Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush

First Lady Laura Bush said the fact that her husband is "ripped" does not prove he did steroids with Jose Canseco.

By John Breneman

Former pro baseball knucklehead Jose Canseco claims in his
new book that he shared steroids not only with the slugger
Mark McGwire, but also with George W. Bush.

Canseco goes on to speculate that Bush’s subsequent behavior
— including his dishonest and boneheaded leadership in the
Iraq war — may be a result of the phenomenon known as "roid
rage."

Canseco claims that Bush — whose daddy’s friends gave him
a cushy baseball job with the Texas Rangers after he lost
his shirt in the oil industry — confided his desire to "get
big" and admitted he didn’t see it happening in business
or politics. Canseco says that when he suggested steroids,
Bush grinned and said, "Bring ’em on."

Bush, who served as a co-owner of the Rangers when Canseco
joined the team in 1992, denied any knowledge of steroid use
and claimed he has no recollection of the psychologically
deranged he-man ever poking him in the ass with a needle.

The White House issued a statement saying that when Bush
brought Canseco to Texas he had no clue that everyone else
in the world knew the artificially pumped-up player was a
poster boy for steroids.

Canseco — who also claims to have injected Barbara Bush,
Rush Limbaugh and Arnold Schwarzenegger — is unrepentant about
his own steroid use, saying that without the drug he might
never have become the only man in baseball history to have
a fly ball bounce off his head and into the stands for a home
run.

This just in: The White House is denying a report that Canseco
obtained nuclear weapons from North Korea in exchange for
shooting steroids into the buttocks of Kim Jong Il.

Related story:
How
Bush scored big with the Texas Rangers

Humor Gazette:
Steroids infiltrating
Washington, Wall Street

Gunfight
at the WMD Corral

By John Breneman

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has challenged President
George W. Bush to a nuclear showdown, daring the president
to meet him at high noon Sunday in a tumbleweed-infested ghost
town near Pyongyang.

The reclusive dictator boasted that he’s got a nifty arsenal
of nuclear weapons and an itchy trigger finger. He also renounced
the ongoing six-party disarmament talks and said he is sick
of talk.

"Talk is cheap. It’s go time," said Kim Jong Il,
who offered Bush his choice of .45-kiloton nuclear revolvers
or shoulder-mounted Nuke-a-Bazooka warheads.

President Bush called Kim Jong Il a "tyrant and a madman."

Kim Jong Il called President Bush a "madman and a tyrant."

Both men trash-talked the other’s daddy, and Bush said Kim
Jong Il reminded him of the arch-villain Dr. Evil from the
Austin Powers movies.

"That guy kills me," said Kim Jong Il, standing
next to a midget dressed identically in olive drab and large
tinted sunglasses. "Axis of Evil, bring ’em on, dead
or alive… He’s got a million of ’em."

"This town ain’t big enough for the both of us,"
said Kim Jong Il, who reportedly is a big fan of American
westerns and gangster movies.

"Don’t make me come over there and attach electrodes
to your genitals," responded Bush, who announced a plan
to replace the North Korea’s hard-line Communist regime with
a violent, unstable pseudo-democracy.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld offered to send some people
to pin Kim Jong Il’s arm behind his back until he cries "Uncle
Sam."

In other nuclear news:
Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan, accidentally
detonated a small nuclear device in his office yesterday.
Musharraf reported that he was "cleaning the weapon"
when all of a sudden it "just went off."

Tinky Winky claims ‘Jacko touched me’

Appearing on "Hardball" to discuss recent allegations
that SpongeBob SquarePants is homosexual, beloved children’s
entertainer Tinky Winky admitted falling into severe depression
back in 1999 when Rev.
Jerry Falwell accused him of being a purse-toting moral deviant.

Having
his manhood impugned by an attention-seeking televangelist
was bad enough, but Mr. Winky said the worst part of his ordeal
was fending off the amorous advances of pop star Michael Jackson.

During a visit to Jackson’s Neverland ranch, Mr. Winky said
he felt positively gay while riding roller-coasters and feeding
giraffes, but became uncomfortable after Mr. Jackson gave
him some "funny-tasting" Kool-Aid and then dangled
him over a balcony.

