Bush sworn in on a stack of Bibles

By
John Breneman

Basking in the glory of his terrific/horrific war to liberate/obliterate
Iraq, President George W. Bush used his inaugural address
today to take aim at a new goal: "the greatest achievements
in the history of freedom."

The president’s grand plan to end tyranny by bullying the
world into liberty was revealed shortly after Chief Justice
William H. Rehnquist administered the presidential oaf of
office. Bush insisted on taking the oath with his left hand
resting upon "a whole stack of Bibles" to reflect
his personal commitment to using religious imagery for personal
gain.

The history-minded president evoked the memory of John F.
Kennedy by recalling that turning point at age 40 when Bush
quit his beloved booze, made God his new best pal and said
to himself, "Ask not what your Daddy can do for you —
ask what you can do to be more like your Daddy."

After saying "freedom" 27 times and "liberty"
on 15 occasions, President Bush Jr. concluded with a word
from his loyal colleague and trusted adviser, the Lord: "May
God bless you, and may He kick the ass of anyone who messes
with the United States of America."

The White House dismissed criticism of the $40 million spent
on Bush’s lavish inauguration, saying that amount wouldn’t
even pay for seven hours of his nifty $1-billion-a-week war.
An additional $20 million security effort insured that insurgent
protesters would not disrupt the day by invoking their quaint
First Amendment rights.

The inauguration was attended by a parade of dignitaries,
including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney’s
lesbian daughter.

Former President George H.W. Bush arrived by parachute, touching
down next to his wife Barbara, whose uncanny resemblance to
George Washington grows with each passing inauguration. They
were accompanied by son Jeb, the Florida governor who is widely
believed to be next in line for the Bush throne.

Banned from the historic proceeding was a reporter from the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire publication that made
news by rejecting a $240,000 White House payoff to promote
the president’s controversial "No Body Bag Left Behind"
initiative.

Other Humor Gazette exclusives critical of the president
include the following:

— "Bush
received faulty intelligence from God" (July
14, 2004)

— coverage
of that embarrassing moment when a baby peed on him at the
Republican convention (Aug. 31, 2004)

— the
Gazette’s dung-in-cheek "endorsement" of Bush
(Aug. 27, 2004)

—
the infamous "Fistful of Jelly Beans" report comparing
Bush, unfavorably, to his hero Ronald Reagan (June
7, 2004)

— the
release of documents proving that the president is an asswipe
(Sept. 22, 2004)

— a
Gazette scoop questioning whether Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
(April 10, 2004)

— satiric
coverage of the president’s memorable "Something will
pop into my head" speech (April 14, 204)

— critical
analysis of his "joke" about weapons of mass destruction
(March 26, 2004)

— a
report taking the president to task for "flip-flopping"
on Osama bin Laden (Oct. 14, 2004)

— coverage
of his pre-election threat to use military force against any
Democratic candidates he felt posed a threat to his presidency
(Nov. 4, 2003)

— his
suggestion that an unfavorable Newsweek poll was unpatriotic
(May 17, 2004)

— his
handling of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal
(May 25, 2004)

— Bush’s
nomination for a "Purple Chin" award for sustaining
a mountain bike injury in the line of duty (May 30,
2004)

— hard-edged
analysis of his "trickle-down" policy of pissing
in America’s ear and calling it a golden beacon of democracy
(Oct. 11, 2004)

— his
"firing" by Donald Trump (March 2, 2004)

— a
story speculating about the president’s forked tongue
(June 4, 2004)

— a
critique of the president’s nuke-u-lar ramblings, "Misprouncing
a lie doesn’t make it true" (Aug. 16, 2004)

— an
irreverent debate preview with rules to the "Presidential
Debate Drinking Game" (Sept. 30, 2004)

— vice-presidential
debate analysis revealing Dick Cheney’s ability to secrete
toxic venom through his fangs (Oct. 6, 2004)

— a
report critical of the president’s missionary position on
gay marriage (June 7, 2004)

— a
report critical of his "No Slacker Left Behind"
education plan (May 25, 2004)

— a
review of a book critical of Bush written by a former White
House janitor (March 24, 2004)

Please consider voting for the Humor Gazette

New
Year’s resolution:
kick Pez addiction

By John Breneman

This year I resolve to give up Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos,
Tostitos and refried burritos; no more succumbing to inner
snack-food libidos. In fact I hope to eschew all products
in the tasty but fattening -eatos food group.

