Triple-Action News: the latest poll

Good
evening, I’m anchorman Reid Page and this is Triple-Action
News.

A new Gallup poll reveals that conservatives and liberals
agree on at least one key issue — 82% of Americans say they
would like to punch a politician in the face.

Another 74% say they would like to choke a cable TV news
pundit.

This as a majority of conservatives AND liberals agree that
efforts to make America more healthy are being distorted by
malicious cable news fear-mongering, and sabotaged by typical
hypocritical political greed.

In
a new Fox News poll …

86% of Fox News viewers are confused about whether President
Obama is a socialist, a communist, a Nazi, a Muslim extremist
or — worse — all of the above.

74% don’t want their schoolchildren exposed to that radical, foreign,
brown bogeyman who lives in the White House.

Another 46% fear Obama is plotting to implant an Obamaton
microchip in the left forearm of every schoolchild.

And 99% of Fox News viewers say they do not want to be euthanized
by some government death panel or one of Obama’s big-government
zombie storm troopers.

However, 99% of Fox viewers ALSO say they wouldn’t mind having
health insurance that covered pre-existing conditions, that
didn’t keep skyrocketing in price and that actually paid most
medical bills instead of arbitrarily denying coverage.

For Triple-Action News, I’m anchorman Reid Page.

Pundit Frankie Goldchains slams Glenn
Beck

ANCHORMAN REID PAGE:

Good
evening, I’m anchorman Reid Page. Tonight on "America’s
Most Hateful Pundits" — cable TV cancer Glenn Beck trying
to make headlines and boost his ratings by calling President
Obama a "racist."

Repugnant self-aggrandizing bigotry or triple reverse racist
gibberish?

With us is ex-Mafia media pundit Frankie Goldchains.

WATCH
VIDEO:
FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS
vs. GLENN BECK

FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS:

Yeah, I’m Frankie Goldchains.

Ya hear about this facehole Glenn Beck calling Obama a racist
on Fox News?

"Obama’s a racist." Yeah, that’s it.

Who writes your material, Beck? The Imperial Grand Dragon
over there at Ku Klux News?

I see right through you — you Fascist, narcissist, Commie
propaganda monkey!!

Our
president hates white people?!? Not even your viewers are
that stupid, Beck!! Spewin’ that pulpy bullshit from your
bully pulpit.

Man, I seen some race baiters in my day. But you — you’re
some kinda master race baiter. Tryin’ to incite the anti-Obama
whackjobs.

Stirrin’ up some kinda Reich-wing Fuhrer.

You hate our president so much. Go back to Glennbeckistan!!!

You smug illegal Caucasian domestic terrorist !!

Pass the word to your boys O’Reilly and Dobbs and Hannity,
too. Stinkin’ up the airwaves with your revolting jowl movements!!
Good thing you clowns are protected by Freedom of Speech.

You wanna debate?!?

I’ll come down there — DEBATE THE CRAP OUTTA YOU !!!

FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS STYLE !!

RELATED VIDEO:
Frankie
Goldchains to replace Colmes on ‘Hannity & Colmes’

Jacko murdered? Wacko sister
wants him buried in Jackson Hole

Good
evening, I’m Humor Gazette 13 O’Clock News anchorman Reid
Page, reporting live from our Neverland bureau.

Welcome to Day 20 of the Michael Jackson Death Watch.

WATCH
THE VIDEO

Boosted by round-the-clock media
e-jacko-lation, Michael Jackson
hit #1 on the TV News charts for the third sconsecutive week.

Now
sister LaToya Jackson is crying "murder!" She offers
no evidence, but media jackals are gorging on her claim like
a pack of choreographed zombies from "Thriller."
Sources say her chief suspects are Tito, Bubbles and Dr. Phil.

Sales of Mr. Jackson’s music have soared — along with memorabilia
ranging from sequined gloves and surgical masks to Michael
Jackson action figures and commemorative Jacko-lanterns.

The
retail blitz has provided a much-needed stimulus to the nation’s
ailing finances — analysts estimate the singer’s death has
generated at least $1.2 trillion dollars in jacko-nomic impact.

Our first guest has a PYT in Jacksonian HIStory from Jackson
State University, where he is one of the nation’s pre-eminent
jackologists.

Please welcome, professor Jack Michaels. … Professor
Michaels, how has Mr. Jackson’s tragic death affected you?

PROFESSOR
JACK MICHAELS: Thank you, Reid.

In the past "48 Hours," I’ve been interviewed by
Oprah, Regis, Geraldo and Whoopi; Wolf Blitzer, Fox &
Friends, Morning Joe and the Daily Show.