Mr. Winky said he grew increasingly uneasy as his host talked
about a game they could play with the Elephant Man’s bones,
then fled the compound when Mr. Jackson "touched me on
my private antenna."

A spokesman for Mr. Jackson denied the allegation, but said
there is nothing wrong with sharing your bed with a plush
purple doll.

Pressed for details, Mr. Winky said he will have more to
say during an upcoming segment of
"60 Minutes" that also features Pee-Wee Herman and
Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

Gazette exclusive: Tinky
Winky talks (Feb. 28, 1999)

Patriots must wage war to be true ‘dynasty’

By John Breneman

The
big question — now that the New England Patriots secured
the third Super Bowl victory in four years 24-21 over the
Philadelphia Eagles — is whether the team can legitimately
be called a "dynasty."

Every football fan has endured seeing this question posed
dozens of times on TV over the last couple days. But most
geopolitical football analysts agree that a team cannot truly
be called a dynasty until it takes over a couple small countries
and contributes something significant to the betterment of
human culture.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, of course, seized Honduras and Guatemala
in a daring daylight offensive in 1978, sacking two dictators
and installing Mean Joe Greene as a menacing Minister of Defense
whose Terrible Towel-based economy brought a period of prosperity.

The San Francisco 49ers needed only 1:57 to march the length
of Liberia in 1985 and successfully convert much of West Africa
to a West Coast offense.

The Green Bay Packers, led by Gen. Vince Lombardi and aerial
ace Bart Starr, easily plundered Greenland in 1963 and protected
the frozen tundra there from intruders for two decades while
building athletic academies and introducing the practice of
wearing cheese wedges upon the head.

But the brash Dallas Cowboys dynasty of the 1990s crumbled
when Jerry Jones tried to expand his "America’s Team"
empire with a disastrous bid to acquire Mexico and Colombia.

So do the Patriots qualify for a dynasty under the seemingly
benevolent Bob Kraft regime?

Let’s just say we’ll be better equipped to answer that question
once gridiron strategist Bill Belichik sends Bruschi and the
boys over to bum rush Iraq, intercept Iran, and install an
efficient ball-control democracy.

Al Jazeera to broadcast Super Bowl

By
John Breneman

Now that they’ve experienced the thrill of voting, the Iraqi
people are set to kick back on their couches and munch Halliburton
snack pouches while enjoying the ultimate symbol of American
glory — the Super Bowl.

The game will be broadcast for the first time on al Jazeera,
which is hyping Sunday’s showdown as "American Gridiron
Devils XXXIX." In keeping with Super Bowl tradition,
the Arabic telecast commercials will feature farting camels
and scantily-clad detainees pitching pills for a debilitating
condition called "Iraq-tile dysfunction."

The halftime show — featuring an extravagant display of
surface-to-air fireworks — will have a five-second delay
to guard against any possible burka malfunction when Janet
Jackson takes center stage with Bo Jackson, Jesse Jackson
and Samuel L. Jackson in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian
democracy.

Michael Jackson could not be in Jacksonville for the game,
but the King of Pop — who joined
the Nation of Islam for about 24 hours in Dec. 2003
— has taped a message congratulating Muslim fans on the selection
of their favorite player, Patriots running back Rabih Abdullah,
to the first-ever Allah-Madden Team.

President Bush will also appear via satellite, offering pre-game
safety tips to protect novice football fans from the ever-present
danger of choking
on a pretzel.

Related stories:

Super
Bowl XXXVIII: Thanks for the mammaries

Donkeys
defeat Elephants in political football

Groundhog predicts nuclear winter

By
John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Pennsylvania groundhog
who in popular lore is credited with being able to predict
the coming of spring, popped out today and predicted the onset
of an apocalyptic nuclear winter. The animal then scurried
back into its heavily fortified underground bunker.

President Bush responded by pledging to smoke
the animal out of its burrow, if necessary summoning assistance
from noted groundhog control expert Bill Murray.