I am also determined to lick my $1.99/week Pez addiction.
But I would be even more pleased if President Bush were able
kick his $1 billion/week war habit.

And I am seriously considering making a vow to think about
whether to maybe make some hardish decisions about the potential
need to possibly become somewhat less indecisive. Maybe.

A word of advice. In 2005 you will definitely want to avoid
carbs, cholesterol and all cancer-causing carcinogens. Also
CAT scans, cockfights and cardiac smackdowns. Basically anything
that starts with a "C."

Now, here — recommended by my crack team of leading experts
— are some handy tips on other key things to avoid in 2005:

— Getting punched in the face
— Becoming "just another statistic"
— Poison blowgun darts
— People who stink
— Tapeworms
— Identity thieves
— Hidden charges
— Roaming fees
— Rude awakenings
— Elephantitis
— Cerebral bypass surgery
— Rotten apples, sour grapes and manufacturers’ lemons

You might say the road to self-improvement is rich in carbon
monoxide. Try the book "101 Ways to Rid Yourself of Unsightly
Ugliness and Excess Hate." Changed my life. Other must-reads:
"Duct Tape Dogma," "Mapping the Human Genome
for Fun and Profit" and "The Da Vinci Diet."

When
Harry met Nazi

By John Breneman

Prince Harry apologized for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume
party, attributing his lapse in judgment to a combination
of booze, ecstasy and crack.

"I thought it would be a gas," said the 20-year-old
prince, whose hobbies include partying and disgracing the
English throne. "All the skinheads I know do bloody well
with the birds. I thought the swastika was really shagadelic,
but now I realize it might be offensive to anyone with half
a brain."

A source close to the bloke who shovels the dung from under
the prince’s polo pony said the Hitler homage was not Harry’s
first choice of party attire.

"He tried on a few Osama bin Laden beards but couldn’t
find just the right one," said Nigel Tufnel. "And
he was keen on going as a Ku Klux Klansman but couldn’t find
a bedsheet without bleeding ‘Buckingham Palace’ embroidered
on it."

The prince also decided against going as the murderous Ugandan
dictator Idi Amin because his black face paint kept smudging
and the pillow under his ‘Party Animal’ T-shirt kept shifting.

Prince Charles, who is said to be outraged by the incident,
reportedly grounded his youngest son and made him promise
not to get drunk or stoned for two weeks.

Related stories:
Harry
the Nazi: a defence of the idiot prince (London News Review)

Harry
Starts Fascist Fashion Craze (The Spoof)

Prince
Harry’s letter of apology (The Chortler)

Pitt split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse

By
John Breneman

Hollywood is abuzz with insipid wordplay in response to the
tragic news that the Pitts have called it quits.

There are many theories on what caused the Aniston-Pitt split.
Some say Jen was seen frolicking with a handsome Brit. Or
that Brad pined for a little Pitt, a son to play catch with
his little Pitt mitt. Some say it was Jen’s inability to knit,
but others say this didn’t bug Pitt one bit.

Did he prefer to stand while she liked to sit? Did she hate
to expectorate while he liked to spit? Did he call her a nitwit
and she threw a fit?

Whatever the case, the Pitt split seems legit. Or is it too
early to write the couple’s obit? The mega-super-duper-couple
seemed so close-knit, but in the end was it just a bad fit?
And why, why oh why, do we give half a shit?

The split has caused millions to pause and sit, weep a bit,
even fall to their knees and mourn Aniston-Pitt. So sad, and
yet sadder still to admit, tsunami survivors have been particularly
hard hit.

The Brad-Jen armageddon is cruel, this is true. But they,
and we too, will surely pull through. We’ll reflect on these
stars, how our lives they once lit, while subsisting on rations
from our Pitt Split Survival Kit.*

*A source close to the publicist for Brad Pitt’s personal
assistant’s limousine driver said the Pitt Split Survival
Kit contains:

— a DVD of the "Friends" episode featuring guest
star Brad Pitt
— a mock People magazine cover proclaiming Aniston-Pitt offspring
"Sexiest Infant Alive"
— two "I (Heart) Brad and Jen" T-shirts
— 8×10 photos of the couple "canoodling" during
happier times
— one "Death to Angelina Jolie" voodoo doll

Related
story:
Aniston tops list of "50 Most
Beautiful People" (April 30)

White House in doghouse over puppy choice

By
John Breneman

President Bush has come under fire for selecting a Scottish
terrier instead of an American breed as the cuddly new White
House puppy.