I’ve dished dirt to Rosie, spilled my guts on Springer and
told all to Montel.

Katie Couric had me on a panel with Kato Kaelin and Casey
Kasem, and Ryan Seacrest asked me who I was wearing.

I’ve been verbally abused by Bill O’Reilly, bum-rushed by
Limbaugh and called a "disgrace" by Nancy Grace.
I was even grilled by Bobby Flay.

I’ve bared my soul to fill the newshole on (singing) ABC,
it’s easy as MTV, as simple as BET, A&E, channel E!, even
TMZ, sir.

And tomorrow, you can see me on Jacko-tainment Tonight, Access
Bollywood and a very special edition of the Twilight Zone.

I also testified before Congress supporting a blanket resolution
honoring Michael as the greatest alleged pedophile of our
time.

REID
PAGE: Thank you, professor Jack Michaels … for reminding
us that here in America, mega-celebrities accused of bizarre
behavior are innocent until proven freaky.

This just in: More mindless speculation about Mr. Jackson’s
final resting place — now believed to be in Wyoming, in a
multimillion-dollar hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.

For the Humor Gazette 13 O’Clock News, I’m anchorman Reid
Page.

Related
story & video:
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of ‘Off the Wall’ entertainers

Sarah ‘Barracuda’ Palin’s fishy resignation
speech

Good
evening. I’m Fox News anchor-puppet Deuce Murdoch — reporting
live from Anchorage …

Tonight:
Why did Sarah Palin resign as governor?
I don’t know — but Alaska!!

VIDEO
(CNN iReport)

What we do know is that Sarah Barracuda has gone maverick
again — stunning the political world by announcing her resignation
Friday in a fishy, salmon swimming upstream-of-consciousness
speech that ticked off the elite, liberal media by giving
them no coherent comment on why she did it or what she’ll
do next.

America’s favorite moose-cookin’, Putin-huntin’ hockey mom
did say she was sick of being a political hockey puck.

And sources claim she’s so steamed about scandal rumors involving
her $1.2 million igloo that she plans to take a brief vacation
shooting media jackals from an airplane.

Then
she may hit the paid-speaker circuit, where she can reel in
big money with her inane ability to spout random strings of
words that underscore her refreshing lack of knowledge and
experience.

That would also help position her for 2012, when some say
she’ll be the GOP’s best hope to stop that President Hussein
Obama from palling around with socialists.

Supporters of a presidential bid point out that she’s a staunch
conservative who hates all the right things and is passionate
about the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.

Stay tuned to Facebook and Twitter to find out what’s next
for ex-Gov. Palin, whose family values stand to increase by
millions — with her book and TV opportunities, and her new
line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.

From Anchorage, I’m Fox News anchor-puppet Deuce Murdoch.

WATCH
THE VIDEO

Jackson joins Peter Pantheon
of ‘Off the Wall’ entertainers

Good
evening and welcome to Day 6 of our round-the-clock salute
to legendary pop star Michael Jackson.

I’m Humor Gazette news anchorman Reid Page … and this
is the 13 O’Clock News. (CLICK
to see VIDEO)

Since his death on Thursday at age 50, the media’s nonstop,

over-the-top King of Pop coverage has been absolutely sensational.

But critics claim it is overshadowing such vital news stories
as the unrest in Iran, which has taken a violent turn as pro-Jackson
demonstrators clash with repressive anti-Jacko extremists.

Certain tabloids have aired rank speculation about whether
"Wacko Jacko OD’d on cracko," but we here at 13
O’Clock News have taken a more respectful tone in our coverage
of the only American entertainer ever to walk on the moon.

Idolized around the globe — he is revered as Michael Jacko-san
in Japan and feared as El Jacko in parts of Venezuela — few
could argue that his legacy places him in the Peter Pantheon
of beloved, yet deeply troubled artists.

And while we would be remiss not to acknowledge his unparalleled,
self-provoked contributions to the world of tasteless humor,
let the record show that Mr. Jackson — honored at the White
House in 1984 by President Ronald Reagan for his work with
the Elephant Man — is credited with pioneering breakthroughs
in the fields of plastic surgery, baby dangling and zombie
choreography.

His 1970 hit "ABC" is credited with teaching millions
of young children to learn the first three letters of the
alphabet.

The notoriously reclusive Mr. Jackson died just as he was
set to launch a London comeback tour with 50 sold-out shows.

