Edwards admits paternity, Bush Sr. may be next

By
John Breneman

Disgraced former presidential candidate John Edwards, who
previously claimed that DNA testing would clear his sperm
of any wrongdoing, today admitted that he is the father of
a love child.

The
news sparked rampant speculatation about whether former President
George H.W. Bush would finally admit paternity of White House
ne’er-do-well George W. Bush.

Sources say that after years of finger-pointing based on
their nearly identical names and strong physical resemblance,
the elder Bush may finally step forward to confirm what many
have long suspected — he is the father of one of the nation’s
all-time worst presidents.

Related stories:
Edwards
flip-flops on infidelity issue
— Aug. 14, 2008

Bush
may suffer from Iraq-tile dysfunction
— Jan. 2, 2006

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

By
John Breneman

A report in this month’s Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals
that myrrh — once a popular Christmas and birthday gift —
can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets
to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very
few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the
substance — a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of
trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia — causes a range of malignant
conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents
began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful
anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as
a baby and we all know how things turned out for him,"
said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author
of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their
perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart
in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today’s most popular
scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago,"
said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new
fragrance by rapper 50 Cent — 50 Scent.

Compounding
the potential danger, the FDA is warning that at least one
death has been traced to a batch of tainted myrrh from China.
The black-market Chinese myrrh is said to contain additives
ranging from arsenic and asbestos to coal and reindeer feces.

In other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal
meth." The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or
snorted, the Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting
a dramatic upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense
labs throughout the rural South and Midwest.

Related items:

VIDEO:
Redneck Christmas CD
featuring Mr. Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant

Arm
yourself for
the War on Christmas
with high-tech Weapons of
Midnight Mass Destruction

"The
Twelve Days of
(Gangsta) Christmas"

Holiday
health tips
(Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase)

This
just in from sister publication Jacko
Digest:

Jacko
Digest reports: Stone-dead Michael Jackson killed
at the American Music Awards, winning four pointy plastic
phallic symbols for the mantle at his multimillion-dollar
hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.

As media e-jacko-lation ensues, the nation’s leading jacko-logists
estimate $1.2 trillion in jacko-nomic impact.

Pretty young thing Taylor Swift, who beat Dead Jacko for
Artist of the Year, said: "To even be mentioned in a
category with Michael Jackson, who we will miss and love forever,
is both an unimaginable honor and a little creepy." Kanye
West could not be reached for a pompous self-aggrandizing
comment.

In other highlights Lady Gaga performed at a flaming piano,
"in honor of that time Michael’s hair caught on fire."

Related stories:
HUMOR/TRIBUTE:
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of ‘Off the Wall’ entertainers

Wacko
sister says Jacko murdered

Top
baby name for 2009 is ‘Jacko’

Jacko
gets off: Verdict rocks globe — June 14, 2005

Jackson
testifies vs. Jacko at trial: Inner child cites years of abuse
— June 3, 2005

Tinky
Winky claims ‘Jacko touched me’

U.S.
forces nab Jacko’s #2 man in Pakistan

JACKO
DIGEST

Oprah
quits Oprah to start Oprah network, star in ‘Phantom of the
Oprah’

This just in: Oprah has made it O-fficial. In a major O-nnouncement
that sent shockwaves from Chicago to Tokyo.

Winfrey is qutting Oprah to star opposite George Clooney
and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?"
and make her Broadway debut in "Phantom of the Oprah."

See
the full story at my blog at the Boston Herald.

Palin calls National Geographic cover
‘sexist’

By
John Breneman

Responding to criticism from Sarah Palin that her depiction
on the cover of National Geographic was "sexist
and oh-so-Newsweek," editors at the magazine
defended the use of a provocative image paired with the headline,
"GOP Cougar Unleashed!"

"Our interest in Sarah Palin is strictly anthropological,"
said editor Jack Wildebeest. "Plus we wanted to sell
a couple million magazines."

Palin claimed the magazine played "gotcha" by tricking
her into admitting that she doesn’t believe in evolution.

According to the article: "Palinus Politicus (species:
anti-homo sapiens) is a fierce, cold-blooded carnivore often
mocked in the political jungle for stalking as prey the swifter,
nimbler, more intelligent Kenyan Obama."

Palin,
riding a wave of publicity with the release of her best-selling
autobiography "Going Vogue" and a controversial
Newsweek cover, also complained about sexist cover treatment
in the Christian Science Monitor, Ebony and the Reader’s Digest
swimsuit edition. She is calling a report in Vanity Fair
"unbalanced."

Sarah ‘Going Vogue’ in maverick memoir

By
John Breneman

Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen
bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American
Life" finally hits bookstores.

Also out today, "Going
Rouge: An American Nightmare," a book
of essays critical of Palin complied by two editors
at The Nation and featuring a nearly identical cover.

And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from
Humor Gazette Media — "Going Vogue: A Real American
… Huh?"

With
startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss
Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going
Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless
elite liberal media and President
Obama’s death panels.

The publication — described as "a revisionist look
at a revisionist autobiography by America’s most fabulous
fabulist" — reveals that along with creationism, Palin
is a devout believer in creating her own reality.

