As the Republicans celebrated their triumphant "compromise"
over Obama and the Democrats — the wealthiest Americans popped
open the bubbly to toast their luxury tax cuts and their monopoly
ownership of Congress.
And as the poorest 95% scratched their heads wondering why
the rich just got richer again, the specter of George W. Bush
smirked from the bestseller list.
Congressional
Republicans pledge allegiance to trickle-down economics because
their share of the trickle is a Category 5 whitewater cash
tsunami. Democrats reap the bounty too, but at least they
try to help those struggling to stay above water.
The Tea Party saluted the deficit-busting move — saying
it hasn’t yet caught on that it’s getting exploited by the
corporate-owned GOP.
China also saluted the move — saying in an official statement,
"Thank you very much."
2008 Campaign Trail Obama could not be reached for comment.
Get ready for a Cold War. Cause some Commie
columnist from Russia just called Sarah Palin a "pith-headed
bimbo."
This isn’t the old Kremlin propaganda newspaper
Pravda. Reagan shut that down back in ’91. Old Pravda
would have called Palin a "shrill she-devil capitalist
tool of the Republican stooges and their corporate masters."
The
Englishman dishes some old-school Russian bolshevik —
slamming Sarah for her signature "displays of sheer
and utter ignorance."
She’s "hysterical" — a "screaming,
unrefined oaf" whose self-serving, semi-literate
Tweet Offensive against the American president constitutes
at least an affront to, if not an actual "threat
to national security."
Gonna take that Sarah? Didn’t think so.
Given Palin’s tendency to make sure no unkind
word goes unpunished, we can be glad she’s nowhere near
any of those nuclear buttons. ("I can mushroom cloud
Putin from my house.")
Stay
tuned. There may be Kalashnikovs involved when she busts
open an Alaska-size can of Sarah-stroika.
Notoriously
thin-skinned Sarah Palin is out with a lucrative new In-Your-Face
cosmetics line — made with the exotic oils of freshly
clubbed baby seals.
Her special Thanksgiving
message on Facebook wasn’t a no-brainer like blessing
the troops. Instead she torpedoed the media for mocking
her "North Korean allies" gaffe and then listed
off some Bushisms by Barack "57 states" Obama.
Palin’s special In-Your-Face serum, made in West Korea
by pregnant unwed teenagers, has 50% more acerbic ascorbic
acid than other leading brands.
She dissed rivals Estee Lauder and Elizabeth Arden as
too "politically correct" and said her products
are specially formulated to let the inner nastiness ooze
from every pore!
Palin amplified her mastery of U.S. foreign policy by
issuing the following tweet: Inexplicable: I recently
won in court to stop my book "America by Heart"
from being leaked, but US Govt can’t stop Wikileaks’ treasonous
act?
Analysts say the tweet elegantly demonstrates Palin’s
gift for combining ignorant soundbite politics with shameless
plugs for her many products — in this case pumping by
name "my book ‘America by Heart.’" (In stores
now, and jam-packed with slams of everybody from Michelle
Obama and Hillary Clinton to JFK!)
Supporters argue it also illustrates her deep understanding
of the similarities between protecting poorly guarded
government secrets and suing a website to protect profits
from a copyrighted book.
As for Joe the Plumber — a fixture on the 2008 campaign
trail as John McCain’s favorite metaphor for pandering
to the middle class — sources say he’s plugging his own
book while mulling a run for Congress and developing reality
TV projects ("America’s Next Top Plumber" and
"Flush Prince of Bill Ayers"). He’s also thinking
of actually getting his plumber’s license.
The WikiLeaks episode has resulted in at least one area
of bipartisan agreement — that America got caught with
her pants down, or at least her butt crack showing.
EDITOR’S
NOTE: This summer, some of my Palin writings and videos
drew the attention of an agent who proposed that I write
a Palin humor book timed to coincide with the Nov. 23
release of Sarah’s latest: "America by Heart: Reflections
on Family, Faith and Flag."
Perhaps due to bias in the elite,
liberal publishing industry, the book did not sell. Now
I’ve created The Daily Palin to present the web’s freshest,
funniest Palin humor and sharpest Sarah satire — and
to showcase my blockbuster Sarah parody book: "(Real)
America by Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family,
Faith and Flag (For Fun & Profit)."