Details were scarce, but CNN — in a live broadcast from
its Neverland bureau — reported that in addition to several
numbers featuring giraffes and albino backup dancers, Mr.
Jackson planned to take the stage with Jesse Jackson, former
"Charlie’s Angel" Kate Jackson and singer Jackson
Browne in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian democracy
… with a portion of the proceeds benefiting the Shoeless
Joe Jackson Foundation.

Mr. Jackson endured a difficult and traumatic perpetual childhood
— from vicious beatings at the hands of his father and years
of ridicule from media "haters," to being set on
fire by Pepsi in 1984.

His
valiant attempts to live a so-called normal life included
marrying the daughter of Elvis Presley and palling around
with chimpanzees, parasitic enablers and Liza Minelli.

He is survived by three children — Gloved One Jr., Prince
Albert-In-A-Can and Electric Blanket Jackson.

Creepy eccentricities aside, this singular pop singer-slash-icon
will be remembered as a sensitive and compassionate being
who donated millions to charity, and as an outspoken advocate
for peace and racial harmony.

On a personal note: Ever since this reporter, as a child
himself, saw a young
Michael Jackson perform on TV, he has appreciated
— and felt first-hand — this gifted, tragically flawed artist’s
electrifying ability to use music to touch the human soul.

With enduring respect for Michael Joseph Jackson, I’m 13
O’Clock News anchorman Reid Page.

Humor Gazette Radio broadcasts worldwide

This just in — Humor Gazette 13 O’Clock News anchorman Reid Page is now broadcasting live at cyberspace communications giant BlogTalkRadio.

Click here to visit the BlogTalkRadio
Humor Gazette 13 O’Clock News center.

Alaska
governor palin-izes Newt Gingrich

By
John Breneman

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin definitely did NOT plagiarize Newt
Gingrich during a recent speech about Ronald Reagan. She Palin-ized
him.

Though Palin failed to mention that chunks of her 17-minute
speech were lifted from a 2005 article co-written by Gingrich,
she did acknowledge that, "Recently, Newt Gingrich, he
had written a good article about Reagan…"

While introducing Reagan’s son Michael at a GOP event in
Alaska last Wednesday, Palin said Reagan taught us that, "courage
and persistence are keys to historic achievement." In
contrast, Gingrich credited Reagan with teaching that, "Courage
and persistence are the keys to historic achievement."

Palin also mentioned the Gingrich
article a second time during her address — and though
several passages appear
to be lifted directly from Gingrich’s writing, supporters
say Palin sufficiently mangled the former House speaker’s
words and threw in enough "you betchas" to claim
the ideas as her own.

After all, Palin was a college journalism major who was far
too smart to fall for Katie Couric’s trick "gotcha"
questions about what she reads to stay so well-informed.

Critics who are fond of claiming that President Obama is
illiterate without a teleprompter pointed out that Palin was
not reading from ANY electronic devices whatsoever when she
said of Reagan:

"Reagan knew that real change and real change requiring
shaking things up and maybe takin’ off the entrenched interest
thwarting the will of the people with their ignoring of our
concerns about future peril caused by selfish short-sighted
advocacy for growing government and digging more debt, and
taking away individual and state’s rights and hampering opportunity
to responsibly develop our resources, and coddling those who
would seek to harm America and her allies."

A
little Reagan trickles down into the speeches of all Republican
politicians, but Palin’s little Dutch treat showed she’ll
do whatever it takes to be the GOP’s new Cute Rockne.

In other efforts to appear Reaganesque, Palin announced
she had just signed legislation that outlaws Russia forever
and ordered the Alaska National Guard to begin bombing in
five minutes.

She also called on the repressive communist government of
China to "tear down that wall."

VIDEO
of Palin’s Gingrich/Reagan speech

Related story: Palin
comparison: she’s no Dan Quayle — Oct. 3, 2008

Humor Gazette video: Fox
Puppet News: Sarah Palin & GOP convention — Sept.
3, 2008

Cheney shoots political enemy in the face

By
John Breneman

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has shot former counterterrorism
chief Richard Clarke in the face, metaphorically.

The attack came Monday as Cheney continued his daring, 50-state
propaganda spree at the National Press Club in Washington,
D.C.

Asked about a recent Clarke op-ed piece critical of the administration,
Cheney said, "You know, Dick Clarke. Dick Clarke, who
was the head of the counterrorism program in the run-up to
9/11. He obviously missed it."

Pow.

Cheney’s muzzle-load of bull-shot richocheted straight into
the face of every American, especially those who know that
Richard Clarke spent the months leading up to 9/11 carpet-bombing
the White House with messages warning of an al-Qaeda attack,
begging unresponsive Bush officials to take heed.