"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe
in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary
War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and
apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every
fetus to own a gun.

In
the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement’s Cute Rockne.

Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"?
You betcha.

In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin’s call for
the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman,
the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue"
spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker.
(See videos below)

Palin’s "family values" shtik is increasing her
family’s value by millions — with her best-selling book, lucrative
reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and a new line of Sassy
Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

Related
story:
Our
Fox puppet report on Sarah Barracuda’s fishy, salmon swimming
upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech. —
July 5, 2009

Related links:
"Going
Rouge" — The Coloring Book

"Going
Rouge: An American Nightmare"

Huffington
Post — Palin page

Palin ‘Going Vogue’ in maverick memoir

By
John Breneman

Media buzz over the new best-seller by conservative queen
bee Sarah Palin climaxes today as "Going Rogue: An American
Life" finally hits bookstores.

Also out today, "Going
Rouge: An American Nightmare," a book
of essays critical of Palin complied by two editors
at The Nation and featuring a nearly identical cover.

And now, completing the trilogy, a hot new Palin parody from
Humor Gazette Media — "Going Vogue: A Real American
… Huh?"

With
startling revelations about the former beauty queen (Miss
Communication) turned Joe Six-Pack hockey mom, "Going
Vogue" is already getting rave reviews from the godless
elite liberal media and President
Obama’s death panels.

The publication — described as "a revisionist look
at a revisionist autobiography by America’s most fabulous
fabulist" — reveals that along with creationism, Palin
is a devout believer in creating her own reality.

"Going Vogue" confirms that Palin does not believe
in evolution and breaks the news that she supports an Evolutionary
War pitting "real Americans" against liberals and
apes. She also reiterates her belief in the right of every
fetus to own a gun.

In the parody, Palin takes shots at John McCain for choosing
her to be one heartbeat (or ruptured spleen) away from the
presidency, and she sprinkles the book with fawning references
to God and Ronald Reagan, part of her ongoing campaign to
be the conservative movement’s Cute Rockne.

Fresh digs at Katie Couric for playing "gotcha"?
You betcha.

In addition to breaking new jokes about Palin’s call for
the U.S. to adopt tougher sanctions against David Letterman,
the abridged (to nowhere) edition of "Going Vogue"
spotlights past Humor Gazette reportage on the Foxy Newsmaker.
(See videos below)

Palin’s "family values" shtik
is increasing her family values by millions — with her best-selling
book, lucrative reality TV opportunities, workout DVDs and
a new line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

BOOK
REVIEW
Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant,
on "Going Vogue"

Miss Piggy spreads swine flu on ‘Sesame Street’

(Today’s
episode of Triple-Action News
brought to you by the letters H1N1)

Filming of a popular PBS children’s program ground to a halt
today, as dozens of cast members reportedly caught swine flu
when longtime colleague Miss Piggy blew out the candles on
a birthday cake marking the show’s 40th anniversary.

The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that Miss Piggy —
the lovelorn, porcine prima donna — is under quarantine as
a carrier of the deadly H1N1 virus. Kermit the Frog is said
to be praying his longtime friend doesn’t "croak."

Meanwhile,
U.S. Rep. Roosevelt Franklin has sponsored legislation mandating
that the H1N1 vaccine be made more widely available to the muppet
community. But he admitted that, for now, his swine flu initiative
is "just a bill, sitting here on Capitol Hill."

The Sesame Street Journal is also reporting that PBS
superstar Big Bird has been identified as a possible carrier
of the deadly and horrifying avian flu.

In a related story: Triple-Action News anchorman Reid
Page needles the media’s coverage of the swine flu "oink-idemic,"
with expert insight from porcine pundit Dr. Napoleon Hamm.

Swine flu over the cuckoo’s nest

Good evening. I’m Triple-Action News anchorman Reid
Page.

Tonight – Swine flu: Friend or foe?

Despite claims that humans cannot get swine flu from pigs,
fears about a possible oink-idemic are sweeping the nation.

And – this just in – a new Internet rumor that
director Steven Spielberg contracted H1N1 from R2D2.

Neither Mr. Spielberg nor Mr. D2 could not be reached for
comment.

Questions about the swine flu outbreak abound, including
how it might impact our nation’s pork-based economy.

Fortunately, the media is rolling up its sleeves to inject
a dose of calm amid the hysteria – reporting that you
CANNOT get swine flu from corndogs, hog jowls or pigs in a
blanket. And there is no need to fear knackwurst or bratwurst,
except in a wurst-case scenario.

Epidemiologists agree that swine flu vaccine offers the best
protection, but say it comes with a risk … of being trampled
by the mobs trying to get some.

Meanwhile, the CDC says signs of possible exposure to the
virus include rutting, oinking and speaking in Pig Latin.

To help put things in perspective, we go now to our chief
swine flu correspondent, Dr. Napoleon Hamm.

***

DR. NAPOLEON HAMM (played by a pig puppet):

Yaahh! Humans gettin’ swine flu from us pigs. That’s
hogwash, see.

Just the udder day I was down at The Sty shootin’ the
slop with a couple a sows. And one of em tells me Wolf Blitzer
sez Jimmy Dean’s under quarantine. Can’t get the
vaccine.