Dane Basset, a spokesman for B.A.R.K. (Buy American Registered
K9s), criticized the Bushes for failing to make a more patriotic
selection. "An American pit bull terrier would have sent
a powerful message to the rest of the world, like ‘You play
things our way or we’ll rip your friggin’ head off’,"
said Basset.

But President Bush said he wanted the decision process to
be entirely free of political considerations. So after quickly
ruling out German shepards and French poodles, he refused
to pander to Hispanic voters by adopting a chihuahua and settled
in on the Scottish terrier, which the Bushes have named Miss
Beazley.

The 10-week-old canine frolicked for the cameras Thursday
with the Bush’s other dog Barney, also a Scottish terrier.
The adorable little bitch, a birthday gift to First Lady Laura
Bush, is said to be the daughter of Barney’s half-brother.

The animal has been fully vetted by the FBI to assure there
will be no embarrassing revelations involving public urination
or links to any extremist terrier organizations. Miss Beazley
is expected to breeze through her upcoming Senate confirmation
hearings.

Sources say Laura Bush put considerable thought into naming
her new puppy. Miss Beazley won out over a colorful list that
included Miss Condy, Flip-Flop, Ahmad, Tax-Cutter, Arbusto,
Spot II and W.M.Deedles.

Miss Beazley is expected to get along well with the president’s
beloved pet goat, Michael, and the rest of the White House
menagerie: a praying mantis named Mr. Jeezums, Saddam Hussein’s
former hamster and a belligerent armadillo called Rum-Tum-Tumsfeld.

Santa Claus denies use of steroids

By
John Breneman

Authorities investigating the steroid scandal now plaguing
Major League Baseball say they have discovered evidence implicating
Santa Claus in the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

A spokesman for Mr. Claus denied the allegations, saying
he subsists primarily on milk and cookies. But some observers
claim his bulky red uniform conceals the fact that the roly-poly
holiday icon has magically replaced his "bowl full of
jelly" physique with the kind of lean muscle mass commonly
associated with steroid use.

A transcript of grand jury testimony obtained by the Humor
Gazette reveals that Mr. Claus admits being given some unfamiliar
cookies in December of 2002. The document also alleges that
on at least three separate occasions in 2003 Mr. Claus consumed
egg nog laced the Human Growth Hormone.

"Turns out jolly old Saint Nick may not be such a saint
after all," said Charles D. Grinch, a federal prosecutor
based near the Arctic Circle. "How else could he fly
all over the world delivering millions of tons of gifts?"

The troubling allegations come amid increasing pressure on
Mr. Claus to submit urine samples for himself and his flying
reindeer.

The investigation is ongoing.

Scent of a pop tart

By John Breneman

Hey ladies, have you ever gone to a hotel and fantasized
about banging the beguiling stranger in the room next door?
If so, pop slut turned perfume mogul-ette Britney Spears has
got a hot new fragrance for you.

It’s called Curious, and the fabulous commercial features
the doe-eyed diva either fantasizing about getting nailed
or actually seducing her mystery man into a steamy fingernails-raking-the-back
sex romp.

Unlike lesser creative artists — who might be content to
slap their name on some toilet water and rake in millions
from pop tart wannabes and gullible boyfriends — word is
Britney gave some juicy input to the "scent boys"
in putting together her naughty new ‘fume. She has even mastered
the marketing soundbite, calling the aroma "seriously
sexy."

Britney’s odor is described as "an exhilarating white
floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia and wrapped in the
sensuality of vanilla-infused musk."

It’s only $49.50 for a 3.3 oz. mini-jug and it comes with
a free gift — a T-shirt emblazoned with the pheromone-producing
slogan "Deliciously Whipped!"

But wait, there’s more. For just another $50 or so, you can
get Curious body souffle, Curious shower gel and Curious shimmer
stick. That’s not a bad deal, considering that Team Spears
could probably sell tiny decanters of Britney’s used bath
water for $200 a pop. (At presstime, bidding on eBay had reached
$10,000 for a vial of her pee.)

