Kerry bags goose

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Kerry
takes aim at gun-toter voters

By John Breneman

Eager to prove he’s a macho regular guy, John Kerry went
hunting over the weekend and bagged a terrorist.

Clad in a $1.4 million L.L. Bean flak jacket and brandishing
a borrowed 12-gauge shotgun, Kerry emerged from an Ohio cornfield
flashing a bloody thumbs-up and reporting, "Everybody
got one."

An aide said Kerry planned to have his terrorist stuffed
and mounted in his den on Boston’s Beacon Hill.

President Bush chided Kerry for posing as a phony terrorist
hunter and announced plans for a pre-election safari in Iraq,
during which he planned to blast at least five or six "freedom
haters."

Several pundits drew comparisons between Kerry’s high-profile
hunting expedition and President Bush’s decision to dress
up in a nifty Navy flightsuit for his infamous "Mission
Accomplished" moment, though some argued that Bush’s
phony photo-op was at least 10 times phonier and more distasteful
than Kerry’s.

In related news, the news media is trumpeting a possible
celebrity death match between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger
as both camps fire up their attack machines for a final week
of pounding each other’s integrity in the battleground states.

Comments (0) Oct 25 2004

Presidential Horoscopes

Posted: under Uncategorized.

John Kerry
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
— Excessive wordiness may distract
people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future
job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked
adversary’s pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.

George W. Bush
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
— Refuse to let facts and common sense
intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough
persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual
inadequacy. Don’t be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay
the course.

See
more Horoscopes

Comments (0) Oct 22 2004

Stem cells rally for Bush

Posted: under Uncategorized.

President Bush endorsed by stem cell group

By
John Breneman

President Bush won a key endorsement today from the International
Brotherhood of Stem Cells (IBSC).

A spokesman for the feisty building blocks of life said they
feel safer under Bush, who has pledged to defend their right
to maybe someday become a life, than under Sen. Kerry, who
has made no secret of his diabolical plan to use them for
medical research.

The president and his challenger differ sharply on undifferentiated
embryonic cells, which political scientists say may hold the
secret to curing spinal cord injuries and major diseases.

The IBSC released the following statement:

"Though certain liberal elements of our membership believe
we ought to sacrifice a few potential lives for the good of
mankind, the majority of us agree we must look out for numero
uno."

"John Kerry wants to sacrifice us for medical research,
but where was he when the time came to give HIS stem cells
for the cause? And Christopher Reeves, may he rest in peace,
was not the boss of us."

Comments (0) Oct 20 2004

Fall foliage facts

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann

By
John Breneman

Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is
the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual
cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have
decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette’s
resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.

Question: Where should I go to see the peak foliage?

— Bud Smith, Exeter

Answer: The most glorious foliage in all the world
can be seen in a quaint Maine hamlet called Carotene Falls.
Unfortunately, you can’t get there from here.

Question: If there is too much foliage in my yard,
should I use a defoliant?
— Biff Dupont, New Castle

Answer: Uh, no. A defoliant is a chemical that strips
growing plants of their leaves. Believe it or not, if you
just wait a bit the leaves will fall off the trees by themselves.

Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?

— Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth

Answer: No. I have found that it’s best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.

Question: Where do the presidential candidates stand
on foliage?
— Joe Voder, Dixville Notch

Answer: John Kerry was ranked the 5th-most pro-foliage
legislator in the U.S. Congress. George W. Bush believes we
can stop unwanted foliage by increasing the amount of toxic
emissions in the environment.

Question: Why are the trees so pretty in the fall?

— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Well you see Jenny, leaves contain some green
stuff called chlorophyll. But the cold weather breaks down
the chlorophyll in most deciduous plant life forms. When that
happens, other pigments contained in the leaves (xanthophyll,
yellow; caretenoids, orange-red; anthocyanins, red and purple)
come shining through.

Question: Oh, why are there no blue leaves?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Uhhh. Because.

Question: How can I protect my children from seeing
foliage on the Internet?
— Jenny’s mom

Answer: Of course it is best to shield your child
from all external stimuli, but that is not always possible.
Instead, you might consider raking up a big pile of leaves,
starting a bonfire, and throwing your computer into the center
of the flames.