But with all the commotion over Groundhog Day,
the liberal, pro-groundhog news media has once again neglected
other equally deserving members of the animal kingdom and
their ability to forecast everything from optimum agricultural
conditions to fluctuations in the stock market.

For example: We know that, in most cultures,
if the livestock act jittery it means that a devastating earthquake
or tornado is coming soon. But few humans are aware that people
in some parts of South America look to the agile spider monkey
to help them determine when the rainy season will come.

If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its
tail from a tree limb while munching a fistful of berries,
the rainy season will come at the normal time. However, if
the monkey is seen reading a copy of "Curious George
Defoliates a Rain Forest" and chain-smoking a pack of
Marlboro 100s, it is taken to mean that the rainy season will
be delayed by 17 days.

In Portsmouth, N.H., city officials have been
known to use the ordinary household canine to influence civic
policy. If a dog is seen "doing its business" near
the swingset in a park frequented by children, this invariably
means six more months of City Council debate on whether stringent
leash laws or designated dog parks are needed.

And
in many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark’s fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed that the
tourist season will either be slow or marred by gruesome tragedy.

History confirms that utilizing animals in this
fashion is by no means a recent phenomenon. As far back as
1807, Napoleon Bonaparte is said to have entrusted a praying
mantis named "Admiral Green" to advise him on when
to launch military strikes.

Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated
an uncanny knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of
one’s mother-in-law, and the cuddly koala has been known to
give profitable insider tips to stock brokers dabbling in
the volatile eucalyptus market.

In some segments of the scientific community,
it is believed that if a single-call protozoan life form being
examined under an electron microscope sees its shadow and
begins to undergo meiotic division of its nuclei, then there
will be six more weeks of accelerated binary fission.

Millions of these "Punxsutawney Paramecium"
can be found in a single drop of pond water. Ah, the wonders
of nature. And we haven’t even mentioned the amazing powers
of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the mud dauber
wasp.

Dewey hammers Truman in Iraqi election

By
John Breneman

The Iraqi election is being hailed as a triumphant first
step in that country’s violent transition to an Islamocratic
form of government, and a mandate for President Bush’s crusade
to rid the world of non-democracy.

The vote was widely seen as a crushing defeat for Terrorist
Party leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, whose effort to literally
"take out" the vote yielded a pathetic single-digit
turnout of suicide bombers. A spokesman for Al Qaeda suggested
Zarqawi may have squandered too much on his anti-election
warchest on costly attack ads boasting of Election Day attacks.

The networks reported that turnout might have been somewhere
around 60 percent (margin of error 10.6 inky blue fingers),
while devoting approximately 60 percent of their coverage
to speculation on how the strong turnout would affect everything
from the price of oil to the New York Stock Exchange and the
all-important Fatwa Index.

FOX News blasted Al Jazeera, Al Arabiya and Al Franken for
biased coverage, while offering "fair and balanced"
commentary accusing U.S. liberals of "rooting for the
insurgents."

The highlight from the FOX newsroom — where anchors actually
read the line "only one network has real journalism"
— was when Shepard Smith personally heralded Geraldo Rivera
for his "impressive" work reporting on what the
day meant to Geraldo.

One exit poll said 99 percent of the voters believe terrorists
are "morons and assholes" and reactions on the streets
of Baghdad ranged from that annoying high-pitched ululating
sound to joyous shouts of "Holy Shiite!"

President Bush’s approval rating among Iraqis skyrocketed
to a record-high 3.2 percent, prompting White House speculation
that if he rolled through Baghdad in a ticker-tape parade,
Bush would be showered with sweets, flowers … and that
annoying high-pitched ululating sound.

An administration spokesperson added that the Iraq vote could
pave the way for future elections in Iran, Syria, North Korea
and other naughty governments on the president’s regime-change
list.

Despite a few hanging jihads, the election was considered
a raging success. But most holy war pundits agree it will
still be a rocky road to Iraqi democracy.

Global warming caused

by increased activity in Hell

By
John Breneman

Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have
solved the mystery of global warming.

A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev.
Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual
rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes
in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but
rather by increased activity in Hell.

Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis,
Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature
climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is
caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly
to Hades.

