say they are not buying the UFO story and are pursuing
an anonymous tip regarding alleged DNA similarities between
the bride and groom. They said other possible reasons for
her latest disappearance include depression over how the moral
decline of the media threatens the sanctity of marriage and
bad hair day.

President pumps petroleum plan

By
John Breneman

Stating that America will run out of gas by 2041 if we do
not act now, President Bush last night unveiled an Energy
Security reform plan that gives people the option of establishing
personal petroleum accounts.

The nation forgot to have an energy strategy for the last
few decades so "now we find ourselves in the fix we’re
in," the president explained during a rare press conference.
He said as soon as he heard Americans were worried about high
gas prices he invited the Saudi
prince out to his ranch to talk about reducing our
dependence on foreign sources of oil.

Bush’s own quest for black gold began shortly after college
when he bummed some capital off his dad’s pals and started
an oil company called Arbusto.
But his drills came up dry and the thing went busto. Energy
analysts say it is too early to tell if his military drilling
of Iraq will yield dividends.

President Bush also used the news conference to remind people
of his controversial plan to fix
Social Security by funneling tons of funds to Wall
Street.

Asked for his view on the role of faith in American politics,
President Bush said each individual’s relationship with his
or her SUV is "a personal matter."

A White House spokesman gave the president’s performance
high marks, except for the part where he accidentally
distanced himself from powerful right-wing religious fanatics.

Related story:
Jon
Stewart explains Social Security reform

Bush puts the moves on Saudi prince

Despite some flirtatious hand-holding, sources say President Bush couldn’t get to second base with swarthy Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah.

By John Breneman

Holding hands with his special friend Prince Abdullah, President
Bush said today he tried everything to get the bashful Saudi
monarch to drop the price of oil — from flowers and chocolates
to butterfly kisses and promises of geopolitical favors.

But don’t expect Bush’s wooing to pay off at the pump. Despite
charming him with pickup truck rides and brush-clearing lessons,
sources say the president couldn’t even get to second base
with the sexy Saudi.

However, the two men did share a hearty laugh at one point.
When Bush asked what he could do to reduce America’s dependence
on foreign oil, Abdullah quipped that he could urge people
to drive more fuel-efficient vehicles. The president managed
to keep a straight face for a few seconds before erupting,
"Heh, heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh."

Sources say the president rejected diplomatic advice from
Tom Bolton, the controversial United Nations nominee who said
Bush should order a Secret Service man to get the prince in
a chokehold and push his face into the windshield of Bush’s
pickup truck until he cried "Uncle Sam" and agreed
to drop oil prices.

Instead, Bush gave the prince a piggy-back ride around his
Crawford, Texas, ranch and engaged in some playful banter
about Saudi Arabia’s woeful human rights record. The prince
also showed off his mischievous side, at one point gesturing
to the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, and asking the president,
"How much for the women?"

When pressed about the high cost of crude, the prince said
he could maybe knock off a penny or two, but explained that
he had a fiduciary responsibility to his wealthy backers to
keep their profits as high as possible. Bush said he understood
completely.

After his play date with the prince, Bush said he will keep
trying to seduce the Saudis but won’t waver from his strategy
of seeking new sources of oil in protected wildlife refuges
and politically unstable regimes.

Pope says: Don’t call me ‘Eggs’ Benedict
XVI

By
John Breneman

The new pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI, today sent a strong signal
that he will have little tolerance for anyone blasphemous
enough to address him by the nickname "Eggs," as
in Pope "Eggs" Benedict XVI.

A source close to the Egg Man said he was afraid this might
happen when he selected the name Benedict, but decided to
forge bravely ahead rather than switch at the last minute
to Pius or Cyrus or Dubya.

The new pope, a German cardinal named Joseph Ratzinger ("Joey
Rats" to his Sicilian friends), has been called "Panzer
Cardinal" and "God’s rottweiler" by critics,
but he also answers to "God’s pit bull" and "God’s
schnauzer." He did serve in the Hitler Youth as a boy,
but escaped without being tagged with the nickname "Nazi
Joe."

The custom of papal nicknames dates back to the very first
pope, St. Peter (32-67 A.D.), an orange-faced, triangle-eyed
pontiff called "Pumpkin Eater" by his foes.

Almost every Pope Boniface has been called "Old Bony
Face" and Pope Eugene IV (1431-47) was haunted by the
epithet "Gene, Gene, Pontificating Machine." Of
course, the papal wagsters were merciless with Pope Sisinnius
(708 A.D.).

The newly installed Pope "Don’t Call Me Eggs" Benedict
pledged to be a divider, not a uniter, by spreading his message
that Allah and Buddha can hit the bricks because the Roman
Catholic Church is the one true religion.

Humor Gazette spokesmodel Tiffany Tiara-Smith celebrates being crowned Miss Satire.

Humor Gazette thanks
‘the little people’
for Satire Awards

By John Breneman

Thanks largely to an impressive turnout by the "my mom"
demographic, the Humor Gazette has won first-place honors
in four categories in the quarterly contest sponsored by The
Satire Awards.

The $1.2 million in imaginary prize money ($37.25 after taxes)
will be used to break ground on the 56-story Humor Gazette
Building in downtown Manhattan and hire five new writers,
four of them monkeys.

Below
is a scene from the lavish, red-carpet Satire Awards ceremony,
held this year at an abandoned warehouse in Pismo Beach, Nebraska:

"In addition to the proverbial ‘little people,’ I’d
like to thank President George W. Bush, without whom none
of this would be possible. Thanks also to Donald Rumsfeld,
Saddam Hussein, John Kerry, Yasser Arafat, Britney Spears,
Speed Racer and Jacko. My sincere gratitude Humor Gazette
technical guru Jeff Raper; yes ladies, that’s his real name.

(Red light flashed 10 seconds ago; music begins playing)

… and I’d like to thank my crack team of attorneys,
agents, publicists, existential satirists, botox aestheticians
and liposuction technicians. Oh and Johnny and Ronnie and
Pee-Wee and Osama and Moammar and Groucho and Hunter and Jose
and Howard and we’ll always have Paris … and Martha and
John Paul and the Donald … and Jesus Christ and Condoleezza
Rice …

(Long hooked cane appears from Stage Left and yanks hapless
douche behind curtain)

Satire Award winners from the last quarter include:
1st — Most believable: Rumsfeld
offers proof of link between Saddam Hussein and … Rumsfeld
1st — Best Headline: Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed
1st — Best Current Events: A
tip of the hat to Arafat
1st — Best Celebrity: Scent
of a pop tart: Britney’s new perfume
2nd — Best Presidential: Pet
Goats for Bush in ’04
2nd — Best Related Picture: Baby
Pees on Bush
2nd — Best Site Design
3rd — Best Sports: Donkeys
defeat Elephants in political football

Humor Gazette CEO Arturo DiMaunchie today announced a new
initiative to get people to vote for the Gazette in the next
installment of the seemingly perpetual Satire Awards competition,
saying the awards boost morale on the publication’s one-person
staff.

Enter
private voting booth here

EDITOR’S NOTE: After a brief sabbatical from 20 years
in real journalism to focus on fake news writing, I am back
in the workforce as an overnight online editor at BostonHerald.com.
Looks like I’ll be writing some columns too.    –
– John Breneman

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