Question: Who makes all the oxygen for humans to breathe?

— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Plants and trees.

Question: Why are humans destroying the rain forests?
— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Too much oxygen.

Question: How has the fluctuating stock market affecting
the international market for foliage-related goods and services
(cameras and binoculars, bus tours, T-shirts, petroleum products,
etc.)?
— A. Greenspan, Washington

Answer: Let’s just say that black market "Genuine
Maine Leaf Peeper" T-shirts are raking in quite a few
million yen in North Conwei, Japan.

Question: Are travel agents authorized to arrange
obscenely expensive leaf-peeping excursions for wealthy tourists?

— Arthur Mulch, York Harbor

Answer: Yes, my sources in the industry tell me that
a Hampton travel agent is now offering a seven-day, seven-night
"Leaf Safari" package that starts with a champagne-and-hot-tub
limousine ride to the White Mountains. There, the group will
be flown to scenic Moosehead Lake aboard the S.S. Equinox,
a luxury dirigible that serves braised lobster and offers
unparalleled autumn vistas from the air. Tour organizers also
have arranged for a partial eclipse of the sun to create a
spectacular once-in-a-lifetime visual foliage extravaganza.

Question: What can we, as humans, learn from the humble
leaf?
— Kofi Annan, United Nations

Answer: Well, if we humans could all develop the ability
to produce our own nourishment using the miracle of photosynthesis,
why we could solve world hunger and increase our disposal
income without triggering a windfall profits tax.

Question: Do leaves go to Heaven?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Yes.

Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman has given up red
meat in favor of photosynthesis.

Comments (0) Oct 19 2004

Bush flip-flops on Osama

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Bush flip-flops on bin Laden

By
John Breneman

One of President Bush’s tough-guy soundbites is biting him
in the bum today.

After 9/11, the president promised to nail the terror kingpin
"dead or alive." But not long after he botched a
chance to do just that — "outsourcing" the job
to Afghan warlords, as his opponent keeps pointing out —
Bush changed his tune.

With the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks still at large, Bush
was asked at a March 13, 2002, White House press conference
why he never mentions bin Laden anymore. The president, by
then laser-focused on a guy — Saddam Hussein — who did not
attack us, had lost interest in the man who did.

"You know, I just don’t spend that much time on him,"
he responded. "I don’t know where he is. … I truly
am not that concerned about him."

Fast forward to last night’s debate.

Kerry called Bush on his remarks about bin Laden: "Six
months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or
alive, this president was asked, ‘Where is Osama bin Laden?’
He said, ‘I don’t know. I don’t really think about him very
much. I’m not that concerned.’"

The president’s response can be added to his staggering rapsheet
of misleading statements and outright lies: "Gosh, I
just don’t think I ever said I’m not worried about Osama bin
Laden. It’s kind of one of those EX-AGG-ER-A-TIONS."

But his blatant and pathetic attempt to flip-flop on his
own remarks is contradicted by reality.
The
president’s March 13, 2002, remarks about bin Laden can be
seen here at the White House website
.

In a damage-control statement released today, the president
said "of course" he knows bin Laden, not Saddam
Hussein, attacked the U.S. and "of course" he is
trying to catch him in time for the election.

Plus, he said, his favorite President Bush action figure
has killed a hapless Osama bin Laden action figure literally
dozens of times in Oval Office play sessions.

Comments (0) Oct 14 2004

Saddam’s gun

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Iraq weapons key issue at next debate

By
John Breneman

President Bush is expected to come out firing at tonight’s
debate in St. Louis, but pundits disagree on whether he will
try to reclaim momentum from Sen. John Kerry by shooting the
Democratic insurgent with that cool pistol he got from Saddam
Hussein.

A new report confirming that the president’s claims about
weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were absolutely false
has provided fresh ammunition for Kerry. But strategists say
Bush may exploit a loophole in the 32 pages of rules governing
the debate, which apparently fail to prohibit shooting one’s
opponent with a souvenir firearm.

Kerry’s message that the president rushed to war on falsified
intelligence and sunk America into a horrible mess may resonate
with voters, but President Bush is frankly getting a little
ticked off. A spokesman for the Bush campaign said the president
would only pop Kerry with Saddam’s handgun as "a last
resort." But if Kerry uses the new weapons report to
"get in the president’s face" he may be asking for
trouble.