For example:

— Snatching of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous
fiscal year.

— Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 10.3 percent,
due in part to double-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and
greed during the 1980s and 90s.

— Underworld space constraints have caused a construction
boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

The Helsinki report also cited charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization
of the oil-rich Middle East.

Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the
University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone,
no smoking gun."

"This is just another example of the Devil being used
as a scapegoat for man’s innate tendency toward stupidity
and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference
held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.

Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary
of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.

"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch — call
him what you will — has been around for thousands of years
perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now,
all of a sudden? It doesn’t make sense."

The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained,
because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington,
D.C.

President looking
to earn some extra cash

By
John Breneman

President Bush announced today he needs another $80 billion
to keep fighting his war in Iraq. But when critics hammered
him over where he expects America to come up with that kind
of cash, the president said he is thinking of getting a part-time
job.

"Bein’ president is hard work," said Bush. But
he added that he’s willing to pump gas or get a paper route
if it helps bring democracy to the whole wide world.

The president said he’d like to dig for oil in the Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge a couple nights a week or maybe use
his Texas tough talk to get some of those Guantanamo detainees
to spill the beans. And, when it comes to people like Mr.
Bush who have the clout to dish out lucrative no-bid defense
contracts, Halliburton is always hiring.

But those closest to the president say the job he is best
suited for is "clearing brush," an activity that
already occupies more of his time than, say, researching issues
like global climate change that are critical to the future
of our world.

And though there is not much brush to be found around the
Washington D.C. Beltway, insiders say there is plenty of "dead
wood" scattered throughout most government office buildings
and even the halls of Congress.

Other possible part-time jobs for the leader of the free
world include reading books to children during times of crisis,
knocking down that pesky wall between Church and State and
coming up with priceless material for late-night comedians.

Shedding our cell-phone hangups

By
John Breneman

Hello? Yeah, it’s me. Due to recent advancements in technology
and marketing, I am now convinced that I can no longer exist
without a cell phone. Lately I’ve noticed that almost everyone
is having great fun chatting into them while walking down
the street or weaving down the interstate.

Can you hear me now? I’m told Virgin Mobile has cherry deals
for cell-phone virgins and, no, I don’t believe reports that
the radiation causes brain damage in laboratory rats.

From watching TV, I am aware that cellular phone manufacturers
are always innovating, dreaming up new ways for consumers
to enjoy their product. The people at Nextel say you can now
utilize their popular 6600 model to insulate yourself from
non-cellular sensory experience and blot out up to 90% of
the annoying audiovisual stimuli produced by the world around
you.

Sanyo says you can hear voices in your RX100 while doing
yoga, sitting through interminable religious services or tucking
in the baby. If you’re hip to the hype you know a shiny Samsung
can help you feel young, Audiovox rocks and Panasonic is simply
symphonic. Talk about the old hard sell, a slick-talking nametag
at Circuit City assured me I can "choke my Nokia"
whenever and wherever I please.

So don’t tell me it’s unsafe to zigzag down the highway with
a phone in my hand and a voice in my head. Wheeling and dealing
behind the wheel is all part of the deal. Why else would Motorola
make an 8-megapixel i860 equipped with overhead cameras and
a factory hemi?

Another thing that appeals to me about the cellular telephone
craze is that they are always coming out with "cool"
new phrases to use on your "cell." The following
are "in" for 2005:

— "Lemme speed up, I can’t hear you with all these
stupid cars honking at me."
— "At the end of the day I just want to diversify my
portfolio."
— "While I’m here, do we need any analgesic? Cube steak?"
— "And so I was, like, whatever."
— "Sorry, I can ba–ly underst–d wh– you’re s–ing
with all this f—ing st-tic."
— "No thanks. I don’t want to consider switching to
a new plan."
— "Hang on while I finish up this orgasm."

Yet despite all these swell advancements (smell-phones by
Calvin Klein, coming soon) cellular communication has its
detractors, those who would stem cell-phone research for ethical
reasons. How dare they? Freedom of wireless speech is guaranteed
in the U.S. Cellular Constitution …

Hold on a second, I think I feel something vibrating in my
pants.