Cheney blasted away at Clarke despite a smoking-gun
paper trail of correspondence from the counterterrorism
boss, including:

"Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack" (May
3, 2001)
"Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing" (May 26)
"Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent" (June 23)
"Bin Ladin and Associates Making Near-Term Threats"
(June 25)
"Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks" (June
30)
"Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays"
(July 2)

And finally, unable to interest the White House in this urgent,
imminent peril, Clarke emailed Condoleezza Rice on Sept. 4,
2001, asking, "Are we serious about dealing with the
al-Qaeda threat?"

When reminded by the moderator of Clarke’s well-documented
warnings, Cheney — after a brief pause during which he decided
not to shoot the moderator in the face — pretended he didn’t
remember and then fired off a punch line, saying, "That’s
not my recollection, but I haven’t read his book."

Wow.

Cheney’s magical revisionist history tour — a series of
guerrilla TV appearances intended to cement his legacy as
America’s spine-chilling, unrepentant torturer-in-chief —
is apparently having an impact.

As the truth continues to ooze out about the Cheney gang’s
dark White House, polls show that 82% of Americans admit being
scared that Cheney might come to their house late at night
and strangle them in their sleep.

Related story: Cheney
slays 12 in Memorial Day 21-gun salute — May 29,
2006

Rush,
Newt back Sotomayor for Supreme Court job

By
John Breneman

Conservative pundits Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich announced
today they strongly support elevating federal appeals court
Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court … as its cleaning
lady.

Sotomayor has been branded a racist by both men — Gingrich,
the former Tweeter of the House, and Limbaugh one of the nation’s
leading producers of racist rhetoric.

The judge stands to become the first Hispanic justice to serve
on the High Court, but because she was nominated by President
Obama, some on the far right believe it is their duty to trash
Sotomayor by any means necessary — part of their mission
to purge the Republican Party of everyone except rich conservative
honkies.

Former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo, whose anti-immigrant
2008 presidential run was hailed by those who share his Archie
Bunker mentality, said Sotomayor was a member of the "Latino
KKK" and offered to burn her house down in the middle
of the night.

Obama’s selection of Sotomayor has also disappointed some
on the left who hoped he would be more aggressive about adding
diversity to the court by picking the nation’s first openly
gay Haitian-Japanese transvestite albino Orthodox Pagan jurist.

Also troubling to some analysts, Sotomayor’s judicial record
reveals no indication how she would rule when the inevitable
"John & Kate Plus Eight" divorce case reaches
the high court.

Other critics say Sotomayor’s record on the bench raises
concerns that she might be a strict neo-originalistic pro-Darwinian
reconstructionist.

However, supporters say she is supremely well-qualified.
Her favorite musical group is The Supremes and she subsists
primarily on Pizza Hut Super Supreme pizza, though there is
little or no paper trail on what toppings she prefers. She
also has a cat named Oliver Wendell Holmes and a schnauzer
named Brown vs. the Board of Education.

Her
idol is said to be the distinguished former Chief Justice
Joseph Albert Wapner and she once did pro bono work for Sonny
Bono.

Senate Republicans are expected to employ a variety of tactics
— intense questioning, badgering, tickling, sodium pentathol
and waterboarding — to grill her about her stance on Roe
v. Wade, Donkey v. Elephant, Paper v. Plastic and the People
vs. Pea-Brained Satirists.

Related story: Judge
Roberts faces abortion litmus test — July 29, 2005

Captain
Freedom here to satirize the day

Captain
Freedom (aka mild-mannered satirist Newton-based satirist
G. Xavier Robillard) flies in to the Brookline Booksmith tomorrow
evening to single-handedly read from his new book "Captain
Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice and the Celebrity
He So Richly Deserves."

Captain Freedom’s many triumphs in keeping the world safe
for de-mock-racy include his recent victory in the fourth
annual HumorFeed
Satire News Awards, for his rollicking exclusive "Baristas
Claim Obama’s Coffee Not Black Enough."

"Captain Freedom," just published by HarperCollins,
is the first novel for the busy Robillard, who runs the humor
Web site AllDayCoffee.net.

Visit Captain Freedom online or see him in person tomorrow
(Feb. 11) 7 p.m. at the Brookline Booksmith, 279 Harvard Ave.,
Brookline MA.

And
don’t forget to support Freedom by purchasing copies of his
new book.

("I laughed until I accidentally spun a web."
— Spider-Man)

("Very comical, indeed." — Bruce Wayne)