"Of course Saddam Hussein had weapons. He could have
attacked the American people with that pistol, but the president
took it from him. That’s leadership," the Bush spokesman
said. "John Kerry would have waited for the United Nations
to take Saddam’s pistol."

Comments (0) Oct 08 2004

VP debate

Posted: under Uncategorized.


Vice President Dick Cheney outlines his plan to
choke John Edwards.

Pundits render verdict in
case of Cheney v. Edwards

By John Breneman


Sen. Edwards challenges Cheney to "put up
your dukes."

Vice President Dick Cheney scored a decisive blow in his
debate with Sen. John Edwards on Tuesday by citing a link
between Al Qaeda and U.S. trial lawyers. Cheney also claimed
that, if elected, John Kerry would appoint Germans and Frenchmen
to his Cabinet.

Pundits called the debate a clear victory for the very composed
Cheney, who did not snarl or rip his shirt off and turn huge
and green, even when Edwards kept talking about what a mess
Cheney and his pet monkey have made while doing their doody.

Cheney called Edwards a young whipper-flopper who first voted
FOR President Bush’s plan to rush to war on phony intelligence
and badly mishandle the whole operation, then turned AGAINST
the war once the president’s death toll got too high.

But Edwards responded by calling Bush-Cheney double flip-floppers
who first OPPOSED creating the 9/11 Commission because it
might expose their fraud and incompetence and then said OK
once public opinion forced them to.

Edwards also noted that Cheney was FOR doing business with
evil Iran when he was making big money with Halliburton, but
AGAINST evil Iran now that he is only getting deferred compensation
from Halliburton.

Cheney refrained from telling Edwards, "Go f— yourself,"
instead saying, "I’ve been taking massive dumps in the
White House since you were in diapers, Senator." He also
defied pre-debate expectations that he might try to squish
the puny Edwards between his thumb and forefinger or beat
him silly with an aluminum tube.

Edwards went on the offensive, saying he would represent
the American people in a class-action lawsuit against Bush
and Cheney for fraudulent leadership, arbitrary and capricious
war-mongering and for destroying America’s credibility around
the world. The suit would target some of the money Bush-Cheney
have lavished on wealthy supporters to buy votes and instead
use it to help regular people.

On gay marriage, Edwards said President Bush’s call a federal
amendment amounts to "using the Constitution as a political
tool and it’s wrong." Cheney responded by saying his
gay daughter could beat the crap out of Edwards.

A Humor Gazette tracking poll found that if the election
were held today Cheney would immobilize Kerry and Edwards
by secreting a toxic venom through his fangs.

Comments (0) Oct 06 2004

Post-debate spin

Posted: under Uncategorized.

20 Questions about Post-Debate Spin

By John Breneman

Is the water cooler half empty or half full?

Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment"
zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling ’em 11 times
that fighting terror is "hard work"?

Did the president convince even more Americans that we had
to invade Iraq because "the enemy attacked us"?
Or did Kerry catch Bush pulling his ole "Saddam had to
pay for 9/11" trick?

Did Bush wow ’em by repeating his consistent message that
Kerry is inconsistent? Or did Kerry shake Bush’s steadfast
resolve that all he needs to win re-election is steadfast
resolve?

As they say in the influential hip-hop demographic, did Flip-Flop
get dope slapped or did Kid Kerry rock the mike and make W.
his Bee-yush?

These are the questions that spin through our heads as the
unpredictable post-debate portion of the debate unfolds before
us.

Did the challenger hit a home run?
Did the incumbent lay an egg?

Did Bush’s "plainspoken" personality shine through
when he said, "I uh …" then froze for several
agonizing seconds? Or did President Six-Pack overcome a subpar
oratorical performance by making funny faces at Senator Smarty-Pants?

Did Kerry get under Bush’s skin by reminding him that Osama
bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein, attacked America on Sept. 11?
Or did the president successfully rebut the charge by saying,
duh, "Of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I
know that"?

Did Kerry score rhetorical points by saying Bush "outsourced"
the job of capturing bin Laden to Afghan warlords working
for minimum wage? Or was it a low blow to remind Jr. that
his daddy was smart enough not to bumble into Iraq with no
"exit strategy"?