* * *
Chapter 1. Going
Vogue
Wow!
It’s been a wild two years since we first met Sarah Palin
— the spunky, lunch-bucket, moose-carvin’, Putin-huntin’,
political pitbull hockey mom America never knew it was
waiting for.
Desperate to juice up his
flagging campaign against that whippersnapper Obama, John
McCain — distinguished Vietnam War flying ace and self-described
political maverick — went rogue. Or vogue. Or both.
In a breathtaking act of political cunning,
McCain busted out a stunning new running mate — the smart,
beautiful governor of Alaska. A real American dreamboat
who oozed patriotism and family values from every pore.
America, meet Sarah!
Flashbulbs poppin’ on the red, white and blue
carpet.
Oooh, did you know she was Miss Alaska second
runner-up?
Yes! Love how she tweaked Obama with that
twinkle in her eye.
Who is she wearing?
Gov. Palin won rave reviews on opening night
— Sept. 3, 2008 at the GOP convention in Minnesota. It
was a thrill, baby, thrill!
But when an elderly, cancer-surviving presidential
candidate makes you his pick to run the country if he
should die of a heart attack, ideological leprosy or unmitigated
gallstones — the spotlight can get a little hot. (SEE
VIDEO: Obama lovers for McCain)
Oops. Her daughter’s into teen pregnancy.
Oops. She blanked when Katie
asked what she reads to stay so misinformed.
In debates and interviews, Palin’s winks
and smiles made compelling video but the audio was often
gibberish.
Before you could say "You betcha!"
it was hard to tell the difference between the real Sarah
Palin and Tina Fey’s game-changing "Saturday Night
Live" portrayal of her as a gorgeous igloo-ramus. (SEE
"SNL" VIDEO)
Plus, while that hopey-changey Obama jerk
was yapping about bringing everybody together, she was
on him like a pit bull on baby seal — ripping the future
president for "palling
around with terrorists who would target their
own country."
We would soon learn that the bright, earnest
Osama — oopsy, Obama — was actually born either in Kenya,
Indonesia or Nazi Germany. And that he was schooled at
an elite Muslim terror academy where, by the time he reached
sixth grade, he was already hating America at a ninth-grade
level. Bonus: His middle name’s Hussein!
So by the time her stump speeches began
inspiring cries of "treason!" and "kill
him!" Sarah had pretty much knocked any remaining
Palin fence-sitters into one of two camps. Supporters
loved the conserve-a-licious homespun hottie with her
curvy straight talk. Critics dissed her as a dizzy diva,
dangerously unqualified to run the country.
But love or hate her, adore or abhor her,
worship her in-your-face family values or loathe her with
every fiber of your being … whether she sends a tingle
up your spine or the taste of your last meal up your esophagus
(OK, you get the idea) there is universal bipartisan agreement
that Palin is a fascinating public figure — a 21st-century
political rock star with a made-for-TV story.
The politically green, ex-beauty queen from
the Great White North taking the Grand Old Party by storm
— strutting, waving and winking her way down Main Street
toward 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Then parlaying her newfound
fame into fortune as visionary CEO of the multimillion-dollar,
multimedia conglomerate Barracuda Inc.
God bless America.
God bless real America, that is.
In her now-famous "Real
America" speech Oct. 2008 in North Carolina,
Sarah saluted the patriotic, hard-working citizens of
"real America" and educated us on how to tell
the "pro-America areas of this great nation"
from those more likely to be harboring godless Obama-loving
liberals.
But
just who is the "real" Sarah Palin?
And is it true she can slaughter a herd
of caribou with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp,
pearly-white teeth?
Many of the answers can be found in her
blockbuster bestseller "Going Rogue" — a book
in which Palin talks so much about God "opening doors"
for her, she makes Him sound a bit like her butler.
More clues are found in her new book, I
mean automatic bestseller, "America by Heart"
— described as a "tribute to American values"
featuring attack essays, moose-innard recipes and love
poems to Ronald Reagan.
(Sources say it is actually the next in
a series of 60 or 70 chart-topping Palin books, with likely
future themes to include vampires, polar bears and left-wing
zombies.)