Agghh! I’m sicka hearin about swine flu.

Swine flu got my bruddah but it’ll never get me, see.

SNEEZES

***

ANCHORMAN REID PAGE (now sporting a pig snout):

There you have it. Human beings cannot get swine flu from
pigs.

However, just to be safe the Dept. of Homeland Security is
cautioning people to avoid unprotected relations with members
of the porcine community and warning all Americans to stay
at least seven degrees away from Kevin Bacon.

Finally, President Obama is urging the American people to
go about their daily affairs with an appropriate level of
media-fueled swine flu paranoia.

Reporting LIVE from our state-of-the-art Triple-Action Newsroom,
I’m anchorman Reid Page.

CLICK
HERE: to see Humor Gazette videos on YouTube.

Rain Delay Man — baseball savant

Inspired by Dustin Hoffman’s Oscar-winning character in "Rain
Man," this video is an homage to the national pastime
by my imaginary baseball savant — "Rain Delay Man."

It’s World Series time.
Fall Classic.

First played October 1, 1903,
Boston, Massachusetts.
Attendance 16,242 fans.
It was a Thursday.

Boston Americans beat Pittsburgh.
Cy Young – 28-9, ERA 2.08
He had an excellent slider.

National pastime. Colorful history.

Cubs win. Cubs win.
Last time October 14, 1908.
It was a Wednesday.

Tinker to Evers to Chance.
Excellent fielders.

Boston Red Sox.
1918 champions.
They sold Babe Ruth for $100. To the Yankees.
Ow.

Uh-oh.
Black Sox! Black Sox!
1919. Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner.
“Say it ain’t so.”

’27 Yankees. Murderer’s Row.
Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth
Sultan of Swat.
Bambino likes beer.

St. Louis Cardinals. 1934
Gashouse Gang
Dizzy Dean, 30 wins. 19 for Daffy.
Who’s on first? Ripper Collins
Excellent line driver.

October 15, 1946. It was a Tuesday.
Boston Red Sox. Game 7.
Ted Williams. Greatest hitter of all-time.
Severed head frozen at Alcor Life Extension Foundation in
Scottsdale, Arizona.

Johnny Pesky.
Enos Slaughter rounding third…
Here comes the throw. Not in time.
Red Sox lose.
Ow.

1955 Brooklyn Dodgers. Dem Bums
Jackie Robinson, definitely broke the color barrier
Duke Snider, Peewee Reese.
Finally beat the Yankees. October 4, 1955.
It was a Tuesday.
Roy Campanella … not a very good driver.

Carl Yastrzemski. Yastrzemski, Carl.
Born Aug. 22, 1939. It was a Tuesday.
Fans love Yaz. Won the Triple Crown in 1967.
Impossible Dream.

Uh-oh.
Bob Gibson pitching for St. Louis.
Ow. Ow.

1975 Cincinnati Reds.
Big Red Machine.
Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle.
All-time hit king – 4,256 hits.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner

1986
World Series. Game 6.
Who’s on first?
Uh-oh.
Billy Buckner.
Mookie Wilson at the plate.
Ow.

2004
Red Sox. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Bloody sock. Definitely bloody.

Great day for a ballgame.
Peanuts and crackerjack .
Don’t care if I ever come back.

World Series time.
Fall Classic.

Charlie Babbitt says: Any rebroadcast, retransmission or
other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without
the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited.
Definitely prohibited.

Rain
Delay Man suffers from a rare form of Postseason Traumatic
Stress Disorder.

Follow
Humor Gazette on Twitter

Media
high on helium during Balloon Boy coverage

By John Breneman

After going bonkers for the Balloon Boy hoax last week, CNN,
MSNBC and Fox News today broke the news that a young boy dressed
in a wolf suit had been kidnapped by "Wild Things."

When informed that the "Wild Things" news story
was actually a movie that opened over the weekend, the media
responded, "Oops. Never mind."

Defending his network’s coverage of the Colorado balloon
hoax, a CNN spokesman pointed out that the balloon was, in
fact, "extremely shiny."

Authorities now say they are preparing to file charges against
Richard Heene, an amateur scientist and inventor, and semi-professional
douche who now faces possible jail time for contributing to
the delinquency of the media.

The Balloon Boy hoax began to burst when 6-year-old Falcon
Heene vomited during a CNN interview and said to his parents,
"You guys said that we did this for the show."

Scrambling
to explain his son’s apparent confession, the elder Heene
said the boy had simply become confused because the family
is simultaneously pitching several reality shows, including
"Hurricane Boy," "Publicity Whore" and
"Leave it to Falcon."

Sources say the Heenes, who previously appeared on ABC’s
"Wife Swap," were also developing a project featuring
Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan and
former U.S. House Speaker Tom DeLay.

Fortunately, we here at Humor Gazette/Triple-Action News
had the good sense not to waste precious air time on the "Balloon
Boy" fiasco, reporting instead on Sarah
Palin‘s latest tweet, Glenn
Beck‘s latest mental breakdown and a rumor that the
Octomom plans to adopt a puppy.