Meanwhile, keep a nostril out for other celebrity scents.
Coming soon:

Hilary Duff ("Facsimile")
Lindsay Lohan ("Me2")
Jessica Simpson ("Oblivious")
Christina Aguilera ("Genital Breeze")
Jenna Jameson ("Secretions")
Anna Nicole Smith ("Smitty")
Angelina Jolie ("Plasma")
Paris Hilton ("Gangbang")
Kirstie Alley ("Colossus")
Martha Stewart ("Captivity")
Condoleezza Rice ("Security")

(For Men)
P. Diddy ("Ho")
Ashton Kutcher ("Douche")
Vin Diesel ("Fumes")
Mel Gibson ("Passion")
Tony Danza ("Emote")

Hilary
Duff redefines ‘creative artist’

As part of her evolution as a creative
artist, Duff has taken the bold step of actually offering
input to the songwriters who create the material she performs.

A special report by Lars Trodson

Editor’s
Note: My grandmother died on Thanksgiving Day at age 94.
She was feisty and funny and sweet. Below, if you are interested,
is a piece I wrote for her on her 90th birthday in 2000. Best
Humor Gazette wishes to all your loved ones.

Hilary Duff redefines ‘creative artist’

By Lars Trodson

The revolution began subtly.

In announcing an upcoming concert at the Verizon Wireless
Arena in Manchester, NH, a press release contained a quote
from Miss Duff that has sent seismic rumblings through the
artist community.

The Duff quote has artists such as Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon,
Aretha Franklin and, yes, even Barbara Streisand, shamefaced
at their antiquity and many have reportedly gone into seclusion
to think about their future in the creative arts.

"I give up," Ms. Mitchell is reported to have said.

The press release states, and we quote verbatim here: "If
you thought you knew film, TV and pop music star Hilary Duff
before, think again. Her new, self-titled Hollywood Records
album … shows the remarkable growth spurt she has undergone."
The press release was issued Dec. 7, 2004.

It is the following quote, attributed directly to Miss Duff
in the Verizon Wireless Arena press release, that has caused
this outpouring of grief in the worldwide artistic community.

"Compared to the first album, when I wasn’t confident
enough to make suggestions, this time around I was very involved,"
said Duff about the recording process of Hilary Duff. "I
worked with the songwriters, telling them what was happening
in my life, and what I wanted to sing about. If I thought
it needed to be more heavy, more rock, I said so. I feel that
this record is so much more me. I can’t wait for people to
hear it."

Poets and writers across the world found themselves staring
at blank pages of paper wondering why, for years, for decades,
for a lifetime, they had done all the heavy lifting themselves.
Why hadn’t the lightning bolt of inspiration hit them, as
it has, once again, the incredibly beautiful, rich and talented
Miss Duff?

"I used to tell people my inner thoughts, what I was
feeling," said Joni Mitchell when reached one afternoon
in Montana. "We would be talking, reading, singing, playing
guitar all night long. Sometimes I’d take what I said, or
what Bobby said, or Joanie, and I’d craft a little poem. Sweat
blood for it. Write out … each … little … fucking …
word."
The anger was palpable and Miss Mitchell’s cigarette was vibrating
between her fingers.

"And then I could either get the tune right away, as
though I had dug it up out of the … out of the earth. There
I go again trying to find just the right word, the right phrase.
But sometimes it would take weeks to find the right riff,
the tone, the…"

But the words, no longer angry but simply defeated, trailed
off, as wispy and ephemeral as the shadow of her cigarette
smoke.

On the fax machine at Aretha Franklin’s office was a message
containing the titles of some of the new tunes from the Hilary
Duff album. Franklin, her hands quaking, read the words: "Weird",
"Haters", "Do You Want Me", "Rock
This World" and "Fly."

"When I read this song title ‘Weird’," said the
Godmother of Soul, "I think that Hilary must have been
feeling kind of weird that day. I don’t think it, I know it.
I feel it. It just comes right through and hits you between
the eyes. ‘Haters.’ A word like that, you know, that kind
of word just doesn’t trip off the average person’s tongue.
You need a special, what is it, a special… Oh! How I wish
Hilary was here so I could tell her what I was feeling! She’d
know!"