Did Kerry make headway by suggesting the president’s tax
cuts for the rich would be better spent making America safer?
Or does Bush really expect voters to buy his simplistic response
that of course we’re safe with him because "That’s my
job"?

Perhaps the most important questions of all: Will these revealing
face-to-face showdowns cause any supporters of this failed
president to look back after Nov. 2 and say, "I actually
DID vote for George W. Bush, before I voted against him"?
Or is it too late to convince those who have been duped by
Mr. Bush that he is the wrong president at the wrong place
at the wrong time?

Comments (0) Oct 01 2004

Bush v. Kerry

Posted: under Uncategorized.


John Kerry and George Bush square off Thursday
night.
Click here to Punch
the Prez

Bush, Kerry
to trade punches, punchlines

By John Breneman

Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it
is time for another presidential debate. This one will help
determine who will lead America for the next four years —
Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.

The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or
Abu Ghraib-ing.

Sound-biting is not only allowed, it is practically the only
way a candidate can score "points" at a modern-day
presidential forum, since post-debate analysis is largely
confined to who sighed or shrugged, who looked at his watch,
or did the best job delivering a zinger written by his team
of political strategists. Points are added for making the
audience laugh, but not deducted for blatant lies.

Attempts at substantive dialogue are frowned upon. This is
because, though polls say voters crave "substance"
over "flash," polls also show that most Americans
can no longer detect "substance" unless it is delivered
using an eye-grabbing jolt of "flash."

Additional rules, agreed to in a 32-page document designed
to limit spontaneity, specifically prohibit bitch-slapping,
throwing of feces and (flashback to 1988) any hypothetical
questions about a candidate’s wife getting raped and murdered.

In the interest of national security, President Bush will
not be forced to explain why he flip-flopped on his pledge
to catch Osama bin Laden "dead or alive" or why
he chose to respond to the tragedy of 9/11 by starting a brand
new death toll in Iraq.

Security will be tight in response to concerns that al Qaeda
may try to disrupt the event, perhaps by sneaking a whoopee
cushion onto Bush’s podium or beheading a few more registered
voters.

The moderator, beloved game show host Wink Martindale, will
be heavily armed.

The debate is set for 9 p.m. Thursday night at the University
of Miami, where fun-loving undergrads will be playing the
Presidential Debate Drinking Game.

The rules are simple:

— Each time either man says "duty," drink one
large gulp of beer.

— Each time either candidate emits a well-practiced soundbite
that is meant to sound spontaneous, guzzle one large gulp
of beer.

— Each time Kerry says "family values," drink
one 2-ounce glob of Heinz ketchup.

— Each time Bush says "family values," snort one
line of cocaine.

— If anyone says "four more years," drink four
more beers.

— If President Bush insists we must "stay the course,"
just take a bunch of pills and go to bed.

Comments (0) Sep 30 2004

Two soldiers write about depravity of war

Posted: under lars.

Two soldiers write about
the depravity of war

One of the burning questions of this political season is
whether John Kerry participated in or was witness to acts
of depravity while a navy officer during Vietnam. The question
has opened up old wounds — wounds not quite yet healed —
from 30 years ago. Kerry testified before Congress in the
early 1970s and repeated what some of his fellow soldiers
had told him about atrocities committed during battle.

By
Lars
Trodson

But the very nature of the debate underscores, as it should,
the insanity of war. War creates an atmosphere where decent
people are thrown into a cauldron of madness, where the rules
of engagement change overnight, and where opportunities for
inhuman behavior present themselves when they otherwise, in
a less violent world, would not.

It
is easy for us, on the sidelines, to condemn what happened
at Abu Ghraib prison, or at Buchenwald, for that matter —
because we were not there. Would all of us have acted just
as inhumanly, as we would like to believe we never would?
That’s the scary thing. Or would we have risen above the actions
of the mob to be the voice of sanity? We don’t know.

But while we consider the question of whether John Kerry
is telling the truth or not, we can listen to two different
accounts from two different wars, both of which unveil the
sense of anger and chaos that war can cause. One, from the
Civil War, is told by an unnamed Connecticut soldier who recounts
a disgusting episode of casual bigotry. And the other is from
World War II veteran Lenny Bruce, who unleashes a torrent
of lingering resentment during a drug-besotted concert in
1962.