But Sarah Palin is such a vital and influential
force in shaping our duh-mocracy that we believe it is
our satiric, civic duty to satirize the material she so
generously provides.
So
whether you find her Alaska drawl melodious or odious,
whether you’re just wild about Sarah or deeply tormented
by the Wasilla Wonder — this is a parody for Palinistas
of all political persuasions, genders and ethnicities,
from right-wing goons to left-wing loons.
A book that both honors and embellishes
her extraordinary, uniquely American journey — from near-Miss
Alaska to her Cinderella-hockey-mom dash for D.C. glory.
Our crack team of investigative satirists
has obtained exclusive documents shedding new light on
how — despite quitting her job as Alaska governor and
transferring power to Tina Fey that in fishy, salmon-swimming-upstream-of-consciousness
resignation speech — her approval rating among her base
still hovers at around 103%. (SATIRE
VIDEO: Palin resigns to spend more time with her money!)
And we break exclusive new theories on why
Sarah Barracuda is so fascinating — and polarizing —
to real Americans everywhere. Why our irrepressible Caribou
Barbie is a spunky, pro-life Mary Tyler Moore to millions
and a white-trash White House wannabe to millions more.
Sure, she’s gorgeous. But she also combines
brazen obliviousness about being in way over her head
with an icy cold, Alaska toughness — exuding a sense
that if you cross her, she’d be equally comfortable gutting
you with an icicle or just shootin’ you in the face, Cheney-style.
What’s
next for the Foxy Newsmaker? Smart money says she’ll use
the promotional push behind "America by Heart"
(Saturday’s stop: Des Moines, Iowa) to rev up a real-American
run for the White House. Throw in "Dancing with the
Stars" and her hit reality TV show and Sarah Palin
is white-hot. We’re talkin’ red, white and blue hot!
Fortunately, we’re here to help you make
sense of it all, with our fair and balanced Palinist Manifesto.
* * *
COMING NEXT in "(REAL)
AMERICA BY HEART:
REFLECTIONS ON (EXPLOITING) FAMILY FAITH & FLAG"
THE BEGINNING:
Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger
in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks
later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the
ever-present threat of socialism.
Report:
Kim Jong-il launched military strike to woo Sarah Palin
A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor
deny reports that the enigmatic North Korean dictator
attacked South Korea today because he has a crush on Sarah
Palin and wanted to catch her attention.
Apart from his love of WMDs, choreographed goose-stepping
and SpongeBob SquarePants, little is known about the reclusive
leader, who is rarely seen in public without his signature
18-inch platform shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuit and
pompadour hairstyle.
His birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber
wasp. Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy,
claims to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie,
Queen Elizabeth and Sally Struthers. However, he denies
any romantic involvement with Bill O’Reilly or North Korean
Pam Anderson impersonator Bam Sanderson. Friends say he
spends hours on Match.com trolling for his "Seoul
mate."
Known
to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il
action figure.
He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his
aides. His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse
and raping small animals.
Regarded as part immortal by his subjects, he claims
to have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried
Chicken and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black
belt in golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first
time he played.
His favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies
and lollipops, and he enjoys playing American parlor games
such as Yahtzee, Battleship and Gnip Gnop.
Kim
Jong-il recently anointed his son as his successor, and
sources say his lifelong addiction to cough syrup, cognac
and crack has caused health problems ranging from red
lung and pancreatic vapors to cardiac dragons or curvature
of the liver.
North Korean state media called reports about Kim’s ill
health "a western conspiracy" and "not
fair and balanced."
Tea
Party threatens
‘Second Amendment remedies’ if Bristol Palin doesn’t win ‘Dancing with the Stars’
Rumblings within
the rogue Tea Party voting bloc that has kept Bristol Palin
alive on "Dancing with the Stars" suggest that
anything short of a Palin victory could trigger "Second
Amendment remedies."
Asked what that means,
an anonymous Tea Party operative explained that "Second
Amendment remedies" is a popular expression coined
by Nevada Tea Party superstar Sharron Angle to advocate
armed insurrection against governments or oppressive, left-leaning
reality show regimes.