There was even a vicious argument zipping back and forth
on every possible mode of communication between the members
of such diverse bands as Green Day, Good Charlotte, Velvet
Revolver, the White Stripes, Tenacious D, Metallica — even
such old stalwarts as Bon Jovi, Van Halen and Aerosmith —
all of whom had a member claiming to have helped Hilary shape
the words "Rock This World."

"For years, man, we were fuckin’ tryin’ to put how we
felt and what we were doin’ into fuckin’ words, man, and I
was talkin’ to Hilary, man, saying I just wanted to fuckin’
shake it up," said rocker Fred Durst. "And she fuckin’
lays down the hammer and fuckin’ says, Freddie, I know it,
man, it’s like rockin’ this world, man. When I get on stage,
she says, I just want to rock this world. And, of course,
whew! Man! There is was! It was like every single moment in
rock history rolled into fuckin’ one, man! Wow! Now three,
four fuckin’ generations of rock bands, man, now have a fuckin’
voice. We’re fuckin’ free! I can look around and say to these
other guys, you know what we’re doin’? We’re rockin’ this
world! Rockin’ it! Only somebody like Hilary could put it
together."

"I’ve never seen anybody convey their feelings to the
actual creative team the way Hilary Duff does," said
legendary producer Clive Davis. "I used to listen to
Miles Davis, or a Lou Reed, and they would try to tell a reporter
what they were trying to accomplish — and it was laughable,
really. They stumbled and stammered. But not Hilary. She’ll
say, ‘I’m sad.’ Or: ‘I’m hungry.’ Or, ‘Where’s my iPod.’ And
then we have a brand new shiny song."

Lohan

But just as the genealogy of this monster revolution seemed
clear, it was not. Movie star and budding pop idol Lindsay
Lohan said to Access Hollywood, "I was the one who pioneered
this %&*#."

But in true artistic fashion, Lohan didn’t let her emotion
go to waste. She immediately huddled with a team of writers
and producers in Los Angeles. She told them her feelings,
and they pounded out a crushing dance groove for the new single.

Lohan’s "That Bitch" should be in stores soon.

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Striving to bring together the divided nation,
President George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected
figure for a key Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated
reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary
discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.

A beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient
worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, Mr.
Claus has no prior political
experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice
due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating."
And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack,
he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is reportedly being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus’ cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus’ innate ability to tell who’s been "naughty"
vs. who’s been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace John Ashcroft as Attorney General.

And several leading economists — noting Mr. Claus’ powerful
impact on the nation’s gross national product each year at
this time — suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation’s leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
reportedly no longer believe in him.

FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus’ background
and "checking it twice," in part to determine whether
his well-documented "love" for little boys and girls
is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip.

But President-elect Bush said he is eager to discuss the
possibilities over milk and cookies in Washington next week
when "Santa Claus is coming to town."

Shop and awe

Despite scattered reports of violence, U.S. shoppers sustained
minimal casualties during the first few days of the holiday
shopping blitz that began last Friday.

But rampant consumerism turned deadly at a Wal-Mart in Kentucky
yesterday when two shoppers were slain by a heavily armed
Robosapien, a remote-control robot that is one of this year’s
hottest gifts. Police are trying to determine whether the
toy acted alone or was operated by a disgruntled human.

The death toll now stands at three — a Texas tot was crushed
by a giant SpongeBob SquarePants — but analysts say it could
climb as determined consumers battle for coveted items under
the pressure of a Dec. 25 deadline.

The annual battle to purchase material goods for Jesus’s
birthday began the day after Thanksgiving (aka Black Friday)
with a coordinated pre-dawn assault on the nation’s retailers.

Bargain-hunting consumers coast-to-coast mobbed the nearest
Wal-Mart and mauled their local malls, displaying a fierce
Toys R Us vs. Them mentality while doing an estimated $80
billion in damage to their bank accounts. Authorities say
some of the heaviest skirmishes took place at strife-torn
Circuit City.

Other injuries sustained during the barrage of transactions:

— A Pennsylvania woman took some plastic shrapnel from two
shopping carts involved in a high-speed crash at Sears.

— Six shoppers were flattened while trying to grab the last
$139 flat-screen TV at a New Jersey electronics store. One
lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion of fresh high-density
plasma.