Did John Kerry witness acts of depravity during Vietnam?
Maybe, maybe not. But he had many brothers in arms who, unfortunately,
had.

This is from an issue of the Connecticut War Record, published
in 1864:

The 21st (Conn. Volunteers) were ordered on board the
Transport "John Farren," but were subsequently disembarked
and returned to their position in the ‘Rifle Pits.’ We were
again ordered to embark, and returned to the boat for that
purpose. Arriving at the wharf we found that through some
misunderstanding of the Quartermaster, the ‘John Farren,’
which was laden with all our baggage, had been completely
loaded down with negroes and their baggage. The way those
darkies and effects were transferred from the boat to the
shore ‘was a caution’ to the ‘poor emancipated Africans.’
After the negroes were all disembarked our men were ordered
on board to unload the baggage, and mounting the hurricane
deck, where it had been packed away, they charged upon the
confused mass of African possessions and commenced transferring
them in a very unceremonious manner to the wharf. The scene
which followed baffles description – and I doubt if the history
of the whole war can present a like scene, or the Emancipation
Proclamation of Father Abraham ever called forth another such
sight. Feather beds fell like snow flakes, only rather more
forcibly, upon the heads of frantic searchers for ‘their own’
household goods. Bedding, clothing, all manner of domestic
goods, filled the air and fell like rain in one confused and
inextricable mass. Wenches displaying the pluck and muscle
of a Hercules in giving punishment to some luckless darkey,
who in her fruitless search for her undiscovered property
had invaded the rights of another.

Hooped skirts were hurled gracefully from the deck to
come down enveloping some corpulent wench, and adding to her
wrath, already rampant. Some were crying, some laughing, some
fighting, and all wrangled amid the shower of ‘bag and baggage,’
which ‘mingling fell.’ And thus we left them, to be subsequently
conveyed to Newbern, but if they ever live to sort that baggage
they will exceed the average length of African longevity.

Yes, well. And this is a report from the liberators.

On Dec. 4, 1964, Lenny Bruce performed at the Gate of Horn
nightclub. "Let the buyer beware," the emcee intones,
probably for two reasons. Bruce was known not just for his
comedy, but for his well-known use of obscenities. At this
concert, he also seems to be quite stoned.

Nonetheless, even under the influence, Bruce could be funny
and devastating. Here, he is slashing, as he asks the question
"Why are Americans hated everywhere?" He answers
it by recounting what he says happened between American soldiers
and the Europeans who were needing some of the things the
Americans carried. It isn’t a happy tale, nor was it meant
to be.

"I
think I did a little more traveling than anyone in this audience.
I think I’ve been on more invasions than anyone in this audience.
I was on six. I made some real daddies. I was on a cruiser
called the USS Brooklyn. I was a 2nd class gunners mate. I
was [unintelligible] from ’42 to ’45 July — that’s when Germany
fell, in July. Doing it’s dirty. They hate Americans everywhere,
do you know why? Because they fucked all their mothers for
chocolate bars and don’t you forget that, jim. You don’t think
those kids have heard that since 1942? ‘You know what those
Americans did to your poor mother?’ They lined her up those
bastards — your father had to throw up his poor guts in the
kitchen while he waited out there and that master sergeant
schtupped your poor mother for their stinkin’ coffee and their
eggs and their friggin’ cigarettes. Those Americans. That’s
it, jim. That’s all they’ve heard, those kids. Those kids
are now 23, 25 years old. The Americans. There’s the guy that
did it to my mother. Would you assume that they would say
‘There’s the guy who fucked my mother. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Thank you for that and for giving us candy?"

Lenny Bruce was arrested later in that performance and today
it’s easy to ask: Was Bruce arrested for swearing, or for
saying things like the above which you could imagine were
the things no one, ever, wanted to hear?

War makes people do things and say things they’d rather never
have done in the first place and it certainly makes them do
things they’d just as soon forget.

One way, of course, to avoid this heartache is to not put
people in this terrible and unfair situation in the first
place.

Comments (0) Sep 26 2004