Red Sox fans suffering
from
Postseason Traumatic Stress Disorder

By John Breneman

When the Boston Red Sox swept the New York Yankees in early
June to bring their season record against the Bronx Bombers
to 8-0, even the most realistic Sox fan had visions of the team rolling through the postseason to claim its third World Series title of the decade.

But now that Boston has been swept from the playoffs by the
Angels, sports psychologists estimate that up to 82 percent
of Red Sox Nation may be suffering from … Postseason Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Symptoms include:
O Sensations of droopiness in your “We’re
#1” foam finger.
O Recurring flashbacks to October of 1986.
O Delusion that TV clicker can be used to change playoff
loss into victory.
O Irrational fear of men named Vladimir and anyone
clad in pinstripes.
O Unshakable feeling that Manny Ramirez is laughing
at you.
O
Hallucinations involving the frozen, severed head of Ted Williams.

Leading sports neurologists report there is no cure, though
some counselors suggest afflicted Sox fans may benefit from
a treatment once used by supporters of the old Brooklyn Dodgers
called “Wait till next year” therapy.

Related story:
Hub
fans bid curse adieu — April 13, 2005

Related video:
Rain
Delay Man

Rain Delay Man

Just in time for the playoffs and World Series, a short video
featuring a baseball savant reflecting on the national pastime

— Rain Delay Man.

Related story:
Boston
Marathon
madness — April
7, 2006

Health-care reform rhetoric
hazardous to your health?

By
John Breneman

As the debate over health-care reform becomes more feverish,
polls show a majority of Americans are getting a migraine from
listening to politicians who are more concerned with the well-being
of greedy health-care corporations the health of the American
people.

"13 O’Clock News" chief medical correspondent,
Dr. Bill Payne, reports that other side effects of prolonged
exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:

(YouTube
VIDEO of this report)

Tourette’s syndrome, exploding jugular vein, electile dysfunction,
restless middle-finger syndrome, paranoid trillionosis and
post-traumatic soiled-pants syndrome.

Ruptured spleen, projectile vomitosis, degenerative pharmaceutical-industrial
complex, enlarged premium syndrome, recurrent claim denial
and early-afternoon alcoholism.

Also:
Curvature of the liver, gastrointestinal wretching, mental
calcification, metaphysical disorientation, ideological leprosy,
cerebral hemorrhoids and cognitive primordial dwarfism.

Clinical depression, douple-dip recession, triple dementia,
testicular hallucinations, intellectual bulimia, lyme disease,
BlackBerry dereangment syndrome and chronic diaper tension.

Other
side effects:
Cold sweats, hot flashes, inflammation of the wallet, varicose
brain, greased palm, clubfoot, hammer toe, housemaid’s knee,
rainbow gout, rickets, rabies and shingles.

Heartworms, facial ticks, intestinal locusts, cardiovascular
fleas, pancreatic scorpions, black lung, chopped liver, chronic
bubonic plague, soul weevils and unmitigated gallstones.

Other risks may include:
Whooping cough, congressional meningitis, moral obesity, SpongeBob
SquarePants disorder, Irritable Pundit Syndrome, male-pattern
hypocrisy and spastic Rush Lymphoma grandiosis.

Philosophic thrombosis, ethical psoriasis, fudge sickle-cell
anemia, hepatitis ABCDEF&G, temporary insanity, malignant
media brainwashing and esophageal bloviation.

Finally:
The surgeon general has warned that additional side effects
of prolonged exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:

Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance.

In other medical news:
Study:
Myrrh may be hazardous to your health
— Dec. 12, 2006

Brain
usage: 10% and dropping

Everything
may be hazardous to your health

Kim Jong-il out for season with torn ACL

By
John Breneman

A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny
rumors that the enigmatic North Korean dictator may be dead,
incapacitated from a stroke, or simply recovering from one
of his legendary cognac benders.

However, ESPN reports the longtime Axis of Evil honcho has
torn his anterior cruciate ligament and could be sidelined
for the entire 2009-10 terror campaign. Still other reports
suggest he could be afflicted with pancreatic vapors, red
lung, cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.

Questions about Kim’s health arose last week when he failed
to attend the nation’s 60th anniversary military parade, despite
his well-documented love of choreographed goose-stepping.
Sources say Kim was slated to hold one of the strings guiding
an enormous SpongeBob SquarePants balloon along the downtown
Pyongyang parade route.

North
Korean state media called reports about Kim’s ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.

The health concerns have sparked uncertainty about the leadership
picture in North Korea, where Kim — much like former U.S. President
George W. Bush — inherited the job from his dad.

Little is known about the diminutive (5′ 3") leader,
who is rarely seen in public without his trademark platform
shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuits and pompadour hairstyle.

Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action
figure.

His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O’Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."

He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides.
His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and shooting
off his missiles.

Kim, regarded as part immortal by his subjects, claims to
have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken
and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in
golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he
played.

His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.

Related stories:
Nuke
fight at the WMD Corral

Potsie
loses millions in Fonzie scheme

By
John Breneman

Henry Winkler, best known for playing hoodlum Arthur Fonzarelli
on the 1970s sitcom "Happy Days," has allegedly
swindled millions from his former cast mates in what police
are calling a full-blown Hollywood "Fonzie scheme."