Amid rumors of death
threats and bizarre conspiracies about voter
fraud, Palin danced well last night, but remains an
underdog in most polling. Fortunately for her and running
mate Mark Ballas, the Tea Party is mounting an aggressive
write-in campaign.
The plucky pro-abstinence
heroine nailed a double pelvic thrust during a sexy freestyle
dance routine, as cameras panned to proud mama Sarah cheering
from the crowd.
Now America
must wait until tonight to learn whether Sarah, I mean Bristol,
can claim the coveted mirror ball.
Palin archrival Jennifer
Grey has consistently received better scores from the judges,
but sources say unnamed Tea Party operatives are prepared
to "go negative" — digging up dirt on the onetime
"Dirty Dancing" star.
* * *
Today’s video
offers a harsh look at what might happen if two little girls
discussed the extremes of Tea Party rhetoric while have
a lovely tea party.
Fact: The Sarah Palin
industry is one of the fastest-growing segments of the U.S.
economy (Main Street Journal).
The Daily Palin has
learned this shrewd, shrewish celebu/poli/tainer plans piggyback
her presidential announcement with the launch of her patriotic
new book — creating a Palinesque perfect storm that could
crest into a full-blown lamestream media tsunami.
Throw in her hit reality
TV show and Sarah Palin is white-hot. We’re talkin’ red,
white and blue hot!
It’s
all very exhilarating, I know. But fear not, The Daily Palin
is here to help you make satiric sense of the apparent madness.
Sure she’s a whistlestop
train wreck, but we are duty-bound to rubber-neck because
— love or hate her, adore or abhor her, worship her in-your-face
family values or straight-up fear and loathe her, whether
she sends a tingle up your spine or a grisly gag reflex
up your gullet — if Sarah takes aim at the White House,
verbal bullets are bound to fly.
Chirp — I think she
just tweeted something about Barack Obama palling around
with socialists!
Here at The Daily
Palin, our crack team of Palintologists is poised to deliver
in the ultimate in 24/7 expert coverage of the Palin phenomenon.
Each day, we’ll bring
you Palin perspectives, videos, jokes, links exclusive breaking
fake news ("Sarah survives money avalanche!").
But wait, there’s
more! Throughout the coming weeks, we’ll also publish our
satiric companion to Palin’s new best-seller. Inspired by
the Barracuda Bard herself, we call it "(Real) America
by Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family, Faith and
Flag (for Fun and Profit)."
(Sources say
"America by Heart" is the next in a series of
60-70 Palin books, with future themes to include vampires,
polar bears and left-wing zombies.)
So whether you find
her Alaska drawl melodious or odious, whether you’re just
wild about Sarah or involuntarily tormented by the Wasilla
Wonder — this is a site for Palinistas of all political
persuasions, from right-wing goons to left-wing loons and
everyone in between.
The video on this
page is noted American redneck savant Billy Buck Teefus
reviewing our previous Palin parody, "Going Vogue."
Please stay tuned
to The Daily Palin for cutting-edge Palinomic analysis of
"real America." A magical land where a politically
green, ex-beauty queen from the Great White North can take
the GOP ‘n’ Tea Party by storm — winking, strutting and
tweeting her way down Main Street straight toward 1600 Pennsylvania
Ave.
THE
DAILY PALIN: Palin
narrowly escapes massive cash avalanche
Sarah
Palin – fresh from a mountain-climbing expedition in
her new TLC reality series “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”
– has reportedly escaped injury in a terrifying money
avalanche.
Palin apparently was trying to scale a
steep, snow-capped pile of money outside her lakefront home
in Wasilla, when the stack unexpectedly gave way – burying
her under several tons of powder-green U.S. currency.
Sources say friends and family had warned
Palin about standing to close to the money – a precarious
mountain of cash heaped in an outdoor staging area until it
can be counted and stored in one of her many giant vaults.
Palin is believed to have reaped somewhere between $12 million
and $500 billion since resigning as governor of Alaska.
Congressional
Dec 07 2010
McCain demonstrates ‘Archie Bunker mentality’
Stay
Notoriously
Sarah Palin plunged into the WikiLeaks fiasco — 
Report:
Known
Kim
Tea
Introducing
It’s
Sarah