Sources say Winkler/Fonzarelli used his roguish charm to
con his victims, often deflecting questions about their investments
by giving them the thumbs up and assuring them that everything
was "cool."

Anson Williams, who portrayed the dim-witted Potsie, reportedly
handed over his entire $1.6 million savings when Fonzarelli
simply looked at him and said, "Aaaaaay."

Oscar-winning
filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme,
and actor Scott Baio lost his pants. Also duped were a husband
and wife identified in the federal indictment as "Mr.
and Mrs. C."

Donny Most, who played wise-cracking Ralph Malph back in
happier days, was also among those bilked by Winkler/Fonzarelli.
Said Most, "I assumed he could make stock-market fortunes
by just snapping his fingers."

Winkler/Fonzarelli, who was apprehended at Arnold’s Drive-in
in Milwaukee wearing an Armani leather jacket and driving a $150,000 Claudio Castiglioni MV Agusta F4 motorcycle, denied any
knowledge of the Fonzie scheme.

Osama
unveils new look in 9/11 video

By John Breneman

U.S. forces just missed nailing Osama bin Laden at a stylish
Pakistan beauty parlor last week. This from a source close
to the hairdresser who trimmed and dyed bin Laden’s beard
for today’s highly anticipated 9/11
anniversary video.

In
another close call, Air Force B-2s bombed a heavily fortified
luxury spa remote Uzbekistan moments after bin Laden stopped
in for a manicure, pedicure and avocado mango butter facial.

Sources say the narcissistic terror kingpin likes to look
sharp for the anniversary of his Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on
America.

One year he bought himself a full-length mink coat. In 2007,
he sported a jaunty straw hat. And longtime bin Laden watchers
say his sense of fashion steadily improved since the embarrassing
cornrow fiasco of 1998.

"I would personally kill a man to get my hands on his
collection of cashmere shawls," said Amira Raj, editor
of Allah Girl and a leading authority on extremist Islamic
fashion trends.

Last
month, she predicted bin Laden would have "work"
done on his signature beard, saying, "The ZZ Top look
is sooo 2005."

Raj noted that the Islamotainment industry is eager for a
sneak peak at bin Laden’s incendiary new looks for Spring
2010.

In a related development: A spokesman confirmed that bin
Laden is no longer just a Grecian Formula Muslim Beard Club
member, he is now the president.

Obama
heckled by Animal House of Representatives

By
John Breneman

Days after deriding President Obama’s pep talk to America’s schoolchildren as some sort of socialist plot, Republican congressmen heckled the president during a major speech on health care, lobbing spitballs and calling the president a stinking, Nazi, big-government liar.

South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and others responded to Obama’s appeal to join together for the good of the country by channeling a scene from “Animal House” — blurting out “death panel!” while pretending to cough into their hands.

Later it was discovered that GOP lawmakers had littered the floor of Congress with crumpled-up paper airplanes and used magic markers to scrawl “Obama loves Pelosi” and “Barack sucks” on the backs of chairs.

Though some Democrats slammed Wilson for his disrespectful outburst, key Republicans praised him for sucking up half the air time that might have been used to cover the actual speech.

Analysts say GOP reaction to the president’s speech proves his Republican foes are determined to turn one of the most important issues of our time into a political food fight.

Summertime
recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced
tea, old-timers know there’s nothing quite like a refreshing
Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer
day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash
them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin
to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and
garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and
gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather
trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household
oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican
laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with
Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from
flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and
construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer
to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame
logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass
onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid
or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite,
making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the
gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains
pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized
slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and
puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of
anchovy and serve.

Palin ‘death panel’ claim escalates war
on Obama

By
John Breneman

The GOP’s war on health care escalated today as Sarah Palin
accused President Obama of establishing a “death panel”
to kill babies and old people.

WATCH:
Humor video

Palin claimed Obama’s “evil” plan would force
Americans to smother their parents at age 75 with a government-issued
pillow.

Calling Obama a cannibalistic, Kenya-born communist, Palin
also appealed for civil debate – showing once again why
polls rank her the nation’s most surrealistic political
performance artist.

Rush Limbaugh swastika’d Obama by comparing the president
to Adolf Hitler. Obama is a fascist, brown supremacist liberal
jihadist, warned the legendary white-wing media arsonist –
casting himself as Sgt. Schultz in the War on Obama.

White-wing media arsonist Rush Limbaugh firebombed Obama
by comparing the president to Adolf Hitler. Obama is a fascist,
brown supremacist liberal jihadist, warned Limbaugh –
casting himself as Sgt. Schultz in the War on Obama.

Glenn Beck fired up his troops by calling
Obama a “racist” who hates white people.

Enraged members of the Glenn Beck Militia then stormed town-hall
meetings to shout down the socialist president’s bigoted,
big-government health-care plot.

CNN’s Lou Dobbs remained neutral, advising Obama to
simply fork over some Hawaiian DNA to prove he’s a real
American.

Meanwhile,
as the anti-Obama industry churns out fictional talking points
and free presidential effigy kits, Fox News urged disgruntled
viewers to flood their congressmen with patriotic death threats.

Next in the War on Obama: Bill O’Reilly stokes fears that
the racist, Nazi, baby-killing president will block conservative
nominees from serving on his evil health-care death panel.

When we return: Is aggressive treatment of toxic pundits
covered under Obama’s plan?